Andy Gray doesn't watch the same game as us!!

Sky Sports producers have revealed what regular viewers have long suspected.....that Scottish blame merchant co-commentator Andy Gray doesn't watch the same game that the viewers are watching!.

Producer Jim Kelsey said ' To be honest, it's not an ideal situation, but we've found this is the best way of making Andy's comments fit with the game that the viewers are watching!. What we do is strap Andy into the commentary gantry at the ground next to the main commentator (we've found he responds best when he works with Martin Tyler!), then show him an entirely different game on a little portable TV......sometimes we don't even show him football.....earlier in the season when the viewers were watching Liverpool versus Manchester United, Andy was watching 'Come Dine With Me', but the comments he provided fitted perfectly!.
Kelsey went on to say why they had to resort to these extreme measures 'When Andy gave comments on the actual game we were showing, nothing seemed to fit?!? It's almost as though he doesn't know the rules of the game!?!' he added.

Sky Sports got the idea from the BBC, as its been the method of making John Motson's commentary fit to the game they are showing for the past 30 years!.

Mancini's Blue Moon gets burst!

Manchester City sensationally sacked manager Roberto Mancini (pictured above waving hello and goodbye) on Sunday night with the Arab puppet master owners citing 'poor results' as the reason for the Italian's departure.

Mancini had only been in the job for 24 hours after replacing the Welsh pessimist Mark Hughes on Saturday night, but the Manchester City board said that they thought that with the amount of money they were paying Mancini he should have ensured that West Ham beat Chelsea, giving City the chance to close the gap on their fellow title challengers. Unfortunately the game ended all square at 1-1 with this result spelling the end of Mancini's reign.

The boards handyman Garry Cook said 'The owners cannot accept Sundays results with the level of investment they have made. They are aware that Roberto did not actually have a game in charge to prove himself, but he should have used his initiative a bit and maybe paid off the referee or something.......he's Italian isn't he!?!. We would like to thank Roberto for his hard work in the last 24 hours, its a shame but he just didn't cut the mayonnaise!'.

The new manager is none other than Mark Hughes who only left the club after Saturdays 4-3 win over Sunderland. Rumours are surfacing that the deal to replace Mancini with Hughes was actually agreed and signed up 3 weeks ago, before Mancini had replaced Hughes in the first place!. Speaking to Sports In Shorts the current ex manager Hughes said 'I agreed to come back before I even knew I was going, so i really missed the place on Sunday while I was away!.....Right then, the owners had better get the cheque book ready, I wanna waste some more money!......Is Kieron Dyer available?'.

Great Expectations!!

Portsmouth's South African midfielder Aaron Mokoena (pictured above) has compared his homeland waiting to host next years football World Cup tournament to a pregnant woman waiting to give birth!.

Speaking to Shorts In Shorts, Mokoena said 'this is a very nervous time for my country, it's like we are pregnant with Sepp Blatter's baby and we've got 7 months until we give birth...it's a worrying time being a parent hoping everything is gonna turn out alright!'.

Our correspondent then got the wrong end of the stick and congratulated Mokoena on his good news! 'No....., you've misunderstood, I'm NOT actually pregnant.......it's South Africa that's pregnant with a football baby that everybody expects great things from!!! That's a lot of pressure on our football shaped baby and South Africa's football shaped body!' he snapped.

Our guy was still none the wiser, he then asked a dumbfounded Mokoena if he knew the sex of the baby yet? 'Of course I don't know the sex of it.......it's NOT a real baby you idiot, I'm just comparing it to being pregnant.......it's not exactly rocket surgery is it?! are you mental!?!

Correspondent: 'Have you thought of any names yet?'

An increasingly irate Mokoena then blasted 'Look dildo, I'm only comparing it, likening it too, showing it's similar to being pregnant.....I'm not pregnant, I was merely using it as a reference to my country hosting something that is exciting and scary and is 7 months away from happening.......Do you understand?!?!?

Correspondent: 'Yes, I think so?......(long pause).............was it planned?.......have you decorated it's room yet?

'Oh For f&#k's sake........bloody amateurs' Mokoena shouted as he stormed off!

Wrong Racism Kicked Out Of Football

The kick racism out of football campaign claimed its first victim yesterday as Liverpool's stalwart Groundsman of 32 years Billy Racism got his marching orders from his beloved Anfield.

At first the reason seemed unclear, it was thought poor lawn mowing skills may have been a contributing factor, or maybe because he accidentally placed a curse on the club in 1989!?.

Then rumours starting spreading round the club that it was the Hapless Texan owners Tom Hicks (pictured above) and George Gillet who had ordered the dismissal due to an article Hicks had read and got the wrong end of the stick of in his weekly copy of MATCH magazine. We spoke with Hicks on the phone....'Howdy partner, so you wanna know about the Racism sacking do'yall, ok, well I Tom Hicks do declare that I take the things that MATCH magazine said he'd (Billy Racism) been doing as very serious!, apparently he's been abusing players racially for years and he'd been making it difficult for black people to get work in the game! He had to go....now I'll speak to y'all later cowboy!'.

