Jeremy Kyle sorts out Terry/Bridge fallout!

ITV's resident idiot Jeremy Kyle (above) yesterday attempted to sort out the relationship problems between John Terry, Wayne Bridge and Vanessa Perroncel.

The show started with Terry's ex workmate Bridge telling Kyle he'd heard rumours that Terry had ''gone with his missus behind his back while he was busy shagging Joe Cole's missus'', and that while they were having an affair Perroncel got pregnant with Terry's baby which he offered to pay to have aborted!.

Kyle then introduced Perroncel to lots of booing from the easily led audience. When asked who called the show Bridge said ''It wer me Jeremy, I just want to get this sorted out, all I'm hearing is lies and accusations so I just want her (Perroncel) to have a lie detector test to see if they did sleep together or not!''. When he asked the french underwear model Perroncel if she had slept with the Chelsea captain she said ''No I haven't, it's all lies....he's just jealous...he needs to get fit, get a job and start stepping up to the plate and providing for his kids!''.

Terry came out next, to a chorus of jeering from the people who should know better and immediately started shouting at Bridge and Perroncel ''Why would you start these lies Wayne, I'd never sleep with your missus....you need to stop these accusations and get your head down and get back in the Man City squad. All the pot you smoke is making you paranoid man!''.

Then Kyle said ''Right, lets get the all important lie detector results ''First of all we asked Veronica 'Have you kissed anyone other than Wayne since you got together?' you said 'No'..........and you were lying were'nt you! cos the test shows you have!!, next we asked you 'Have you had any sexual contact with anybody other than Wayne since you got together?', again you answered 'no'......and surprise surprise....you were lying again weren't you!, finally we asked you 'have you been having an affair with your boyfriends friend and teammate'....you again said 'no'..........and you've got the full house cos you were lying again!!.
Now listen to me lady......you need to get a grip and stop jumping into bed with anybody wearing a blue kit!!'' Perroncel responded ''No, I haven't...Wayne baby I haven't, the tests must be wrong!''

Bridge then surprised everyone by getting down on one knee and proposing to the cheater Perroncel to yet more jeers from the cynical audience.

When asked why he was doing this to a woman who had obvioulsy cheated on him he said ''I can't help it Jeremy, I love her.....you can't help who you love can you!?!....she's the one for me!''.

Since the show Bridge has run off with Perroncel's half sister and Terry knocked up one of the producers of the show before jetting off to Dubai for a reconcilliation with wife Toni.

West Ham raise money through 'Cash For Gold'

Perennial Premier League underachievers West Ham Utd have revealed the reason for the sudden influx of cash into the club which has enabled manager Gianfranco Zola (above) to invest in the January transfer window.

Zola (Italian) was at home nursing a heavy cold and was watching day time television, he said this in his funny Italian accent ''I was watching the day time television, I'd watched Jezza Kyle, and had turned over to five to watch Trisha when I saw a very interesting advertisement in the break. It was saying that the price of gold is at an all time high and if I bagged up all the spare gold I had round the place, they would price it up and send me a cheque so I could go on holiday, have a new car......or help buy Benni McCarthy!. So anyway, I went straight to David Golds (Owner Of West Ham) house, put him in a big envelope and posted him off to 'Cash For Gold'. Within the week they sent me a letter telling me they'd melted him down and the weight of the total gold was worth enough to buy Mido as well as McCarthy with a little bit left over to persuade Matthew Upson to stay in the summer''.

On hearing the story it also gave Northern man Mick McCarthy an idea, speaking to SkySportsNews, the once Irish man said ''I heard about what Franco did and I thought that wer clever so I thought I'd also raise some funds by sending Cash For Gold a load of our football tops at Wolves!, unfortunately they wrote back to me telling me they weren't real gold'' the dimwitted star of Sesame Street muttered.

Sheffield Wednesday's Alan Irvine also had made £480.26 when he sent off some Gold that Ron Atkinson had forgotton to take with him during the tanned mans time at Hillsbrough.

ADVERT: If you've got any spare gold hanging around the place visit www.nothingbettertodowithyourday.com and we'll tell you how we're gonna scam your Gold out of you!

Formula One to introduce Dancing points!

Unpopular turgid coma inducing so called sport Formula One, will be introducing bonus points for dancing from the start of the 2010 season.

