City's Cook in Real Life 'Brewsters Millions' situation

It has emerged that the the reason for Manchester City's unbelievably bad spending spree over the last couple of years is down to a playful clause placed in chief executive Garry Cook's contract.

Cook (pictured left when he signed Mark Hughes as manager, shortly before sacking Mark Hughes as manager) signed a contract at Eastlands in 2007 including a never before heard of clause that he should try and waste £850 million pounds over the next 3 years leaving him with no footballing assets!?, which should he achieve he would then qualify for a payment of £100 billion which he would receive in vouchers and be able to spend at all branches of Dorothy Perkins in the Manchester area.

The amazing challenge is surprisingly similar to the storyline of the 1985 Richard Pryor film 'Brewsters Millions' which is known to be the favorite film of owner Sheikh Mansour Bin Zayed Al Nahyan (which incidentally means 'More money than sense' in Arabic).

The film centres on the idea that an aging Minor league Baseball player is left £300 million in a relatives will but only if he can spend £30 million in 30 days and have nothing to show for it!.

Fan Brian Hewlet-Packard from Chapel en the Frith said ''I'm not surprised to be honest, I mean how else can you explain signing players like Lescott, Bridge, Zabaleta, Boateng, Jo, Benjani, Garrido, Bojinov, both Toure's, Santa Cruz, De Jong, Kompany, Bellamy, Wright-Phillips, Adebayor and Petrov!......pointless..... Just think, if we'd have saved the squad we had and spent all that cash on some quality players we might have been the 4th best team in the Premier League!?!....doubtful but you never know.''

Man City sign another player no ones ever heard of!

Premier League spendthrifts Manchester City have once again wasted another shitload of money by promising Lazio £19million for their never before heard of Serbian leftback Aleksander Kolarov (not pictured above due to no one knowing who he is).

This latest mystery signing is in addition to Jerome Boateng joining from Hamburg, David Silva leaving his self respect in Valencia and Mario Balotelli's agent pushing for more than Comic Relief could raise in a decade.

Manager Roberto Mancini was asked at a press conference in New York about his latest defensive signing.

''I won't lie to you, I've never heard of him either, but when the papers started saying Liverpool and some other clubs were interested in him, we thought we ought to ruin his career like we did Roque Santa Cruz's.''

He was then asked about the other signings his club had made this summer.

''Jerome Boateng I am told already has a brother who plays in the Premiership, I think his name is Cameron, and David Silva played a minute in the World Cup so he must be alright!?.''

He ended the questioning by suggesting what he might do with the other 5 left backs he has in his squad

''My cars need washing so there won't be a lack of opportunity to impress me, I dunno.........Suppose we could maybe sell one to Liverpool or something...I don't know, I'm only thinking off the top??......all I know is I can't stop spending.......I can't tell you why yet but you will find out soon.....I promise!!.''

He then left the Press Conference looking as if he had said something he shouldn't have. This story will run.

Shares slump as Robbie stays put!

Shares on the London Stock Exchange fell sharply yesterday after the UK’s leading removal firm issued a profits warning statement for 2010.

At a hastily arranged press conference the company’s Chief Finance Officer explained that the their UK business plan had relied heavily upon the annual summer transfer of the Tottenham Hotspur and Republic of Ireland striker, Robbie Keane (pictured above with siblings Roy and Diane). ‘As a move for the former Wolves, Coventry, Inter Milan, Leeds United, Liverpool and Celtic man had so far not materialised during the close season, it is only right for our shareholders and institutional investors to be warned of the potential impact’ he added.

Mr Shifter, Chairman of the British Association of Removers, talking exclusively to the Sports in Shorts, explained that…‘ The last decade has been a golden age for the UK removal industry with the high turnover of footballers changing clubs each year. This year the big clubs are really strapped for cash and this is having a direct impact on the volume of trade for our members. We’ve not seen a downturn like this since BBC Pundit and journeyman professional, Steve ‘I’ve got more clubs than Jack Nicklaus’ Claridge hung up his boots!’

Mr Shifter denied reports that his organisation was trying to kick-start the football transfer market by showering a number of high-profile premier league managers with expensive gifts and lavish corporate hospitality. However, this was at odds with footage from our reporter’s secret camera, which caught the former PG Tips executive discretely stuffing cash into two large brown envelopes...addressed to a Mr Mancini.

Where the ****ing hell are you?

Football clubs in Scotland have voted unanimously at their AGM to rename perennial Division 3 underachievers Albion Rovers. Problems arose last season at a number of fixtures involving the Coatbridge based club because away fans and club officials could not find the club’s Cliftonhill stadium, leading to numerous late kick-offs.

The situation came to a head last week when Arbroath failed to turn-up for a Tennants Premium Strength Cup tie, arriving instead at The Hawthorns for a pre-season friendly between West Bromwich Albion and Blackburn Rovers. Celebrity ‘Throstles’ fans Adrian Chiles and Frank Skinner looked on in disbelief as the assorted part-time professionals (10 trawlermen and a car park attendant) from the ‘smoked kipper’ capital of the world played the premier league outfits off the park in a hastily arranged three-way round-robin tournament.

The Arbroath bus driver explained to our Sports in Shorts reporter that there had been a problem with his satellite navigation system. Roughly translated into English, he said...‘Look Jimmy, all I did was put ‘Albion Rovers’ in the sat-nav ‘n’ follow the directions from the posh speaking bird. How the **** am I supposed to know where Albion Rovers is? They ought to have a proper name like Queen of the South, St Mirren or somethin’…

Officials from Albion Rovers are likely to appeal against the SFA decision and have strongly defended the clubs generic name, the origins of which are only known to the veteran BBC Scotland football reporter, Archie McPherson. When the time comes McPherson has promised to pass the secret down to his more famous broadcasting daughter, Hazel Irvine.

Football historians speculate that the club’s founders could not agree on a name, so, as a bit of fun, picked the names of other football club endings out of a hat. Before settling on the name Albion Rovers a number of alternatives were apparently rejected. These included County Town, Forest Rangers, North End Villa, Wednesday Nil and - because it clashed with the name of Coatbridge's premier Chinese take-away - Orient City!

ITV's promise of 'broadcast error' fails as millions subjected to dour final!

ITV chiefs have apologised for an internal error which led to the entire World Cup final between Spain and The Netherlands being shown with no broadcast problems at all!

The channel which is prone to mistakenly cutting to advert breaks just as something of interest is about to happen in a game of football, went the whole 90 minutes and a further 30 minutes of extra time without once missing any of the action!?. This has upset regular viewers.

Dave Gantree of Grantham, Lincolnshire said ''When we really needed ITV to save us from the dross being played last night, they didn't deliver!. I would have killed to have seen a 'Go Compare' or 'that annoying Graham Taylor ad' but they let us down. I wouldn't be surprised if they did it deliberately........it's that Chiles fella......bloody liability he is. This wasn't 'The One Show' .......this is ITV, it's meant to be shambolic!. If I wanted seamless transmissions I'd watch the BBC.''

A spokesman for ITV sport said ''We understand many viewers will be upset at having to watch a boring World Cup Final with no impromptu advert breaks, all we can do is apologise and say it will never happen again!. Normal service will resume when the Champions League starts in September, and we are training extra staff the skills needed to mess up broadcasts and miss vital goals....once again we are very sorry, and we hope nobody suffered too much at having to watch the entire final!?''

Maradona tries to convince authorities he's the German coach

Unstable Argentinian manager Diego Armando Maradona (above) caused major disruption at Germany's training camp yesterday ahead of their World Cup Semi-Final against Spain, by claiming HE was the German coach, not Joachim Loew!

