City's Cook in Real Life 'Brewsters Millions' situation

It has emerged that the the reason for Manchester City's unbelievably bad spending spree over the last couple of years is down to a playful clause placed in chief executive Garry Cook's contract.

Cook (pictured left when he signed Mark Hughes as manager, shortly before sacking Mark Hughes as manager) signed a contract at Eastlands in 2007 including a never before heard of clause that he should try and waste £850 million pounds over the next 3 years leaving him with no footballing assets!?, which should he achieve he would then qualify for a payment of £100 billion which he would receive in vouchers and be able to spend at all branches of Dorothy Perkins in the Manchester area.

The amazing challenge is surprisingly similar to the storyline of the 1985 Richard Pryor film 'Brewsters Millions' which is known to be the favorite film of owner Sheikh Mansour Bin Zayed Al Nahyan (which incidentally means 'More money than sense' in Arabic).

The film centres on the idea that an aging Minor league Baseball player is left £300 million in a relatives will but only if he can spend £30 million in 30 days and have nothing to show for it!.

Fan Brian Hewlet-Packard from Chapel en the Frith said ''I'm not surprised to be honest, I mean how else can you explain signing players like Lescott, Bridge, Zabaleta, Boateng, Jo, Benjani, Garrido, Bojinov, both Toure's, Santa Cruz, De Jong, Kompany, Bellamy, Wright-Phillips, Adebayor and Petrov!......pointless..... Just think, if we'd have saved the squad we had and spent all that cash on some quality players we might have been the 4th best team in the Premier League!?!....doubtful but you never know.''

Man City sign another player no ones ever heard of!

Premier League spendthrifts Manchester City have once again wasted another shitload of money by promising Lazio £19million for their never before heard of Serbian leftback Aleksander Kolarov (not pictured above due to no one knowing who he is).

This latest mystery signing is in addition to Jerome Boateng joining from Hamburg, David Silva leaving his self respect in Valencia and Mario Balotelli's agent pushing for more than Comic Relief could raise in a decade.

Manager Roberto Mancini was asked at a press conference in New York about his latest defensive signing.

''I won't lie to you, I've never heard of him either, but when the papers started saying Liverpool and some other clubs were interested in him, we thought we ought to ruin his career like we did Roque Santa Cruz's.''

He was then asked about the other signings his club had made this summer.

''Jerome Boateng I am told already has a brother who plays in the Premiership, I think his name is Cameron, and David Silva played a minute in the World Cup so he must be alright!?.''

He ended the questioning by suggesting what he might do with the other 5 left backs he has in his squad

''My cars need washing so there won't be a lack of opportunity to impress me, I dunno.........Suppose we could maybe sell one to Liverpool or something...I don't know, I'm only thinking off the top??......all I know is I can't stop spending.......I can't tell you why yet but you will find out soon.....I promise!!.''

He then left the Press Conference looking as if he had said something he shouldn't have. This story will run.

Shares slump as Robbie stays put!

Shares on the London Stock Exchange fell sharply yesterday after the UK’s leading removal firm issued a profits warning statement for 2010.

At a hastily arranged press conference the company’s Chief Finance Officer explained that the their UK business plan had relied heavily upon the annual summer transfer of the Tottenham Hotspur and Republic of Ireland striker, Robbie Keane (pictured above with siblings Roy and Diane). ‘As a move for the former Wolves, Coventry, Inter Milan, Leeds United, Liverpool and Celtic man had so far not materialised during the close season, it is only right for our shareholders and institutional investors to be warned of the potential impact’ he added.

Mr Shifter, Chairman of the British Association of Removers, talking exclusively to the Sports in Shorts, explained that…‘ The last decade has been a golden age for the UK removal industry with the high turnover of footballers changing clubs each year. This year the big clubs are really strapped for cash and this is having a direct impact on the volume of trade for our members. We’ve not seen a downturn like this since BBC Pundit and journeyman professional, Steve ‘I’ve got more clubs than Jack Nicklaus’ Claridge hung up his boots!’

