Crouch tells teammates ''Stop complaining, I always train at altitude!''

Extreme vertical England striker Peter Crouch (pictured above playing at 33'000ft), has told his world cup team mates to stop complaining about having to train at altitude, as its something he's had to do all his life.

England have been based in the mountains to get used to the high altitude, as their first game with USA in Rustenburg is being played at 1500m.

Peter Crouch Fact #1: Crouch when fully erect is as high as 2 Aaron Lennons, The Eiffel Tower and the Czech forward Jan Koller added together!!.

Crouch said ''So now they all know how I feel!, they want to stop complaining about training up here, I've had to do it for years.''

Peter Crouch Fact #2: He actually shows up on radar and was once talked into a seat by Air Traffic control.

African players suddenly get far too over-expectant!

One of African footballs biggest names and John Pantsil both had sudden bouts of insanity yesterday when they both simultaneously predicted semi final places were within the grasp of both Nigeria and Ghana!?!.

The move which led many experts and Mark Lawrenson to claim that the players were obviously feeling the pressure of the tournament coming to the Continent for the first time.

Lawrenson speaking to Sports In Shorts said ''First of all you've got that fella with the long legs .....Kanu claiming Nigeria could make the semi finals!, I mean, he's clearly going a bit David Icke....Ok, so it could happen but I could win best new recording artist at the Grammy's, its not gonna happen is it!.
Then theres John Pansil, saying Ghana have a chance of reaching the semi finals, I don't want to be rude but theres more chance of Mick McCarthy being in a good mood than that happening.''

Kim Jong-il warns North Korea not to come back without World Cup Trophy

North Korea's miniature fruitcake, leader Kim Jong-il (pictured above after winning 'North Korea's Next Top Model') has warned his specially selected squad of footballers not to return to Pyongyang without the World Cup trophy!.

The pint sized lunatic was speaking on his chat show 'A Little Bit Of Kim Jong-il'.

''If my expert squad fail to win the trophy then I will not accept this, and will expect them to face the consequences or at least steal the trophy from whichever evil land of 'non dog eaters' who do win it. If they do not do this as I wish, they know what will happen!'' he said as he mimicked a knife cutting his neck.

The deluded leader then went on say that if he was playing in the World Cup they'd ''definitely win the tournament'', but sadly due to filming commitments on his latest feature film 'Kim Jong Over The Cuckoo's Nest' he wouldn't be able to play, but even not being in South Africa he would probably end up being '' the top scorer and best player in the world''.

A renowned imaginary athlete and make believe sportsman, Kim Jong claimed that on his first ever round of golf he scored 3 hole in ones!. A massive feat in itself but it was on his 67th birthday when he did it. This was only witnessed by one person, Dong Yi Lui who was working as Kim Jong's caddy at the time. Dong disappeared after he told national newspaper The Daily Oppressor ''Of course it never happened, he was rubbish....he kept missing the ball and claiming ''that's what I wanted to do!, now throw the ball down that grassy area for me to try again!''.

When questioned over whether or not he had ordered Dong's execution, the highly strung munchkin judge of 'North Korea's Got Talent' said ''That's mental, he was obviously as nutty as a cheesecake!.....now, have I ever told you about the time I landed a spaceship on the moon with no prior training!!''

To help his team become World Champions Kim Jong-il has flown his personal chef to South Africa to feed the squad with popular North Korean delicacies such as Rice and Poodles, Sausage Dog Rolls and German Shepherds Pie.

Socceraid game only official function where Jonathan Wilkes can be called 'celebrity'

Last night saw the annual Socceraid football match to raise money for the victims of the Haiti earthquake. The game at Old Trafford brought together many great players of the past and Jamie Redknapp as well as some celebrities and Jonathan Wilkes.

The game was organised by part time overweight karaoke singer Robbie Williams (pictured above during a brief 'non smug' period), who spoke of the good that the game would bring to some of the worst affected areas of Haiti.

''There are some places in Haiti that haven't even got a radio, let alone an i-pod to listen to me on.....can you believe that....imagine what it must be like not to be able to hear my music!'' said the self righteous Port Vale supporter. ''I plan not to stop raising money until every home in Haiti is back to normal, then the least they could do to repay me is to buy my new album 'The Dick is back In Town'....''.

One of the victims of the earthquake, Oscar Cardozo, who lost his home in the disaster, was flown over to enjoy the match and appeared on ITV with Robbie Williams in the studio with presenter Dermot O'Leary before the game.

Williams said ''Honestly Dermot, people like this little fella here, a little homeless fella like Oscar have lost everything. I mean its bad enough to lose your home......... but your entire record collection....nightmare scenario.....unless you had Gary Barlow's solo album 'Open Road'....eh Oscar..haha'' he chuckled as he gave Cardozo a playful punch.

''But seriously Dermie, I plan not to rest until Oscar here and all his compatriots all have at the very least a CD player to hear me on!.....that's a promise''.

''Wow, that's great news there from the Robster, eh Oscar!?'' said O'Leary enthusiastically

''I told mister Robbie he really really didn't have to do that, we'd rather he didn't!!'' pleaded the Haitian.

The match itself ended 2-2, leading to a penalty shootout which The Rest Of The World team won 8-7. The scorer of the winning penalty then surprisingly earned an call up to his country's World Cup squad!.

The player in question was star of Kingpin Woody Harrelson, who only played 7 minutes of the second half and immediately got drafted into the USA squad by manager Bob Bradley, who claimed ''He's easily the best player I've seen since Sly Stallone.'' The ex Cheers buffoon scored the winning penalty despite having to be told where the penalty spot was, slotting the ball past the England keeper Jamie Theakston, who had previously saved 4 penalties......all by accident.

