Sir Geoffrey Boycotts his senses!

Sir Geoffrey Boycott (above) the ex Yorkshire and England batsman and current critical Yorkshire man has told failing or over the hill sports stars such as Michael Owen or Kevin Pietersen to adopt the ridiculous ancient art form of Feng Shui in order to change their fortunes.

Boycott who holds the healing powers of Feng Shui responsible for curing his boring blocking style of batting, told Madness Magazine 'Before I turned to Feng Shui it used to take me 900 balls on average to get off the mark which was becoming a problem for my batting stats....especially in one-day cricket!, but after I pointed my settee in the right direction my run scoring increased two fold!'.

The Chinese invented Feng Shui when they were bored one weekend to make them sound wise and interesting and in touch with the universe and also to take every body's minds off the whole human rights violation thing!.
Some of its made up virtues are that if you wear red you will always be successful (a case proven by the current West Indies cricket team), you should always face the sun whenever possible (providing you've got a good pair of sunglasses) and you should eat hot food instead of the more popular cold food options.

The once sane ex cricketer now criticises England's current players for a living on Radio 4's Test Match Special, and made the claim on air to a bewildered Jonathan Agnew who tried to deflect Sir Geoff from his ramblings with a lovely slice of cake sent in by Maureen Coombs from Shrewsbury. A move which backfired when Geoffrey pointed out he couldn't possibly eat it without having lucky hot custard poured over it in line with Feng Shui traditions!.

Fulham ask FA for last nights loss to be postponed!

Fulham chairman Mohammed Al Fayed (above brandishing a threatening fax) this morning phoned the FA asking for last nights 3-2 loss at Stoke City to be postponed.

The erratic non British passport owning rich man asked for the strange request because he felt aggrieved at not being able to 'have a snow day' like the rest of the country.

Al Fayed moaned this to a Sports In Shorts correspondent this morning 'Its reet not fair, rest of t'country gets to go out and play in t'snow and we had to go to that god forsaken place! (Stoke), I mean for fecks sake even Manchester City have called off tonight's game, I demand that last nights loss gets deleted from the record books and we can play it again when the weather is nice..... say in June?'.

Stoke was bizarrely the only place in Great Kingdom that didn't get any snow so the Premier League mid table Europa league/relegation dogfight between Stoke City and Fulham was able to go ahead, with Stoke taking a 3 nil lead going into the half time break and Fulham fighting back with 2 goals in the 2nd half including a 'wonder goal' by Clint 'Dirty Harry' Dempsey.

Snow expert Channel Fours Jon 'Snowy' Snow has warned that more towns and cities might get left out in the future when everybody else is having fun on sledges and stuff. He said 'the problem is boring places like Stoke just get left out cos the snow just forgets to go there!, its like tonight,... most events will be postponed but in places like Slough theres no snow at all!.......its just a shame that they are really rubbish at football so haven't got a team!'.

Tour De France On Tour

The 2010 Tour De France will not have any stages in France for only the 2nd time in its 678 year history, it was announced yesterday by race drug givers Astra Zeneca.

The bike race which started before pushbikes were even invented has been dogged with controversy for years with allegations of cheating and illegal drug use (2009 winner Pierre Curzon pictured above before race organizers uncovered his bike was actually a car in disguise!).

This year the tour will commence in New York on June 3rd where riders will do a few laps round central park, then every rider will be asked to remember which position they were in for when they start the penultimate stage in Moscow where they will do a road race round the insecure city before finishing outside the Kremlin. Then every rider will be ferried to the foot of Mount Kilimanjaro for a proper mountain climb up the man made hill where the race will end if anybody survives it.

American bike rider Lance Armstrong who has raced in more tours than anybody without having ever won it, said ' I hope the change in scenery gives me a bit of extra luck so i can maybe clock up my first win!', but race traditionalists are less happy, a french bike riding fan who cannot be named for pronunciation reasons said 'How can you have the Tour De France that isn't in France?? its crazy, its like having Deal or No Deal without Noel Edmunds!......or a Frenchman with no garlic round his neck!!'.

In addition to the change of venue it has also been declared than in an attempt to combat the unfairness of many riders gaining an advantage through the use of performance enhancing drugs, riders will be able to take 'pretty much anything they want', in fact rumours suggest that instead of drinks being available by the roadside there will be complimentary steroids.

China condems Motherwell for sacking Gannon

There were scenes of outrage yesterday in China after the delayed news of Jim Gannon's sacking from Scottish no hopers Motherwell who play in the the pointless Scottish Premier League was finally announced to the Jim Gannon loving Chinese public.

Gannon (pictured above) once holidayed in the unliberal country where he declared the Kung Po Chicken he sampled for the first time as 'Top notch!'. Ever since, the easily lead Chinese public have been staunch supporters of the former curly haired midfield lightweight.