Mr Shifter denied reports that his organisation was trying to kick-start the football transfer market by showering a number of high-profile premier league managers with expensive gifts and lavish corporate hospitality. However, this was at odds with footage from our reporter’s secret camera, which caught the former PG Tips executive discretely stuffing cash into two large brown envelopes...addressed to a Mr Mancini.

Where the ****ing hell are you?

Football clubs in Scotland have voted unanimously at their AGM to rename perennial Division 3 underachievers Albion Rovers. Problems arose last season at a number of fixtures involving the Coatbridge based club because away fans and club officials could not find the club’s Cliftonhill stadium, leading to numerous late kick-offs.

The situation came to a head last week when Arbroath failed to turn-up for a Tennants Premium Strength Cup tie, arriving instead at The Hawthorns for a pre-season friendly between West Bromwich Albion and Blackburn Rovers. Celebrity ‘Throstles’ fans Adrian Chiles and Frank Skinner looked on in disbelief as the assorted part-time professionals (10 trawlermen and a car park attendant) from the ‘smoked kipper’ capital of the world played the premier league outfits off the park in a hastily arranged three-way round-robin tournament.

The Arbroath bus driver explained to our Sports in Shorts reporter that there had been a problem with his satellite navigation system. Roughly translated into English, he said...‘Look Jimmy, all I did was put ‘Albion Rovers’ in the sat-nav ‘n’ follow the directions from the posh speaking bird. How the **** am I supposed to know where Albion Rovers is? They ought to have a proper name like Queen of the South, St Mirren or somethin’…

Officials from Albion Rovers are likely to appeal against the SFA decision and have strongly defended the clubs generic name, the origins of which are only known to the veteran BBC Scotland football reporter, Archie McPherson. When the time comes McPherson has promised to pass the secret down to his more famous broadcasting daughter, Hazel Irvine.

Football historians speculate that the club’s founders could not agree on a name, so, as a bit of fun, picked the names of other football club endings out of a hat. Before settling on the name Albion Rovers a number of alternatives were apparently rejected. These included County Town, Forest Rangers, North End Villa, Wednesday Nil and - because it clashed with the name of Coatbridge's premier Chinese take-away - Orient City!

ITV's promise of 'broadcast error' fails as millions subjected to dour final!

ITV chiefs have apologised for an internal error which led to the entire World Cup final between Spain and The Netherlands being shown with no broadcast problems at all!

The channel which is prone to mistakenly cutting to advert breaks just as something of interest is about to happen in a game of football, went the whole 90 minutes and a further 30 minutes of extra time without once missing any of the action!?. This has upset regular viewers.

Dave Gantree of Grantham, Lincolnshire said ''When we really needed ITV to save us from the dross being played last night, they didn't deliver!. I would have killed to have seen a 'Go Compare' or 'that annoying Graham Taylor ad' but they let us down. I wouldn't be surprised if they did it deliberately........it's that Chiles fella......bloody liability he is. This wasn't 'The One Show' .......this is ITV, it's meant to be shambolic!. If I wanted seamless transmissions I'd watch the BBC.''

A spokesman for ITV sport said ''We understand many viewers will be upset at having to watch a boring World Cup Final with no impromptu advert breaks, all we can do is apologise and say it will never happen again!. Normal service will resume when the Champions League starts in September, and we are training extra staff the skills needed to mess up broadcasts and miss vital goals....once again we are very sorry, and we hope nobody suffered too much at having to watch the entire final!?''

Maradona tries to convince authorities he's the German coach

Unstable Argentinian manager Diego Armando Maradona (above) caused major disruption at Germany's training camp yesterday ahead of their World Cup Semi-Final against Spain, by claiming HE was the German coach, not Joachim Loew!

The confused ex gun wielding maniac turned up at the training ground entrance in various pieces of disguise. Security guard Abedi Sulemedy was on duty in Durban and he tells the story.

''This crazy guy turns up wearing a tight fitting German football and carrying a packet of frankfurters, so I asked if I could help him?.....I thought he may have escaped from the local institute!?........he said that he was here to coach his team to the World Cup victory, so I asked him who his team was?, ''The mighty Germania'' he tells me!.

Then I realised who it was, it was Diego Maradona!....I couldn't believe it. He's one of my favorite players of all time!