Racism (not the person) has been in the game for almost as long as Racism (the person). It started in 1981 when Frank Stapleton (Irish) called Mark Lawrenson (half Irish) 'an English dildo' after an on field fall out. One listener in the crowd that day was the larger than most life's Ron Atkinson, who on hearing people abuse each other because of where they came from or what they looked like thought it was ok to do so.

Racism (Billy) has already been approached by other clubs to cut their grass, but he going to take a break from the game, he said 'I feel persecuted because of my name, with a name like mine its a struggle, every day you get abuse thrown at you......i just want people to know you shouldn't pick on people because of colour, religion or names' Racism added

Football Drops From The Sky

Sky television sensationally announced yesterday that they will be dropping live Premier League football coverage after the conclusion of the current 2009/2010 season in favour of a dancing extravaganza phone in singing show.

Head of the channel's Knee Jerk Reaction Department Henry Belafonte said this 'I don't want anyone to think we've just rushed into this decision cos we've seen how much money can be made from premium rate voting lines, but we've realised how much money can be made from premium rate voting lines so it was a no-brainer really!'. He went on to say of the way he sees live televised sport heading 'No one likes football anymore, the worlds moved on, the public just care about ballroom dancing, people singing karaoke and frumpy looking women who crack up on screen. Footballs gone forever......at least for a couple of seasons!'.

Sky will show live and exclusive coverage of the 9 month long ''Pro Celebrity Ballroom That's Not Strictly Dancing League'' sponsored by Haribo starting on Saturday August 14th. The league will consist of 10 teams made up of 11 dancers (5 professionals, 5 celebrities and 1 special guest) and each will have a mentor who will be one of the soon to be out of work Premier League managers.

Each team will perform various dances or songs against a rival team, in front of the judging panel who will award 3 points to the winning team, 1 for a draw and zero for a loss. A pointless phone vote will then be held each week, but as its pointless it will not in any way count towards the final scores!.

Belafonte wanted to assured fans of Sky's football coverage that there will be some familiar faces in the new show. 'We want to assure fans there will be some familiar faces in the new show, dance enthusiast Richard Keys will host the live Super Sunday Showdown Dance Off, and he's already been practicing his new catchphrase of 'This is easily the best dance league in the world!'. I know it might sound like a radical idea but i do know what I'm doing.......it was my idea to bring back Gladiators!.....he added'.

Sports personality? of the year awards

Last night saw the 245th annual Sports Personality Of The Year Awards. The jewell in the BBC's crown, this year the show came live from 'The Steal City' Sheffield, nicknamed because it enjoys more robberies per square metre than anywhere else in Europe. Coincidentally, it's also the place where men stripping for charity started as portrayed in the film Brokeback Mountain.

Held at the city's premier function room The Gala Bingo Centre, it almost sold its entire ticket allocation of 128 seats such is the keen interest in free ticket giveaways of the locals. It was as ever hosted by the ever wooden Gary Lineker assisted by Sue Barker who provided nervous laughter on demand.

The main event of the evening was the main event of the evening, and this years nominees for 2009 Sports Personality Of The Year were:

Jason Batten: for picking the fastest car

Phil Taylor: for winning the Phil Taylor Darts Tournament for the 56th straight time

Tom Daley: for being able to stay up late

David Haye: for having 1 fight in 2 years

Ryan Giggs: for escaping the old peoples home for a day

Beth Tweddle: ??????

Andy Murray: for having a great personality

Jessica Ennis: for being the most successful Yorkshire person ever

After announcing Jessica Ennis & Jason Batton in 3rd and 2nd place respectively, a bleary eyed Andrew Flintoff read out the winner as Ryan Giggs. Lineker took over with authority at this point, stating that Giggs was the eldest ever winner of the former prestigious award, and a visibly bewildered Giggs said on receiving the award 'oooooo, its a lovely day isn't it!, what have i won? is my dinner ready mother?, what time do we go back to the home???

A hormonal Tom Daley did not take defeat well however, as he could be heard shouting 'are you friggin joking me,..... him?? he's an old shit, give it me you bastards...i can jump into water headfirst!'

Football League announce involvement in charity Christmas appeal

The Football League has today announced its participation in a national campaign initiated by the charity ‘Help the Concerned Aged UK’ to raise awareness of the plight of the elderly and infirm at Christmas. For its part the Football League has agreed to generate publicity by taking inspiration from Accrington Stanley and similarly renaming each of its founder members with the name of a lovely old person for the duration of the festive period.

The revised club names released at today’s press conference include Aston Priscilla, Tony Blackburn, Preston North Enid, Stoke Kitty, West Bromwich Albert, Wolverhampton Wanda, Derby Courtney, and in honour of the 90 years-old crooner, Michael Bolton. Despite the renaming exercise being for charity disgruntled fans of Everton and Burnley have already congregated outside Goodison Park and Turf Moor to protest against their respective new uninspiring monikers of ‘Evelyn’ and ‘Bernie’.