The confused ex gun wielding maniac turned up at the training ground entrance in various pieces of disguise. Security guard Abedi Sulemedy was on duty in Durban and he tells the story.

''This crazy guy turns up wearing a tight fitting German football and carrying a packet of frankfurters, so I asked if I could help him?.....I thought he may have escaped from the local institute!?........he said that he was here to coach his team to the World Cup victory, so I asked him who his team was?, ''The mighty Germania'' he tells me!.

Then I realised who it was, it was Diego Maradona!....I couldn't believe it. He's one of my favorite players of all time!

So I told him he is Argentina's manager, and that Germany beat them 4-0 in the Quarter Finals!

''If I'm Argentinian like you claim, then why am I here with the national food of Germany..... in my German dress and speaking with this authentic German accent!?'' he replied

I told him, he was clearly putting the accent on, he was doing more of a 'Allo-Allo' style, French accent to be honest.''

After 2 hours of trying to convince staff to let him in, and an unsuccessful attempt at squeezing through a tiny hole in the perimeter fence, Maradona gave up and later spoke to Sports In Shorts of the affair.

''On Saturday night, after the game with Germany, my old friend GOD contacted me....I haven't heard from that guy since 1986!. Anyway, he tells me that he wants ME to win the World Cup and he made a terrible mistake by letting Germany win the game. He promised to make it up to me by letting me become the German manager...only I must promise not to tell anyone! mainly cos of all the fuss it caused when he wanted me to beat England back in the day.

All was going well, I dug my old shirt out I got from Andreas Bremhe, I bought a packet of Frankfurters, and I adopted the alter ego of 'Diego The German'....whats more German than that..right!?.

Sadly the authorities didn't want to take MY or GOD's word for it, so I had to think 'outside the box'.''

Maradona is already back in Buenos Aires about to start work on his new Cop Drama Series 'Diego & Lacey'.....the long awaited 'spin off' from the popular 80's show Cagney & Lacey.

Excellent England return to heroes welcome!

The heroic underdogs of England's spirited World Cup campaign will return today to Heathrow Airport to a reception of thousands of well wishers and fans.

The plucky team managed to avoid embarrassment yesterday playing the football powerhouse of Germany by keeping the score down to a close run 4-1 defeat!.

Once described as ''pointless fuckwits!'' by manager Fabio Capello, the team rallied round and made the German team look only fractionally better than them.

Ex England manager Graham Taylor watched the game from a cul de sac in Lincolnshire.

''OK, I suppose some so called England fans will be disappointed, but when you see your team play like they did today (yesterday) you can only be proud. To keep THAT German team down to only 4 goals was an astonishing piece of goal prevention, the likes we haven't seen since Carlton Palmer used to parade around the England midfield like a cheap suit.''

Many fans feared the worst when England were paired with Germany in the last 16, but Capello spoke of how he got the best out of his 'low fi' players.

''When you are a that much of an under-doggy, what have you a got to lose!?. You just have to put your eyes on the German team sheet list and it is house hold names all the way a down. Compared to our list where, to be honest if I can for a momento...even I do not recognise the names!......I didn't even realise Joey Coley was our player until I played FIFA World Cup on my Playstation computer.

I just said to my boys, no one knows who you are, go and tell them who you are...Introduce yourself to the football world.....do it for Gary Neville!'.''

'Rebel' Lawrenson refuses to wear traditional BBC pundit clothes!

Mark Lawrenson the strangely haired BBC pundit caused mild controversy last night by refusing to wear the 'stock' grey shirt/black trouser combo which is expected to be worn by all pundits.

The campish ex Republic Of Ireland defender (pictured above) turned up at the BBC's temporary studio in the foothills of Table Mountain near Cape Town, sporting some items from his own wardrobe, a gold and black sequined sparkly top, light blue pantaloons and knee high black cowboy boots finished with a pink cowboy hat.

This did not go down well with some viewers. A disgruntled Roy Miller from Basildon said

''I switched on the BBC to watch a nice bit of bland inoffensive punditry to go with the Denmark Japan game, then they cut to Lawro and he's wearing that get up, I ask you a PINK cowboy hat???...PINK!.....everyone knows you should never wear pink with gold....they'll clash.

I expect this from Southgate on ITV but not on the BBC, they should know better!.''

Defending his clothes, Lawrenson described the outfit as 'playful yet practical', 'fun and breezy' and 'John Barrowman meets Sex in the City'.

Defoe forgets if he's a Tottenham or a Portsmouth player!?

England goal hero Jermain Defoe has admitted in a post match interview that he's forgotten if he plays club football for Tottenham Hotspur or Portsmouth.

The 'petite' striker who is exactly half the size of team mate Peter Crouch (fact fans) let this slip during an interview with ITV's Gabriel Clarke.

''Its great to get our campaign off to a non drawing start and to know everyone back home is now going way over the top with praise for us is music to our ears. The team played well and I'm so glad to get the goal cos that's what I'm in the team for!, its what I do day in day out at Portsmouth.....no......Tottenham, hang on....who do I play for?. The managers that fella that looks like a hound dog (Harry Redknapp)....its one of them definitely. Shit, that's embarrassing.....hang on Crouchy will know, 'Crouchy who do we play for?'

''England!'' replied the 'rake like plane botherer' whilst performing his celebratory robot dance

''Na, I know that,...... I mean back home, did you come with me to Spurs?''

''Yeah Little J, we play for Spurs.....or Portsmouth, one of them!.''

Since last night Defoe has completed a transfer to Portsmouth who have since sold him on to Tottenham Hotspur. Harry Redknapp is said to be ecstatic with both his new signings.

FIFA to introduce new emergency rule changes to make games less exciting!

Sepp Blatter (pictured above after being asked 'using your hands how mental do you think you are?') and his faithful life partner Michel Platini have passed two 'emergency rule changes' to help make the World Cup less exciting to watch.

The measures set to be implemented are to scrap the new Jabulani football, which has been widely criticised as being 'too kick able' and 'round' by many who have used and seen it in action.

This would be replaced by a scaled down version of it, about the same size as a golf ball, which will be camouflaged to make it less visable.

The other 'major' change which FIFA have been championing since it worked successfully at Euro 2004, will be to grant 'automatic qualification' from the group stages of the World Cup for any team who manages to keep the score at 0-0. This is thought to be favoring the 'flair' defensive teams like Greece and Switzerland which Blatter is known to love.

Switzerland were the first team at this World Cup to successfully put their opponents to sleep, before 'creeping' up to the other end and scoring a winner against Spain. Luckily, Spain managed to wake up in time to beat their next opponents Honduras whilst Switzerland played Chile who had taken the precaution of 'drinking an industrial amount of Red Bull' to stave off the 'coma inducing' tactics employed by the Swiss.

Speaking from his hospital bed following the opening ceremony debacle, Blatter spoke to Sports In Shorts.

''Oh, the rule changes, yes, good don't you think!?. To be honest I had to do something, all there is to do here is watch 'Loose Women' and 'Sex and The City' on DVD video tape!, it can get abit Greece...if you know what I mean!?.

Nobody wants to watch players like the Lionel Messi with his lovely feet movements, if you let him loose he scores the goals, scoring goals is so 1970, come on girlfriend....it's the 90's...it's all about the defensive tactics baby.....am I right?....eh?.

The golf ball idea was Michel's, I wanted to make the ball rectangle or triangle shaped, but the initial tests made the game too much like Rugby.''

Capello blasts world cup ball as ''Worst for 4 years!''

England's furrow browed head coach Fabio Capello (above) has blasted world cup organisers for using the ''worse ball for 4 years'' at the tournament currently being played in South Africa.

