Maradona tries to convince authorities he's the German coach

Unstable Argentinian manager Diego Armando Maradona (above) caused major disruption at Germany's training camp yesterday ahead of their World Cup Semi-Final against Spain, by claiming HE was the German coach, not Joachim Loew!

The confused ex gun wielding maniac turned up at the training ground entrance in various pieces of disguise. Security guard Abedi Sulemedy was on duty in Durban and he tells the story.

''This crazy guy turns up wearing a tight fitting German football and carrying a packet of frankfurters, so I asked if I could help him?.....I thought he may have escaped from the local institute!?........he said that he was here to coach his team to the World Cup victory, so I asked him who his team was?, ''The mighty Germania'' he tells me!.

Then I realised who it was, it was Diego Maradona!....I couldn't believe it. He's one of my favorite players of all time!

So I told him he is Argentina's manager, and that Germany beat them 4-0 in the Quarter Finals!

''If I'm Argentinian like you claim, then why am I here with the national food of Germany..... in my German dress and speaking with this authentic German accent!?'' he replied

I told him, he was clearly putting the accent on, he was doing more of a 'Allo-Allo' style, French accent to be honest.''

After 2 hours of trying to convince staff to let him in, and an unsuccessful attempt at squeezing through a tiny hole in the perimeter fence, Maradona gave up and later spoke to Sports In Shorts of the affair.

''On Saturday night, after the game with Germany, my old friend GOD contacted me....I haven't heard from that guy since 1986!. Anyway, he tells me that he wants ME to win the World Cup and he made a terrible mistake by letting Germany win the game. He promised to make it up to me by letting me become the German manager...only I must promise not to tell anyone! mainly cos of all the fuss it caused when he wanted me to beat England back in the day.

All was going well, I dug my old shirt out I got from Andreas Bremhe, I bought a packet of Frankfurters, and I adopted the alter ego of 'Diego The German'....whats more German than that..right!?.

Sadly the authorities didn't want to take MY or GOD's word for it, so I had to think 'outside the box'.''

Maradona is already back in Buenos Aires about to start work on his new Cop Drama Series 'Diego & Lacey'.....the long awaited 'spin off' from the popular 80's show Cagney & Lacey.

Excellent England return to heroes welcome!

The heroic underdogs of England's spirited World Cup campaign will return today to Heathrow Airport to a reception of thousands of well wishers and fans.

The plucky team managed to avoid embarrassment yesterday playing the football powerhouse of Germany by keeping the score down to a close run 4-1 defeat!.

Once described as ''pointless fuckwits!'' by manager Fabio Capello, the team rallied round and made the German team look only fractionally better than them.

Ex England manager Graham Taylor watched the game from a cul de sac in Lincolnshire.

''OK, I suppose some so called England fans will be disappointed, but when you see your team play like they did today (yesterday) you can only be proud. To keep THAT German team down to only 4 goals was an astonishing piece of goal prevention, the likes we haven't seen since Carlton Palmer used to parade around the England midfield like a cheap suit.''

Many fans feared the worst when England were paired with Germany in the last 16, but Capello spoke of how he got the best out of his 'low fi' players.

''When you are a that much of an under-doggy, what have you a got to lose!?. You just have to put your eyes on the German team sheet list and it is house hold names all the way a down. Compared to our list where, to be honest if I can for a momento...even I do not recognise the names!......I didn't even realise Joey Coley was our player until I played FIFA World Cup on my Playstation computer.

I just said to my boys, no one knows who you are, go and tell them who you are...Introduce yourself to the football world.....do it for Gary Neville!'.''

'Rebel' Lawrenson refuses to wear traditional BBC pundit clothes!

Mark Lawrenson the strangely haired BBC pundit caused mild controversy last night by refusing to wear the 'stock' grey shirt/black trouser combo which is expected to be worn by all pundits.

The campish ex Republic Of Ireland defender (pictured above) turned up at the BBC's temporary studio in the foothills of Table Mountain near Cape Town, sporting some items from his own wardrobe, a gold and black sequined sparkly top, light blue pantaloons and knee high black cowboy boots finished with a pink cowboy hat.

This did not go down well with some viewers. A disgruntled Roy Miller from Basildon said

''I switched on the BBC to watch a nice bit of bland inoffensive punditry to go with the Denmark Japan game, then they cut to Lawro and he's wearing that get up, I ask you a PINK cowboy hat???...PINK!.....everyone knows you should never wear pink with gold....they'll clash.

I expect this from Southgate on ITV but not on the BBC, they should know better!.''

Defending his clothes, Lawrenson described the outfit as 'playful yet practical', 'fun and breezy' and 'John Barrowman meets Sex in the City'.

Defoe forgets if he's a Tottenham or a Portsmouth player!?

England goal hero Jermain Defoe has admitted in a post match interview that he's forgotten if he plays club football for Tottenham Hotspur or Portsmouth.

The 'petite' striker who is exactly half the size of team mate Peter Crouch (fact fans) let this slip during an interview with ITV's Gabriel Clarke.