Fans across the country will be asked to take part in a premium rate telephone poll to find their all-time greatest player for each founder member. At the today’s launch Premiership midfield veteran Ryan Giggs said…’as well as raising lots of money for British Telecom…sorry, I mean good causes, this is the kind of thing which gets the ordinary fan really talking about the game. Just hearing the names of Stanley Matthews, Billy Wright and Tom Finney takes me back to the days when Bobby Charlton and I first played against these greats as apprentices for Newton Heath in the 1950’s. The most popular former player selected for each club will receive a tasty winter food hamper – actually a shoe-box, brightly decorated by local school children and containing assorted dented tins of fruit and vegetables that are past their sell by date.

A spokesperson for the oldest Football League Club in the World, Notts Methusalah, who were formed in 1862 BC (that's before Clough in Nottingham), said that they were also delighted to be involved. ‘We are acutely aware that not all elderly people look forward to Christmas, particularly if they are alone, frail or vulnerable. That’s why we gave Sven a job! We warmly encourage our fans to think of an elderly neighbour at this special time of the year...and fleece them for a few quid to spend in the club shop. Lord knows we could do with the extra money to help pay this year's Christmas bonus because the electronic bank transfers from our owners in Dubai keep mysteriously going astray...they say it's a problem at our end!'

Man United Spending Spree!!

Manchester United are preparing to go on a massive January spending spree without actually putting their collective hand in their owners small pockets.

Spurred on by the cheap one-footed gamble Michael Owen's success, and the growing speculation that his old England team-mate Sol Campbell could be joining the Old Trafford outfit, manager Sir Alex 'Mr Angry' Ferguson has drawn up a list of so called over the hill players he wants to sign which no-one else in their right mind would touch with a barge-pole.

He has not publicly divulged the list to the media but luckily club Ambassador Bryan Robson was spotted in the Coach & Horses in Salford yesterday morning by our Manchester correspondent and he spilled the beans.

Robson said this 'I'm not telling you anything about the January transfer plans!.....end of girlfriend!'. Then after 2 hours of our man plying Robson with 10 pints and 20 tequila slammers 'Right, ok, he's (Ferguson) is hoping to get Campbell to sure up defence, he's gonna solve the Goalkeeping crisis by bringing back former City favorite Peter Schmeichel, who as it turns out is actually younger than Edwin Van Der Sar!. To add steel to the midfield I've agreed to rejoin on a free from my team The Slug & Lettuce, then for a bit of wing wizardry he's gonna get Ryan Giggs to come out of retirement. He wanted an extra striker so he called his mate and fellow foreigner Kenny Dalglish but he's already got an offer from Rafa to play for Liverpool to replace Torres when he signs for City!' Robson slurred'.

Transfer Speculation

With the January transfer window about to open to give Sky Sports News something to speculate about for at least 31 days, the rumour mill is already in full swing over who might be switching clubs:

The usual January transfer suspects are preparing for their annual post-xmas move to wherever Harry Redknapp has moved to now, so Jermaine Defoe, & Peter Crouch are both thought to be following Redknapp back to Portsmouth who he joined late last night when Avram Grant wouldn't wake up after last weekends press conference. David James also spoke last night about how he would love to move back to Portsmouth to help regain his England place until it was pointed out he was already at the club! 'Whoops, I forgot!' he added.

Manager of Liverpool and star of the Spanish version of 'The Office' Rafa Benitez (pictured above at the signings of Fernando Torres & Alberto Aquilani), has announced that there are no funds in place to add any quality to his poor squad, but there are plenty of funds available to add dross to the squad, so the likes of Lucas Leiva & David N'Gog could soon be joined by Joey Barton who Benitez has been watching playing for D-wing Wanderers, Bobby Zamora who it is thought he would be willing to waste at least £10million on and Barnets 41 year old striker Paul Furlong who apparently is available for under £3million.

Chelsea are preparing an offer of £50million plus 'as much plastic surgery as he wants!' to bag Bayern Munich's Franck 'the Tank' Ribery, while Mark Hughes was interviewed on Sports In Shorts 24 hour sports TV show last night and was asked who Man City had a cat in hells chance of signing in January?, he said 'We'll be going all guns blazing to get Lionel Messi!'. When asked about these rumours Messi responded in his spanish accent 'haha, are you having a laugh?, eh Andres, Zlatan, listen to this one......is funny!.....'.

World Cup Football Will Be Round Organizers Promise

The football being used at the 2010 World Cup Finals tournament in South Africa will be perfectly round for the first time ever.

The ball, (pictured above, being tested by Lionel Messi) has been developed at Loughborough University's Sports Science Academy in London and has been described by FIFA experts as 'Very kickable!'. Although round looking, all previous footballs ever produced have actually got thousands of flat sides which are simply placed together to create the illusion it is curved, or as the science bods call it 'ball-shaped'.

