Sir Geoffrey Boycotts his senses!

Sir Geoffrey Boycott (above) the ex Yorkshire and England batsman and current critical Yorkshire man has told failing or over the hill sports stars such as Michael Owen or Kevin Pietersen to adopt the ridiculous ancient art form of Feng Shui in order to change their fortunes.

Boycott who holds the healing powers of Feng Shui responsible for curing his boring blocking style of batting, told Madness Magazine 'Before I turned to Feng Shui it used to take me 900 balls on average to get off the mark which was becoming a problem for my batting stats....especially in one-day cricket!, but after I pointed my settee in the right direction my run scoring increased two fold!'.

The Chinese invented Feng Shui when they were bored one weekend to make them sound wise and interesting and in touch with the universe and also to take every body's minds off the whole human rights violation thing!.
Some of its made up virtues are that if you wear red you will always be successful (a case proven by the current West Indies cricket team), you should always face the sun whenever possible (providing you've got a good pair of sunglasses) and you should eat hot food instead of the more popular cold food options.

The once sane ex cricketer now criticises England's current players for a living on Radio 4's Test Match Special, and made the claim on air to a bewildered Jonathan Agnew who tried to deflect Sir Geoff from his ramblings with a lovely slice of cake sent in by Maureen Coombs from Shrewsbury. A move which backfired when Geoffrey pointed out he couldn't possibly eat it without having lucky hot custard poured over it in line with Feng Shui traditions!.

Fulham ask FA for last nights loss to be postponed!

Fulham chairman Mohammed Al Fayed (above brandishing a threatening fax) this morning phoned the FA asking for last nights 3-2 loss at Stoke City to be postponed.

The erratic non British passport owning rich man asked for the strange request because he felt aggrieved at not being able to 'have a snow day' like the rest of the country.

Al Fayed moaned this to a Sports In Shorts correspondent this morning 'Its reet not fair, rest of t'country gets to go out and play in t'snow and we had to go to that god forsaken place! (Stoke), I mean for fecks sake even Manchester City have called off tonight's game, I demand that last nights loss gets deleted from the record books and we can play it again when the weather is nice..... say in June?'.

Stoke was bizarrely the only place in Great Kingdom that didn't get any snow so the Premier League mid table Europa league/relegation dogfight between Stoke City and Fulham was able to go ahead, with Stoke taking a 3 nil lead going into the half time break and Fulham fighting back with 2 goals in the 2nd half including a 'wonder goal' by Clint 'Dirty Harry' Dempsey.

Snow expert Channel Fours Jon 'Snowy' Snow has warned that more towns and cities might get left out in the future when everybody else is having fun on sledges and stuff. He said 'the problem is boring places like Stoke just get left out cos the snow just forgets to go there!, its like tonight,... most events will be postponed but in places like Slough theres no snow at all!.......its just a shame that they are really rubbish at football so haven't got a team!'.

Tour De France On Tour

The 2010 Tour De France will not have any stages in France for only the 2nd time in its 678 year history, it was announced yesterday by race drug givers Astra Zeneca.

The bike race which started before pushbikes were even invented has been dogged with controversy for years with allegations of cheating and illegal drug use (2009 winner Pierre Curzon pictured above before race organizers uncovered his bike was actually a car in disguise!).

This year the tour will commence in New York on June 3rd where riders will do a few laps round central park, then every rider will be asked to remember which position they were in for when they start the penultimate stage in Moscow where they will do a road race round the insecure city before finishing outside the Kremlin. Then every rider will be ferried to the foot of Mount Kilimanjaro for a proper mountain climb up the man made hill where the race will end if anybody survives it.

American bike rider Lance Armstrong who has raced in more tours than anybody without having ever won it, said ' I hope the change in scenery gives me a bit of extra luck so i can maybe clock up my first win!', but race traditionalists are less happy, a french bike riding fan who cannot be named for pronunciation reasons said 'How can you have the Tour De France that isn't in France?? its crazy, its like having Deal or No Deal without Noel Edmunds!......or a Frenchman with no garlic round his neck!!'.

In addition to the change of venue it has also been declared than in an attempt to combat the unfairness of many riders gaining an advantage through the use of performance enhancing drugs, riders will be able to take 'pretty much anything they want', in fact rumours suggest that instead of drinks being available by the roadside there will be complimentary steroids.