Fabregas to play in World Cup ''with broken everything'' says Spanish doctor

Would be Barcelona bench sitter Cesc Fabregas (pictured above playing in his usual position of injured) has been selected for Spain's World Cup squad despite being diagnosed with having ''a broken everything!'' by Spanish team doctor Emilio Santiago.

''I have never seen a player with as many injuries!?'' said Santiago at yesterdays Spanish team press conference just before the squad jetted off to Cape Town.

''He's got at least 2 broken legs that we know of, a disintegrated achilles, an unsatisfied ankle, malicious knee trouble and a lazy left foot......he's just got a broken everything!''.

Despite having nearly every major injury a footballer dreads, he has still been selected because manager Luis Aragones only other option of cover was Marcos Senna of Villareal, a player he has never forgiven for being black!.

Aragones told the Spanish press ''He (Fabregas) may be injured but at least with him you know what you're gonna get......a younger less greasy version of Peter Andre!!....but still the voice of an angel..........and he's not black''.

Arsenal yesterday turned down a reported offer from Barcelona of £35 million for Fabregas, which Arsene Wenger commented on from his Miami hotel where he is currently supporting The Pussycat Dolls on their North American tour.

''We have no intention of selling Le Cesc, I hope Barcelona stop flirting with him like he is a cheap suit. There is no way I want £35 million to spend in the summer...I'd be forced to buy somebody decent!....now, if you excuse me, I must go work on my set list.''

Capello selects 'Owen Goal' as 4th striker

Wrinkled Italian Fabio Capello (pictured above waving goodbye to Theo Walcott) has shocked the football world by selecting a striker that by his own admission he ''knows little about''.

The player in question is Chesham United forward Owen Goal, who is said to be ''delighted but not surprised'' at his inclusion in the World Cup squad and was also quick to rubbish reports that the only reason he had been selected was because his name sounds a little bit like Own goal, a player who has served Capello well in his reign as England head coach.

''To be honest, I think my call up has come 4 years too late, in 2006 I had a cracking season scoring 14 goals but Sven overlooked me back then. I'm just glad to be going to a World Cup!'' said the confident Ryman league player yesterday, following the announcement.

When questioned over the rumours circulating that his call up had just been an admin error, Goal said ''Naa mate, 9 goals in the Ryman League speaks for itself. He (Capello) isn't daft, he knows a prolific striker when he sees one and he's seen me and he obviously likes what he sees!''

After a few moments hesitation he concluded ''Ok, so he hasn't seen me playing that often this season but I bet he's heard good things from me mates down the Fox and Goose!''.

Speaking inconclusively to Sports In Shorts Capello talked about the surprise selection.

''I was very impressed with Own Goal, the way he took his 2 goals against Japan was very impressive. He reminded me of a young Toto Schillaci.''

Shortly after this, Capello was told that he had selected Chesham's Goal, and he reacted by saying.

''Oh fiddle the sticks, I'm always doing this!. I am such a buttery fingers eh!?. I told my secretary to always check my spelling. Its my handywriting, its very messy you see!. This wouldn't have happened if the F and A would have brought me that Laptop computer I saw for sale at Makro.....£256 plus VAT, you cannot beat that price!. I knew it would pay for itself!''

Goal has been installed as the bookmakers favorite to finish as England's top scorer in the tournament.

Commentators dealt a blow as player with funny name not selected!

French defender Rod Fanni (above) has not been selected by their eccentric manager Raymond Domenech for their World Cup squad. This move has upset many commentators from every English speaking country attending the upcoming tournament who saw the Stade Rennes defenders name as mildly amusing and easy to make a pun about.

''You need players with names like his in tournaments. Commentating may sound interesting and sexy but the reality is you have to spend a lot of time with Mick McCarthy, which can drag you down after a while!. You need funny names to keep you interested.'' commented BBC's Steve Wilson.

He went on to say ''I'm gutted he's not going because I've got loads of fanny related gags and puns which I wanted to use. Like Fanni licked for pace or he really put it up Fanni or Fanni was open wide and willing to receive!. So now I've got to get the squad lists out and see where the other funny names are......theres gotta be a South Korean eh!?.....its a pity Jamaica aren't here, they have a player called Ivor Hardon.''

Wilson's BBC colleague John Motson also spoke on the subject. ''Incidentally, he would have been the first player called Fanni to have played in the FIFA World Cup and everybody knows there are at least a couple of dicks in the England squad!.''