The new design of round ball is said to be able to move through the air without moving, and the age old problems of balls stopping dead on the grass/playground because of one of the straight edges landing face down is going to be totally eradicated.

Already other sports who have ball problems are rumoured to be interested in this new technology, with both Rugby codes making contact with the developers 'We'll Make It Round'. Union (rugby) chief Robin Weston said 'This is fantastic news, we won't have to play with those silly egg-shaped things anymore, we always wanted round balls but just couldn't afford the scientific research'.

One of footballs best foot kickers Frank Lampard said to Sports In Shorts 'Brilliant!, the guys here at Loughborough in London have done good in producing a round football. Before with the non-round ones you could really hurt yourself if you caught it on one of its edges or corners, all the work the scientists have put in morning, noon and every 2nd Thursday night has really paid off!'.

Kuyt reveals he isn't the real Superman!!

Liverpool's non-spectacular dutch forward and part-time right winger has told Sports In Shorts that despite rumours to the contrary he is definitely NOT the real Superman!.

Kuyt (pictured above on one of his missions) was forced to make the admission after he was asked to do life saving acts which he could not carry out.

He had been impersonating the popular superhero since watching the original 1978 film when it was on ITV2 last Summer, he said 'I saw the film and loved it big-time, then I saw a costume for sale online, it was only meant to be so I could impress Mrs Kuyt but as I was trying it on, my neighbour Mrs Batley came frantically knocking on my door, well....I didn't have time to get the suit off so I had to answer the door wearing it!. When I opened the door she said 'thank god its you', then went on to tell me how she wanted me to rescue her cat who had got itself stuck up her tree!'.

Word soon spread round the neighbourhood that Superman had been spotted rescuing a cat from a tree and before long Kuyt was being inundated with menial tasks for elderly neighbours who all thought they had a superhero living on their doorstep. He then explained why he went along with the double life 'I went along with it cos I liked the attention to be honest, I don't get much at Anfield, its all Stevie this and Fernando that, at last people wanted a piece of the Dirkmeister!'.

Then the call came in from Mrs Kuyt (who was playing a sort of Lois Lane role) to say that someone needed rescuing who was tied to a rail track in the path of an oncoming train and they wanted Superman to stop the train!. He said 'I had to come clean and reveal that the only way I could perform this heroic act would be to call the train company and get them to radio the driver direct!. Luckily I managed to call the them in time and it did stop, so I'm kinda a hero but I really should point out I'm not the real Superman!'.

Scholes and Grant release festive DVD's

As ever, the DVD shelves are packed full of desperate celebrities & minor footballers flogging tediously dull footballing so called funny DVD's. This year however there are at least some offerings worth buying as 2 of footballs most charismatic characters join the great yearly sale.

The first is the snappily titled 'A day in the life of Paul Scholes' which is hosted by Manchester United wild man Paul Scholes. While others serve up the same old funny clips we've all seen a million times before, this concentrates on the more day to day aspects of footballing life. For instance, one clip shows Scholes deciding which boots to wear before a Carling Cup meaningless game against Burnley before commenting 'they wer me favorite boots them!' with his trademark wit. Another shows Scholes in the canteen at the Carrington Training Centre getting some Lasagne for dinner after which he exclaims 'that's me favorite dinner that!'. All in all this is a great buy for anyone who wants to add a bit if colour (in this case ginger) to the Christmas telly listings.

The other is Avram Grant's DVD, which has the title 'Avram Grant's 10 best Press Conferences ever'. The 240 minute uncut action packed spectacular, shows Grant's best Press Conferences in full from his time in English football. It includes the infamous speech when 3 journalists fell into Coma's when listening to his January transfer plans, and when Steve Curry of the Daily Mail stood up during Grant's summary of the 1-0 Chelsea victory over Arsenal and declared 'this is crazy, don't you see what he's doing, he's killing us with boredom.... I'm getting out!'. This isn't for the faint hearted which is why it contains the warning 'People who get bored easily or have no interest in grey motionless humans should not watch without company', but otherwise if you want to see how footballs Mr Happy wows expecting audiences with his electric personality.....put it on your Christmas list!.

Both DVD's retail at £9.99 or if you steal them they're free!!

Fastest man on Earth joins F1!

Rumours are rife in the worlds of motor sport and athletics that newcomers to the Formula 1 World Championship, Virgin Racing, have pulled off an incredible scoop by signing Olympic sprint Gold Medallist, Usain Bolt, as their lead driver for 2010. The signing is potentially a tactical masterstroke given that the numerous rule changes planned for next year’s championship include the reintroduction of drivers sprinting to their cars at the start of each race.

The fitness levels of current F1 drivers will undoubtedly come under closer scrutiny than ever before and there are unconfirmed reports of rotund racer, Rubens Barrichello, considering his retirement from the sport. Track-side paramedics raised their concern over the condition of the popular Brazilian when he had to be given oxygen at a secret FIA practice event arranged to give teams an opportunity to practice the new starts in simulated race conditions. Official timings confirmed that Barrichello had been lapped twice by the rest of the field before he had even completed the pit-lane sprint to his car.

