Algerian Delight With Easy Group!

There were scenes of celebration last night in Algeria after the World Cup Group draw created what many Algerian football fans and pundits are calling the easiest group ever!.

When the man who was helping deputy head of FIFA Charlize Theron, produced the slip which was inside Makhaya Ntini's little ball and read out Algeria to join England and USA in group number C, there were jubilant scenes in Algiers High Street and soon after the traditional chant of 'Easy, Easy, Easy' could be heard being sung by the crowds.

The draw which was shown live on the Algerian 24 hour football channel which is called 'The Algerian 24 hour football channel' was hosted by Algerian housewife's favorite Garat Lunaker, and was joined by Algerian football commentator Jonas Motason who as ever delivered fascinating stats as if his career depended on it. The lineup was completed by ex Algerian centre back (although he was born in Morocco) Markesh Lawrensonian who traditionally acted like the guy who would rather not be working midweek in between throwing out weak puns.

Motason pointed out ' incidentally Garat, this is not only the easiest draw we could have hoped for but this is probably the easiest group in world cup history'.while Lawrensonian quipped 'yeah, England, The Yanks and Slovenia must be quaking in their flip-flops already, at the thought of this group, there is always a group of death, and for those 3 teams this is it!'.

At the official Algerian football supporters club, the spokesman for the club Mustafa Victory said 'we should drift through the group stage with ease to be fair, you don't want to appear over confident, but its hard to think that Algeria won't win the World Cup now!'.

Bookmakers too have reacted to the draw with Algeria now being joint favorites to win the tournament with Spain at 3-1.

Even Theron felt compelled to comment 'now i don't really know what the hell I'm on about but i do feel sorry for the other teams in Algeria's group.....especially England, it means there is at least 3 footballing powerhouses in Group C, which i know is something Sepp wanted to make sure we avoided.......'.

England manager Fabio Capello had the last word though 'Its a shame, sometimes you get an easy ride sometimes you don't, i think i may have make a call to the family at Juventus, see what they can do for us.....if you know what i mean!?!'.

Sir Ian Bowls Over Scunthorpe!

At last nights Scunthorpe United end of years awards ceremony, cricketing heavyweight Sir Ian Botham topped a poll voted for by fans of the team as the greatest player ever to have played for the unfashionable Championship minnows.

The all round former all-rounder played for The Irons between 1980-1985 clocking up 11 appearances and scored no goals. His greatest moment probably came in a Division 4 encounter against Mansfield Town when Botham inadvertently got in the way of a shot which was going wide after his attention was taken by a blond lady in the crowd carrying a pie, its never been proven whether it was the lady or the pie which took his fancy but the deflection the ball took off the back of his head deceived the keeper and put Scunthorpe 1-0 up. The goal although never officially credited to Botham has gone down in history as being all thanks to him and it lifted his team to the lofty heights of 5th in the league.

Speaking afterwards to local TV channel Look To The East, Botham said 'its great to get this award, people just assume my greatest achievements were in cricket in the Ashes Series against Australia in 1981 but to me there is nothing quite like a rainy Tuesday night in Scunthorpe to make you feel you're alive.....you can shove your 46'000 at the SCG up your arse!' Botham added

Federer arrested for own safety!

Superstitious executives at Gillette have apparently requested Swiss authorities to detain World No.1 tennis star Roger Federer in order to protect his squeaky-clean image.

Fearing that bad things 'always come in threes' and with the reputation of high profile patrons Tiger Woods and Thierry Henry in tatters after recent indiscretions, the detention of Federer is seen as an essential element of the global brand's risk management strategy.

Gillette has neither denied or confirmed whether current endorsements of Woods and Henry will be renewed. Henry's situation has not been helped by recently surfaced dressing room footage of him handling a Bic disposable razor. Meanwhile representatives for Woods are allegedly touting their client's new bad boy image to potential sponsors such as Durex and Spearmint Rhino.

There has been no statement as yet from Federer, but fellow detainee, Mr R Polanski commented to reporters that Federer's family had already paid the tennis superstar a visit at the high-security facility, located some twenty miles beneath the Swiss Alps. 'Roger and his family are adorable, especially his teenage niece', Polanski added.

Huntalaar Reveals Big Move Secrets

Overrated dutch striker Klaas Jan Huntalaar has revealed the circumstances in how he keeps getting big money moves despite obviously being a very average player. The former Real Madrid flop speaking to Italy's equivalent of Sky Sports News which is called Sky Sports News said this 'i was on my summer holidays with my mum in Milan, she doesn't let me go alone because of a mix up once in a Thai hotel, anyway mum wanted to do the tour of the San Siro so i went along. She paid for me to get in and a part of the tour takes you to the changing rooms, now cos it was a match day we didn't have chance to do both changing rooms so we had to choose which one to walk around, mum chose Inter cos shes got a thing for Jose, and i went into AC's as my fav player ever was Mark Hateley....i just loved the way that even though he was going bald he just grew his hair longer at the back to compensate!. So I'm in the changing room looking at the big comfy red chairs and the flat LCD TV's each player has, when Leonardo (AC's Head Coach) walks in and tells me to get my kit I'm late for training. He must have got confused or mistaken me for Marco Van Basten or something either way its too late now cos I've signed a contract and they've got to pay me.....finders keepers!'.