'Supremo' Bernie Eccleston (above) announced the news wearing a glittery outfit in front of surprised journalists who were expecting news of newcomers 'Team Foxtrot'. The tiny but huge ego ed man said ''as dancing seems to be popular these days and motor racing certainly isn't for anybody who actually wants anything to happen when watching sport, I decided that after the race, the top 3 drivers will still go on the podium, but instead of wasting good champagne they will have to do a dance of judge David Coultard's choosing who will then judge on poise, rhythm and not falling off the podium!. After this there will be a phone vote for the public to stick there ore in and bugger things up and then on the following Saturday the winner of the previous Sundays race will be announced''.

Motor racing expert Murray Walker said ''These new rules are just what the Sport needs'', but not all fans are happy with the news. Ex bad driver Martin Brundle said ''Its feckin brilliant isn't it, I'm a great mover, I'd av been great at that.......might av got some points''.

The BBC have also announced a new presenter for the coming season with Tess Daly taking over from lanky man Jake Humphery.

Manchester City victim of Hustle

Filthy rich no hopers Manchester City have been 'stung' by the production team behind the BBC One show Hustle. The show (Monday nights 9pm, pictured above) which follows the antics of five con artists who steal from people who have made/stole money through unfair means, targeted the moral less club after Club Idiot Garry Cook boasted that they would soon be the biggest club in the world cos ''we've got loadsa money innit''.

The 'con' depended on Middlesbro winger Adam Johnson moving to Eastlands for as much cash as they could drag out of them. It started when Albert Stroller played by Elderly actor Robert Vaughan 'set up' the con by talking loudly on a phone in a restaurant about ''potentially the best player in the world ever....called Adam Johnson'' while Garry Cook and the Arab fella were on the adjacent table.

The 'convincer' played by ex Holby City actress Kelly Adams then set about confirming Johnson's status as one of the best players in the world when she joined Stroller at the dinner table and dropped the 'bombshell' that he is a direct descendant of Stewart Downing!.

On hearing this discussed the underhand City duo could be seen whispering to each other and rubbing their hands together as all the best TV criminals do when a opportunity comes their way.

The evil Mancs then 'googled' Johnson and found that his agent was the aptly named Maurice Dealer. Unbeknownst to them though they had visited a website mocked up by the TV Show and the agent was non other than Michael Stone the groups leader, who confirmed that Johnson was being sort after by the cream of Europe's best clubs....... Real Madrid, AC Milan and Steve McClaren's FC Twente. He then mentioned that a Spanish manager (played by Robert Glenister as the fixer) was 'very interested' in doing a deal for Johnson as soon as possible and would probably be paying £24 million for the player. He snared the duo though when he said for a 'cash' deal of £7 million up front and in full he would make sure Johnson signed for City before the end of the transfer window.

Falling for the con they drew the cash out of the nearest ATM and paid the £7 million to Stone who said he would arrange Johnson (played by ex Eastender Matt Di Angelo) to turn up for training the very next day. When this didn't happen, after much soul searching Cook contacted the police, who confirmed that the real Adam Johnson is in no way worth £7 million, as ''anyone could look as good as him in the Championship''.

''I don't believe in magic'' says Beckham

AC Milan's American based loan signing David Beckham (pictured above after a mishap with some curtains), has spoken of his 'non belief' in magic. The one footed blond man speaking at Milan's 'Magic Week Festival' said:

''I know it's controversial but I don't think magic is actually real is it?!?. I mean I used to believe in it when I used to watch Paul Daniels on the telly as a boy, but it's all gone abit far fetched these days hasn't it!, like that David Copperfield. How could he have made the Statue of Liberty disappear?,non of that was in the book???...... plus he hasn't made it go anywhere, when I went to New York it was still there!......which got me thinking.........then when I thought about it some more I realised that Penn and Teller did a trick with a gun and firing a bullet at the quiet one (Teller), which he caught in his teeth!!........which I'm fairly sure is dangerous!?!. I mean I can't explain how they did it but I'm not sure 'magic' is the answer any more. Then you've got that Derren Brown......now don't get me wrong, he's a good showman but I'm sure that if magic was real he'd have used that to pick them lottery numbers wouldn't he?, and not spend hours working out the answer to the problem''