Bolt’s entry into F1 has also been welcomed by his former adversary and disgraced British sprinter Dwain Chambers who continues in his attempts to resurrect his career after well publicised failures in Rugby League and American Football. A little known screen test as a Bond villain also ended up on the cutting room floor. Chambers, who failed his only previous driving test for making an illegal manoeuvre, has been seen frantically visiting local driving schools.

The audacious signing of Bolt has amazed everyone involved in the sport other than, of course, former team owner come television pundit, ‘mystic’ Eddie Jordan, who in hindsight, ‘saw this move coming for quite some while’.

Algerian Delight With Easy Group!

There were scenes of celebration last night in Algeria after the World Cup Group draw created what many Algerian football fans and pundits are calling the easiest group ever!.

When the man who was helping deputy head of FIFA Charlize Theron, produced the slip which was inside Makhaya Ntini's little ball and read out Algeria to join England and USA in group number C, there were jubilant scenes in Algiers High Street and soon after the traditional chant of 'Easy, Easy, Easy' could be heard being sung by the crowds.

The draw which was shown live on the Algerian 24 hour football channel which is called 'The Algerian 24 hour football channel' was hosted by Algerian housewife's favorite Garat Lunaker, and was joined by Algerian football commentator Jonas Motason who as ever delivered fascinating stats as if his career depended on it. The lineup was completed by ex Algerian centre back (although he was born in Morocco) Markesh Lawrensonian who traditionally acted like the guy who would rather not be working midweek in between throwing out weak puns.

Motason pointed out ' incidentally Garat, this is not only the easiest draw we could have hoped for but this is probably the easiest group in world cup history'.while Lawrensonian quipped 'yeah, England, The Yanks and Slovenia must be quaking in their flip-flops already, at the thought of this group, there is always a group of death, and for those 3 teams this is it!'.

At the official Algerian football supporters club, the spokesman for the club Mustafa Victory said 'we should drift through the group stage with ease to be fair, you don't want to appear over confident, but its hard to think that Algeria won't win the World Cup now!'.

Bookmakers too have reacted to the draw with Algeria now being joint favorites to win the tournament with Spain at 3-1.

Even Theron felt compelled to comment 'now i don't really know what the hell I'm on about but i do feel sorry for the other teams in Algeria's group.....especially England, it means there is at least 3 footballing powerhouses in Group C, which i know is something Sepp wanted to make sure we avoided.......'.

England manager Fabio Capello had the last word though 'Its a shame, sometimes you get an easy ride sometimes you don't, i think i may have make a call to the family at Juventus, see what they can do for us.....if you know what i mean!?!'.

Sir Ian Bowls Over Scunthorpe!

At last nights Scunthorpe United end of years awards ceremony, cricketing heavyweight Sir Ian Botham topped a poll voted for by fans of the team as the greatest player ever to have played for the unfashionable Championship minnows.

The all round former all-rounder played for The Irons between 1980-1985 clocking up 11 appearances and scored no goals. His greatest moment probably came in a Division 4 encounter against Mansfield Town when Botham inadvertently got in the way of a shot which was going wide after his attention was taken by a blond lady in the crowd carrying a pie, its never been proven whether it was the lady or the pie which took his fancy but the deflection the ball took off the back of his head deceived the keeper and put Scunthorpe 1-0 up. The goal although never officially credited to Botham has gone down in history as being all thanks to him and it lifted his team to the lofty heights of 5th in the league.

Speaking afterwards to local TV channel Look To The East, Botham said 'its great to get this award, people just assume my greatest achievements were in cricket in the Ashes Series against Australia in 1981 but to me there is nothing quite like a rainy Tuesday night in Scunthorpe to make you feel you're alive.....you can shove your 46'000 at the SCG up your arse!' Botham added

Federer arrested for own safety!

Superstitious executives at Gillette have apparently requested Swiss authorities to detain World No.1 tennis star Roger Federer in order to protect his squeaky-clean image.

Fearing that bad things 'always come in threes' and with the reputation of high profile patrons Tiger Woods and Thierry Henry in tatters after recent indiscretions, the detention of Federer is seen as an essential element of the global brand's risk management strategy.

Gillette has neither denied or confirmed whether current endorsements of Woods and Henry will be renewed. Henry's situation has not been helped by recently surfaced dressing room footage of him handling a Bic disposable razor. Meanwhile representatives for Woods are allegedly touting their client's new bad boy image to potential sponsors such as Durex and Spearmint Rhino.

There has been no statement as yet from Federer, but fellow detainee, Mr R Polanski commented to reporters that Federer's family had already paid the tennis superstar a visit at the high-security facility, located some twenty miles beneath the Swiss Alps. 'Roger and his family are adorable, especially his teenage niece', Polanski added.