The erratically calm Italian said ''This round ball is easily the worst World Cup football I have ever seen for 4 years, maybe more or maybe less but one thing for sure is its not the same I think. The problem is FIFA sticking their busy fingers into a pie that doesn't need tampering with. If nothing needs changing then why tamper with the thing that doesn't need changing. If a baby doesn't need changing, you wouldn't change it's nappy pants would you?. A football is the same....only different ......but always the same.''

The criticism comes after goalkeeper Robert Green spilled a long distance shot from Clint Dempsey in England's opening 1-1 draw with USA and then struggled to have a kick of the ball in the disappointing 0-0 draw with Algeria.

''For me it was not entirely unexpectiated, because after training at the canteen, Greeny spilled a banana when reaching for the fruit, and for this I blame the new design of bananas in the recent times. It was not Roberto 's fault....even though I do blame him. This is why I picked the David James instead to play the position of the keeper goal. The ball is also to blame, Wayne Rooney should have had a go at the ball not the fans.''

Blatter gets carried away at opening ceremony and 'puts back out' doing backflip

FIFA president Sepp Blatter by his own admission, 'got carried away' at the opening ceremony of the 2010 World Cup tournament.

He took to the microphone to declare the tournament open, then in an extraordinary move started singing and dancing (pictured above) and encouraged the crowd to do the same.

''Maybe I shouldn't have launched into an acoustic version of Lady GaGa's Bad Romance, but you live and learn don't you'' said Blatter from his hospital bed.

He then linked seamlessly into Poker Face, before doing a medley of Shakira's hits, as the stadiums capacity crowd looked on in bewilderment, before doing a 'spur of the moment' dance routine which resulted in an ambitious back flip spurred on by his sidekick/personal assistant Michel Platini.

''Yes, yes, the back flip was a stupid idea, but it was sunny, I'd had a few beers, Michel was encouraging me....I got caught up in the atmosphere what can I say.....Bafana Bafana Shakira Shakira''.

By attempting the back flip, Blatter sustained a back injury which could keep him off the dance floors of South Africa until at least July 3rd.

Crouch tells teammates ''Stop complaining, I always train at altitude!''

Extreme vertical England striker Peter Crouch (pictured above playing at 33'000ft), has told his world cup team mates to stop complaining about having to train at altitude, as its something he's had to do all his life.

England have been based in the mountains to get used to the high altitude, as their first game with USA in Rustenburg is being played at 1500m.

Peter Crouch Fact #1: Crouch when fully erect is as high as 2 Aaron Lennons, The Eiffel Tower and the Czech forward Jan Koller added together!!.

Crouch said ''So now they all know how I feel!, they want to stop complaining about training up here, I've had to do it for years.''

Peter Crouch Fact #2: He actually shows up on radar and was once talked into a seat by Air Traffic control.

African players suddenly get far too over-expectant!

One of African footballs biggest names and John Pantsil both had sudden bouts of insanity yesterday when they both simultaneously predicted semi final places were within the grasp of both Nigeria and Ghana!?!.

The move which led many experts and Mark Lawrenson to claim that the players were obviously feeling the pressure of the tournament coming to the Continent for the first time.

Lawrenson speaking to Sports In Shorts said ''First of all you've got that fella with the long legs .....Kanu claiming Nigeria could make the semi finals!, I mean, he's clearly going a bit David Icke....Ok, so it could happen but I could win best new recording artist at the Grammy's, its not gonna happen is it!.
Then theres John Pansil, saying Ghana have a chance of reaching the semi finals, I don't want to be rude but theres more chance of Mick McCarthy being in a good mood than that happening.''

Kim Jong-il warns North Korea not to come back without World Cup Trophy

North Korea's miniature fruitcake, leader Kim Jong-il (pictured above after winning 'North Korea's Next Top Model') has warned his specially selected squad of footballers not to return to Pyongyang without the World Cup trophy!.

The pint sized lunatic was speaking on his chat show 'A Little Bit Of Kim Jong-il'.

''If my expert squad fail to win the trophy then I will not accept this, and will expect them to face the consequences or at least steal the trophy from whichever evil land of 'non dog eaters' who do win it. If they do not do this as I wish, they know what will happen!'' he said as he mimicked a knife cutting his neck.

The deluded leader then went on say that if he was playing in the World Cup they'd ''definitely win the tournament'', but sadly due to filming commitments on his latest feature film 'Kim Jong Over The Cuckoo's Nest' he wouldn't be able to play, but even not being in South Africa he would probably end up being '' the top scorer and best player in the world''.

A renowned imaginary athlete and make believe sportsman, Kim Jong claimed that on his first ever round of golf he scored 3 hole in ones!. A massive feat in itself but it was on his 67th birthday when he did it. This was only witnessed by one person, Dong Yi Lui who was working as Kim Jong's caddy at the time. Dong disappeared after he told national newspaper The Daily Oppressor ''Of course it never happened, he was rubbish....he kept missing the ball and claiming ''that's what I wanted to do!, now throw the ball down that grassy area for me to try again!''.

When questioned over whether or not he had ordered Dong's execution, the highly strung munchkin judge of 'North Korea's Got Talent' said ''That's mental, he was obviously as nutty as a cheesecake!.....now, have I ever told you about the time I landed a spaceship on the moon with no prior training!!''

To help his team become World Champions Kim Jong-il has flown his personal chef to South Africa to feed the squad with popular North Korean delicacies such as Rice and Poodles, Sausage Dog Rolls and German Shepherds Pie.

Socceraid game only official function where Jonathan Wilkes can be called 'celebrity'

Last night saw the annual Socceraid football match to raise money for the victims of the Haiti earthquake. The game at Old Trafford brought together many great players of the past and Jamie Redknapp as well as some celebrities and Jonathan Wilkes.

The game was organised by part time overweight karaoke singer Robbie Williams (pictured above during a brief 'non smug' period), who spoke of the good that the game would bring to some of the worst affected areas of Haiti.

''There are some places in Haiti that haven't even got a radio, let alone an i-pod to listen to me on.....can you believe that....imagine what it must be like not to be able to hear my music!'' said the self righteous Port Vale supporter. ''I plan not to stop raising money until every home in Haiti is back to normal, then the least they could do to repay me is to buy my new album 'The Dick is back In Town'....''.

One of the victims of the earthquake, Oscar Cardozo, who lost his home in the disaster, was flown over to enjoy the match and appeared on ITV with Robbie Williams in the studio with presenter Dermot O'Leary before the game.

Williams said ''Honestly Dermot, people like this little fella here, a little homeless fella like Oscar have lost everything. I mean its bad enough to lose your home......... but your entire record collection....nightmare scenario.....unless you had Gary Barlow's solo album 'Open Road'....eh Oscar..haha'' he chuckled as he gave Cardozo a playful punch.

''But seriously Dermie, I plan not to rest until Oscar here and all his compatriots all have at the very least a CD player to hear me on!.....that's a promise''.

''Wow, that's great news there from the Robster, eh Oscar!?'' said O'Leary enthusiastically

''I told mister Robbie he really really didn't have to do that, we'd rather he didn't!!'' pleaded the Haitian.

The match itself ended 2-2, leading to a penalty shootout which The Rest Of The World team won 8-7. The scorer of the winning penalty then surprisingly earned an call up to his country's World Cup squad!.

The player in question was star of Kingpin Woody Harrelson, who only played 7 minutes of the second half and immediately got drafted into the USA squad by manager Bob Bradley, who claimed ''He's easily the best player I've seen since Sly Stallone.'' The ex Cheers buffoon scored the winning penalty despite having to be told where the penalty spot was, slotting the ball past the England keeper Jamie Theakston, who had previously saved 4 penalties......all by accident.

Robbie Williams summed up the evenings entertainment. ''Its just great to get some charity publicity for the charity and for me. I mean where else could you get Zidane, Ryan Giggs, Mike Myers, Woody Harrelson and a tramp to play football together''.

