Monday's Big Match Roundup!

This weekend saw 3 of the worlds most intense football rivalries lock horns, and as ever Sports In Shorts can bring you the best analysis of the rivalries what were mentioned earlier in the sentence!:

River Plate v's Boca Juniors

The Argentinian mega powers went head to head in the Buenos Aires grudge match which averages 5 casualties a year!. As the match was being played after this report went to Internet print we don't know the result but here is a brief summary of what probably happened.

22 yellow cards were handed out with only 5 sendings off this time!?!, a manic Diego Maradona was spotted in the crowd selling Cocaine, irate fans attacked referee, erratic players attacked referee, irate fans and erratic players chased fleeing referee into crowd, game called off after 52 minutes!.

Inter Milan v's AC Milan

The Milanese Derby took place at the Giuseppe Meazza Stadium last night if you're an Inter fan or the San Siro Stadium if you follow AC Milan.

The game finished 2-0 to the Inter veterans who had an average team age of 43. A youthful looking AC team looked inexperienced having dropped the 'wise old heads' of Maldini, Baresi & Costacurta and had to 'make do' with the 'young hopefuls' of Pirlo (32), Favalli (34), Beckham (34), Dida (32), Gattuso (hard to tell cos he's so beardy), Ambrosini (31) and Seedorf (35).

Stevenage v's Kettering Utd

Perhaps the biggest football rivalry of all took place in England with the 'Not quite Midlands, Not quite London' Derby between the 2 Blue Square Premier heavyweights (crowd scene from the Stevenage Jeff Goldblum Arena pictured above). The Steven's outclassed The Kettle's and won 2-0, with the goals coming from Wayne Long and Wayne Long. The win puts Stevenage top of the league and as one fan put it ''Top of the Blue Square Premier!, it don't get much more Rock n Roll than that does it!?!''.

Tevez v Neville battle of hand gestures rumbles on

The Carlos Tevez V Gary Neville war of words and hand gestures continued yesterday as both of the childish players refused to grow up in any way.

It all started when Wayne Rooney muttered the witticism ''Miss, you Greasy Argie'' just before Tevez smashed in the controversial penalty to draw Man City level at 1-1 against fierce rivals Man Utd in Tuesday's Milk Cup Semi-final first leg at Eastlands.

Tevez responded to this by doing an impression of the character Shrek from the film Shrek starring Shrek, directed at Rooney.

Eager to get in on any aggravation going, Gary Neville soon piped up and started shouting comments from the touchline....albeit despite him not even being named on the subs bench for the game!.

Neville's wife Nelly explained ''Gary was watching the game at home with me and as soon as he noticed it was about to kick off with a good argument I couldn't contain him!, he just had to get involved....bless him!.....that's why I love him I guess!?''.

When he arrived, Neville started hurling insults directed at Tevez, criticising the surgeon who performed the botched operation on his neck wound, to which Tevez retaliated with disparaging remarks about Neville's poorly grown moustache!, one fan heard him say this in his Spanish accent, ''Look guys, theres an Ian Beale lookalike on the touchline and is name isa Gary Neville!''.

A visibly angry Neville took this remark to heart and couldn't think of a witty re post so simply stuck 2 fingers up at the gloating Argentinian ugly man, not realising that in Spanish this signal means ''Last night your mother told me you were adopted!!''. A shocked Tevez could be seen borrowing a mobile phone from a supporter in the crowd to phone his mum to see if this was true!.

Once she convinced him he was not adopted, he got back to the game and almost immediately scored with a headed goal to take City to a 2-1 victory, which once again caused him to celebrate but this time Neville bore the brunt of his mocking comedy, as he produced a comb from his back pocket and started to pretend to comb his top lip where a moustache might be!, whilst shouting ''Hey Gary why don't you grow a real moustache like your mum's got!''.

An upset Neville was then consoled by his Dad who had also been watching the game at home and had felt the need to get involved. Mr Neville (Neville) said ''If you pick on my boy Gary Neville, you pick on me,....Neville Neville''.

''I've never been hungrier'' admits Hatton!

Popular tubby one time decent boxer Ricky Hatton (pictured above before he got fat) has been forced to clarify comments he made in a statement last week.

He was speaking at a press conference held for him to announce his plans for his next humiliating defeat (a story broken by Sports In Shorts in November 2009), this summer to Mexican pensioner Juan Marquez.

The part of the statement which caused confusion was when he mentioned that ''I've never been hungrier!'', many reporters believed him to mean that he was hungry for success after the embarrassing loss to smiley faced Filipino drug user Manny Pacquiao, however Hatton speaking to Sports In Shorts has spoken of the real meaning of his comments.

''When I said I've never been hungrier, I didn't mean for success, I just meant I've never been hungrier!!.....I've not eaten for about 10 minutes or so!......I've got a real craving for sugary treats at the moment..........but I reckon I'm gonna move onto savory pastries soon for a bit of variety.......then I'll step up my calorie intake and move onto deep frying everything and within a few months I should be my ideal lounging weight!''

Hatton or 'Roly Poly Ricky' as his fans call him also mentioned the inspiration behind his odd dress sense. ''I tend to wear a black suit jacket with blue jeans at half mast, its a look I stole off that curly haired fella off Top Gear, and sometimes I like to wear a silly looking sun hat with my favorite tracksuit so I've got the look of a typical Manc chav....which I guess is what i am at heart!''.

Hattons new weight gain video 'Get fat with the chav in the hat' is out next Monday on video priced £8.99, or free if you buy 50 of Ricky's new 'Calorie Intense Deep Fried Pizzas'.