Beckham then went on to say other things he was sceptical about,... ''Cruz lost one of his teeth the other day, so we put it underneath the pillow for him to get some money from the tooth fairy........we checked the next day and the tooth was still there and there was no money!, anyway we rang Victoria (posh) in America to ask if it's ever happened before that the Tooth Fairy has forgotten to come, and she told me to sit down cos she had some news that might upset me.....I got scared so I hung up but I'm worried that she was going to tell me the fairy doesn't exist!?!..........I know it sounds weird but I'm really doubting the existence of tooth fairies. Then if you think about it, if tooth fairies don't exist who's to say that pixies, goblins, trolls, monsters, Santa, Easter bunnies and Mexicans are real......my worlds been smashed wide open and theres no one real in it anymore!''.

Beckham ended the interview by saying the draw against Livorno was unfortunate, that the manager has the support of the players, it's a game of two halves, he was as sick as a parrot at having a poor game on Sunday and that he was going to have his tattoo of David Blaine removed from his arm ''If magics not real its like he's betrayed me''.

''I'm so glad to be signing for my boyhood heroes'' says Keane again

Transfer addict Robbie Keane (pictured above showing the shirt he made at nursery yesterday) has spoken of his love for his latest employers Glasgow Celtic. At a press conference to introduce him to the unfortunate followers of the Scottish football team he said ''It's been a lifelong dream to play in the green hoops of Celtic, and I want to once again make them the biggest club in Edinburgh'' gaffed Keane.

Keane also spoke of his childhood love of Tottenham Hotspur when he signed for them on both occasions, as he did when he signed for Liverpool, Leeds, Coventry, Wolves and Italian based club Inter Milan of Milan. When asked how many clubs he supported as a child Keane said ''Only the one, I'm a one club man....it's always been Celtic.....and Spurs.......and Liverpool.........Coventry as well I suppose......Wolves I like also.......and Inter Milan.....and Leeds''.

He finished by telling journalists who he would be signing for in June ''It's always been a lifelong dream to play in Glasgow so one day I'd love to play for Rangers, so fingers crossed I won't be able to get in the starting line up for Celtic so I can join my Childhood heroes in the summer'' quipped the Irishman.

Keane finished the Press Conference by saying he still hoped to play in this summers World Cup tournament despite the Republic Of Ireland not having qualified for the event!?. ''It's been a lifelong dream to play in the World Cup and I've always been a fan of England, so I'm just hoping Fabio has got the money to spend and can bring me in to the squad this June'' said the be-wilded Keane.

Rio apologises for exposing Terry affair

Manchester United's sometime defender Rio Ferdinand (pictured above telling reporters his mental age) has offered his apologies to sour faced penalty missing love rat John Terry, for exposing the Chelsea defenders affair with Vanessa Perroncel, the ex girlfriend of his ex teammate Wayne Bridge.

Ferdinand was filming another hilarious episode of his 'Practical Joke/Prank show' titled 'Rio's About' and was following his England team mate with a film crew in readiness for performing a fake traffic warden skit for the show. ''We was there with the camera outside the hotel that Tezza had gone into, I faught it was wierd he stopped at that hotel cos it was the hotel what we use for taking our prozzies to what we don't want our wife's to know about, then we saw Tezza come out with Bridgy's bird which I faught was wierd cos I faught he'd stopped shagging her years ago!?'' Ferdinand explained, ''I was gonna get rid of the footage cos I didn't want to get JT in any trouble with his missus, but I accidentally put the video in a envelope and posted it to The News Of The World!....I was sick as a parrot about that, it was careless defending of the tape!''.

''I just want to say sorry for ruining JT's marriage by filming him, sorry to Bridgy for exposing his missus as a slapper but most of all and most impotent..... for ruining our chances of winning the world cup this year'' Ferdinand said in his dumbest voice.

In other news regarding the biggest football story of the week, Max Clifford the agent who specialises in other peoples misery and quite possibly nearly as evil as Hitler, has said his client Vanessa Perroncel deserves some praise because she might have cheated on her boyfriend with his friend and teammate but she hasn't as yet sold her story!. ''Everybody is making her out to be a bad person but she hasn't benefited from this..........yet'' said the silver haired friend of Piers Morgan. ''You could say she's the real victim in this situation'' Clifford added.