''Zamora, best striker since Brian McBride!'' boasts Hodgson

Fulham's overly nasal manager Roy Hodgson has boasted to premier league rivals that his 'hotshot' centre forward Bobby Zamora is not only the best forward in the league at the moment, but he is probably the best striker that's ever played the game!.

The player who after years of trying has finally hit the barn door he was aiming for, has scored 67 goals this season so far with a possible 20 more games still to play for the West London club!.

Speaking to Football Focus on Saturday before the goalless FA Cup Quarter Final tie against Tottenham Hotspur, Hodgson said. ''The key to our great season is down to one man.............Andy Johnson.....if he hadn't have got injured we'd have been underachieving once again. But with him out the way I finally had an excuse to pick Bobby, and bugger me he's finally started scoring goals!. The way he's playing right now, he's not only the best in the premier league, he's probably the best striker of all time........or at least the best since Brian McBride''.

Cole tells Grant ''Sorry, but the photos weren't for you''!

Injured Chelsea exposer Ashley Cole, has told beleaguered Portsmouth manager and curb crawler Avram Grant (pictured above) that the explicit photos he recently sent him on his phone were sent by accident!.

The defender who is currently out for 3 months with a foot and marriage injury, had meant to send the pictures to Canadian pop star Avril Lavigne (the next entry on his phone), but only noticed he'd made the error when he checked his sent messages!.

Speaking to Sports In Shorts Grant said. ''Well, I can't say it was a shock when I got the pictures from Ashley, he always looked at me with his come to bed eyes!, and he seemed to be upset when I left. Then I got these photos (shows Sports In Shorts the pictures), I thought Ashley was ready to join me and Mrs Grant for some sweet sweet love play!!...... Don't get me wrong its nothing I haven't seen before, but I'm always up for some phone relief so I took one of me being punished by Mrs Grant and sent it to him''.

Grant then went on to say what happened next. ''Bout, half an hour later my phone rang and it was Ashley wanting to know why I'd sent him a photo of me in a leather cat suit being whipped by my wife!?, so I told him because you'd just sent me one of 'little Ashley'. He just said ''Oh God, tell me I didn't.....oh shit.......'' and he hung up. He must have checked his sent messages and realised what he'd done because he rang me later to say he'd sent me them by accident and they weren't meant for me.............but I'm not so sure.....I think he likes me''.

Cole (29) has a long history of sending naked photos of himself to others, with at least 4 women coming forward saying he's sent them photos. Cole's spokesman Max Clifford answered these accusations by saying ''Ashley is the real victim here, just think what he's had to go through by seeing Avram Grant naked!''

Premier League to vote on Play Offs for Top 20!!

Premier league chiefs are considering the possibility of introducing a 'play off' system for the Top 20 teams in the league to add interest at the end of the regular season in May.

The idea was proposed by Bolton Chairman Phil Gartside, who spoke to Sports In Shorts. '' Yeah, It wer my idea, good innit!. What I think we should do once every team has played 38 games is get the top 2 teams to play a 7 match 'head to head' with any draws going to replays in addition to the 7 games. Whoever wins the most will be crowned the Champions and gain entry to the Champions League, the runner up would also qualify for the Champions League as would the 3rd and 4th placed teams after the clubs who finished 3rd to 20th have to play each other home and away again with 3 points for a win, 2 for a draw and minus 5 for a loss. But you would also get a 'bonus' point for every goal you score, and minus bonus points for every goal you concede!. However that finishes will be the final table''.

Our reporter then asked Gartside how he planned to fit in all these extra games!. ''Don't worry, I've thought of that, I'm not just a pretty face!. Instead of 90 minutes, the games will be 15 minutes each way, that way we'll be able to play 3 or 4 games every day including travel time, or another possibility would be to play all these games on Pro Evo Soccer on me new Playstation 3!?!''.

Premier league clubs will be voting for the new idea at the next Premier League meeting which is being held at The Ramada Inn Reading, 2 weeks on Tuesday ago.

Ancelotti forgets about Zhirkov!

Chelsea's baffled Italian manager Carlo Ancelotti (pictured above filming the new lynx advert) has admitted that he'd forgotten all about Yuri Zhirkov!.

The Russian left sided defender was signed from CSKA Moscow in July 2009 for £14 million but has been used sparingly this season, despite first choice left back and amateur photographer Ashley Cole picking up a long term injury and divorce.

The former Milan manager Ancelotti spoke to Sports In Shorts at Chelsea's training ground, ''To be honest, I forgot all about Yuri, I mean, I saw him hanging around in training but I just presumed he was a friend of Roman's!, he's got that vacant look that Russians have!, do you know what I mean!?!, so I thought he was probably a hitman or summat. It totally slipped my mind we brought him, ha just goes to show what I know! lmao.....that means I am laughin' my arse off!!''.

Ancelotti finished by asking about other players in the squad. ''Do we still own Juan Veron, does anybody know?, and Ian Wrighty-Phillips....did we sell him?....I get confused. And what about him''? the Italian blurted, whilst pointing at Daniel Sturridge, ''Is he my player?'', a club spokesman responded by saying ''Yes Carlo, that's Daniel, we got him from City last summer!''. ''Ah yes yes, of course City,....Birmingham City'' Ancelotti responded knowingly.....''Manchester'' the Spokesman corrected.......''Yes, Yes.....Manchester, that's what I said'' added Ancelotti.

Schoolboys take legal action against people critising their defending!

Schoolboys the world over have instructed Lawyers to launch legal action against anyone using the term 'Schoolboy defending' in a derogatory sense.

The biggest users are football commentators and pundits, when rather than actually describing what the defenders did wrong and how they could have correctly defended the play, they just fling out the same old boring phrase, saying 'That was schoolboy defending Brian!'.

One of the worst culprits is Sky Sports windbag Andy Gray, who in the 4-3 victory by Manchester City over Sunderland earlier in the season used the phrase 54 times!, with Alan Hansen on MOTD2 once using it over 40 times in one show when talking about Liverpool defender Daniel Agger!.

Schoolboy Jake Elwood from Bristol said ''It's not fair, they talk about bad defending by comparing it to how us schoolboys defend........I'm not sure how Alan Hansen knows how I defend, cos I'm sure he's never watched me!?!, and even if I did defend badly occasionally, It's not fair to insinuate that I always do!!. Why can't they just say it's bad defending?, lazy tit!''.

Elwood went on to say about other gripes he has with commentators ''They also describe good play in football and some other sports as being 'Textbook', now I've never seen sport being taught in a textbook have you?!?''.

But the BBC's resident dullard John Motson (above) responded to these claims. ''Incidentally Gary, the term 'Schoolboy defending' can be traced back to the Second World War, when London schoolboys were send out by their schoolmasters to shield their schools from bombs being dropped by Johnny Foreigner!, with the best defenders being St Cuthbert's Primary from Chiswick who successfully defended their school 15 times in 1944 alone!. It's ironic now that the term is used as a sign of poor defending whereas it's actually performing a heroic act!''.