Where are they now?

Number 1: Ryan Giggs

After an amazing debut by the 17 year old Giggs against QPR in 1989 he could never live up to the hype of being labelled 'The Welsh Wizard'! mainly due to him having never actually had any formal wizard training.

In the game, he scored twice and set up a 3rd for Brian McClair and the drooling press went overboard with comparisons to the Irish superstar.......... Norman Whiteside and the Sun's famous headline called him 'A white Bobby Charlton!'.

The pressure was too much to handle at a time when footballers were becoming front page celebrities as well as back page fodder. At a party once at the house he shared with Celebrity Love Island's Lee Sharpe, his manager Alex Ferguson waited outside because he hadn't been invited. He eventually plucked up the courage to gatecrash, he entered and found the easily led Giggs smoking a cigarette, so to punish him he made him eat the entire packet in an attempt to put him off for life!.

No matter how hard he didn't train, he could never recreate the magic of his first match and by 1991 had been loaned out to Hamilton Academicals in the pointless Scottish League. Even this level proved to be too high for the now alcoholic Giggs and Manchester United, desperate to 'get rid' of their problem star said they would 'Pay anyone who wants to take him off our hands!'.

Total Network Solutions in his homeland took up the unique offer famously netting £1 million in the process.

He managed 5 games for the Welsh minnows in the inaugural Welsh League, but retired in 1995 aged 22 when he finally admitted he would never make it big in the game. From 1995 to date he has had a variety of jobs including, erotic night club dancer, part time drug dealer and umbrella salesman but these days he can be found on the streets of Manchester as the city's most popular beggar!.

January sales watch!!

The January transfer window has been open for 14 days and a number of big money deals have nearly been completed:

David James the multi hair-styled pensioner (pictured above after spotting a hairstyle he hasn't had) has joined Stoke City on loan from cash strapped Portsmouth who accepted a Mars bar and a can of Lilt as payment for the overrated goalkeeper.

Jermaine Beckford is certain to leave Leeds Utd with the striker wanting a move to the Premier League but as he rates himself much higher than anybody else does, a move to Scotland is more likely, with Rangers and Celtic battling it out once more to sign the £75'000 valued player.

Sol Campbell has rejoined Arsenal with Arsene Wenger admitting he didn't see the build up to the move from where he was and would have to watch the TV coverage of it before he could comment.....but strongly denied it was likely to happen!.

Manchester United manager Sir Angry Ferguson has said he is unlikely to spend any money on his first team squad this January because the 'For Sale' signs have gone up outside Old Trafford in a bid to raise the money he says he can spend but obviously haven't got.

Liverpool have been the 'Big Spenders' so far with Argentinian passenger Maxi Rodriguez joining on a free transfer from Athletico Madrid to rival Albert Riera for a place on the reserves subs bench.

The big transfer news in Scotland is that most decent players will leave the Scottish league at some point in their career if they are any good.

News from La Liga in Spanish Spain is that Real Madrid have once again spent all their money on the best players in the world but failed to secure a manager thats any good, as Paul Hart seems likely to take over from one time bottled water inventor Manuel Pellegrini. Hart yesterday left QPR after only 5 games in charge when erratic boss Flavio Briatore confusingly claimed he (Hart) ''just wasn't getting to the training ground quickly enough for his liking!, he's no Michael Schumacher!''

More transfer news one day maybe?

Ashley Cole tells press to stop saying he's straight!

Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole (pictured above left in the infamous aftermath of his affair with David Beckham) has hit out at journalists who are constantly insinuating that he is a straight heterosexual man (non gay).

The camp left back speaking to Sports In Shorts said 'I just wish all these rumours would stop!, I'm definitely gay, I've always been openly gay.....I even made a gay sex romp video in Ibiza with Sol Campbell and Freddie Ljungberg but the press still insist on saying I'm married to Cheryl Tweedy!?. We're not married!!! urgghh!, I love Cheryl as a friend but the thought of seeing her naked repulses me!.....we're just gals who like to hang out and have sleepovers.....that kind of thing. She just happened to change her name back to her Dad's name of Cole'.