''A tramp? wheres the tramp Robbie?'' asked O'Leary

''That fella in the hat!'' replied the singer

''That's Ricky Hatton!'' claimed the X factor presenter

''Is it?, the one who's been tucking into the sausage rolls all day?....I thought he was a homeless''

The England teams manager Harry 'the tax evader' Redknapp spoke to Sports In Shorts after the game.

''Ok, so it wasn't a great game but at least Olly Murs has found something he's good at, and by missing his penalty Paddy McGuiness has finally done something funny on telly!''. Said the hound faced Spurs manager before he had to go, as he needed fly to South Africa to sign constant transfer target Jermain Defoe, whom he hasn't yet signed in this transfer window.

Fabregas to play in World Cup ''with broken everything'' says Spanish doctor

Would be Barcelona bench sitter Cesc Fabregas (pictured above playing in his usual position of injured) has been selected for Spain's World Cup squad despite being diagnosed with having ''a broken everything!'' by Spanish team doctor Emilio Santiago.

''I have never seen a player with as many injuries!?'' said Santiago at yesterdays Spanish team press conference just before the squad jetted off to Cape Town.

''He's got at least 2 broken legs that we know of, a disintegrated achilles, an unsatisfied ankle, malicious knee trouble and a lazy left foot......he's just got a broken everything!''.

Despite having nearly every major injury a footballer dreads, he has still been selected because manager Luis Aragones only other option of cover was Marcos Senna of Villareal, a player he has never forgiven for being black!.

Aragones told the Spanish press ''He (Fabregas) may be injured but at least with him you know what you're gonna get......a younger less greasy version of Peter Andre!!....but still the voice of an angel..........and he's not black''.

Arsenal yesterday turned down a reported offer from Barcelona of £35 million for Fabregas, which Arsene Wenger commented on from his Miami hotel where he is currently supporting The Pussycat Dolls on their North American tour.

''We have no intention of selling Le Cesc, I hope Barcelona stop flirting with him like he is a cheap suit. There is no way I want £35 million to spend in the summer...I'd be forced to buy somebody decent!....now, if you excuse me, I must go work on my set list.''

Capello selects 'Owen Goal' as 4th striker

Wrinkled Italian Fabio Capello (pictured above waving goodbye to Theo Walcott) has shocked the football world by selecting a striker that by his own admission he ''knows little about''.

The player in question is Chesham United forward Owen Goal, who is said to be ''delighted but not surprised'' at his inclusion in the World Cup squad and was also quick to rubbish reports that the only reason he had been selected was because his name sounds a little bit like Own goal, a player who has served Capello well in his reign as England head coach.

''To be honest, I think my call up has come 4 years too late, in 2006 I had a cracking season scoring 14 goals but Sven overlooked me back then. I'm just glad to be going to a World Cup!'' said the confident Ryman league player yesterday, following the announcement.

When questioned over the rumours circulating that his call up had just been an admin error, Goal said ''Naa mate, 9 goals in the Ryman League speaks for itself. He (Capello) isn't daft, he knows a prolific striker when he sees one and he's seen me and he obviously likes what he sees!''

After a few moments hesitation he concluded ''Ok, so he hasn't seen me playing that often this season but I bet he's heard good things from me mates down the Fox and Goose!''.

Speaking inconclusively to Sports In Shorts Capello talked about the surprise selection.

''I was very impressed with Own Goal, the way he took his 2 goals against Japan was very impressive. He reminded me of a young Toto Schillaci.''

Shortly after this, Capello was told that he had selected Chesham's Goal, and he reacted by saying.

''Oh fiddle the sticks, I'm always doing this!. I am such a buttery fingers eh!?. I told my secretary to always check my spelling. Its my handywriting, its very messy you see!. This wouldn't have happened if the F and A would have brought me that Laptop computer I saw for sale at Makro.....£256 plus VAT, you cannot beat that price!. I knew it would pay for itself!''

Goal has been installed as the bookmakers favorite to finish as England's top scorer in the tournament.

Commentators dealt a blow as player with funny name not selected!

French defender Rod Fanni (above) has not been selected by their eccentric manager Raymond Domenech for their World Cup squad. This move has upset many commentators from every English speaking country attending the upcoming tournament who saw the Stade Rennes defenders name as mildly amusing and easy to make a pun about.

''You need players with names like his in tournaments. Commentating may sound interesting and sexy but the reality is you have to spend a lot of time with Mick McCarthy, which can drag you down after a while!. You need funny names to keep you interested.'' commented BBC's Steve Wilson.

He went on to say ''I'm gutted he's not going because I've got loads of fanny related gags and puns which I wanted to use. Like Fanni licked for pace or he really put it up Fanni or Fanni was open wide and willing to receive!. So now I've got to get the squad lists out and see where the other funny names are......theres gotta be a South Korean eh!?.....its a pity Jamaica aren't here, they have a player called Ivor Hardon.''

Wilson's BBC colleague John Motson also spoke on the subject. ''Incidentally, he would have been the first player called Fanni to have played in the FIFA World Cup and everybody knows there are at least a couple of dicks in the England squad!.''

Sports In Shorts goes World Cup Mental

Popular sports blog Sports In Shorts will be going World Cup mental for the duration of this summers tournament.

We will be bringing you exclusive news from now until the final game from all the major teams and France as well.

Our team of sarcastic football writers (Corey Lavender and DC if he can remember his log on) have been sent off to bring you the news that should not be used as fact to impress your mates!.
So tune in to this frequency on a regular basis or to our sister blog Sports In Shorts HD for as much World Cup news that you could possibly ever need!.

Strauss forgets he's England captain!!

Andrew Strauss (pictured above) has admitted in an interview with Sky Sports News that he ''totally forgot he was still England's Test and One Day International captain''.

Strauss decided not to go on the tour of Bangladesh earlier this year, missing 3 One Day Internationals and 2 Test Matches because, by his own admission ''he wanted to catch up with all the 'Deal Or No Deals' he Sky Plussed over the winter!.''

Speaking in March, Strauss said ''Give me a break!, I'm not going to that god forsaken Bangradash place........I can't be bothered, honestly it's just one boring tour after another. I need a break!. I've got a Sky Box full of Deal or No Deals which aren't gonna watch themselves!.''

So with the impending return visit of Bangladesh the selectors asked Strauss who he wanted in his team for the first test starting today (27th May).

Strauss said ''When they asked me who I wanted to pick, I thought......why they asking me? then I figured that I must still be skipper, I think it's with having a break, catching up on a few things and not being good enough at that Twenty20 stuff to get in the squad. I just forgot about the game...then Colly (Paul Collingwood) led England to victory in the World Twenty20 World Cup, I just presumed he'd be the Captain from now on...honestly I'd forget my own bollocks if they weren't attached!.''

Strauss concluded with his thoughts on team selection. ''To be fair, it doesn't matter who we pick to play Bangerladish does it? if we played my mum as wicketkeeper we ought to win!.....na, joking I am, I'm only pulling ya boob mate!. To be honest, I know I forgot I was captain but I do love this job, standing around in the sun all day ordering people about!....its great!....but I leave team selection to people that know about the game.''

Blackpool go into administration within minutes of being in Premier League

Premier League newcomers Blackpool went into administration within 10 minutes of being promoted after winning their Play Off final against Cardiff City at Wembley on Saturday.

The Lancashire outfit announced that due to 'overspending' by the current regime in their brief spell in the top league the club could not maintain the 'huge' wage bill which had built up, cumulating in the decision made at 5.05pm Saturday evening.

