Arsenal's frail striker Robin Van Persie (pictured above) has admitted that for the first time in his life he no longer feels the need to go out raping!.
Gone a bit Noel Edmunds!
The Dutchman came to this decision whilst recuperating from the latest in a long line of injury lay offs. Speaking to our North London correspondent Van Persie spoke of his decision. ''If you'd have asked me 5 years ago that I'd be given up the raping, I'd have said you'd 'gone a bit Noel Edmunds', but it's honestly the way I feel!. I've had a long time on the treatment table and a lot of time on my own, and it's times like that you realise that no matter how much money you've got, women just don't want to hang round with rapists...fact!''.
Can't be arsed with raping anymore!
Van Persie then went on to describe some of the inspiration behind his decision, ''I was sat there watching Loose Women when it hit me, I thought if Kieron Dyer can give up spit-roasting, Steven Gerrard can give up DJ punching, David Pleat can stop curb crawling and Glenn Hoddle can give up insulting disabled's....then why the hell can't I stop raping!?!. So from that day I've just stopped!, I know the experts tell you that you shouldn't just give up altogether or you might go 'cold chicken', but it seems to have worked for me. I just can't be arsed with raping anymore......it's so 2004!!''.
The forward used to average 5 or 6 rapes a week in his peak and in 2006 won the unwanted title of 'Dutch Raper Of The Year' but he insists those days are behind him. ''I've turned over a new branch, from now on all my raping is going to be done on the pitch, and by raping I mean scoring........of goals in the hole...I mean net.....goals in the net''.
Van Persie made a successful comeback from injury last night in the North London derby against Tottenham Hotspur, and a visit to Spearmint Rhino's afterwards also passed without any major incidents.