Cole finished the interview by reassuring his fans 'I just want to say don't believe what you read in the papers!, I'm definitely gay.....gay as ever....don't worry about that..........I'm so gay!' he added.

Scarf sales go through the roof in Manchester!

Sales of the blue and white scarf recently worn by new Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini (above with scarf in hands) have reportedly gone through the roof in the last 2 weeks since the Italian took over.

He first appeared in the garment when being introduced to the fans, with one fan in particular commenting 'I know nowt about the lad but anyone who can carry a scarf off like that must be worth a go!. If you'd av told me I'd ever be thinking about buying a scarf and sticking it around me neck, I'd av thought thee were fookin mad! but I reckon I might get me one of those!'.

Mancini once again sported the neck appendage whilst stood on the sidelines watching his team beat Blackburn 4-1 last night and was copied by his opposite number Sam Alladyce who went with a grey scarf/jacket combination. A move which did not go down well with fashion conscious Mancs. Lindsey Buckingham from Burnage said 'Big Sam shouldn't av worn a scarf, he just hasn't got the raw fashion ability of Roberto'.

Scarfs were invented in 1867 by Venetian inventor Luigi Scarfi, who wanted to find a cure for his chilly neck after a late night winter walk home from his friend Massimo Cravati's house, and have become a staple diet of the Italian mans wardrobe ever since, despite the opinion in Britain that they 'look a little bit gay!'.

The scarfs are available from the City club shop for a very unreasonable £65 plus wool tax but it's not just the neck garment that's got fans swooning, lifelong blues fan Gary King said 'Its not just his scarf we love here at city, its his lovely hair.....he must use shampoo or summat on it?!? its superb. If i weren't bald i probably have the same style myself........it'd go great with my man bag!'.

The club in line with the demand to want to look like Mancini will bring out the 'Dress like Roberto kit' featuring scarf, raincoat, wig, Italian phrasebook and man bag available for £120 plus ridicule tax.

The clubs heartless backstabber Garry Cook commented 'No ones getting carried away with the clamber to want to look like Roberto, if you remember we had the same thing when Sven took over but we wasted millions on developing the Sven spectacle, grey suit and blow up Ulrika Jonsson doll kit'.

Other clubs also sell manager merchandise with Manchester United selling the used chewing gum spat out by Alex Ferguson when querying the time added on at the end of the games, and Arsenal sell the popular 'I didn't see the incident specs'.

Berbatov's tired of football!

Manchester United's languid Bulgarian forward Dimitar Berbatov (pictured above waking up after a nap at Spurs) has declared that he is a sufferer of the affliction Narcolepsy the disease which can make people fall into bouts of sleep at any time of the day.

Angry Scottish manager Alex Ferguson speaking through his BBC interpreter Mike Phelan said 'We've never actually seen the lad (Berbatov) awake, but Harry (Redknapp) at Tottenham (Hotspur) has assured that when he wakes up he'll be worth the £30 million we spent on him. They gave us a guarantee as well that if we don't see him awake within 3 years they'll give us our money back!!, but the thing is........ having a player on the pitch asleep is better than having a fully awake Michael Owen!'.

At one point during the FA Cup 3rd round tie with Leeds Utd at Old Trafford he looked like he was going to wake up as he started rubbing his eyes and yawning but he just looked at the time on the scoreboard and realised he'd still got some time before the game ended, so he just put his thumb back in his mouth and went back to the land of nod.

Another famous sufferer of Narcolepsy in football is the ex Southampton drifter Matthew Le Tissier who currently acts a summariser on Sky Sports Soccer Saturday. Programme supremo Jeff Stelling said 'Matt does a great job on the show even though he's out of it most of the time!, he's developed a skill that enables him to commentate on matches whilst being asleep. He sometimes blurts out non football quotes...... usually about food but he's soon back onto detailed analysis of the game'.