So I told him he is Argentina's manager, and that Germany beat them 4-0 in the Quarter Finals!

''If I'm Argentinian like you claim, then why am I here with the national food of Germany..... in my German dress and speaking with this authentic German accent!?'' he replied

I told him, he was clearly putting the accent on, he was doing more of a 'Allo-Allo' style, French accent to be honest.''

After 2 hours of trying to convince staff to let him in, and an unsuccessful attempt at squeezing through a tiny hole in the perimeter fence, Maradona gave up and later spoke to Sports In Shorts of the affair.

''On Saturday night, after the game with Germany, my old friend GOD contacted me....I haven't heard from that guy since 1986!. Anyway, he tells me that he wants ME to win the World Cup and he made a terrible mistake by letting Germany win the game. He promised to make it up to me by letting me become the German manager...only I must promise not to tell anyone! mainly cos of all the fuss it caused when he wanted me to beat England back in the day.

All was going well, I dug my old shirt out I got from Andreas Bremhe, I bought a packet of Frankfurters, and I adopted the alter ego of 'Diego The German'....whats more German than that..right!?.

Sadly the authorities didn't want to take MY or GOD's word for it, so I had to think 'outside the box'.''

Maradona is already back in Buenos Aires about to start work on his new Cop Drama Series 'Diego & Lacey'.....the long awaited 'spin off' from the popular 80's show Cagney & Lacey.

Excellent England return to heroes welcome!

The heroic underdogs of England's spirited World Cup campaign will return today to Heathrow Airport to a reception of thousands of well wishers and fans.

The plucky team managed to avoid embarrassment yesterday playing the football powerhouse of Germany by keeping the score down to a close run 4-1 defeat!.

Once described as ''pointless fuckwits!'' by manager Fabio Capello, the team rallied round and made the German team look only fractionally better than them.

Ex England manager Graham Taylor watched the game from a cul de sac in Lincolnshire.

''OK, I suppose some so called England fans will be disappointed, but when you see your team play like they did today (yesterday) you can only be proud. To keep THAT German team down to only 4 goals was an astonishing piece of goal prevention, the likes we haven't seen since Carlton Palmer used to parade around the England midfield like a cheap suit.''

Many fans feared the worst when England were paired with Germany in the last 16, but Capello spoke of how he got the best out of his 'low fi' players.

''When you are a that much of an under-doggy, what have you a got to lose!?. You just have to put your eyes on the German team sheet list and it is house hold names all the way a down. Compared to our list where, to be honest if I can for a momento...even I do not recognise the names!......I didn't even realise Joey Coley was our player until I played FIFA World Cup on my Playstation computer.

I just said to my boys, no one knows who you are, go and tell them who you are...Introduce yourself to the football world.....do it for Gary Neville!'.''

'Rebel' Lawrenson refuses to wear traditional BBC pundit clothes!

Mark Lawrenson the strangely haired BBC pundit caused mild controversy last night by refusing to wear the 'stock' grey shirt/black trouser combo which is expected to be worn by all pundits.

The campish ex Republic Of Ireland defender (pictured above) turned up at the BBC's temporary studio in the foothills of Table Mountain near Cape Town, sporting some items from his own wardrobe, a gold and black sequined sparkly top, light blue pantaloons and knee high black cowboy boots finished with a pink cowboy hat.

This did not go down well with some viewers. A disgruntled Roy Miller from Basildon said

''I switched on the BBC to watch a nice bit of bland inoffensive punditry to go with the Denmark Japan game, then they cut to Lawro and he's wearing that get up, I ask you a PINK cowboy hat???...PINK!.....everyone knows you should never wear pink with gold....they'll clash.

I expect this from Southgate on ITV but not on the BBC, they should know better!.''

Defending his clothes, Lawrenson described the outfit as 'playful yet practical', 'fun and breezy' and 'John Barrowman meets Sex in the City'.

Defoe forgets if he's a Tottenham or a Portsmouth player!?

England goal hero Jermain Defoe has admitted in a post match interview that he's forgotten if he plays club football for Tottenham Hotspur or Portsmouth.

The 'petite' striker who is exactly half the size of team mate Peter Crouch (fact fans) let this slip during an interview with ITV's Gabriel Clarke.

