Premier League to vote on Play Offs for Top 20!!

Premier league chiefs are considering the possibility of introducing a 'play off' system for the Top 20 teams in the league to add interest at the end of the regular season in May.

The idea was proposed by Bolton Chairman Phil Gartside, who spoke to Sports In Shorts. '' Yeah, It wer my idea, good innit!. What I think we should do once every team has played 38 games is get the top 2 teams to play a 7 match 'head to head' with any draws going to replays in addition to the 7 games. Whoever wins the most will be crowned the Champions and gain entry to the Champions League, the runner up would also qualify for the Champions League as would the 3rd and 4th placed teams after the clubs who finished 3rd to 20th have to play each other home and away again with 3 points for a win, 2 for a draw and minus 5 for a loss. But you would also get a 'bonus' point for every goal you score, and minus bonus points for every goal you concede!. However that finishes will be the final table''.

Our reporter then asked Gartside how he planned to fit in all these extra games!. ''Don't worry, I've thought of that, I'm not just a pretty face!. Instead of 90 minutes, the games will be 15 minutes each way, that way we'll be able to play 3 or 4 games every day including travel time, or another possibility would be to play all these games on Pro Evo Soccer on me new Playstation 3!?!''.

Premier league clubs will be voting for the new idea at the next Premier League meeting which is being held at The Ramada Inn Reading, 2 weeks on Tuesday ago.

Ancelotti forgets about Zhirkov!

Chelsea's baffled Italian manager Carlo Ancelotti (pictured above filming the new lynx advert) has admitted that he'd forgotten all about Yuri Zhirkov!.

The Russian left sided defender was signed from CSKA Moscow in July 2009 for £14 million but has been used sparingly this season, despite first choice left back and amateur photographer Ashley Cole picking up a long term injury and divorce.

The former Milan manager Ancelotti spoke to Sports In Shorts at Chelsea's training ground, ''To be honest, I forgot all about Yuri, I mean, I saw him hanging around in training but I just presumed he was a friend of Roman's!, he's got that vacant look that Russians have!, do you know what I mean!?!, so I thought he was probably a hitman or summat. It totally slipped my mind we brought him, ha just goes to show what I know! lmao.....that means I am laughin' my arse off!!''.

Ancelotti finished by asking about other players in the squad. ''Do we still own Juan Veron, does anybody know?, and Ian Wrighty-Phillips....did we sell him?....I get confused. And what about him''? the Italian blurted, whilst pointing at Daniel Sturridge, ''Is he my player?'', a club spokesman responded by saying ''Yes Carlo, that's Daniel, we got him from City last summer!''. ''Ah yes yes, of course City,....Birmingham City'' Ancelotti responded knowingly.....''Manchester'' the Spokesman corrected.......''Yes, Yes.....Manchester, that's what I said'' added Ancelotti.

Schoolboys take legal action against people critising their defending!

Schoolboys the world over have instructed Lawyers to launch legal action against anyone using the term 'Schoolboy defending' in a derogatory sense.

The biggest users are football commentators and pundits, when rather than actually describing what the defenders did wrong and how they could have correctly defended the play, they just fling out the same old boring phrase, saying 'That was schoolboy defending Brian!'.

One of the worst culprits is Sky Sports windbag Andy Gray, who in the 4-3 victory by Manchester City over Sunderland earlier in the season used the phrase 54 times!, with Alan Hansen on MOTD2 once using it over 40 times in one show when talking about Liverpool defender Daniel Agger!.

Schoolboy Jake Elwood from Bristol said ''It's not fair, they talk about bad defending by comparing it to how us schoolboys defend........I'm not sure how Alan Hansen knows how I defend, cos I'm sure he's never watched me!?!, and even if I did defend badly occasionally, It's not fair to insinuate that I always do!!. Why can't they just say it's bad defending?, lazy tit!''.

Elwood went on to say about other gripes he has with commentators ''They also describe good play in football and some other sports as being 'Textbook', now I've never seen sport being taught in a textbook have you?!?''.

But the BBC's resident dullard John Motson (above) responded to these claims. ''Incidentally Gary, the term 'Schoolboy defending' can be traced back to the Second World War, when London schoolboys were send out by their schoolmasters to shield their schools from bombs being dropped by Johnny Foreigner!, with the best defenders being St Cuthbert's Primary from Chiswick who successfully defended their school 15 times in 1944 alone!. It's ironic now that the term is used as a sign of poor defending whereas it's actually performing a heroic act!''.

Tiger's mum says her son should be allowed to put it where he wants!!!

Serial American sex pest Tiger Woods, appeared on Friday at an organized press conference to offer his stage managed apologies to his wife, kids, mum, extended family, friends, sponsors, fans & pets for the shame and embarrassment caused by the string of extra marital affairs he has engaged in around the world.

But it was his mum Caterina who made the most headlines when she stuck up for her sons behaviour!.

Before Mrs Woods took to the mic, Tiger went on to apologize for the earthquake in Haiti, for the lacklustre punditry by Alan Hansen on MOTD, for Hitler's bad mood with Jewish people, for Wayne Rooney's premature hair loss and England's inability to be any good at One Day International Cricket!.