Following the final whistle after the 3-2 win over the Welsh team, Ian Holloway by his own admission 'couldn't believe how much money he had to spend' and 'got carried away' by immediately putting a bid in for Barcelona's Lionel Messi. ''I was like a kid in a cheese shop'' the eccentric manager commented.

The Catalan giants were said to be keen on the offer, which was a reported £97 million plus Brett Ormorod, but the move was called off because Ormorod didn't want to move out of Lancashire to Spain, saying ''It's not everyday you get the chance to play for a top team in a top league......which is why I'm staying at Blackpool!.''

Holloway, speaking to Sports In Shorts said ''After the Messi move broke down I got real, and started to concentrate on transfer targets which were more likely to happen, which Is why I launched the highest spending spree in the clubs history, buying Premier League stalwarts Robert Earnshaw for £9 million, Jimmy Bullard for £6 million on £97k a week, and Robbie Keane for £14 million. But my biggest coup of all was the Free signing of Michael Owen from Man U, he's good int he?, well worth the £250k a week I agreed to pay him.''

This spell of reckless spending meant that by 5.04pm the club had overspent next years budget, and the next 4 years parachute payments already, leaving the Board of Directors no choice but to go into administration.

Cardiff City financial fuckwit Peter Ridsdale spoke to Sky Sports after the game, ''To be honest I'm gutted, I've been cooking up a ridiculously stupid piece of overspending the world has never seen before. Well, at least since my time at Leeds, I reckon I could have had Cardiff out of business a good 5 mins before they (Blackpool) were!.....amateurs.''

Holloway added ''To be fair, we've had a great run in the top league, it was good while it lasted, so if we get relegated before we've been promoted then so be it. At least we've got our health eh.''
He ended the interview with another pearl of wisdom. ''As Michael Barrymore once said, there is always someone worse off than yourself....and that person is Portsmouth....I've been Ian Holloway...goodnight''.

Gary Neville says ''I didn't even want to go to South Africa''

Manchester United's anger prone defender Gary Neville (sort of pictured above) has admitted that he didn't even want to go to this summers World Cup tournament in South Africa, so was glad England boss Fabio Capello didn't include him in his provisional 30 man squad.

Capello selected his squad using the newly patented 'Capello Index' which he invented with his mother Dierdre in Turin.

The Index only selected one recognised right back in Glen Johnson with no other player in his position being deemed 'good enough', instead selecting part time right back Jamie Carragher to fill the role in combination with his usual role as 'whinger'.

Neville speaking to Sports In Shorts spoke of his omission.

''I'm probably the best right back in the world, definitely England and without doubt the best in Manchester, but the reason I didn't get picked by Fabio is because I didn't even want to go to South Africa.......in a way. Anyway, me and Phil have booked to go to Drayton Manor in June so I can't even go now even if Mr Stupid Pants Capello wants me to go, we've pre booked our tickets and everything so there!.''

The Capello Index picks players on a number of qualities , which include ability, pace, looks, political persuasion and skill, but it was the controversial category of 'Moustache growing ability' which let Neville down, scoring only 'infant' out of the maximum available score of 'Kevin Webster'.

Bellamy picks fight with Bellamy!

Manchester City bully Craig Bellamy [pictured above chatting to a fan] last night got into a 'war of words' with his great rival and nemesis Craig Bellamy.

The Welsh striker was talking to Sky Sports reporter Andy Burton after Wednesday nights Premier League '4th place showdown' loss to Tottenham Hotspur when he launched an astonishing attack on himself.

''I thought that most of us played really well, but sadly there were a couple of our own players who were shocking tonight Andy.....pardon my Welsh but there were!. The number 39 especially....Bellamy, everyone in the game knows what he's like...so I don't need to say anything, except I'm not shocked by how bad he was tonight even though I said I was shocked earlier....I'm not. As I say, everyone in football knows what Bellamy is like so that's all I'm gonna say.''

Burton then confronted Bellamy about his outburst. ''But Craig,...... you're Bellamy!!, are you saying you had a bad game?.''

''Yes I am, I'm fed up with tip toeing round myself, not telling myself if I'm playing badly. But today I was bad, I'm sorry, I know you shouldn't bad mouth teammates, but I was terrible. everyone in the game knows what I'm like so lets leave it at that.''

In other Manchester City news, 'boss' Roberto Mancini has clung on to a leadership coup fronted by 'panto villain' Garry Cook. Cook the clubs answer to a Chief Executive had been canvassing in the local area and believed he had the 'popular vote' amongst City fans to attempt to topple the current management team. But after he tried storming the residential palace of Mancini late last night, he admitted defeat after a 'mix up with his sat nav' had taken him to the home of elderly bigot Gillian Duffy, who told him exactly what she thought of the clubs middle eastern recruitment policy.

Attendances fall following popularity of 3D football!

Premier league attendances have dramatically fallen in the last month following the rise in the number of 3D televised matches.

Sky Sports now show at least one game a week in the new '3D' format which means that fans of the chosen clubs no longer need to venture to the actual ground. Instead they can venture to one of the chosen pubs hosting the broadcast, wearing the specially designed glasses.

Back in the 1980's when the first wave of 3D films were released, the glasses were the 'weak link' in the technology with the cardboard frames and red/green plastic lenses often having only a shelf live of 10 minutes before the wearer would become increasingly frustrated with them falling off and generally being shit and would put them in a draw at their mums house only to be found 13 years later!.

Nowadays though, the 'modern 3D glasses' are so camouflaged you would hardly notice somebody wearing them [pictured above]. If you concentrate on the image above, after a while you may realise that the people pictured are actually wearing 3D glasses!.

Inventor of the new glasses Prof Graeme Souness said this. ''We wanted to make something that wouldn't make people stand out and look silly when they were watching football in 3D. That was the problem years ago, but I think you'll agree that you could pretty much wear these things all day and no one would even notice!?!.''

Manchester City fan Dick Moore spoke to Sports In Shorts after his teams 3D experience against Tottenham Hotspur last night.

''It's the future int it!, 3D's great. It's like I was actually at the match but in a pub at the match. I used to go down to Middle-Eastlands but theres no need to risk it anymore!. 3D's like being at the match but on the telly, and everythings better on telly!. I just can't wait to see what they do next....I mean, do you think they will ever have the technology to actually be at the game but to be able to watch it live in 3D?. That'd be something wouldn't it!?!.....it'd be like real 3D.....there probly would'nt be any need to put it on telly........ I wonder if we'd still need glasses?.''

Gerrard makes impressive debut for new club!

Ex Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard [pictured above chasing a fleeing DJ] made an impressive debut for his new club Chelsea's win against Liverpool, the club that sold him just hours earlier!.

Details of the move have yet to be realeased but it is thought that the Londoners paid at least £30 million for the midfielder. They also agreed that he would be allowed to wear his beloved Liverpool kit for the game in order to say goodbye to his faithful fans.

Liverpool were put in a situation where a win or a draw would have put a record winning 19th league title on the cards for great rivals Manchester United, a situation where many 'fans' admitted that they would prefer the scousers to 'roll over' and let Chelsea win.

After the game, Sky's Geoff Shreeves questioned manager Rafa Benitez about if he told his team to 'take it easy' for the game.

''What do I care!?!, I'm off to Turin soon innit!''

New signing Gerrard put a precise through ball to Didier Drogba midway through the first half who rounded the keeper Reina and tapped the ball into the net. Frank Lampard slid in a second in the second half to take the win and probably the title back to Stamford Bridge.

Burnley to be re-nickmaned ''The non stop losers''

Soon not to be Premier League outfit Burnley, have changed their club nickname by deed poll to 'cash in' on their losing run!.

The Lancashire team who have lost 10 of their last 9 games took the decision after yet another loss last Sunday to Liverpool. Manager Brian Laws [pictured above] spoke to Sports In Shorts after the 4-0 defeat.