''Its great to get our campaign off to a non drawing start and to know everyone back home is now going way over the top with praise for us is music to our ears. The team played well and I'm so glad to get the goal cos that's what I'm in the team for!, its what I do day in day out at Portsmouth.....no......Tottenham, hang on....who do I play for?. The managers that fella that looks like a hound dog (Harry Redknapp)....its one of them definitely. Shit, that's embarrassing.....hang on Crouchy will know, 'Crouchy who do we play for?'

''England!'' replied the 'rake like plane botherer' whilst performing his celebratory robot dance

''Na, I know that,...... I mean back home, did you come with me to Spurs?''

''Yeah Little J, we play for Spurs.....or Portsmouth, one of them!.''

Since last night Defoe has completed a transfer to Portsmouth who have since sold him on to Tottenham Hotspur. Harry Redknapp is said to be ecstatic with both his new signings.

FIFA to introduce new emergency rule changes to make games less exciting!

Sepp Blatter (pictured above after being asked 'using your hands how mental do you think you are?') and his faithful life partner Michel Platini have passed two 'emergency rule changes' to help make the World Cup less exciting to watch.

The measures set to be implemented are to scrap the new Jabulani football, which has been widely criticised as being 'too kick able' and 'round' by many who have used and seen it in action.

This would be replaced by a scaled down version of it, about the same size as a golf ball, which will be camouflaged to make it less visable.

The other 'major' change which FIFA have been championing since it worked successfully at Euro 2004, will be to grant 'automatic qualification' from the group stages of the World Cup for any team who manages to keep the score at 0-0. This is thought to be favoring the 'flair' defensive teams like Greece and Switzerland which Blatter is known to love.

Switzerland were the first team at this World Cup to successfully put their opponents to sleep, before 'creeping' up to the other end and scoring a winner against Spain. Luckily, Spain managed to wake up in time to beat their next opponents Honduras whilst Switzerland played Chile who had taken the precaution of 'drinking an industrial amount of Red Bull' to stave off the 'coma inducing' tactics employed by the Swiss.

Speaking from his hospital bed following the opening ceremony debacle, Blatter spoke to Sports In Shorts.

''Oh, the rule changes, yes, good don't you think!?. To be honest I had to do something, all there is to do here is watch 'Loose Women' and 'Sex and The City' on DVD video tape!, it can get abit Greece...if you know what I mean!?.

Nobody wants to watch players like the Lionel Messi with his lovely feet movements, if you let him loose he scores the goals, scoring goals is so 1970, come on girlfriend....it's the 90's...it's all about the defensive tactics baby.....am I right?....eh?.

The golf ball idea was Michel's, I wanted to make the ball rectangle or triangle shaped, but the initial tests made the game too much like Rugby.''

Capello blasts world cup ball as ''Worst for 4 years!''

England's furrow browed head coach Fabio Capello (above) has blasted world cup organisers for using the ''worse ball for 4 years'' at the tournament currently being played in South Africa.

The erratically calm Italian said ''This round ball is easily the worst World Cup football I have ever seen for 4 years, maybe more or maybe less but one thing for sure is its not the same I think. The problem is FIFA sticking their busy fingers into a pie that doesn't need tampering with. If nothing needs changing then why tamper with the thing that doesn't need changing. If a baby doesn't need changing, you wouldn't change it's nappy pants would you?. A football is the same....only different ......but always the same.''

The criticism comes after goalkeeper Robert Green spilled a long distance shot from Clint Dempsey in England's opening 1-1 draw with USA and then struggled to have a kick of the ball in the disappointing 0-0 draw with Algeria.

''For me it was not entirely unexpectiated, because after training at the canteen, Greeny spilled a banana when reaching for the fruit, and for this I blame the new design of bananas in the recent times. It was not Roberto 's fault....even though I do blame him. This is why I picked the David James instead to play the position of the keeper goal. The ball is also to blame, Wayne Rooney should have had a go at the ball not the fans.''

Blatter gets carried away at opening ceremony and 'puts back out' doing backflip

FIFA president Sepp Blatter by his own admission, 'got carried away' at the opening ceremony of the 2010 World Cup tournament.