Huntalaar Reveals Big Move Secrets

Overrated dutch striker Klaas Jan Huntalaar has revealed the circumstances in how he keeps getting big money moves despite obviously being a very average player. The former Real Madrid flop speaking to Italy's equivalent of Sky Sports News which is called Sky Sports News said this 'i was on my summer holidays with my mum in Milan, she doesn't let me go alone because of a mix up once in a Thai hotel, anyway mum wanted to do the tour of the San Siro so i went along. She paid for me to get in and a part of the tour takes you to the changing rooms, now cos it was a match day we didn't have chance to do both changing rooms so we had to choose which one to walk around, mum chose Inter cos shes got a thing for Jose, and i went into AC's as my fav player ever was Mark Hateley....i just loved the way that even though he was going bald he just grew his hair longer at the back to compensate!. So I'm in the changing room looking at the big comfy red chairs and the flat LCD TV's each player has, when Leonardo (AC's Head Coach) walks in and tells me to get my kit I'm late for training. He must have got confused or mistaken me for Marco Van Basten or something either way its too late now cos I've signed a contract and they've got to pay me.....finders keepers!'.

He then went on to describe that the move the year before from Ajax to Real Madrid also came about in unorthodox circumstances 'Mum had taken me to Madrid cos I'd done so well for Ajax, scoring lots of goals and stuff, she went out for a few beers and she didn't want me to cramp her style so i stayed in. Anyway, she ends up in an hotel room with the then Real Madrid President Ramon Calderon, she only found out he was married afterwards, so she threatened to tell Mrs Calderon about the whole thing unless Madrid gave me a lucrative contract!!! winner!'.

He was then asked where the Huntalaar family were planning on going on holiday in Summer 2010, he responded 'I think mums got her heart set on Manchester!?'.

Snooker World Championships In Doubt

The governing body of World Snooker admitted last night that they had forgotten to book the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield for next years Betfret World Snooker Championship. Their spokesman Les Bennett said this in his northern accent 'usually what happens is we book ahead while the tournament is on, so we say to em, same again next year please, give em a deposit and jobs a good un. We usually get a reminder of the balance to pay, and i notices that we adn't ad it so i gets me secretary to ring up, well...that's when they say no one booked ahead, don't know how we forgot that...probably watching a mesmerising game o'snooker or sumat...i don't know, but anyway we're knackered now cos they've got a sold out run all through April and May of 'Loose Women On Tour'.....that's gonna make more money than watching snooker ever will!'.

The Organisers of the Championships have been working round the clock to find alternative locations for the 2 week Snooker fest, and it is thought that the event will now be held at either Riley's Snooker centre in Stoke or Mansfield Working Men's Club's function room if Jed and Baz don't hog it all month.

BBC's Hazel Irvine on hearing about the mix-up commented 'thank F£#K for that!, I'm fed up to the back teeth of having to look happy about being in that hellhole (Sheffield)....i wish they'd just give me another job, its a chuffing nightmare having to spend 2 weeks with that lot. You've got Steve Feckin Davis telling me about his collection of antique snooker cues and that perve Dennis Feckin Taylor trying to get off with me all the time!, Dennis.....first time was a mistake, we we're both drunk , its NOT gonna happen again!'.

Sepp Thinks Irish Request Was Prank

Sepp Blatter (pictured above auditioning for Silence Of The Lambs) has revealed this morning that when he told the Irish FA that they could be accommodated in next years World Cup tournament in South Africa as the 33rd team, the only reason he said yes is because he thought it was a joke!. The hapless head of FIFA said 'I like a prank as much as the next guy, so when me and Michel were settling down with our lunchtime Paninis to watch the lunchtime edition of Neighbours, and the phone rings and it's this guy on the other end with a funny accent....i thought it was that funny fella who does the Eurovision and the Radio 2 breakfast show.....well i love that guy, so i went along with it. I didn't know it was actually Bernard 'Bernie' O'Byrne the head of the Irish FA!?. He asked me if they could go as the 33rd team, so i said yes.....the problem is every team who didn't qualify has since been on the phone asking to be re-entered because of things that they didn't agree with in their matches. So next years World Cup will start in February to make sure we get finished in time for the Final which we're already booked in for.....we've paid a deposit on that so I'm not losing £35, that's throwing money away......and instead of 32 teams, we'll be having 210, which is more than actually entered in the first place.....i think i may have been had!?'.