''It's a right laugh here at Burnley to be honest!, the management don't really take it seriously and neither do the board.........I mean if they did, why would they have appointed me??....I'm gonna be the only manager to have relegated 2 teams in the same season if Sheffield Wednesday get relemergated as well!. If they do, I did the donkey work for it so I don't want Alan (Irvine) to get the credit!.

So we just have a laugh with it, a couple of us got lagered up in Wetherspoon's and went down to the deed poll office and changed the nickname from 'The Clarets' to 'The Non Stop Losers'......how goods that!!!.....only cost me £36 as well.....reet bargain!.....and the way I see it is, if we're called 'The Non Stop Losers' how can I be fired if we lose??.......it's our nickname!!....gettit?''.

For the last couple of games I'm gonna play Graham Alexander in goal and Brian Jensen up front as well, you know...have a bit of a laugh with it....... football takes itself too seriously, at least here I can just be myself.......a right joker.........honestly, I'm mental, ask anyone here!. Whilst I was down there I also changed my name to Brain Lawmaker''.

Roy Carroll claims ''In Denmark I'm considered a good keeper!?!''

Former Manchester United goal conceder Roy Carroll, has claimed in an interview with FourFourTwo magazine that he has not taken a backward step by joining the Danish Super League outfit Odense BK!?!.

The Northern Irish keeper is probably best known for preventing 'the goal that never was' (pictured above) when playing for Man Utd against Tottenham Hotspur in 2005. Spurs midfielder Pedro Mendes took a shot from the halfway line which beat Carroll who backpeddled and pushed the ball back out of the goal. The referee and linesman failed to give the goal even though it was at least 2 weeks over the line!.

But in the summer of 2009 after leaving Derby County, Carroll failed to find an English based club who thought he was worth paying, so he took up an offer from the Danish team who immediately made him the most well paid player in their history.

''Here in Denmark, there are a number of things to get used to....for example, they drive on the opposite side of the road, they have winter for 9 months of the year, it's a criminal offense to publicly criticise 'Great Dane' and national hero Peter Schmeichel, but the wages of £120 a week after Danish tax make it all worth while.......... but I suppose the most difficult thing to adjust to over here was the fact that here I am considered a decent keeper!?!.

Many people back home might be thinking that I've taken a backward step by moving to Denmark but you've got to remember.....I've played at Wigan!!......once you've been there...anywhere you go will be paradise!!''.

EU directive passed to make French Cricket replace Cricket

The world of cricket is set to radically change over the next 5 years following a new law passed in Brussels which labels the sport of Cricket in it's current form as 'racist' and 'non European'.

The new directive came after a complaint was raised by the French government at an EU Sports & Leisure conference saying that the Cricket playing nations of the world but mainly only the English, were ridiculing France for their version of the game which is commonly played using the batsman's legs as the wicket and a baguette as a bat! (pictured above).

Far too complicated!

The EU found in favor of France, stating that all current forms of Cricket were 'racist towards Europe', 'non European',and 'far too complicated'. So from 2015 'Cricket' will be phased out and replaced by 'French Cricket' which will be renamed 'Euro Cricket' or 'Le whack le ball game avec le baton baguette'.

In addition there will be several other major changes:

1) All bowling to be underarm and slow to give Gran's a chance of hitting the ball.
2) Games never to last longer than 25 minutes as 'working time regulations' could be broken if played any longer without a break.
3) Tennis balls to be used instead of Cricket balls as they are far too hard and dangerous.
4) All games to be played on beaches.

Absolute Disgrace!

The planned changes have caused a huge wave of disapproval from Cricket aficionado's, including professional Yorkshire man Sir Geoffrey Boycott. Speaking from his mouth in his broad Yorkshire accent he said, ''It's an absolute disgrace!, them bloody French are ruining the sport that I ruined years ago in the 1980's!. They want to mind their own croissants!. You can't play Cricket in France!!........, that's like playing beach volleyball in Barnsley!.........its political correctness gone bi-polar......Fred Trueman's ashes will be spinning in their grave!!''.

O'Sullivan may NOT quit Snooker this year!?!

The world of snooker has been rocked by the news that Ronnie O'Sullivan will NOT be falling out of love with the game and quitting this year.

Annual Tradition

O'Sullivan (34) has made it an annual tradition to claim he has lost interest and love for the pub game, usually after he gets knocked out of the World Championships. But the man from Essex has admitted in an interview with Sports In Shorts that he longer has the interest and love for losing interest and falling out of love.

Speaking to our South Yorkshire reporter Corey Lavender from the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield O'Sullivan spoke about his decision.

''It's not that I don't love not loving snooker anymore, I just don't feel the same level of love for losing the love of the game at the moment!. I'm not saying this is going to last forever, I might have regained the enthusiasm for losing enthusiasm next year.....who can tell?!?. I just need to take time out from taking time out of the so called sport, concentrate on playing, and maybe next year I'll be fed up with not being fed up and quit the game again''.

O'Sullivan has quit the game on no fewer than five occasions, all of which have been after humiliating defeats at the showpiece Sheffield tournament. But on each occasion he has returned to the game with a new found optimism for a month or so, but even O' Sullivan's family have noticed a change in the self proclaimed 'Essex Depressionator'.

Killer Dad

His heavily tanned mother Maria has always taken the blame for O'Sullivan's many problems. Speaking last night she said ''I feel responsible for Ronnie's mental problems, if I hadn't have got involved with his gangster killing Dad he might have been normal stable lad,....but I suppose that ideally if his Dad hadn't gone out killing people then he might not be so highly strung........... but you live and learn don't you!?!, but I've definitely seen a change in Ronnie this year, he's different and has lost the interest of losing interest.....he's growing up!''.

Leaders TV debate sparks war of words over Zamora!

The second televised Prime ministerial debate between the leaders of the main UK political parties and Nick Clegg, sparked an angry exchange over the differing views held over whether or not Fulham's Bobby Zamora should be included in England's World Cup squad.

Audience member William Sowter asked the question ''With the World Cup approaching, who would you all pick as the 4th forward in England's squad?''. Ringmaster Adam Boulton asked Gordon Brown to answer first.

Crouch gives you growth

''Walter, you are probably like me and really think that stability is what we, and when I say WE I mean England because I DO want England to win the World Series Cup games in South America, we need. If you're after a good performance then you SHOULDN'T pick someone like Peter Crouch, but if you want results and growth then Peter is surely the man to go for?. Now isn't the time to risk falling into football obscurity again, and picking someone like Bobby Zamora would jeopardise our national football climate. With Crouchy, you get height, stature, Abby Clancy and the robot dance, with Bobby Zamora you get the barn door being missed and embarrassing songs like ''When the ball hits your head and you're sat in row Z, that's Zamora''. For real results...pick Peter Crouch!''.

Lies

Next to speak was David Cameron. ''Firstly, can I just say this whilst looking straight down the camera and looking shiny-er than ever......, Hi it's me Dave, what the men , women and black community are telling me as I meet them up and down this great country of ours is that they want change, and by 'change' I mean 'not the same', and by 'not the same' I mean NOT Peter Crouch. This government need to make difficult decisions, and they are failing you by telling you they want Peter Crouch to go to South Africa. The lies they have been spreading about a Conservative government wanting to pick Michael Owen are scandalous to say the least. Our manifesto clearly states that we should pick an Englishman wherever possible for the England team unless absolutely necessary, and the WILD rumours saying my Party would bring back the old players of the 90's are so wide of the mark...Peter Crouch could have kicked it himself!. A vote for Conservative is a vote for guaranteed goals....vote Zamora!'' he said looking really pleased with himself.