He took to the microphone to declare the tournament open, then in an extraordinary move started singing and dancing (pictured above) and encouraged the crowd to do the same.

''Maybe I shouldn't have launched into an acoustic version of Lady GaGa's Bad Romance, but you live and learn don't you'' said Blatter from his hospital bed.

He then linked seamlessly into Poker Face, before doing a medley of Shakira's hits, as the stadiums capacity crowd looked on in bewilderment, before doing a 'spur of the moment' dance routine which resulted in an ambitious back flip spurred on by his sidekick/personal assistant Michel Platini.

''Yes, yes, the back flip was a stupid idea, but it was sunny, I'd had a few beers, Michel was encouraging me....I got caught up in the atmosphere what can I say.....Bafana Bafana Shakira Shakira''.

By attempting the back flip, Blatter sustained a back injury which could keep him off the dance floors of South Africa until at least July 3rd.

Crouch tells teammates ''Stop complaining, I always train at altitude!''

Extreme vertical England striker Peter Crouch (pictured above playing at 33'000ft), has told his world cup team mates to stop complaining about having to train at altitude, as its something he's had to do all his life.

England have been based in the mountains to get used to the high altitude, as their first game with USA in Rustenburg is being played at 1500m.

Peter Crouch Fact #1: Crouch when fully erect is as high as 2 Aaron Lennons, The Eiffel Tower and the Czech forward Jan Koller added together!!.

Crouch said ''So now they all know how I feel!, they want to stop complaining about training up here, I've had to do it for years.''

Peter Crouch Fact #2: He actually shows up on radar and was once talked into a seat by Air Traffic control.

African players suddenly get far too over-expectant!

One of African footballs biggest names and John Pantsil both had sudden bouts of insanity yesterday when they both simultaneously predicted semi final places were within the grasp of both Nigeria and Ghana!?!.

The move which led many experts and Mark Lawrenson to claim that the players were obviously feeling the pressure of the tournament coming to the Continent for the first time.

Lawrenson speaking to Sports In Shorts said ''First of all you've got that fella with the long legs .....Kanu claiming Nigeria could make the semi finals!, I mean, he's clearly going a bit David Icke....Ok, so it could happen but I could win best new recording artist at the Grammy's, its not gonna happen is it!.
Then theres John Pansil, saying Ghana have a chance of reaching the semi finals, I don't want to be rude but theres more chance of Mick McCarthy being in a good mood than that happening.''

Kim Jong-il warns North Korea not to come back without World Cup Trophy

North Korea's miniature fruitcake, leader Kim Jong-il (pictured above after winning 'North Korea's Next Top Model') has warned his specially selected squad of footballers not to return to Pyongyang without the World Cup trophy!.

The pint sized lunatic was speaking on his chat show 'A Little Bit Of Kim Jong-il'.

''If my expert squad fail to win the trophy then I will not accept this, and will expect them to face the consequences or at least steal the trophy from whichever evil land of 'non dog eaters' who do win it. If they do not do this as I wish, they know what will happen!'' he said as he mimicked a knife cutting his neck.

The deluded leader then went on say that if he was playing in the World Cup they'd ''definitely win the tournament'', but sadly due to filming commitments on his latest feature film 'Kim Jong Over The Cuckoo's Nest' he wouldn't be able to play, but even not being in South Africa he would probably end up being '' the top scorer and best player in the world''.

A renowned imaginary athlete and make believe sportsman, Kim Jong claimed that on his first ever round of golf he scored 3 hole in ones!. A massive feat in itself but it was on his 67th birthday when he did it. This was only witnessed by one person, Dong Yi Lui who was working as Kim Jong's caddy at the time. Dong disappeared after he told national newspaper The Daily Oppressor ''Of course it never happened, he was rubbish....he kept missing the ball and claiming ''that's what I wanted to do!, now throw the ball down that grassy area for me to try again!''.

When questioned over whether or not he had ordered Dong's execution, the highly strung munchkin judge of 'North Korea's Got Talent' said ''That's mental, he was obviously as nutty as a cheesecake!.....now, have I ever told you about the time I landed a spaceship on the moon with no prior training!!''