Robbie Williams summed up the evenings entertainment. ''Its just great to get some charity publicity for the charity and for me. I mean where else could you get Zidane, Ryan Giggs, Mike Myers, Woody Harrelson and a tramp to play football together''.

''A tramp? wheres the tramp Robbie?'' asked O'Leary

''That fella in the hat!'' replied the singer

''That's Ricky Hatton!'' claimed the X factor presenter

''Is it?, the one who's been tucking into the sausage rolls all day?....I thought he was a homeless''

The England teams manager Harry 'the tax evader' Redknapp spoke to Sports In Shorts after the game.

''Ok, so it wasn't a great game but at least Olly Murs has found something he's good at, and by missing his penalty Paddy McGuiness has finally done something funny on telly!''. Said the hound faced Spurs manager before he had to go, as he needed fly to South Africa to sign constant transfer target Jermain Defoe, whom he hasn't yet signed in this transfer window.

Fabregas to play in World Cup ''with broken everything'' says Spanish doctor

Would be Barcelona bench sitter Cesc Fabregas (pictured above playing in his usual position of injured) has been selected for Spain's World Cup squad despite being diagnosed with having ''a broken everything!'' by Spanish team doctor Emilio Santiago.

''I have never seen a player with as many injuries!?'' said Santiago at yesterdays Spanish team press conference just before the squad jetted off to Cape Town.

''He's got at least 2 broken legs that we know of, a disintegrated achilles, an unsatisfied ankle, malicious knee trouble and a lazy left foot......he's just got a broken everything!''.

Despite having nearly every major injury a footballer dreads, he has still been selected because manager Luis Aragones only other option of cover was Marcos Senna of Villareal, a player he has never forgiven for being black!.

Aragones told the Spanish press ''He (Fabregas) may be injured but at least with him you know what you're gonna get......a younger less greasy version of Peter Andre!!....but still the voice of an angel..........and he's not black''.

Arsenal yesterday turned down a reported offer from Barcelona of £35 million for Fabregas, which Arsene Wenger commented on from his Miami hotel where he is currently supporting The Pussycat Dolls on their North American tour.

''We have no intention of selling Le Cesc, I hope Barcelona stop flirting with him like he is a cheap suit. There is no way I want £35 million to spend in the summer...I'd be forced to buy somebody decent!....now, if you excuse me, I must go work on my set list.''

Capello selects 'Owen Goal' as 4th striker

Wrinkled Italian Fabio Capello (pictured above waving goodbye to Theo Walcott) has shocked the football world by selecting a striker that by his own admission he ''knows little about''.

The player in question is Chesham United forward Owen Goal, who is said to be ''delighted but not surprised'' at his inclusion in the World Cup squad and was also quick to rubbish reports that the only reason he had been selected was because his name sounds a little bit like Own goal, a player who has served Capello well in his reign as England head coach.

''To be honest, I think my call up has come 4 years too late, in 2006 I had a cracking season scoring 14 goals but Sven overlooked me back then. I'm just glad to be going to a World Cup!'' said the confident Ryman league player yesterday, following the announcement.

When questioned over the rumours circulating that his call up had just been an admin error, Goal said ''Naa mate, 9 goals in the Ryman League speaks for itself. He (Capello) isn't daft, he knows a prolific striker when he sees one and he's seen me and he obviously likes what he sees!''

After a few moments hesitation he concluded ''Ok, so he hasn't seen me playing that often this season but I bet he's heard good things from me mates down the Fox and Goose!''.

Speaking inconclusively to Sports In Shorts Capello talked about the surprise selection.

''I was very impressed with Own Goal, the way he took his 2 goals against Japan was very impressive. He reminded me of a young Toto Schillaci.''

Shortly after this, Capello was told that he had selected Chesham's Goal, and he reacted by saying.

''Oh fiddle the sticks, I'm always doing this!. I am such a buttery fingers eh!?. I told my secretary to always check my spelling. Its my handywriting, its very messy you see!. This wouldn't have happened if the F and A would have brought me that Laptop computer I saw for sale at Makro.....£256 plus VAT, you cannot beat that price!. I knew it would pay for itself!''

Goal has been installed as the bookmakers favorite to finish as England's top scorer in the tournament.

Commentators dealt a blow as player with funny name not selected!

French defender Rod Fanni (above) has not been selected by their eccentric manager Raymond Domenech for their World Cup squad. This move has upset many commentators from every English speaking country attending the upcoming tournament who saw the Stade Rennes defenders name as mildly amusing and easy to make a pun about.

''You need players with names like his in tournaments. Commentating may sound interesting and sexy but the reality is you have to spend a lot of time with Mick McCarthy, which can drag you down after a while!. You need funny names to keep you interested.'' commented BBC's Steve Wilson.

He went on to say ''I'm gutted he's not going because I've got loads of fanny related gags and puns which I wanted to use. Like Fanni licked for pace or he really put it up Fanni or Fanni was open wide and willing to receive!. So now I've got to get the squad lists out and see where the other funny names are......theres gotta be a South Korean eh!?.....its a pity Jamaica aren't here, they have a player called Ivor Hardon.''

Wilson's BBC colleague John Motson also spoke on the subject. ''Incidentally, he would have been the first player called Fanni to have played in the FIFA World Cup and everybody knows there are at least a couple of dicks in the England squad!.''