Football League announce involvement in charity Christmas appeal

The Football League has today announced its participation in a national campaign initiated by the charity ‘Help the Concerned Aged UK’ to raise awareness of the plight of the elderly and infirm at Christmas. For its part the Football League has agreed to generate publicity by taking inspiration from Accrington Stanley and similarly renaming each of its founder members with the name of a lovely old person for the duration of the festive period.

The revised club names released at today’s press conference include Aston Priscilla, Tony Blackburn, Preston North Enid, Stoke Kitty, West Bromwich Albert, Wolverhampton Wanda, Derby Courtney, and in honour of the 90 years-old crooner, Michael Bolton. Despite the renaming exercise being for charity disgruntled fans of Everton and Burnley have already congregated outside Goodison Park and Turf Moor to protest against their respective new uninspiring monikers of ‘Evelyn’ and ‘Bernie’.

Fans across the country will be asked to take part in a premium rate telephone poll to find their all-time greatest player for each founder member. At the today’s launch Premiership midfield veteran Ryan Giggs said…’as well as raising lots of money for British Telecom…sorry, I mean good causes, this is the kind of thing which gets the ordinary fan really talking about the game. Just hearing the names of Stanley Matthews, Billy Wright and Tom Finney takes me back to the days when Bobby Charlton and I first played against these greats as apprentices for Newton Heath in the 1950’s. The most popular former player selected for each club will receive a tasty winter food hamper – actually a shoe-box, brightly decorated by local school children and containing assorted dented tins of fruit and vegetables that are past their sell by date.

A spokesperson for the oldest Football League Club in the World, Notts Methusalah, who were formed in 1862 BC (that's before Clough in Nottingham), said that they were also delighted to be involved. ‘We are acutely aware that not all elderly people look forward to Christmas, particularly if they are alone, frail or vulnerable. That’s why we gave Sven a job! We warmly encourage our fans to think of an elderly neighbour at this special time of the year...and fleece them for a few quid to spend in the club shop. Lord knows we could do with the extra money to help pay this year's Christmas bonus because the electronic bank transfers from our owners in Dubai keep mysteriously going astray...they say it's a problem at our end!'

Man United Spending Spree!!

Manchester United are preparing to go on a massive January spending spree without actually putting their collective hand in their owners small pockets.

Spurred on by the cheap one-footed gamble Michael Owen's success, and the growing speculation that his old England team-mate Sol Campbell could be joining the Old Trafford outfit, manager Sir Alex 'Mr Angry' Ferguson has drawn up a list of so called over the hill players he wants to sign which no-one else in their right mind would touch with a barge-pole.

He has not publicly divulged the list to the media but luckily club Ambassador Bryan Robson was spotted in the Coach & Horses in Salford yesterday morning by our Manchester correspondent and he spilled the beans.

Robson said this 'I'm not telling you anything about the January transfer plans!.....end of girlfriend!'. Then after 2 hours of our man plying Robson with 10 pints and 20 tequila slammers 'Right, ok, he's (Ferguson) is hoping to get Campbell to sure up defence, he's gonna solve the Goalkeeping crisis by bringing back former City favorite Peter Schmeichel, who as it turns out is actually younger than Edwin Van Der Sar!. To add steel to the midfield I've agreed to rejoin on a free from my team The Slug & Lettuce, then for a bit of wing wizardry he's gonna get Ryan Giggs to come out of retirement. He wanted an extra striker so he called his mate and fellow foreigner Kenny Dalglish but he's already got an offer from Rafa to play for Liverpool to replace Torres when he signs for City!' Robson slurred'.

Transfer Speculation

With the January transfer window about to open to give Sky Sports News something to speculate about for at least 31 days, the rumour mill is already in full swing over who might be switching clubs:

The usual January transfer suspects are preparing for their annual post-xmas move to wherever Harry Redknapp has moved to now, so Jermaine Defoe, & Peter Crouch are both thought to be following Redknapp back to Portsmouth who he joined late last night when Avram Grant wouldn't wake up after last weekends press conference. David James also spoke last night about how he would love to move back to Portsmouth to help regain his England place until it was pointed out he was already at the club! 'Whoops, I forgot!' he added.

Manager of Liverpool and star of the Spanish version of 'The Office' Rafa Benitez (pictured above at the signings of Fernando Torres & Alberto Aquilani), has announced that there are no funds in place to add any quality to his poor squad, but there are plenty of funds available to add dross to the squad, so the likes of Lucas Leiva & David N'Gog could soon be joined by Joey Barton who Benitez has been watching playing for D-wing Wanderers, Bobby Zamora who it is thought he would be willing to waste at least £10million on and Barnets 41 year old striker Paul Furlong who apparently is available for under £3million.

Chelsea are preparing an offer of £50million plus 'as much plastic surgery as he wants!' to bag Bayern Munich's Franck 'the Tank' Ribery, while Mark Hughes was interviewed on Sports In Shorts 24 hour sports TV show last night and was asked who Man City had a cat in hells chance of signing in January?, he said 'We'll be going all guns blazing to get Lionel Messi!'. When asked about these rumours Messi responded in his spanish accent 'haha, are you having a laugh?, eh Andres, Zlatan, listen to this one......is funny!.....'.

World Cup Football Will Be Round Organizers Promise

The football being used at the 2010 World Cup Finals tournament in South Africa will be perfectly round for the first time ever.

The ball, (pictured above, being tested by Lionel Messi) has been developed at Loughborough University's Sports Science Academy in London and has been described by FIFA experts as 'Very kickable!'. Although round looking, all previous footballs ever produced have actually got thousands of flat sides which are simply placed together to create the illusion it is curved, or as the science bods call it 'ball-shaped'.