''Its great to get our campaign off to a non drawing start and to know everyone back home is now going way over the top with praise for us is music to our ears. The team played well and I'm so glad to get the goal cos that's what I'm in the team for!, its what I do day in day out at Portsmouth.....no......Tottenham, hang on....who do I play for?. The managers that fella that looks like a hound dog (Harry Redknapp)....its one of them definitely. Shit, that's embarrassing.....hang on Crouchy will know, 'Crouchy who do we play for?'

''England!'' replied the 'rake like plane botherer' whilst performing his celebratory robot dance

''Na, I know that,...... I mean back home, did you come with me to Spurs?''

''Yeah Little J, we play for Spurs.....or Portsmouth, one of them!.''

Since last night Defoe has completed a transfer to Portsmouth who have since sold him on to Tottenham Hotspur. Harry Redknapp is said to be ecstatic with both his new signings.

FIFA to introduce new emergency rule changes to make games less exciting!

Sepp Blatter (pictured above after being asked 'using your hands how mental do you think you are?') and his faithful life partner Michel Platini have passed two 'emergency rule changes' to help make the World Cup less exciting to watch.

The measures set to be implemented are to scrap the new Jabulani football, which has been widely criticised as being 'too kick able' and 'round' by many who have used and seen it in action.

This would be replaced by a scaled down version of it, about the same size as a golf ball, which will be camouflaged to make it less visable.

The other 'major' change which FIFA have been championing since it worked successfully at Euro 2004, will be to grant 'automatic qualification' from the group stages of the World Cup for any team who manages to keep the score at 0-0. This is thought to be favoring the 'flair' defensive teams like Greece and Switzerland which Blatter is known to love.

Switzerland were the first team at this World Cup to successfully put their opponents to sleep, before 'creeping' up to the other end and scoring a winner against Spain. Luckily, Spain managed to wake up in time to beat their next opponents Honduras whilst Switzerland played Chile who had taken the precaution of 'drinking an industrial amount of Red Bull' to stave off the 'coma inducing' tactics employed by the Swiss.

Speaking from his hospital bed following the opening ceremony debacle, Blatter spoke to Sports In Shorts.

''Oh, the rule changes, yes, good don't you think!?. To be honest I had to do something, all there is to do here is watch 'Loose Women' and 'Sex and The City' on DVD video tape!, it can get abit Greece...if you know what I mean!?.

Nobody wants to watch players like the Lionel Messi with his lovely feet movements, if you let him loose he scores the goals, scoring goals is so 1970, come on girlfriend....it's the 90's...it's all about the defensive tactics baby.....am I right?....eh?.

The golf ball idea was Michel's, I wanted to make the ball rectangle or triangle shaped, but the initial tests made the game too much like Rugby.''

Capello blasts world cup ball as ''Worst for 4 years!''

England's furrow browed head coach Fabio Capello (above) has blasted world cup organisers for using the ''worse ball for 4 years'' at the tournament currently being played in South Africa.

The erratically calm Italian said ''This round ball is easily the worst World Cup football I have ever seen for 4 years, maybe more or maybe less but one thing for sure is its not the same I think. The problem is FIFA sticking their busy fingers into a pie that doesn't need tampering with. If nothing needs changing then why tamper with the thing that doesn't need changing. If a baby doesn't need changing, you wouldn't change it's nappy pants would you?. A football is the same....only different ......but always the same.''

The criticism comes after goalkeeper Robert Green spilled a long distance shot from Clint Dempsey in England's opening 1-1 draw with USA and then struggled to have a kick of the ball in the disappointing 0-0 draw with Algeria.

''For me it was not entirely unexpectiated, because after training at the canteen, Greeny spilled a banana when reaching for the fruit, and for this I blame the new design of bananas in the recent times. It was not Roberto 's fault....even though I do blame him. This is why I picked the David James instead to play the position of the keeper goal. The ball is also to blame, Wayne Rooney should have had a go at the ball not the fans.''

Blatter gets carried away at opening ceremony and 'puts back out' doing backflip

FIFA president Sepp Blatter by his own admission, 'got carried away' at the opening ceremony of the 2010 World Cup tournament.

He took to the microphone to declare the tournament open, then in an extraordinary move started singing and dancing (pictured above) and encouraged the crowd to do the same.

''Maybe I shouldn't have launched into an acoustic version of Lady GaGa's Bad Romance, but you live and learn don't you'' said Blatter from his hospital bed.

He then linked seamlessly into Poker Face, before doing a medley of Shakira's hits, as the stadiums capacity crowd looked on in bewilderment, before doing a 'spur of the moment' dance routine which resulted in an ambitious back flip spurred on by his sidekick/personal assistant Michel Platini.

''Yes, yes, the back flip was a stupid idea, but it was sunny, I'd had a few beers, Michel was encouraging me....I got caught up in the atmosphere what can I say.....Bafana Bafana Shakira Shakira''.

By attempting the back flip, Blatter sustained a back injury which could keep him off the dance floors of South Africa until at least July 3rd.