Burnley to be re-nickmaned ''The non stop losers''

Soon not to be Premier League outfit Burnley, have changed their club nickname by deed poll to 'cash in' on their losing run!.

The Lancashire team who have lost 10 of their last 9 games took the decision after yet another loss last Sunday to Liverpool. Manager Brian Laws [pictured above] spoke to Sports In Shorts after the 4-0 defeat.

''It's a right laugh here at Burnley to be honest!, the management don't really take it seriously and neither do the board.........I mean if they did, why would they have appointed me??....I'm gonna be the only manager to have relegated 2 teams in the same season if Sheffield Wednesday get relemergated as well!. If they do, I did the donkey work for it so I don't want Alan (Irvine) to get the credit!.

So we just have a laugh with it, a couple of us got lagered up in Wetherspoon's and went down to the deed poll office and changed the nickname from 'The Clarets' to 'The Non Stop Losers'......how goods that!!!.....only cost me £36 as well.....reet bargain!.....and the way I see it is, if we're called 'The Non Stop Losers' how can I be fired if we lose??.......it's our nickname!!....gettit?''.

For the last couple of games I'm gonna play Graham Alexander in goal and Brian Jensen up front as well, you know...have a bit of a laugh with it....... football takes itself too seriously, at least here I can just be myself.......a right joker.........honestly, I'm mental, ask anyone here!. Whilst I was down there I also changed my name to Brain Lawmaker''.

Roy Carroll claims ''In Denmark I'm considered a good keeper!?!''

Former Manchester United goal conceder Roy Carroll, has claimed in an interview with FourFourTwo magazine that he has not taken a backward step by joining the Danish Super League outfit Odense BK!?!.

The Northern Irish keeper is probably best known for preventing 'the goal that never was' (pictured above) when playing for Man Utd against Tottenham Hotspur in 2005. Spurs midfielder Pedro Mendes took a shot from the halfway line which beat Carroll who backpeddled and pushed the ball back out of the goal. The referee and linesman failed to give the goal even though it was at least 2 weeks over the line!.

But in the summer of 2009 after leaving Derby County, Carroll failed to find an English based club who thought he was worth paying, so he took up an offer from the Danish team who immediately made him the most well paid player in their history.

''Here in Denmark, there are a number of things to get used to....for example, they drive on the opposite side of the road, they have winter for 9 months of the year, it's a criminal offense to publicly criticise 'Great Dane' and national hero Peter Schmeichel, but the wages of £120 a week after Danish tax make it all worth while.......... but I suppose the most difficult thing to adjust to over here was the fact that here I am considered a decent keeper!?!.

Many people back home might be thinking that I've taken a backward step by moving to Denmark but you've got to remember.....I've played at Wigan!!......once you've been there...anywhere you go will be paradise!!''.

EU directive passed to make French Cricket replace Cricket

The world of cricket is set to radically change over the next 5 years following a new law passed in Brussels which labels the sport of Cricket in it's current form as 'racist' and 'non European'.

The new directive came after a complaint was raised by the French government at an EU Sports & Leisure conference saying that the Cricket playing nations of the world but mainly only the English, were ridiculing France for their version of the game which is commonly played using the batsman's legs as the wicket and a baguette as a bat! (pictured above).

Far too complicated!

The EU found in favor of France, stating that all current forms of Cricket were 'racist towards Europe', 'non European',and 'far too complicated'. So from 2015 'Cricket' will be phased out and replaced by 'French Cricket' which will be renamed 'Euro Cricket' or 'Le whack le ball game avec le baton baguette'.

In addition there will be several other major changes:

1) All bowling to be underarm and slow to give Gran's a chance of hitting the ball.
2) Games never to last longer than 25 minutes as 'working time regulations' could be broken if played any longer without a break.
3) Tennis balls to be used instead of Cricket balls as they are far too hard and dangerous.
4) All games to be played on beaches.

Absolute Disgrace!

The planned changes have caused a huge wave of disapproval from Cricket aficionado's, including professional Yorkshire man Sir Geoffrey Boycott. Speaking from his mouth in his broad Yorkshire accent he said, ''It's an absolute disgrace!, them bloody French are ruining the sport that I ruined years ago in the 1980's!. They want to mind their own croissants!. You can't play Cricket in France!!........, that's like playing beach volleyball in Barnsley!.........its political correctness gone bi-polar......Fred Trueman's ashes will be spinning in their grave!!''.

O'Sullivan may NOT quit Snooker this year!?!

The world of snooker has been rocked by the news that Ronnie O'Sullivan will NOT be falling out of love with the game and quitting this year.

Annual Tradition

O'Sullivan (34) has made it an annual tradition to claim he has lost interest and love for the pub game, usually after he gets knocked out of the World Championships. But the man from Essex has admitted in an interview with Sports In Shorts that he longer has the interest and love for losing interest and falling out of love.

Speaking to our South Yorkshire reporter Corey Lavender from the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield O'Sullivan spoke about his decision.

''It's not that I don't love not loving snooker anymore, I just don't feel the same level of love for losing the love of the game at the moment!. I'm not saying this is going to last forever, I might have regained the enthusiasm for losing enthusiasm next year.....who can tell?!?. I just need to take time out from taking time out of the so called sport, concentrate on playing, and maybe next year I'll be fed up with not being fed up and quit the game again''.

O'Sullivan has quit the game on no fewer than five occasions, all of which have been after humiliating defeats at the showpiece Sheffield tournament. But on each occasion he has returned to the game with a new found optimism for a month or so, but even O' Sullivan's family have noticed a change in the self proclaimed 'Essex Depressionator'.