Bickering

Lastly Nick Clegg addressed the subject. ''Walter, if I can call you that?, I've got some inside knowledge on this subject, as I did work experience for the FA when Sven Goran Erikkson was in charge. And Walter, if you don't mind me saying that?, ........these two remind me of Lawro and Hansen bickering on Match Of The Day!, of course we shouldn't pick Michael Owen, of course we shouldn't pick Bobby Zamora, and of course we shouldn't pick Peter Crouch!. We in the Liberal Democrats Walter ....if I can mention you again?........believe that WHY make this decision yet?. We have 6 weeks left until the squad needs to be announced, so why make the decision yet?. Consider all the options like Emile Heskey, Kevin Davies or Kevin Phillips and let the best player win. So if I could answer the question that Walter asked in the first place........we in the liberal Democrats would not pick anyone for the squad''.

Neville and Scholes come clean over relationship!

Manchester United's Gary Neville and Paul Scholes have come clean about their 'friendship' after they 'forgot themselves' and let themselves go too far in front of the Eastlands crowd last Saturday.

Embraced

Scholes who scored in the 93rd minute to snatch a last minute winner over their rivals Manchester City ran straight to Neville and the two embraced (pictured above) before Gary grabbed Scholes and started furiously kissing the gingerman.

Speaking after the game Scholes, who is notoriously a man of few words mumbled ''Ball came in, me headed it, it went in,...ran to Gary, he kissed me''. But Neville spoke more affectionately about the clinch. ''Scholesy is a ruddy beauty isn't he!?, seeing him score the winner.....man, I just wanted to eat the little fella up...you think that was a kiss?, you should see what I'll do to him tonight!''.

Theres not many men I'd let kiss me

Scholes who rarely gives interviews spoke last night to our Manchester correspondent ''Gary's a good kisser, definitely one of the best I've ever had.....it's his moustache that makes him more manly I reckon?!?. Theres not many men I'd let kiss me, but if the likes of Gary or his brothers Phil or Franck want to snog you.....you don't let moments like that pass!''.

ECB chief admits ''County Championship is as pointless as Deal or No Deal!''

The chairman of the English Cricket board Giles Clarke has admitted in an interview with Sports In Shorts that the English County Championship is ''as pointless as Deal or No Deal!''.

Jazzing Up

Speaking yesterday, Clarke said ''It's difficult to know what to do with our County Championship to make it more popular???, do we merge some teams together so there are less counties so therefore less matches?, do we make games last only 2 days instead of 4......I mean who in their right mind wants to sit through 4 days of that dross??....not me, that's who...... another idea we had was to jazz it up by 'glamming' teams up in fancy dress...so Derbyshire might play dressed as the YMCA boys against Glamorgan, who might be dressed as say.... the Spice Girls.....all these ideas are being considered at the moment. One things for sure, as it stands the County Championship is as pointless as Deal or No Deal!.....which makes me Noel Edmond's I guess'?!?!''.

Suffering

Cricket in England is also suffering from the money available in the Indian Premier League, which means that Counties are finding their best players are preferring to play in India at the start of the English season rather than their regular team. Clarke also has ideas of how to solve this problem. ''Ahhh the IPL..... now thats made our job in England difficult.....how can we compete?.......we could start the EPL perhaps?, or we could invade India again and make it...like...another England......like an England 2 if you like...just like the old days......except with better weather and crowded trains...... but the easiest thing to do is probably just scare our players into not going by saying terrorists will bomb them if they go!''.

Radio Five's Mike Ingham blasts Taylor's expert analysis!

Graham Taylor the ex manager of Aston Villa was attacked verbally on air on Saturday evening by his colleague and chief football reporter Mike Ingham.

Taylor , who was once likened to a garden vegetable by The Sun newspaper (irony) , gave some of the best punditary ever heard on British radio as the summariser on the Tottenham Hotspur versus Chelsea Premier League game.

Expert Analysis

With Chelsea 2-0 down to Spurs and 10 minutes left on the clock, Taylor said ''Mike (Ingham) Chelsea are 2-0 down, if they want to win, they'll have to score 3 goals! Fact....'' Ingham responded by saying ''Well....yes, that goes without saying I suppose Graham doesn't it??'' before Taylor quipped ''But Mike, what you're not thinking about is, if Chelsea don't score in the next 10 minutes, they won't have scored in this game!''.
''Well, yes,....again..... thats obvious isn't it Graham..anyone could say that, we need expert analysis from you, not spurting out bleeding obvious crap like that......you're quite the football philosopher aren't you!?!'' Ingham said with more than a hint of sarcasm. ''Thanks Mike'' the ex England boss added.

Insane Ramblings

At full time after Frank Lampard had given Chelsea hope with a late goal, Taylor annoyed his colleague again with yet more insane ramblings. ''Mike, it's looking more and more likely that Chelsea won't get anything from this game'' he said. Ingham fired back ''Of course they won't get anything from this game.....it's over.....full time......when that man in the black blows his feckin whistle.....thats it...game over...no more!''. ''Mike, I think it's worth pointing to the viewers on the radio back home or in their motor vehicles, that John Terry getting sent off today meant that Chelsea could only play with ten players!, compared with Spurs being able to play with eleven......so thats one more player........but when they start their next game they will more likely than not start with eleven players again.....sendings off only last for the game it happens in, so they shouldn't get surprised by that!''.

Taylor concluded the summing up of the match by saying, ''Spurs have secured a vital win today which could well mean they have won another 3 points, whereas Chelsea will have to take the no points they won today and hope it will be enough at the end of the day which in this case is a season''.

Van Persie says ''I can't be arsed with raping anymore!''

Arsenal's frail striker Robin Van Persie (pictured above) has admitted that for the first time in his life he no longer feels the need to go out raping!.

Gone a bit Noel Edmunds!

The Dutchman came to this decision whilst recuperating from the latest in a long line of injury lay offs. Speaking to our North London correspondent Van Persie spoke of his decision. ''If you'd have asked me 5 years ago that I'd be given up the raping, I'd have said you'd 'gone a bit Noel Edmunds', but it's honestly the way I feel!. I've had a long time on the treatment table and a lot of time on my own, and it's times like that you realise that no matter how much money you've got, women just don't want to hang round with rapists...fact!''.

Can't be arsed with raping anymore!

Van Persie then went on to describe some of the inspiration behind his decision, ''I was sat there watching Loose Women when it hit me, I thought if Kieron Dyer can give up spit-roasting, Steven Gerrard can give up DJ punching, David Pleat can stop curb crawling and Glenn Hoddle can give up insulting disabled's....then why the hell can't I stop raping!?!. So from that day I've just stopped!, I know the experts tell you that you shouldn't just give up altogether or you might go 'cold chicken', but it seems to have worked for me. I just can't be arsed with raping anymore......it's so 2004!!''.

The forward used to average 5 or 6 rapes a week in his peak and in 2006 won the unwanted title of 'Dutch Raper Of The Year' but he insists those days are behind him. ''I've turned over a new branch, from now on all my raping is going to be done on the pitch, and by raping I mean scoring........of goals in the hole...I mean net.....goals in the net''.

Van Persie made a successful comeback from injury last night in the North London derby against Tottenham Hotspur, and a visit to Spearmint Rhino's afterwards also passed without any major incidents.

Woods injures wrist whilst watching Babestation!

Tiger Woods has sustained a 'nasty wrist injury' whilst 'minding his own business' in his Augusta hotel room.

The shamed golf club swinger had retired to his suite at the Lusty Palms Hotel Complex after his first day on any golf course in 5 months, but within 30 minutes he had called for emergency help saying he had 'gotten a cramp in my trigger fingers!'.