Richard Keys threatened with Lawsuit over Catchphrase

Sky televisions football presenter Richard Keys has been threatened with legal action by FIFA because of his constant use of the phrase 'the best league in the world' when describing the English Premier league. FIFA head honchos have taken this step because Keys (52) never fails to do a broadcast without using the phrase at least 4 times, and on one occasion after a dour 0-0 bore draw at the Reebok Stadium between Bolton Wanderers and Hull City he used it 15 times in front of an astonished Jamie Redknapp. Speaking at the time Redknapp said 'even I was shocked at the amount of times wot Richard said the premier league is the best in the world. I mean don't get me wrong, I fink it is the best in the world because I don't fink there is another league wot is as good, but 15 times was a bit too much'. FIFA spokesman Henri Trossalet said 'the phrase The best league in the world, should not be used by anyone describing the English Premier League because as we all know Spain's La Liga is clearly the best league in the world, here at FIFA HQ we have a little saying...how does it go Michel?.......oh yes that's right, the English Premier League is like watching Chimpanzees playing Badminton.....funny but pointless! hehe'. When asked to comment Keys simply said 'its definitely the best league in the world!'.

The Fonz admits love of the Beautiful Game

Henry Winkler has sensationally revealed live on Sky Sports Super Sunday broadcast at Goodison Park that he has been a lifelong football fan. The American actor known for his role as 'The Fonz' in Happy Days and more recently as Audrey Roberts love interest Buzz Johnson in Coronation Street, told reporter Ned Bolting that 'i can't get enough of it, I'm hooked like Apple Pie!, even back in the happy days of making happy days i used to sneak off and listen on my radio to the Division 1 scores coming in live from the U of K. It wasn't just me that loved soccerball though, the whole happy days gang supported different franchises, Ritchie C followed Swansea, Ralph Malph was a Dundee United fan and Pudsie often used to follow Charlton Athletic home and away'. When asked who he thought was going to win in today's Merseyside derby he remained neutral 'i just hope that both teams here in Scouseyside play to the best of their offensive power play abilities, and that they both go home with 3 points!'.

What really happened in the Woods (house)!?!

World Number 1 Golf ball hitter Tiger Woods was yesterday involved in a strange driving incident outside his Florida home. The golfer left his home at 2.25am yesterday and immediately drove into a fire hydrant and then crashed into a tree. He was taken to hospital where his condition was described as 'tipsy' however these allegations were later taken back when the police said alcohol was not involved. However sources that the sportsinshorts have spoken to claim to know the real reason behind the accident. A local resident of the area who wishes to remain silent told our reporter this 'this has been coming for a long time, the Wood's are a very competitive family, and Tiger just isn't as talented as his young kids so he gets very jealous! Once when i was at a family bbq, Tiger challenged his 5 year old son Tabby to a round of Golf on the X-box, Tabby made his dad look stupid and Tiger flew into a huge rage saying that computer games don't count and there are loads of stuff he could beat him at!'. The source then went on to describe what they had heard last night 'I heard Tiger having one of his tantrums which sounded like it was because he'd lost at Scrabble to his daughter Kitten, i heard him shout 'that's not even a proper sport, c'mon lets see if you can beat me at driving', his wife Panthera told him not to be so stupid but he just jumped in his Sports car and took off shouting 'see you at the finish line suckers!'. Unfortunately he careered into the hydrant at the bottom of his drive and into the tree, this let Kitten and Tabby overtake their dad and won the race even though they were on tricycles'.

Portsmouth Receive Grant

There were embarrassing scenes at Fratton Park yesterday after Portsmouth chiefs had to inform fans expecting ex Chelsea manager Avram Grant to be installed as their new manager, that there had been a 'mix-up' as it was actually Russell Grant (pictured above) they had appointed as the replacement for Paul Hart, who lost his job earlier in the week. Portsmouth chief executive Peter Storrie said this 'we apologise for any misunderstanding caused, when we said Grant was getting the job i guess....... understandably fans assumed it was going to be Avram taking over, but we meant Russell. It's another example showing that you should never assume.......'. Grant (Russell) takes over with immediate effect and will be in charge for the visit of Manchester United on Saturday, and next week he is expected to start bringing in his backroom team. A enthusiastic Grant said 'its wonderful, delightful, brilliant and super brilliant!!, I'm so happy, I've got to say, it said in the tarot cards i was going to get a big one......job i mean!. When asked who might be in his backroom team he said 'Biggins has said he wants to be physio, Mallet will be Assistant Manager and First Team Coach will hopefully be Paul O'Grady if we can convince him to leave Channel 4!'.

Basketball Grudge Match

Last night the biggest game in the British Basketball Calender took place at the Queens Park Leisure Centre in Chesterfield. The game which was the duel between the 2 fierce rivals the Derby Divas and the Sheffield Sheep (pictured above warming up) ended at 10-10 after the 4 action packed halves, so a sudden death 'shoot-ball' was played to decide the outcome. Derby's Andy Dick threw the winning hoop score after Sheffield's Theo 'Rich' Tee threw his shot hopelessly wide. A delighted Dick said 'It's great, it's the best day in our 5 week history for sure'. Dick (38) a part-time cleaner who also collected his MVP (Most Valuable Player) award for this seasons stellar performances went on to say 'this isn't just for us though, this is for the 7 fans who follow us wherever we travel whether its Mansfield, Stoke or Rotherham we know we'll always have them with us, and this is also for our sponsor Dave Rigby's Mobile Disco Services'. Basketball is currently going through a 'boom-time' in the UK with the total attendances of all this seasons fixtures already smashing the 150 mark, all that with still 3 rounds of competition left! and with the sport being voted the 112th most popular sport in Britain in a poll conducted by Slam Dunk magazine.

