Ashley Cole tells press to stop saying he's straight!

Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole (pictured above left in the infamous aftermath of his affair with David Beckham) has hit out at journalists who are constantly insinuating that he is a straight heterosexual man (non gay).

The camp left back speaking to Sports In Shorts said 'I just wish all these rumours would stop!, I'm definitely gay, I've always been openly gay.....I even made a gay sex romp video in Ibiza with Sol Campbell and Freddie Ljungberg but the press still insist on saying I'm married to Cheryl Tweedy!?. We're not married!!! urgghh!, I love Cheryl as a friend but the thought of seeing her naked repulses me!.....we're just gals who like to hang out and have sleepovers.....that kind of thing. She just happened to change her name back to her Dad's name of Cole'.

Cole finished the interview by reassuring his fans 'I just want to say don't believe what you read in the papers!, I'm definitely gay.....gay as ever....don't worry about that..........I'm so gay!' he added.

Scarf sales go through the roof in Manchester!

Sales of the blue and white scarf recently worn by new Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini (above with scarf in hands) have reportedly gone through the roof in the last 2 weeks since the Italian took over.

He first appeared in the garment when being introduced to the fans, with one fan in particular commenting 'I know nowt about the lad but anyone who can carry a scarf off like that must be worth a go!. If you'd av told me I'd ever be thinking about buying a scarf and sticking it around me neck, I'd av thought thee were fookin mad! but I reckon I might get me one of those!'.

Mancini once again sported the neck appendage whilst stood on the sidelines watching his team beat Blackburn 4-1 last night and was copied by his opposite number Sam Alladyce who went with a grey scarf/jacket combination. A move which did not go down well with fashion conscious Mancs. Lindsey Buckingham from Burnage said 'Big Sam shouldn't av worn a scarf, he just hasn't got the raw fashion ability of Roberto'.

Scarfs were invented in 1867 by Venetian inventor Luigi Scarfi, who wanted to find a cure for his chilly neck after a late night winter walk home from his friend Massimo Cravati's house, and have become a staple diet of the Italian mans wardrobe ever since, despite the opinion in Britain that they 'look a little bit gay!'.

The scarfs are available from the City club shop for a very unreasonable £65 plus wool tax but it's not just the neck garment that's got fans swooning, lifelong blues fan Gary King said 'Its not just his scarf we love here at city, its his lovely hair.....he must use shampoo or summat on it?!? its superb. If i weren't bald i probably have the same style myself........it'd go great with my man bag!'.

The club in line with the demand to want to look like Mancini will bring out the 'Dress like Roberto kit' featuring scarf, raincoat, wig, Italian phrasebook and man bag available for £120 plus ridicule tax.

The clubs heartless backstabber Garry Cook commented 'No ones getting carried away with the clamber to want to look like Roberto, if you remember we had the same thing when Sven took over but we wasted millions on developing the Sven spectacle, grey suit and blow up Ulrika Jonsson doll kit'.

Other clubs also sell manager merchandise with Manchester United selling the used chewing gum spat out by Alex Ferguson when querying the time added on at the end of the games, and Arsenal sell the popular 'I didn't see the incident specs'.

Berbatov's tired of football!

Manchester United's languid Bulgarian forward Dimitar Berbatov (pictured above waking up after a nap at Spurs) has declared that he is a sufferer of the affliction Narcolepsy the disease which can make people fall into bouts of sleep at any time of the day.

Angry Scottish manager Alex Ferguson speaking through his BBC interpreter Mike Phelan said 'We've never actually seen the lad (Berbatov) awake, but Harry (Redknapp) at Tottenham (Hotspur) has assured that when he wakes up he'll be worth the £30 million we spent on him. They gave us a guarantee as well that if we don't see him awake within 3 years they'll give us our money back!!, but the thing is........ having a player on the pitch asleep is better than having a fully awake Michael Owen!'.

At one point during the FA Cup 3rd round tie with Leeds Utd at Old Trafford he looked like he was going to wake up as he started rubbing his eyes and yawning but he just looked at the time on the scoreboard and realised he'd still got some time before the game ended, so he just put his thumb back in his mouth and went back to the land of nod.

Another famous sufferer of Narcolepsy in football is the ex Southampton drifter Matthew Le Tissier who currently acts a summariser on Sky Sports Soccer Saturday. Programme supremo Jeff Stelling said 'Matt does a great job on the show even though he's out of it most of the time!, he's developed a skill that enables him to commentate on matches whilst being asleep. He sometimes blurts out non football quotes...... usually about food but he's soon back onto detailed analysis of the game'.

Sir Geoffrey Boycotts his senses!

Sir Geoffrey Boycott (above) the ex Yorkshire and England batsman and current critical Yorkshire man has told failing or over the hill sports stars such as Michael Owen or Kevin Pietersen to adopt the ridiculous ancient art form of Feng Shui in order to change their fortunes.

Boycott who holds the healing powers of Feng Shui responsible for curing his boring blocking style of batting, told Madness Magazine 'Before I turned to Feng Shui it used to take me 900 balls on average to get off the mark which was becoming a problem for my batting stats....especially in one-day cricket!, but after I pointed my settee in the right direction my run scoring increased two fold!'.