To help his team become World Champions Kim Jong-il has flown his personal chef to South Africa to feed the squad with popular North Korean delicacies such as Rice and Poodles, Sausage Dog Rolls and German Shepherds Pie.

Socceraid game only official function where Jonathan Wilkes can be called 'celebrity'

Last night saw the annual Socceraid football match to raise money for the victims of the Haiti earthquake. The game at Old Trafford brought together many great players of the past and Jamie Redknapp as well as some celebrities and Jonathan Wilkes.

The game was organised by part time overweight karaoke singer Robbie Williams (pictured above during a brief 'non smug' period), who spoke of the good that the game would bring to some of the worst affected areas of Haiti.

''There are some places in Haiti that haven't even got a radio, let alone an i-pod to listen to me on.....can you believe that....imagine what it must be like not to be able to hear my music!'' said the self righteous Port Vale supporter. ''I plan not to stop raising money until every home in Haiti is back to normal, then the least they could do to repay me is to buy my new album 'The Dick is back In Town'....''.

One of the victims of the earthquake, Oscar Cardozo, who lost his home in the disaster, was flown over to enjoy the match and appeared on ITV with Robbie Williams in the studio with presenter Dermot O'Leary before the game.

Williams said ''Honestly Dermot, people like this little fella here, a little homeless fella like Oscar have lost everything. I mean its bad enough to lose your home......... but your entire record collection....nightmare scenario.....unless you had Gary Barlow's solo album 'Open Road'....eh Oscar..haha'' he chuckled as he gave Cardozo a playful punch.

''But seriously Dermie, I plan not to rest until Oscar here and all his compatriots all have at the very least a CD player to hear me on!.....that's a promise''.

''Wow, that's great news there from the Robster, eh Oscar!?'' said O'Leary enthusiastically

''I told mister Robbie he really really didn't have to do that, we'd rather he didn't!!'' pleaded the Haitian.

The match itself ended 2-2, leading to a penalty shootout which The Rest Of The World team won 8-7. The scorer of the winning penalty then surprisingly earned an call up to his country's World Cup squad!.

The player in question was star of Kingpin Woody Harrelson, who only played 7 minutes of the second half and immediately got drafted into the USA squad by manager Bob Bradley, who claimed ''He's easily the best player I've seen since Sly Stallone.'' The ex Cheers buffoon scored the winning penalty despite having to be told where the penalty spot was, slotting the ball past the England keeper Jamie Theakston, who had previously saved 4 penalties......all by accident.

Robbie Williams summed up the evenings entertainment. ''Its just great to get some charity publicity for the charity and for me. I mean where else could you get Zidane, Ryan Giggs, Mike Myers, Woody Harrelson and a tramp to play football together''.

''A tramp? wheres the tramp Robbie?'' asked O'Leary

''That fella in the hat!'' replied the singer

''That's Ricky Hatton!'' claimed the X factor presenter

''Is it?, the one who's been tucking into the sausage rolls all day?....I thought he was a homeless''

The England teams manager Harry 'the tax evader' Redknapp spoke to Sports In Shorts after the game.

''Ok, so it wasn't a great game but at least Olly Murs has found something he's good at, and by missing his penalty Paddy McGuiness has finally done something funny on telly!''. Said the hound faced Spurs manager before he had to go, as he needed fly to South Africa to sign constant transfer target Jermain Defoe, whom he hasn't yet signed in this transfer window.

Fabregas to play in World Cup ''with broken everything'' says Spanish doctor

Would be Barcelona bench sitter Cesc Fabregas (pictured above playing in his usual position of injured) has been selected for Spain's World Cup squad despite being diagnosed with having ''a broken everything!'' by Spanish team doctor Emilio Santiago.

''I have never seen a player with as many injuries!?'' said Santiago at yesterdays Spanish team press conference just before the squad jetted off to Cape Town.

''He's got at least 2 broken legs that we know of, a disintegrated achilles, an unsatisfied ankle, malicious knee trouble and a lazy left foot......he's just got a broken everything!''.

Despite having nearly every major injury a footballer dreads, he has still been selected because manager Luis Aragones only other option of cover was Marcos Senna of Villareal, a player he has never forgiven for being black!.

