Sports personality? of the year awards

Last night saw the 245th annual Sports Personality Of The Year Awards. The jewell in the BBC's crown, this year the show came live from 'The Steal City' Sheffield, nicknamed because it enjoys more robberies per square metre than anywhere else in Europe. Coincidentally, it's also the place where men stripping for charity started as portrayed in the film Brokeback Mountain.

Held at the city's premier function room The Gala Bingo Centre, it almost sold its entire ticket allocation of 128 seats such is the keen interest in free ticket giveaways of the locals. It was as ever hosted by the ever wooden Gary Lineker assisted by Sue Barker who provided nervous laughter on demand.

The main event of the evening was the main event of the evening, and this years nominees for 2009 Sports Personality Of The Year were:

Jason Batten: for picking the fastest car

Phil Taylor: for winning the Phil Taylor Darts Tournament for the 56th straight time

Tom Daley: for being able to stay up late

David Haye: for having 1 fight in 2 years

Ryan Giggs: for escaping the old peoples home for a day

Beth Tweddle: ??????

Andy Murray: for having a great personality

Jessica Ennis: for being the most successful Yorkshire person ever

After announcing Jessica Ennis & Jason Batton in 3rd and 2nd place respectively, a bleary eyed Andrew Flintoff read out the winner as Ryan Giggs. Lineker took over with authority at this point, stating that Giggs was the eldest ever winner of the former prestigious award, and a visibly bewildered Giggs said on receiving the award 'oooooo, its a lovely day isn't it!, what have i won? is my dinner ready mother?, what time do we go back to the home???

A hormonal Tom Daley did not take defeat well however, as he could be heard shouting 'are you friggin joking me,..... him?? he's an old shit, give it me you bastards...i can jump into water headfirst!'