The Chinese invented Feng Shui when they were bored one weekend to make them sound wise and interesting and in touch with the universe and also to take every body's minds off the whole human rights violation thing!.
Some of its made up virtues are that if you wear red you will always be successful (a case proven by the current West Indies cricket team), you should always face the sun whenever possible (providing you've got a good pair of sunglasses) and you should eat hot food instead of the more popular cold food options.

The once sane ex cricketer now criticises England's current players for a living on Radio 4's Test Match Special, and made the claim on air to a bewildered Jonathan Agnew who tried to deflect Sir Geoff from his ramblings with a lovely slice of cake sent in by Maureen Coombs from Shrewsbury. A move which backfired when Geoffrey pointed out he couldn't possibly eat it without having lucky hot custard poured over it in line with Feng Shui traditions!.

Fulham ask FA for last nights loss to be postponed!

Fulham chairman Mohammed Al Fayed (above brandishing a threatening fax) this morning phoned the FA asking for last nights 3-2 loss at Stoke City to be postponed.

The erratic non British passport owning rich man asked for the strange request because he felt aggrieved at not being able to 'have a snow day' like the rest of the country.

Al Fayed moaned this to a Sports In Shorts correspondent this morning 'Its reet not fair, rest of t'country gets to go out and play in t'snow and we had to go to that god forsaken place! (Stoke), I mean for fecks sake even Manchester City have called off tonight's game, I demand that last nights loss gets deleted from the record books and we can play it again when the weather is nice..... say in June?'.

Stoke was bizarrely the only place in Great Kingdom that didn't get any snow so the Premier League mid table Europa league/relegation dogfight between Stoke City and Fulham was able to go ahead, with Stoke taking a 3 nil lead going into the half time break and Fulham fighting back with 2 goals in the 2nd half including a 'wonder goal' by Clint 'Dirty Harry' Dempsey.

Snow expert Channel Fours Jon 'Snowy' Snow has warned that more towns and cities might get left out in the future when everybody else is having fun on sledges and stuff. He said 'the problem is boring places like Stoke just get left out cos the snow just forgets to go there!, its like tonight,... most events will be postponed but in places like Slough theres no snow at all!.......its just a shame that they are really rubbish at football so haven't got a team!'.

Tour De France On Tour

The 2010 Tour De France will not have any stages in France for only the 2nd time in its 678 year history, it was announced yesterday by race drug givers Astra Zeneca.

The bike race which started before pushbikes were even invented has been dogged with controversy for years with allegations of cheating and illegal drug use (2009 winner Pierre Curzon pictured above before race organizers uncovered his bike was actually a car in disguise!).

This year the tour will commence in New York on June 3rd where riders will do a few laps round central park, then every rider will be asked to remember which position they were in for when they start the penultimate stage in Moscow where they will do a road race round the insecure city before finishing outside the Kremlin. Then every rider will be ferried to the foot of Mount Kilimanjaro for a proper mountain climb up the man made hill where the race will end if anybody survives it.

American bike rider Lance Armstrong who has raced in more tours than anybody without having ever won it, said ' I hope the change in scenery gives me a bit of extra luck so i can maybe clock up my first win!', but race traditionalists are less happy, a french bike riding fan who cannot be named for pronunciation reasons said 'How can you have the Tour De France that isn't in France?? its crazy, its like having Deal or No Deal without Noel Edmunds!......or a Frenchman with no garlic round his neck!!'.

In addition to the change of venue it has also been declared than in an attempt to combat the unfairness of many riders gaining an advantage through the use of performance enhancing drugs, riders will be able to take 'pretty much anything they want', in fact rumours suggest that instead of drinks being available by the roadside there will be complimentary steroids.

China condems Motherwell for sacking Gannon

There were scenes of outrage yesterday in China after the delayed news of Jim Gannon's sacking from Scottish no hopers Motherwell who play in the the pointless Scottish Premier League was finally announced to the Jim Gannon loving Chinese public.

Gannon (pictured above) once holidayed in the unliberal country where he declared the Kung Po Chicken he sampled for the first time as 'Top notch!'. Ever since, the easily lead Chinese public have been staunch supporters of the former curly haired midfield lightweight.

In an interview with the popular Chinese magazine 'Human Rights, Human Scmights!', Jim Gannon enthusiast and Chairman of the Jim Gannon Supporters Club, Xing Li said 'We are gonna be doing everything possible to make sure Mr Jim either gets his job back at Motherwell or gets an even better job.......say at Falkirk or summat!?!'.
He then went onto say how China's love for Motherwell has almost been wiped out. 'Don't get me wrong, Motherwell are...sorry.... were..... popular here in China but if theres something or someone that's more popular than Motherwell its Jim Gannon..........we see him as a sort of a Superhero!?!. We strongly suspect that Mr Jim's human rights have been violated by this sacking, but he can rest assured the Chinese public will defend him until the board of directors at Motherwell are slaughtered!!..........or at least told off very harshly!'.

The trigger happy right wing country's government have also asked that the Motherwell board or directors responsible for sacking Gannon are extradited to China, so they can give them a half baked unfair trial for unfair dismissal, which in China has the maximum punishment of Death by lethal takeaway meal.

Gannon speaking with Sports In Shorts said 'It really makes your heart glow when you find out that a nation of bully's like China are fighting your corner!'.