The new design of round ball is said to be able to move through the air without moving, and the age old problems of balls stopping dead on the grass/playground because of one of the straight edges landing face down is going to be totally eradicated.

Already other sports who have ball problems are rumoured to be interested in this new technology, with both Rugby codes making contact with the developers 'We'll Make It Round'. Union (rugby) chief Robin Weston said 'This is fantastic news, we won't have to play with those silly egg-shaped things anymore, we always wanted round balls but just couldn't afford the scientific research'.

One of footballs best foot kickers Frank Lampard said to Sports In Shorts 'Brilliant!, the guys here at Loughborough in London have done good in producing a round football. Before with the non-round ones you could really hurt yourself if you caught it on one of its edges or corners, all the work the scientists have put in morning, noon and every 2nd Thursday night has really paid off!'.

Kuyt reveals he isn't the real Superman!!

Liverpool's non-spectacular dutch forward and part-time right winger has told Sports In Shorts that despite rumours to the contrary he is definitely NOT the real Superman!.

Kuyt (pictured above on one of his missions) was forced to make the admission after he was asked to do life saving acts which he could not carry out.

He had been impersonating the popular superhero since watching the original 1978 film when it was on ITV2 last Summer, he said 'I saw the film and loved it big-time, then I saw a costume for sale online, it was only meant to be so I could impress Mrs Kuyt but as I was trying it on, my neighbour Mrs Batley came frantically knocking on my door, well....I didn't have time to get the suit off so I had to answer the door wearing it!. When I opened the door she said 'thank god its you', then went on to tell me how she wanted me to rescue her cat who had got itself stuck up her tree!'.

Word soon spread round the neighbourhood that Superman had been spotted rescuing a cat from a tree and before long Kuyt was being inundated with menial tasks for elderly neighbours who all thought they had a superhero living on their doorstep. He then explained why he went along with the double life 'I went along with it cos I liked the attention to be honest, I don't get much at Anfield, its all Stevie this and Fernando that, at last people wanted a piece of the Dirkmeister!'.

Then the call came in from Mrs Kuyt (who was playing a sort of Lois Lane role) to say that someone needed rescuing who was tied to a rail track in the path of an oncoming train and they wanted Superman to stop the train!. He said 'I had to come clean and reveal that the only way I could perform this heroic act would be to call the train company and get them to radio the driver direct!. Luckily I managed to call the them in time and it did stop, so I'm kinda a hero but I really should point out I'm not the real Superman!'.

Scholes and Grant release festive DVD's

As ever, the DVD shelves are packed full of desperate celebrities & minor footballers flogging tediously dull footballing so called funny DVD's. This year however there are at least some offerings worth buying as 2 of footballs most charismatic characters join the great yearly sale.

The first is the snappily titled 'A day in the life of Paul Scholes' which is hosted by Manchester United wild man Paul Scholes. While others serve up the same old funny clips we've all seen a million times before, this concentrates on the more day to day aspects of footballing life. For instance, one clip shows Scholes deciding which boots to wear before a Carling Cup meaningless game against Burnley before commenting 'they wer me favorite boots them!' with his trademark wit. Another shows Scholes in the canteen at the Carrington Training Centre getting some Lasagne for dinner after which he exclaims 'that's me favorite dinner that!'. All in all this is a great buy for anyone who wants to add a bit if colour (in this case ginger) to the Christmas telly listings.

The other is Avram Grant's DVD, which has the title 'Avram Grant's 10 best Press Conferences ever'. The 240 minute uncut action packed spectacular, shows Grant's best Press Conferences in full from his time in English football. It includes the infamous speech when 3 journalists fell into Coma's when listening to his January transfer plans, and when Steve Curry of the Daily Mail stood up during Grant's summary of the 1-0 Chelsea victory over Arsenal and declared 'this is crazy, don't you see what he's doing, he's killing us with boredom.... I'm getting out!'. This isn't for the faint hearted which is why it contains the warning 'People who get bored easily or have no interest in grey motionless humans should not watch without company', but otherwise if you want to see how footballs Mr Happy wows expecting audiences with his electric personality.....put it on your Christmas list!.

Both DVD's retail at £9.99 or if you steal them they're free!!

Fastest man on Earth joins F1!

Rumours are rife in the worlds of motor sport and athletics that newcomers to the Formula 1 World Championship, Virgin Racing, have pulled off an incredible scoop by signing Olympic sprint Gold Medallist, Usain Bolt, as their lead driver for 2010. The signing is potentially a tactical masterstroke given that the numerous rule changes planned for next year’s championship include the reintroduction of drivers sprinting to their cars at the start of each race.

The fitness levels of current F1 drivers will undoubtedly come under closer scrutiny than ever before and there are unconfirmed reports of rotund racer, Rubens Barrichello, considering his retirement from the sport. Track-side paramedics raised their concern over the condition of the popular Brazilian when he had to be given oxygen at a secret FIA practice event arranged to give teams an opportunity to practice the new starts in simulated race conditions. Official timings confirmed that Barrichello had been lapped twice by the rest of the field before he had even completed the pit-lane sprint to his car.

Bolt’s entry into F1 has also been welcomed by his former adversary and disgraced British sprinter Dwain Chambers who continues in his attempts to resurrect his career after well publicised failures in Rugby League and American Football. A little known screen test as a Bond villain also ended up on the cutting room floor. Chambers, who failed his only previous driving test for making an illegal manoeuvre, has been seen frantically visiting local driving schools.

The audacious signing of Bolt has amazed everyone involved in the sport other than, of course, former team owner come television pundit, ‘mystic’ Eddie Jordan, who in hindsight, ‘saw this move coming for quite some while’.