Aragones told the Spanish press ''He (Fabregas) may be injured but at least with him you know what you're gonna get......a younger less greasy version of Peter Andre!!....but still the voice of an angel..........and he's not black''.

Arsenal yesterday turned down a reported offer from Barcelona of £35 million for Fabregas, which Arsene Wenger commented on from his Miami hotel where he is currently supporting The Pussycat Dolls on their North American tour.

''We have no intention of selling Le Cesc, I hope Barcelona stop flirting with him like he is a cheap suit. There is no way I want £35 million to spend in the summer...I'd be forced to buy somebody decent!....now, if you excuse me, I must go work on my set list.''

Capello selects 'Owen Goal' as 4th striker

Wrinkled Italian Fabio Capello (pictured above waving goodbye to Theo Walcott) has shocked the football world by selecting a striker that by his own admission he ''knows little about''.

The player in question is Chesham United forward Owen Goal, who is said to be ''delighted but not surprised'' at his inclusion in the World Cup squad and was also quick to rubbish reports that the only reason he had been selected was because his name sounds a little bit like Own goal, a player who has served Capello well in his reign as England head coach.

''To be honest, I think my call up has come 4 years too late, in 2006 I had a cracking season scoring 14 goals but Sven overlooked me back then. I'm just glad to be going to a World Cup!'' said the confident Ryman league player yesterday, following the announcement.

When questioned over the rumours circulating that his call up had just been an admin error, Goal said ''Naa mate, 9 goals in the Ryman League speaks for itself. He (Capello) isn't daft, he knows a prolific striker when he sees one and he's seen me and he obviously likes what he sees!''

After a few moments hesitation he concluded ''Ok, so he hasn't seen me playing that often this season but I bet he's heard good things from me mates down the Fox and Goose!''.

Speaking inconclusively to Sports In Shorts Capello talked about the surprise selection.

''I was very impressed with Own Goal, the way he took his 2 goals against Japan was very impressive. He reminded me of a young Toto Schillaci.''

Shortly after this, Capello was told that he had selected Chesham's Goal, and he reacted by saying.

''Oh fiddle the sticks, I'm always doing this!. I am such a buttery fingers eh!?. I told my secretary to always check my spelling. Its my handywriting, its very messy you see!. This wouldn't have happened if the F and A would have brought me that Laptop computer I saw for sale at Makro.....£256 plus VAT, you cannot beat that price!. I knew it would pay for itself!''

Goal has been installed as the bookmakers favorite to finish as England's top scorer in the tournament.

Commentators dealt a blow as player with funny name not selected!

French defender Rod Fanni (above) has not been selected by their eccentric manager Raymond Domenech for their World Cup squad. This move has upset many commentators from every English speaking country attending the upcoming tournament who saw the Stade Rennes defenders name as mildly amusing and easy to make a pun about.

''You need players with names like his in tournaments. Commentating may sound interesting and sexy but the reality is you have to spend a lot of time with Mick McCarthy, which can drag you down after a while!. You need funny names to keep you interested.'' commented BBC's Steve Wilson.

He went on to say ''I'm gutted he's not going because I've got loads of fanny related gags and puns which I wanted to use. Like Fanni licked for pace or he really put it up Fanni or Fanni was open wide and willing to receive!. So now I've got to get the squad lists out and see where the other funny names are......theres gotta be a South Korean eh!?.....its a pity Jamaica aren't here, they have a player called Ivor Hardon.''

Wilson's BBC colleague John Motson also spoke on the subject. ''Incidentally, he would have been the first player called Fanni to have played in the FIFA World Cup and everybody knows there are at least a couple of dicks in the England squad!.''

Sports In Shorts goes World Cup Mental

Popular sports blog Sports In Shorts will be going World Cup mental for the duration of this summers tournament.

We will be bringing you exclusive news from now until the final game from all the major teams and France as well.

Our team of sarcastic football writers (Corey Lavender and DC if he can remember his log on) have been sent off to bring you the news that should not be used as fact to impress your mates!.
So tune in to this frequency on a regular basis or to our sister blog Sports In Shorts HD for as much World Cup news that you could possibly ever need!.