Whilst Woods was speaking, his mother could be seen shaking her head in a disapproving manner, as he finished he went over to her for comfort but she clipped him round the ear, pushed him out the way and made the following statement.

''God damn bro, why can't my boy put some dick about?. He rich ain't he?, can do what he wants to any hoe that wants some Tiger play....it's just a good job his father Tiger Senior ain't here to hear this, he'd be one angry cat......he used to have his dick everywhere and never said sorry!, and d'yer know why?, because he rich, rich men can do what they want......and his wife....... that Swedish hoe, if she don't like it, she knows where the doors at!!''

Security then removed Mother Woods from the podium but she could be heard shouting ''Get your hands off me mother fecker , I'll sue your ass.... bitch, everybody want some Woods don't they.....you can't stop me!......what are you?, some kind of dick police!?!''.

Woods(Tiger) then apologized for his Mothers comments, blaming hormones for the outburst!.

Warnock accepts defeat surprisingly well!!

Bad tempered Crystal Palace manager and quite possibly one of the most angry people ever invented, Neil Warnock, accepted a loss at Junior Monopoly surprisingly well on Saturday!. The usually horrible man was enjoying a day off and was playing with his Aunt, Nephew and Daughter when had all his pretend money taken away early on, following a secession of unlucky dice rolls kept landing him on his Nephew's loaded properties!

Warnock then had no money to invest when he landed on 'free' squares, and eventually found himself first out the game. Fearing the worst the rest of the family shielded the board so the 'poor loser' Warnock couldn't wipe all the counters and pieces from the table. But an unusually calm Warnock said ''Ah, never mind, I played badly, I had it coming to be honest!''. His mum Betty who was acting as 'Game Referee', braced herself for a tirade of abuse, similar to the recent attack she sustained following a loss of a game of Cluedo, but the ex Sheff Utd boss just seemed resigned to defeat.

Speaking after the loss Betty Warnock said ''It shocked me actually, our Neil is a really bad loser most of the time, but he accepted defeat very well this time......it seems he might finally have grown up!?!....bout time though eh!?!''

The Eagles manager soon got back to normal service at Selhurst Park on Sunday afternoon though, when he strongly disagreed with the lines mans decision to give a corner and not a goal kick from which Aston Villa scored from, to draw the match 2-2. He said this to ITV reporter Gabriel Clarke ''Jesus, I mean, how did he give that decision?, seems everybody has got it in for me haven't they!......first my Nephew, now the linesman.....who next.......God??.......I can't say what I'm really feeling cos I'll be in trouble but I will say, that the linesman, who may I point out found it funny that I was crying at the final whistle!! probably deserves to be sacked or at least imprisoned for what he did today''.

Clarke then had to flee the agitated Warnock after he responded with ''C'mon Neil, it's only a game mate''

Winter Olympics started 3 weeks ago, but no one noticed!

The Winter Olympic competition in Vancouver Canadia started 3 weeks ago but no one even noticed!. The games which used to be watched by millions, kicked off at the end of January but organisers 'forgot' to tell anybody!.

Percy Winterbottom from the Olympic Committee spoke to Sports In Shorts, he said ''Usually people seem really interested in the Games so we just assumed that people knew it had started!?, it was when Clare Balding from the BBC asked us when the Men's Downhill started?, we had to tell her that it happened last week and was won by either a Swiss or Austrian.....something like that.....I can't even remember!?!''. He went on to say how interest in the competition seems to have wained over the years ''There was a time when we'd have been sold out!, with all the hotel rooms full and loads of Curling fans chanting and singing their songs in the town centre, but we had more people in Vancouver last year when Peter Andre opened our new Sainsbury's''.

Following the lack of interest in the games the Olympic committee are considering bringing Simon Cowell in to judge the Ice Dancing competition, with the winner to be decided by a phone vote. An excited Cowell said ''Ya, the way to make the games more popular is definitely to bring me in, cut out the boring Skiing stuff, I'll be cruel to a couple of the Ice Dancers and the Jamaican bobsleigh team, then we'll have a phone vote and Louis's yer uncle........we've got ourselves a hit show!!, we'll also get rid of those stupid medals, the winners can just have a signed photo of me!!'' the high trousered Cowell added.

''All Wenger Does Is Whinge!!'', Whinges Ballack

Chelsea midfield whinge bag Michael Ballack has been caught whinging once again, with Arsene Wenger this time bearing the brunt of his whinge attack.

The German moaning minnie told Chelsea TV this, (in his German accent) ''All Wenger does is whinge!....ooooh, we played better but didn't win, we've got better kits than you I've got a better looking wife.....it just gets tiresome......somebody should tell him that no-one likes a moaner!'' moaned Ballack.

This outburst was in response to Wenger taunting Chelsea after Arsenal's 2-0 defeat to the West London club, saying things like ''We didn't want to win anyway!......in a way'', and that Mrs Wenger was ''way better looking than Mrs Ancelotti!''.

Ballack then went on to moan about some other subjects ''I wish they wouldn't keep changing Facebook!, the new layout is horrible!'' whined the German man, and ''Why can't you find Honey Roasted Peanuts anymore''.

The BBC have recently announced that a new programme has been commissioned called 'Grumpy Old German Footballers', and will be broadcast in early 2011.