Henman speaks of drug past

Following the recent shocking revelations of Andre Agassi, when he told of his Crystal Meth addiction in the 1990's, another of tennis's wildmen has spoken of his shameful drug secrets in a desperate bid to make himself look more interesting. Tim Henman (pictured above) speaking on Saturdays Tennis AM programme told presenter Andrew Castle 'yeah, i caned the drugs pretty hard back in the 90's too! It was a crazy time what with Britpop, TFI Friday & Spicemania' When asked what he took he said 'my particular drug of choice was paracetamol which i used to take in doses of 2 tablets up to 4 times a day.......mainly when i had headaches......it was the only thing which took the pain away!' This news is sure to upset his loyal fans who still camp on Henman Hill at Wimbledon all year round hoping he may make a comeback, one fan Judith Keenan said this of Henman ' i don't care what he's done, i like a bad boy anyway!'......

Comedy comes back to Lancashire

Newcastle United's winger Jonas Gutierrez (pictured above) thrilled the crowd last night with a great comedy show he put on as his team visited Preston. Gutierrez, which literally translated into english means 'erratic poodle' spent 90 mins trawling up and down the left wing in his wayward running style, tripping over, losing the ball then pretending he didn't know where it was, even though it was right behind him which prompted some of the crowd to shout 'its behind you!'. Reg Simmons who was at the game said 'It wer great to gerra bit of cabaret back at Deepdale, y'know abit of slapstick comedy....we've not anything like that since Danny Dichio left!, he (Gutierrez) wer falling over, tripping up and all sorts, brilliant fun...can't wait to see him back here'.

Redknapp Drops Defoe!

Harry Redknapp has sensationally revealed in this mornings Daily Mirror that Jermain Defoe will be dropped from Tottenhams next 3 games despite having scored 5 goals in the 9-1 demolition of Wigan Athletic. Redknapp, speaking after he won 1st prize at the 'Manager who most resembles a hound dog' awards ceremony last night said this of Defoe, 'he let us all down on sunday, don't get me wrong it wasn't just him but he scored the goals so he gets most of the blame, the problem is that we are in severe danger of actually acheiving what we are capable of this season, and the fans will want us to win games like that all the time now! Everyone knows Spurs have a proud tradition of promising much but delivering little. I'm going to personally apologise to Daniel Levy in the morning, i just hope this won't cost me my job'.

Trappaphoney!

More controversy hit Irish football today after it was discovered that Giovanni Trappatoni should never have been given the job in the first place as he has been reported lost from his homeland. Trappatoni's daughter speaking from Turin said 'Dad's always escaping from the old peoples home we put him in, he got out last year after supper on 14th February 2008 and we've been looking for him ever since! It looks as though he escaped from the home on 14th February 2008, somehow made his way to Ireland, and was made their official team manager the next day'. She also described that it had happened before 'he did the same the year before last, he got out, went to Austria and took over at Red Bull Salzburg.....i do hope he hasn't been any bother? bless him, he still thinks he's a football manager!?!, come on dad lets get you home'..... The Irish FA are already compiling a list of possible replacements with the early favorite being the Wolves ex Republic manager and most Yorkshire sounding person ever Mick McCarthy.

Football Gets Reset

Following FIFA's controversial decision to replay the France verses Ireland World Cup Play Off 2nd Leg match because of Thierry Henry's handball assist in the making of the goal that took them through to South Africa, it has been announced that all cases of cheating in the entire history of the game will also result in a replay having to be played. There are fears that in practice this will mean every single game ever played will have to be played again because among FIFA's list of 'Cheats' is 'appealing for a throw in when you know it hit you last'. If this goes ahead, every single match ever played and every trophy or winners medal ever won will be deemed void resulting in no-one ever having won anything and all players being branded as cheats. Famous World Cup winning cheat Geoff Hurst who cheated West Germany out of a possible World Cup win in 1966 said this to the news 'cheating was part and parcel of the game back then, and does it really count if you're cheating Jonny Foreigner?'

You've got to Hatton it to him

Britain's favorite boxer and winner of Manchester's worst dressed man for 2008 & 2009 has announced plans to fight on despite humiliating defeats against Floyd Mayweather Jnr and more recently Manny Pacquiao. It is thought that Hatton's next opponent could be Mexico's Juan Miguel Marquez next May at the McVities Stadium in Manchester. In an exclusive interview with 'bon appetite' magazine the tubby manc said this: 'i wanted to box on and give as many boxers out there the chance to improve their records by beating me!' he went on to say specifically who he intended to lose to: 'lots of journeyman like me have been in touch but the ones i think i could really help out are Juan Marquez, Amir Khan & Junior Witter!'.