Man City sign another player no ones ever heard of!

Premier League spendthrifts Manchester City have once again wasted another shitload of money by promising Lazio £19million for their never before heard of Serbian leftback Aleksander Kolarov (not pictured above due to no one knowing who he is).

This latest mystery signing is in addition to Jerome Boateng joining from Hamburg, David Silva leaving his self respect in Valencia and Mario Balotelli's agent pushing for more than Comic Relief could raise in a decade.

Manager Roberto Mancini was asked at a press conference in New York about his latest defensive signing.

''I won't lie to you, I've never heard of him either, but when the papers started saying Liverpool and some other clubs were interested in him, we thought we ought to ruin his career like we did Roque Santa Cruz's.''

He was then asked about the other signings his club had made this summer.

''Jerome Boateng I am told already has a brother who plays in the Premiership, I think his name is Cameron, and David Silva played a minute in the World Cup so he must be alright!?.''

He ended the questioning by suggesting what he might do with the other 5 left backs he has in his squad

''My cars need washing so there won't be a lack of opportunity to impress me, I dunno.........Suppose we could maybe sell one to Liverpool or something...I don't know, I'm only thinking off the top??......all I know is I can't stop spending.......I can't tell you why yet but you will find out soon.....I promise!!.''

He then left the Press Conference looking as if he had said something he shouldn't have. This story will run.

Shares slump as Robbie stays put!

Shares on the London Stock Exchange fell sharply yesterday after the UK’s leading removal firm issued a profits warning statement for 2010.

At a hastily arranged press conference the company’s Chief Finance Officer explained that the their UK business plan had relied heavily upon the annual summer transfer of the Tottenham Hotspur and Republic of Ireland striker, Robbie Keane (pictured above with siblings Roy and Diane). ‘As a move for the former Wolves, Coventry, Inter Milan, Leeds United, Liverpool and Celtic man had so far not materialised during the close season, it is only right for our shareholders and institutional investors to be warned of the potential impact’ he added.

Mr Shifter, Chairman of the British Association of Removers, talking exclusively to the Sports in Shorts, explained that…‘ The last decade has been a golden age for the UK removal industry with the high turnover of footballers changing clubs each year. This year the big clubs are really strapped for cash and this is having a direct impact on the volume of trade for our members. We’ve not seen a downturn like this since BBC Pundit and journeyman professional, Steve ‘I’ve got more clubs than Jack Nicklaus’ Claridge hung up his boots!’

Mr Shifter denied reports that his organisation was trying to kick-start the football transfer market by showering a number of high-profile premier league managers with expensive gifts and lavish corporate hospitality. However, this was at odds with footage from our reporter’s secret camera, which caught the former PG Tips executive discretely stuffing cash into two large brown envelopes...addressed to a Mr Mancini.

Where the ****ing hell are you?

Football clubs in Scotland have voted unanimously at their AGM to rename perennial Division 3 underachievers Albion Rovers. Problems arose last season at a number of fixtures involving the Coatbridge based club because away fans and club officials could not find the club’s Cliftonhill stadium, leading to numerous late kick-offs.

The situation came to a head last week when Arbroath failed to turn-up for a Tennants Premium Strength Cup tie, arriving instead at The Hawthorns for a pre-season friendly between West Bromwich Albion and Blackburn Rovers. Celebrity ‘Throstles’ fans Adrian Chiles and Frank Skinner looked on in disbelief as the assorted part-time professionals (10 trawlermen and a car park attendant) from the ‘smoked kipper’ capital of the world played the premier league outfits off the park in a hastily arranged three-way round-robin tournament.

The Arbroath bus driver explained to our Sports in Shorts reporter that there had been a problem with his satellite navigation system. Roughly translated into English, he said...‘Look Jimmy, all I did was put ‘Albion Rovers’ in the sat-nav ‘n’ follow the directions from the posh speaking bird. How the **** am I supposed to know where Albion Rovers is? They ought to have a proper name like Queen of the South, St Mirren or somethin’…

Officials from Albion Rovers are likely to appeal against the SFA decision and have strongly defended the clubs generic name, the origins of which are only known to the veteran BBC Scotland football reporter, Archie McPherson. When the time comes McPherson has promised to pass the secret down to his more famous broadcasting daughter, Hazel Irvine.

Football historians speculate that the club’s founders could not agree on a name, so, as a bit of fun, picked the names of other football club endings out of a hat. Before settling on the name Albion Rovers a number of alternatives were apparently rejected. These included County Town, Forest Rangers, North End Villa, Wednesday Nil and - because it clashed with the name of Coatbridge's premier Chinese take-away - Orient City!