Cheltenham Festival Roundup

A roundup of the weeks main action at the world famous racing festival (not cars....horses!?!):

Monday
The highlight of the day was the 'Broadmoor Institutionally Insane Stakes' run over a grass course with big fences on it. The winner was Osamas Bad Mood at 5-1 ridden by Tony McCoy with Oriental Racism coming second at 22-1 two yards ahead of 7-2 favorite Presidential Tyrant.

Tuesday
The 53rd running of the 'Japanese Tuna Slaughter Trophy' was won by the once hapless Brown's One Eyed Victory ridden by a jockey, with Cameron's Big Face coming second with No Chance Cleggy coming a distant third.

Wednesday
Traditionally Wednesday is 'Human day' at Cheltenham with all patrons adorning the dress of an authentic human, and the race they had all come to see was the 'Piers Morgan puts the Smug In Smug Trophy' sponsored by SMUG the new fragrance by Piers Morgan.
The Timmy Murphy ridden Thatchers Armpit took the spoils at 15-1 easily beating North Korean Rocket Launcher into second and Little Dicky Cocker into third.

Thursday
The big draw on Thursday was the 'Corneilius Lysaght...real name or false?' Invitational Stakes, run over two miles. The going was 'alright' and the Irish trained Poetic Rape beat Ruud Van Nistelrooy and Billie Piper into second and third respectively. The winning Irish jockey Seamus O'Limerick said ''this really isn't just a victory for me, its for the horse as well...Poetic rape deserves some as much credit as me!!

Friday
The Cheltenham Golden Cup drew a record crowd of over 200 people and £156 being gambled on the much fancied favorite K-Toe Star, who was taking on it's much hyped but often disappointing stablemate Henham and in doing so hoping to land his 45rd Golden Cup!.
However the television signal failed just before the race started so we don't know who won.....sorry!?!....look it up on the Internet.

More racing news one day

ITV commentators argue about who loves Messi more!!

ITV Sports team of presenters, pundits and commentators went way overboard on Wednesday night in lavishing huge amounts of praise on Barcelona's pint sized striker Lionel Messi, before arguing over who loves the little play maker more!?!.

The Argentinian forward (short) capped another great performance by scoring two goals against the German team Stuttgart, in addition to goals scored by Pedro and Bojan, but it was the 'over the top' compliments the ITV team put on Messi that really caught the eyes and ears!.

It started before the match when the usually unflappable presenter Steve Rider (above) 'went all coy' when pundit Andy Townsend mentioned Messi's name in the pre match chat. Rider said ''He's not here is he?....how does my hair look?...I'm not gay but I love that little genius!''. Rider went on to say ''Andy, not only is Lionel the best player on display tonight, but do you think he likes me?........I mean my presenting style!!?!!'' he added when Townsend (shiny) raised an eyebrow at what the former BBC man had said.

When Messi scored his first goal in the first half, the general opinion amongst the fans and viewers was that it was a very good goal, but co-commentator Jim Beglin 'went too far' with his reaction, as he could be heard having a slight orgasm on his microphone and afterwards saying ''Wow!..., that young Argie really knows how to use his feet doesn't he.....he's better than awesome....he's feckin awesome!'' later adding ''that's the best goal ever!''.

Messi's second goal had Beglin and his commentating partner Clive Tyldesley arguing about which one loved him more. Beglin again made his feelings clear by saying ''He's the best player ever, that was the best goal ever.......I really do love him Clive!''.
''Yes, but on balance I appreciate his lovely personality as well as his lovely little feet....It doesn't matter how small they are as long as he knows what to do with them!'' said a swooning Tyldesley before adding ''And if he saw us...he'd definitely pick me over you Jim''. He then totally lost his cool and shouted ''I LOVE YOU LIONEL'' which Beglin followed with ''I LOVE YOU MORE LIONEL!!.......he doesn't love you, he doesn't even know what your favorite colour is!?!''.

An ITV spokesman after the match said ''Yes its true, our football team do tend to go overboard with compliments.... especially when talking about Messi...as great and lovely as he is!, but at least we don't miss goals anymore....its baby steps...one thing at a time''. ''Rome wasn't built in a month...it took ruddy years'' he added.

World's oldest football club win Anglo-Italian Trophy!

The worlds oldest football club Sheffield FC, last night beat the Italian team ASD Pro Appio in the Anglo-Italian International Trophy. The score however could not be agreed on with the referee counting 12 goals to nil, both linesman counting 11 goals to no reply and Jerry the ground announcer claiming ''To be honest I got in late, some kids told me I missed 4 goals but I don't know if they're tricking me or not!?!....I only saw 8!?!''.

The match organisers decided to use 'average' system to work out the correct score for the first time in the sports history, with Sheffield being credited with the victory by 10.33 goals to nil. Man of the match Steve Woolley scored 3.33 goals and spoke with our reporter. ''Appio gave us a good game, a score of 10.33 nil looks on paper like it was one sided but It wasn't like that at all''.

The Italians suffered a number of injuries to take with them back to Rome, goalkeeper Emiliano Musico was taken off at half time with a bruised ego following the conceding of 4 goals in the first 3 minutes!, midfielder Andrea Cifani walked of the pitch on 53 minutes claiming ''We were told we were coming to Sheffield Utd and Bramall Lane.......look at this dump!!......its not worth it....I'm shooting off back to my Mama's!'', and striker Manolo Teodori 'popping' his newly fitted gastric band following a half time meat pie!.

The home team took pity on the visitors going into the final 10 minutes, by dangling the carrot of giving them a goal of they could get over the halfway line....sadly this only brought more nerves into the players heads and they scored the worlds first own goal penalty!.

Info supplied by DC

MATCH STATS

Sheffield----Pro Appio
Goals 10.33 ---- 0
Shots 124 ---- 0
On Target 12.33 ---- 0
Possession 99% ---- 1%
Yellow Cards 0 ---- 0
Red Cards 0 ---- 0
Retirements 0 ---- 15

Best Player and Match Rating

Steve Woolley (Sheffield) 9
Giorgio Turini (Pro Appio) -5