He then went on to describe that the move the year before from Ajax to Real Madrid also came about in unorthodox circumstances 'Mum had taken me to Madrid cos I'd done so well for Ajax, scoring lots of goals and stuff, she went out for a few beers and she didn't want me to cramp her style so i stayed in. Anyway, she ends up in an hotel room with the then Real Madrid President Ramon Calderon, she only found out he was married afterwards, so she threatened to tell Mrs Calderon about the whole thing unless Madrid gave me a lucrative contract!!! winner!'.

He was then asked where the Huntalaar family were planning on going on holiday in Summer 2010, he responded 'I think mums got her heart set on Manchester!?'.

Snooker World Championships In Doubt

The governing body of World Snooker admitted last night that they had forgotten to book the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield for next years Betfret World Snooker Championship. Their spokesman Les Bennett said this in his northern accent 'usually what happens is we book ahead while the tournament is on, so we say to em, same again next year please, give em a deposit and jobs a good un. We usually get a reminder of the balance to pay, and i notices that we adn't ad it so i gets me secretary to ring up, well...that's when they say no one booked ahead, don't know how we forgot that...probably watching a mesmerising game o'snooker or sumat...i don't know, but anyway we're knackered now cos they've got a sold out run all through April and May of 'Loose Women On Tour'.....that's gonna make more money than watching snooker ever will!'.

The Organisers of the Championships have been working round the clock to find alternative locations for the 2 week Snooker fest, and it is thought that the event will now be held at either Riley's Snooker centre in Stoke or Mansfield Working Men's Club's function room if Jed and Baz don't hog it all month.

BBC's Hazel Irvine on hearing about the mix-up commented 'thank F£#K for that!, I'm fed up to the back teeth of having to look happy about being in that hellhole (Sheffield)....i wish they'd just give me another job, its a chuffing nightmare having to spend 2 weeks with that lot. You've got Steve Feckin Davis telling me about his collection of antique snooker cues and that perve Dennis Feckin Taylor trying to get off with me all the time!, Dennis.....first time was a mistake, we we're both drunk , its NOT gonna happen again!'.

Sepp Thinks Irish Request Was Prank

Sepp Blatter (pictured above auditioning for Silence Of The Lambs) has revealed this morning that when he told the Irish FA that they could be accommodated in next years World Cup tournament in South Africa as the 33rd team, the only reason he said yes is because he thought it was a joke!. The hapless head of FIFA said 'I like a prank as much as the next guy, so when me and Michel were settling down with our lunchtime Paninis to watch the lunchtime edition of Neighbours, and the phone rings and it's this guy on the other end with a funny accent....i thought it was that funny fella who does the Eurovision and the Radio 2 breakfast show.....well i love that guy, so i went along with it. I didn't know it was actually Bernard 'Bernie' O'Byrne the head of the Irish FA!?. He asked me if they could go as the 33rd team, so i said yes.....the problem is every team who didn't qualify has since been on the phone asking to be re-entered because of things that they didn't agree with in their matches. So next years World Cup will start in February to make sure we get finished in time for the Final which we're already booked in for.....we've paid a deposit on that so I'm not losing £35, that's throwing money away......and instead of 32 teams, we'll be having 210, which is more than actually entered in the first place.....i think i may have been had!?'.

Richard Keys threatened with Lawsuit over Catchphrase

Sky televisions football presenter Richard Keys has been threatened with legal action by FIFA because of his constant use of the phrase 'the best league in the world' when describing the English Premier league. FIFA head honchos have taken this step because Keys (52) never fails to do a broadcast without using the phrase at least 4 times, and on one occasion after a dour 0-0 bore draw at the Reebok Stadium between Bolton Wanderers and Hull City he used it 15 times in front of an astonished Jamie Redknapp. Speaking at the time Redknapp said 'even I was shocked at the amount of times wot Richard said the premier league is the best in the world. I mean don't get me wrong, I fink it is the best in the world because I don't fink there is another league wot is as good, but 15 times was a bit too much'. FIFA spokesman Henri Trossalet said 'the phrase The best league in the world, should not be used by anyone describing the English Premier League because as we all know Spain's La Liga is clearly the best league in the world, here at FIFA HQ we have a little saying...how does it go Michel?.......oh yes that's right, the English Premier League is like watching Chimpanzees playing Badminton.....funny but pointless! hehe'. When asked to comment Keys simply said 'its definitely the best league in the world!'.

The Fonz admits love of the Beautiful Game

Henry Winkler has sensationally revealed live on Sky Sports Super Sunday broadcast at Goodison Park that he has been a lifelong football fan. The American actor known for his role as 'The Fonz' in Happy Days and more recently as Audrey Roberts love interest Buzz Johnson in Coronation Street, told reporter Ned Bolting that 'i can't get enough of it, I'm hooked like Apple Pie!, even back in the happy days of making happy days i used to sneak off and listen on my radio to the Division 1 scores coming in live from the U of K. It wasn't just me that loved soccerball though, the whole happy days gang supported different franchises, Ritchie C followed Swansea, Ralph Malph was a Dundee United fan and Pudsie often used to follow Charlton Athletic home and away'. When asked who he thought was going to win in today's Merseyside derby he remained neutral 'i just hope that both teams here in Scouseyside play to the best of their offensive power play abilities, and that they both go home with 3 points!'.