Old Habits

When the news first broke last night many feared that Woods had lapsed into his old habit of luring waitresses into his room, but his agent Bunny Powers 'assured' fans that nobody else was involved and it was a 'purrfectly innocent' injury which could have happened to anybody. Powers said this to the gathering media at the hotel. ''I just want to assure fans that Tiger is ok, there was nobody else with him when his wrist got injured, it was just a perfectly innocent injury sustained when he realised that he had accidentally turned the Babestation channel on his television!. He was so desperate to change the channel away from the scantily clad bed ridden writhing girls it was showing, that he was too heavy handed with his remote control''.

Furious Tugging

Powers went on to say ''Tiger told me that no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't achieve a successful channel change and it was then that he decided to take the batteries out of the remote!. He tugged furiously at the battery section of the controller but still no reaction!''.

Going at it like a Tom Cat

Powers finished by saying ''Tiger admitted to me that he feels that he has let himself down for injuring himself in this way, he told me himself that he was going at his controller like a tomcat but he just couldn't shift it!''.

Woods is no longer favorite to claim the Augusta title with the injury expected to hamper his swinging for some time to come.

Ribery meets long lost brother!

Sports In Shorts can sensationally reveal that the long suspected lost 'third Neville brother' is none other than Bayern Munich's face for the radio Franck Ribery!! (pictured above using the photo he provided to www.Lovematch.com).

When the boys were babies, parents Neville and Mary Neville realised they couldn't cope with 3 boys who all had that 'lost vacant look!', so they offered the worse one up for adoption. A French family took the young boy and they named him Franck, and he grew up not knowing he was adopted, in rural France.

The Neville boys Dad, Neville spoke to Sports In Shorts after Wednesday's Manchester United game with Bayern Munich. ''It was a huge shock to find out that the little lad we let go as a baby is Franck Ribery!. If we'd known he was going to be the talented one, we'd have given away Gary or Phil....and kept the skillful one, It's too late now isn't it...... to take him back I mean!?!''.

You can tell it's him though, he's got his mothers scar and everything!!'', Neville added.

Gary, Phil (who had gone to Germany with Dad Neville) and Franck had an awkward meeting after the game, with Gary saying ''Soooo.....you like football then?'', Franck replied ''Yez, I like le football very much!''. ''Me and Phil like defending...don't we Phil!?'' Gary said with authority ''Ummm yeah!?!'' a be wilded Phil added before saying ''Wait Gaz..... which ones defending again?''. ''Shut up Phil....don't embarrass us... Dad, Phil's embarrassing me!'' Gary whinged, before Ribery went on to say ''Defending!?, non, I prefer le attacking and le scoring of le goals''.

There are no further plans for the boys to get together, with Ribery telling friends he feels hanging around with the Neville lads may make him hated at every ground he plays at......even when he's at home!.

Ji Sung Park boldly goes where no South Korean has gone before!

Manchester United's South Korean midfielder Ji Sung Park (above) has recently revealed the secrets to his footballing success.

Last week Park spoke of how his mum Maureen used to feed him 'frog juice' when he was little, to help build him into the 5ft 6'' man he is today. But this week he has revealed that his Dad, Dave had an even more profound effect on his life!.

Speaking to Sports In Shorts Park explained how. ''My Dad wanted me to have success in life but also with humility, which is why he taught me the ways of the 'Vulcan's'!.
He made me watch every episode of Star Trek and every film they made.......even that dreadful Wrath Of Khan rubbish!, and I soon realised that I wanted to be just like Mr Spock!.

Not only was he clever but he had special powers as well, I haven't discovered my own special power yet but Dad says it could be any day now!. So when I'm not in my Man U top, you'll always find me wearing blue, that's why I always play better when we're away!....plus I never say 'goodbye', I always say 'live long and prosper' and I got my hair done just like my hero too!''.

Park isn't the first sportsman to emulate their favorite film star, Eric Cantona famously played out a scene from 'Karate Kid 5 - Selhurst Park Showdown' in 1995 when he got sent off for Man Utd against Crystal Palace. As he walked past a well wishing fan on his way to the tunnel, Cantona got the wrong end of the stick with what the fan was saying and flew at the poor man 'leg first'.

David Platt is a fan of the film 'Super size Me', and can be found at fast food joints near any ground he is working on for Sky Sports as he tries to fatten himself up for Christmas!. Our reporter caught up with David last Sunday in Burnley when he said, ''Can't talk....eating....are you gonna have those chips?''.

Bad things come to Lewis Hamilton In 3's!

McClaren's second best driver Lewis Hamilton has had a week he would like to forget about, with 3 things going wrong for the ex World Champion!.

Firstly, on the Thursday before the Australian Grand Prix in Melbourne, the young British driver was caught speeding in his hire car on the streets of the city.
When asked his name, Hamilton said he was called 'Jenson', however a quick witted policeman was suspicious of this as the name on the helmet of the driver said 'Lewis Hamilton', it also had Hamilton's name splashed on the side of the car, all this in addition to Hamilton's photo on the bonnet of the car did not fool the arresting officer James Kilbride, who arrested Hamilton for speeding and impersonating a decent driver.

Secondly, in the main race on Sunday, Hamilton only finished in an embarrassing 5th place with his teammate and rival Jenson Button winning to take maximum points. A despondent Hamilton said after the race ''It's not my fault it's my teams fault...I'm the youngest Formula One champion ever, so it's highly unlikely to be my fault....It's their fault, It's them cos they didn't make my car faster than the other ones.......how can I win if it's not faster!!....derrrr''. He was then asked how the relationship was between him and his compatriot Button? ''Button's not better than me!?!'' Hamilton quipped back to the asking reporter.

The final act of bad luck to fall on young Lewis was perhaps the most important and serious of all. His mum phoned him on Sunday night to say that Blockbuster Video had been in touch saying their records showed that he still had a VHS copy of Driving Miss Daisy borrowed 7 years ago. The fine has amounted to £65'000 if settled immediately, but a source close to Hamilton has it that he has 'no idea' where the video is.

He did comment on the video to a passing reporter today however, saying ''I don't feckin believe it, what else is gonna go wrong!!?!, it wasn't even that good....someone told me it was about cars and shit......but there wasn't even a single car chase!!.....rubbish!''.

New Zealand FA appoint new National team manager!

The New Zealand FA have appointed a new manager following the recent sacking of Ricky Herbert. Herbert guided the 'All whites' to the World Cup Finals to be held in South Africa later this year, but was sacked after 'an incident' with team mascot Terry the Sheep!.

The new boss Murray Hewitt (pictured above signing his contract), has joined the NZFA from his previous job as Deputy Attache at the New Zealand consulates office in New York. After Herbert he is the next most experienced football brain in New Zealand, having coached at a summer camp to raise extra cash during his stay in America.

Hewitt has already stamped his authority on the squad by introducing 'roll calls' at team meetings every day, by banning all team members from talking to Australians and by organising the band he manages in New York to record the New Zealand football song for the World Cup, tentatively titled 'Who wants to rock the football party?'

Hewitt speaking to Sports In Shorts said ''Wow,..... yes... really pleased to be the new football manager of the team, I organised a rugby tour once so this should be easy....looking forward to taking the guys to Africa.....wow, Africa.....safari's...imagine that!?!''.

Our reporter then asked who he felt was the best player in the squad. Hewitt replied '' Wow, they all seem so good?!?...ummm, let's see...... the man with the gloves who can catch things seems friendly...I didn't catch his name!?!''.

He was then asked what formation his team would be playing? ''I think we'll be going in with the 11 players on the grass with the glove man looking after the net area, then keep some on the side for emergencies!!'' Hewitt said positively.

New Zealand's odds of winning the tournament have increased from 500-1 to 2500 to 1.