Great Expectations!!

Portsmouth's South African midfielder Aaron Mokoena (pictured above) has compared his homeland waiting to host next years football World Cup tournament to a pregnant woman waiting to give birth!.

Speaking to Shorts In Shorts, Mokoena said 'this is a very nervous time for my country, it's like we are pregnant with Sepp Blatter's baby and we've got 7 months until we give birth...it's a worrying time being a parent hoping everything is gonna turn out alright!'.

Our correspondent then got the wrong end of the stick and congratulated Mokoena on his good news! 'No....., you've misunderstood, I'm NOT actually pregnant.......it's South Africa that's pregnant with a football baby that everybody expects great things from!!! That's a lot of pressure on our football shaped baby and South Africa's football shaped body!' he snapped.

Our guy was still none the wiser, he then asked a dumbfounded Mokoena if he knew the sex of the baby yet? 'Of course I don't know the sex of it.......it's NOT a real baby you idiot, I'm just comparing it to being pregnant.......it's not exactly rocket surgery is it?! are you mental!?!

Correspondent: 'Have you thought of any names yet?'

An increasingly irate Mokoena then blasted 'Look dildo, I'm only comparing it, likening it too, showing it's similar to being pregnant.....I'm not pregnant, I was merely using it as a reference to my country hosting something that is exciting and scary and is 7 months away from happening.......Do you understand?!?!?

Correspondent: 'Yes, I think so?......(long pause).............was it planned?.......have you decorated it's room yet?

'Oh For f&#k's sake........bloody amateurs' Mokoena shouted as he stormed off!

Wrong Racism Kicked Out Of Football

The kick racism out of football campaign claimed its first victim yesterday as Liverpool's stalwart Groundsman of 32 years Billy Racism got his marching orders from his beloved Anfield.

At first the reason seemed unclear, it was thought poor lawn mowing skills may have been a contributing factor, or maybe because he accidentally placed a curse on the club in 1989!?.

Then rumours starting spreading round the club that it was the Hapless Texan owners Tom Hicks (pictured above) and George Gillet who had ordered the dismissal due to an article Hicks had read and got the wrong end of the stick of in his weekly copy of MATCH magazine. We spoke with Hicks on the phone....'Howdy partner, so you wanna know about the Racism sacking do'yall, ok, well I Tom Hicks do declare that I take the things that MATCH magazine said he'd (Billy Racism) been doing as very serious!, apparently he's been abusing players racially for years and he'd been making it difficult for black people to get work in the game! He had to go....now I'll speak to y'all later cowboy!'.

Racism (not the person) has been in the game for almost as long as Racism (the person). It started in 1981 when Frank Stapleton (Irish) called Mark Lawrenson (half Irish) 'an English dildo' after an on field fall out. One listener in the crowd that day was the larger than most life's Ron Atkinson, who on hearing people abuse each other because of where they came from or what they looked like thought it was ok to do so.

Racism (Billy) has already been approached by other clubs to cut their grass, but he going to take a break from the game, he said 'I feel persecuted because of my name, with a name like mine its a struggle, every day you get abuse thrown at you......i just want people to know you shouldn't pick on people because of colour, religion or names' Racism added

Football Drops From The Sky

Sky television sensationally announced yesterday that they will be dropping live Premier League football coverage after the conclusion of the current 2009/2010 season in favour of a dancing extravaganza phone in singing show.

Head of the channel's Knee Jerk Reaction Department Henry Belafonte said this 'I don't want anyone to think we've just rushed into this decision cos we've seen how much money can be made from premium rate voting lines, but we've realised how much money can be made from premium rate voting lines so it was a no-brainer really!'. He went on to say of the way he sees live televised sport heading 'No one likes football anymore, the worlds moved on, the public just care about ballroom dancing, people singing karaoke and frumpy looking women who crack up on screen. Footballs gone forever......at least for a couple of seasons!'.

Sky will show live and exclusive coverage of the 9 month long ''Pro Celebrity Ballroom That's Not Strictly Dancing League'' sponsored by Haribo starting on Saturday August 14th. The league will consist of 10 teams made up of 11 dancers (5 professionals, 5 celebrities and 1 special guest) and each will have a mentor who will be one of the soon to be out of work Premier League managers.

Each team will perform various dances or songs against a rival team, in front of the judging panel who will award 3 points to the winning team, 1 for a draw and zero for a loss. A pointless phone vote will then be held each week, but as its pointless it will not in any way count towards the final scores!.

Belafonte wanted to assured fans of Sky's football coverage that there will be some familiar faces in the new show. 'We want to assure fans there will be some familiar faces in the new show, dance enthusiast Richard Keys will host the live Super Sunday Showdown Dance Off, and he's already been practicing his new catchphrase of 'This is easily the best dance league in the world!'. I know it might sound like a radical idea but i do know what I'm doing.......it was my idea to bring back Gladiators!.....he added'.

Sports personality? of the year awards

Last night saw the 245th annual Sports Personality Of The Year Awards. The jewell in the BBC's crown, this year the show came live from 'The Steal City' Sheffield, nicknamed because it enjoys more robberies per square metre than anywhere else in Europe. Coincidentally, it's also the place where men stripping for charity started as portrayed in the film Brokeback Mountain.

Held at the city's premier function room The Gala Bingo Centre, it almost sold its entire ticket allocation of 128 seats such is the keen interest in free ticket giveaways of the locals. It was as ever hosted by the ever wooden Gary Lineker assisted by Sue Barker who provided nervous laughter on demand.

The main event of the evening was the main event of the evening, and this years nominees for 2009 Sports Personality Of The Year were:

Jason Batten: for picking the fastest car

Phil Taylor: for winning the Phil Taylor Darts Tournament for the 56th straight time

Tom Daley: for being able to stay up late

David Haye: for having 1 fight in 2 years

Ryan Giggs: for escaping the old peoples home for a day

Beth Tweddle: ??????

Andy Murray: for having a great personality

Jessica Ennis: for being the most successful Yorkshire person ever

After announcing Jessica Ennis & Jason Batton in 3rd and 2nd place respectively, a bleary eyed Andrew Flintoff read out the winner as Ryan Giggs. Lineker took over with authority at this point, stating that Giggs was the eldest ever winner of the former prestigious award, and a visibly bewildered Giggs said on receiving the award 'oooooo, its a lovely day isn't it!, what have i won? is my dinner ready mother?, what time do we go back to the home???

A hormonal Tom Daley did not take defeat well however, as he could be heard shouting 'are you friggin joking me,..... him?? he's an old shit, give it me you bastards...i can jump into water headfirst!'