Pienaar admits love of Coq!

South African Floella Benjamin impersonator Steven Pienaar has spoken of his love of his clubs kit maker Le Coq (pronounced cock) Sportif.

The Everton midfield lightweight kissed the kit makers emblem after scoring a poorly hit free kick in Saturdays tussle with Manchester's 3rd best team Manchester City. At first tv viewers and fans just presumed he kissed the wrong side of his kit and thought he had really meant to kiss the Everton badge, but speaking to ESPN's blond woman after the victory, Pienaar spoke of the real reason for this show of affection.

He said ''I've always loved Le Coq, growing up as a young girl in South Africa we used to see the old First Division on TV and whereas most of my friends became fans of Liverpool or Manchester United, I just fell in love with Evertons kit, the way it makes it look as if you're wearing a white t-shirt underneath a blue top is breathtaking. It's not just the Everton kit I love, Le Coq also make the Italian Serie C kit for AFC Bergamo which is equally spellbinding. So when I score a goal I like to celebrate by kissing Le Coq..........it's just a way for me to show my appreciation to Le Coq for being great''.

Pienaar finished by adding ''I'd just like to say, if any viewers are watching who also like Le Coq, maybe we should hook up and celebrate being fans of Le Coq together???.......maybe have a Coq party??''

Where are they now?

Number 1: Ryan Giggs

After an amazing debut by the 17 year old Giggs against QPR in 1989 he could never live up to the hype of being labelled 'The Welsh Wizard'! mainly due to him having never actually had any formal wizard training.

In the game, he scored twice and set up a 3rd for Brian McClair and the drooling press went overboard with comparisons to the Irish superstar.......... Norman Whiteside and the Sun's famous headline called him 'A white Bobby Charlton!'.

The pressure was too much to handle at a time when footballers were becoming front page celebrities as well as back page fodder. At a party once at the house he shared with Celebrity Love Island's Lee Sharpe, his manager Alex Ferguson waited outside because he hadn't been invited. He eventually plucked up the courage to gatecrash, he entered and found the easily led Giggs smoking a cigarette, so to punish him he made him eat the entire packet in an attempt to put him off for life!.

No matter how hard he didn't train, he could never recreate the magic of his first match and by 1991 had been loaned out to Hamilton Academicals in the pointless Scottish League. Even this level proved to be too high for the now alcoholic Giggs and Manchester United, desperate to 'get rid' of their problem star said they would 'Pay anyone who wants to take him off our hands!'.

Total Network Solutions in his homeland took up the unique offer famously netting £1 million in the process.

He managed 5 games for the Welsh minnows in the inaugural Welsh League, but retired in 1995 aged 22 when he finally admitted he would never make it big in the game. From 1995 to date he has had a variety of jobs including, erotic night club dancer, part time drug dealer and umbrella salesman but these days he can be found on the streets of Manchester as the city's most popular beggar!.

January sales watch!!

The January transfer window has been open for 14 days and a number of big money deals have nearly been completed:

David James the multi hair-styled pensioner (pictured above after spotting a hairstyle he hasn't had) has joined Stoke City on loan from cash strapped Portsmouth who accepted a Mars bar and a can of Lilt as payment for the overrated goalkeeper.

Jermaine Beckford is certain to leave Leeds Utd with the striker wanting a move to the Premier League but as he rates himself much higher than anybody else does, a move to Scotland is more likely, with Rangers and Celtic battling it out once more to sign the £75'000 valued player.

Sol Campbell has rejoined Arsenal with Arsene Wenger admitting he didn't see the build up to the move from where he was and would have to watch the TV coverage of it before he could comment.....but strongly denied it was likely to happen!.

Manchester United manager Sir Angry Ferguson has said he is unlikely to spend any money on his first team squad this January because the 'For Sale' signs have gone up outside Old Trafford in a bid to raise the money he says he can spend but obviously haven't got.

Liverpool have been the 'Big Spenders' so far with Argentinian passenger Maxi Rodriguez joining on a free transfer from Athletico Madrid to rival Albert Riera for a place on the reserves subs bench.

The big transfer news in Scotland is that most decent players will leave the Scottish league at some point in their career if they are any good.

News from La Liga in Spanish Spain is that Real Madrid have once again spent all their money on the best players in the world but failed to secure a manager thats any good, as Paul Hart seems likely to take over from one time bottled water inventor Manuel Pellegrini. Hart yesterday left QPR after only 5 games in charge when erratic boss Flavio Briatore confusingly claimed he (Hart) ''just wasn't getting to the training ground quickly enough for his liking!, he's no Michael Schumacher!''

More transfer news one day maybe?

Ashley Cole tells press to stop saying he's straight!

Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole (pictured above left in the infamous aftermath of his affair with David Beckham) has hit out at journalists who are constantly insinuating that he is a straight heterosexual man (non gay).

The camp left back speaking to Sports In Shorts said 'I just wish all these rumours would stop!, I'm definitely gay, I've always been openly gay.....I even made a gay sex romp video in Ibiza with Sol Campbell and Freddie Ljungberg but the press still insist on saying I'm married to Cheryl Tweedy!?. We're not married!!! urgghh!, I love Cheryl as a friend but the thought of seeing her naked repulses me!.....we're just gals who like to hang out and have sleepovers.....that kind of thing. She just happened to change her name back to her Dad's name of Cole'.

Cole finished the interview by reassuring his fans 'I just want to say don't believe what you read in the papers!, I'm definitely gay.....gay as ever....don't worry about that..........I'm so gay!' he added.