New Zealand FA appoint new National team manager!

The New Zealand FA have appointed a new manager following the recent sacking of Ricky Herbert. Herbert guided the 'All whites' to the World Cup Finals to be held in South Africa later this year, but was sacked after 'an incident' with team mascot Terry the Sheep!.

The new boss Murray Hewitt (pictured above signing his contract), has joined the NZFA from his previous job as Deputy Attache at the New Zealand consulates office in New York. After Herbert he is the next most experienced football brain in New Zealand, having coached at a summer camp to raise extra cash during his stay in America.

Hewitt has already stamped his authority on the squad by introducing 'roll calls' at team meetings every day, by banning all team members from talking to Australians and by organising the band he manages in New York to record the New Zealand football song for the World Cup, tentatively titled 'Who wants to rock the football party?'

Hewitt speaking to Sports In Shorts said ''Wow,..... yes... really pleased to be the new football manager of the team, I organised a rugby tour once so this should be easy....looking forward to taking the guys to Africa.....wow, Africa.....safari's...imagine that!?!''.

Our reporter then asked who he felt was the best player in the squad. Hewitt replied '' Wow, they all seem so good?!?...ummm, let's see...... the man with the gloves who can catch things seems friendly...I didn't catch his name!?!''.

He was then asked what formation his team would be playing? ''I think we'll be going in with the 11 players on the grass with the glove man looking after the net area, then keep some on the side for emergencies!!'' Hewitt said positively.

New Zealand's odds of winning the tournament have increased from 500-1 to 2500 to 1.

Bleakley fails to mention Sport Relief water ski for over five minutes!

The One Shows Irish Lampard seducer Christine Bleakley, failed to mention her Cross Channel Sport Relief Water ski for over 5 minutes on last nights broadcast!.

The previous record for not mentioning the event was 2 minutes 34 seconds on Monday's show, but that was eclipsed last night (Wednesday) when neither she or Adrian Chiles talked about it for 5 minutes and 46 seconds!.

The 'non mentioning' was broken when Bleakley said ''Oh my god Adrian, have I mentioned that I just water skied across the channel!?! I don't want to repeat myself but I can't remember if I've mentioned it or not to the viewers?!?''. A weary Chiles responded with ''For pity's sake Christine, of course you've mentioned it....you always mention it,.......you haven't stopped mentioning it since you bloody tried to do it!!...then before you even attempted it you wouldn't stop mentioning that you were going to do it!''.

A visibly shocked Bleakley defended herself from her grumpy co host by saying ''Adrian, the only reason I've mentioned it is because I thought it was a worthy cause and would be a huge challenge for someone who's allergic to water!.........so when I did it I was proud of myself and the money I would raise for charity!''. ''Oh don't be stupid Christine, everybody knows you didn't do it!....they just picked you up in the boat after you couldn't keep yourself out the water at the beginning..........took you to the French coast, let you ski the last stretch and gave the idiot viewers the illusion you crossed the channel on your bloody water skis!!.... I should know cos I was there!!''.

A BBC spokesman spoke with Sports In Shorts after the accusation from Chiles. ''What Adrian said isn't true, he's just jealous that Christine's going out with Frank Lampard...he obviously still wants to jump her bones!, although it is company policy for her to mention her water ski challenge every 3 minutes at least, so she WILL get a warning for a 5 minute lapse!..... just like Chris Moyles got into trouble when he didn't mention climbing Mount Kilimanjaro for a similar time!''.

Mick McCarthy once again fails to give straight answer!

Wolves manager Mick 'grumpy sod' McCarthy has once again failed to give a straight answer or not make a sarcastic comment during a television interview, for a record equaling 10th time on the trot!.

The pessimistic Irish Yorkshire man was being interviewed by Sky Sports reporter Andy Burton at Upton Park, just before his team took to the field to play West Ham Utd in Tuesday nights only Premier League game.

Burton asked the easily offended manager ''So Mick, is tonight's game the most important game in the run in to the end of the season for you?, and McCarthy responded with ''You tell me?, how do I know?, I'll tell you after the game!...all games are important or we wouldn't play them!''.
Burton then asked ''You're playing Kevin Doyle up front on his own and playing five in midfield, is that because you think tonight's game might be won or lost in this area?''. An increasingly more agitated McCarthy said ''Of course the game will be decided in the area!, that area is on the field and all games get settled on the field don't they!?!....you should know that by now you div!''.
Burton at this point realized he was in for a challenging few minutes and went with the easily answerable question of ''Would you be happy with a point tonight Mick?'', but McCarthy was in a scintillating sarcastic mood and replied ''Do you get a point for winning???, do you....no I don't think you do, do you?!?...so no course I wouldn't be....the Irish never play not to win!''
Burton was now frustrated at being made to look silly on prime time TV and blurted out ''You were born in Barnsley you toss-pot!!'' before storming off and adding ''If only Keano had done him in years ago.........''.

The long faced McCarthy simply looked at the camera with a wry smile and added ''He dunt seem happy does he viewers!?!''.


McCarthy's new book 'I'm not being sarcastic, I'm just stupid!' is on sale from next Monday from shops that sell books.

More Messi fans fall out of the closet!

Following his amazing hat trick at the weekend, more of the worlds football commentators have developed crushes on Argentinian wonder boy Lionel Messi! (above).

Sky Sports coverage of Barcelona's victory over Real Zaragoza was overshadowed by commentator Kevin Keatings saying ''My word Gerry, that Messi has a gorgeous foot doesn't he!?!'' when he scored the first goal, then co commentator Gerry Armstrong claimed ''I tell you what Kevin, that kid could pin a tail on a donkey with his left foot'' when the second went in, but most shocking of all when the third and best goal was scored, Keatings said ''Pele, Best and Zamora........don't even compare to this kid if you rolled them all up and made a 'superplayer'.......he's holier than Mother Theresa, The Dalai Lama and Jeremy Kyle and he's as beautiful as Christine Bleakley, Megan Fox and Peter Beardsley.....Gerry...thats the guy I want to marry!'' to a dumbfounded Armstrong. ''I just think he's a great footballer Kevin!?!?'' Armstrong replied before an embarrassed Keatings said ''Yeah...god yeah, so do I, that about me wanting to marry him was just me commentating,......I didn't mean it....I'm not gay Gerry!....not that theres anything wrong with that of course!''.

On Argentinian television commentator Claudio Flores reacted to the hat trick on by simply saying ''Messiiiiiiiiiiii, goooooaaalllllllllll...........seeexxxxyyyyyyyy fffoooottttbbbbaaalllll boooooyyyyyyyy........(in a Spanish accent).

In Australia, pundit Kevin Muscat said (in an Australian accent) ''Ruddy hell mate, I'm not a bloody Golar... stone the crows, but that little wizard is a ruddy good bloke, in fact...I'd say he's sexier than Mrs Mangel from Neighbours........if she was a footballer!?!''.

And in the USA, American commentator PJ Johnson on Fox Sports said (in an American accent) ''Messi took the ball into the endzone and struck a 3 pointer either side of the first and second quarter time outs......that kid could be the biggest Soccer play teamster since Cobi Jones!''.