In an interview with the popular Chinese magazine 'Human Rights, Human Scmights!', Jim Gannon enthusiast and Chairman of the Jim Gannon Supporters Club, Xing Li said 'We are gonna be doing everything possible to make sure Mr Jim either gets his job back at Motherwell or gets an even better job.......say at Falkirk or summat!?!'.
He then went onto say how China's love for Motherwell has almost been wiped out. 'Don't get me wrong, Motherwell are...sorry.... were..... popular here in China but if theres something or someone that's more popular than Motherwell its Jim Gannon..........we see him as a sort of a Superhero!?!. We strongly suspect that Mr Jim's human rights have been violated by this sacking, but he can rest assured the Chinese public will defend him until the board of directors at Motherwell are slaughtered!!..........or at least told off very harshly!'.

The trigger happy right wing country's government have also asked that the Motherwell board or directors responsible for sacking Gannon are extradited to China, so they can give them a half baked unfair trial for unfair dismissal, which in China has the maximum punishment of Death by lethal takeaway meal.

Gannon speaking with Sports In Shorts said 'It really makes your heart glow when you find out that a nation of bully's like China are fighting your corner!'.

Andy Gray doesn't watch the same game as us!!

Sky Sports producers have revealed what regular viewers have long suspected.....that Scottish blame merchant co-commentator Andy Gray doesn't watch the same game that the viewers are watching!.

Producer Jim Kelsey said ' To be honest, it's not an ideal situation, but we've found this is the best way of making Andy's comments fit with the game that the viewers are watching!. What we do is strap Andy into the commentary gantry at the ground next to the main commentator (we've found he responds best when he works with Martin Tyler!), then show him an entirely different game on a little portable TV......sometimes we don't even show him football.....earlier in the season when the viewers were watching Liverpool versus Manchester United, Andy was watching 'Come Dine With Me', but the comments he provided fitted perfectly!.
Kelsey went on to say why they had to resort to these extreme measures 'When Andy gave comments on the actual game we were showing, nothing seemed to fit?!? It's almost as though he doesn't know the rules of the game!?!' he added.

Sky Sports got the idea from the BBC, as its been the method of making John Motson's commentary fit to the game they are showing for the past 30 years!.

Mancini's Blue Moon gets burst!

Manchester City sensationally sacked manager Roberto Mancini (pictured above waving hello and goodbye) on Sunday night with the Arab puppet master owners citing 'poor results' as the reason for the Italian's departure.

Mancini had only been in the job for 24 hours after replacing the Welsh pessimist Mark Hughes on Saturday night, but the Manchester City board said that they thought that with the amount of money they were paying Mancini he should have ensured that West Ham beat Chelsea, giving City the chance to close the gap on their fellow title challengers. Unfortunately the game ended all square at 1-1 with this result spelling the end of Mancini's reign.

The boards handyman Garry Cook said 'The owners cannot accept Sundays results with the level of investment they have made. They are aware that Roberto did not actually have a game in charge to prove himself, but he should have used his initiative a bit and maybe paid off the referee or something.......he's Italian isn't he!?!. We would like to thank Roberto for his hard work in the last 24 hours, its a shame but he just didn't cut the mayonnaise!'.

The new manager is none other than Mark Hughes who only left the club after Saturdays 4-3 win over Sunderland. Rumours are surfacing that the deal to replace Mancini with Hughes was actually agreed and signed up 3 weeks ago, before Mancini had replaced Hughes in the first place!. Speaking to Sports In Shorts the current ex manager Hughes said 'I agreed to come back before I even knew I was going, so i really missed the place on Sunday while I was away!.....Right then, the owners had better get the cheque book ready, I wanna waste some more money!......Is Kieron Dyer available?'.

Great Expectations!!

Portsmouth's South African midfielder Aaron Mokoena (pictured above) has compared his homeland waiting to host next years football World Cup tournament to a pregnant woman waiting to give birth!.

Speaking to Shorts In Shorts, Mokoena said 'this is a very nervous time for my country, it's like we are pregnant with Sepp Blatter's baby and we've got 7 months until we give birth...it's a worrying time being a parent hoping everything is gonna turn out alright!'.

Our correspondent then got the wrong end of the stick and congratulated Mokoena on his good news! 'No....., you've misunderstood, I'm NOT actually pregnant.......it's South Africa that's pregnant with a football baby that everybody expects great things from!!! That's a lot of pressure on our football shaped baby and South Africa's football shaped body!' he snapped.

Our guy was still none the wiser, he then asked a dumbfounded Mokoena if he knew the sex of the baby yet? 'Of course I don't know the sex of it.......it's NOT a real baby you idiot, I'm just comparing it to being pregnant.......it's not exactly rocket surgery is it?! are you mental!?!

Correspondent: 'Have you thought of any names yet?'

An increasingly irate Mokoena then blasted 'Look dildo, I'm only comparing it, likening it too, showing it's similar to being pregnant.....I'm not pregnant, I was merely using it as a reference to my country hosting something that is exciting and scary and is 7 months away from happening.......Do you understand?!?!?

Correspondent: 'Yes, I think so?......(long pause).............was it planned?.......have you decorated it's room yet?

'Oh For f&#k's sake........bloody amateurs' Mokoena shouted as he stormed off!