Killer Dad

His heavily tanned mother Maria has always taken the blame for O'Sullivan's many problems. Speaking last night she said ''I feel responsible for Ronnie's mental problems, if I hadn't have got involved with his gangster killing Dad he might have been normal stable lad,....but I suppose that ideally if his Dad hadn't gone out killing people then he might not be so highly strung........... but you live and learn don't you!?!, but I've definitely seen a change in Ronnie this year, he's different and has lost the interest of losing interest.....he's growing up!''.

Leaders TV debate sparks war of words over Zamora!

The second televised Prime ministerial debate between the leaders of the main UK political parties and Nick Clegg, sparked an angry exchange over the differing views held over whether or not Fulham's Bobby Zamora should be included in England's World Cup squad.

Audience member William Sowter asked the question ''With the World Cup approaching, who would you all pick as the 4th forward in England's squad?''. Ringmaster Adam Boulton asked Gordon Brown to answer first.

Crouch gives you growth

''Walter, you are probably like me and really think that stability is what we, and when I say WE I mean England because I DO want England to win the World Series Cup games in South America, we need. If you're after a good performance then you SHOULDN'T pick someone like Peter Crouch, but if you want results and growth then Peter is surely the man to go for?. Now isn't the time to risk falling into football obscurity again, and picking someone like Bobby Zamora would jeopardise our national football climate. With Crouchy, you get height, stature, Abby Clancy and the robot dance, with Bobby Zamora you get the barn door being missed and embarrassing songs like ''When the ball hits your head and you're sat in row Z, that's Zamora''. For real results...pick Peter Crouch!''.

Lies

Next to speak was David Cameron. ''Firstly, can I just say this whilst looking straight down the camera and looking shiny-er than ever......, Hi it's me Dave, what the men , women and black community are telling me as I meet them up and down this great country of ours is that they want change, and by 'change' I mean 'not the same', and by 'not the same' I mean NOT Peter Crouch. This government need to make difficult decisions, and they are failing you by telling you they want Peter Crouch to go to South Africa. The lies they have been spreading about a Conservative government wanting to pick Michael Owen are scandalous to say the least. Our manifesto clearly states that we should pick an Englishman wherever possible for the England team unless absolutely necessary, and the WILD rumours saying my Party would bring back the old players of the 90's are so wide of the mark...Peter Crouch could have kicked it himself!. A vote for Conservative is a vote for guaranteed goals....vote Zamora!'' he said looking really pleased with himself.

Bickering

Lastly Nick Clegg addressed the subject. ''Walter, if I can call you that?, I've got some inside knowledge on this subject, as I did work experience for the FA when Sven Goran Erikkson was in charge. And Walter, if you don't mind me saying that?, ........these two remind me of Lawro and Hansen bickering on Match Of The Day!, of course we shouldn't pick Michael Owen, of course we shouldn't pick Bobby Zamora, and of course we shouldn't pick Peter Crouch!. We in the Liberal Democrats Walter ....if I can mention you again?........believe that WHY make this decision yet?. We have 6 weeks left until the squad needs to be announced, so why make the decision yet?. Consider all the options like Emile Heskey, Kevin Davies or Kevin Phillips and let the best player win. So if I could answer the question that Walter asked in the first place........we in the liberal Democrats would not pick anyone for the squad''.

Neville and Scholes come clean over relationship!

Manchester United's Gary Neville and Paul Scholes have come clean about their 'friendship' after they 'forgot themselves' and let themselves go too far in front of the Eastlands crowd last Saturday.

Embraced

Scholes who scored in the 93rd minute to snatch a last minute winner over their rivals Manchester City ran straight to Neville and the two embraced (pictured above) before Gary grabbed Scholes and started furiously kissing the gingerman.

Speaking after the game Scholes, who is notoriously a man of few words mumbled ''Ball came in, me headed it, it went in,...ran to Gary, he kissed me''. But Neville spoke more affectionately about the clinch. ''Scholesy is a ruddy beauty isn't he!?, seeing him score the winner.....man, I just wanted to eat the little fella up...you think that was a kiss?, you should see what I'll do to him tonight!''.

Theres not many men I'd let kiss me

Scholes who rarely gives interviews spoke last night to our Manchester correspondent ''Gary's a good kisser, definitely one of the best I've ever had.....it's his moustache that makes him more manly I reckon?!?. Theres not many men I'd let kiss me, but if the likes of Gary or his brothers Phil or Franck want to snog you.....you don't let moments like that pass!''.

ECB chief admits ''County Championship is as pointless as Deal or No Deal!''

The chairman of the English Cricket board Giles Clarke has admitted in an interview with Sports In Shorts that the English County Championship is ''as pointless as Deal or No Deal!''.

Jazzing Up

Speaking yesterday, Clarke said ''It's difficult to know what to do with our County Championship to make it more popular???, do we merge some teams together so there are less counties so therefore less matches?, do we make games last only 2 days instead of 4......I mean who in their right mind wants to sit through 4 days of that dross??....not me, that's who...... another idea we had was to jazz it up by 'glamming' teams up in fancy dress...so Derbyshire might play dressed as the YMCA boys against Glamorgan, who might be dressed as say.... the Spice Girls.....all these ideas are being considered at the moment. One things for sure, as it stands the County Championship is as pointless as Deal or No Deal!.....which makes me Noel Edmond's I guess'?!?!''.

Suffering

Cricket in England is also suffering from the money available in the Indian Premier League, which means that Counties are finding their best players are preferring to play in India at the start of the English season rather than their regular team. Clarke also has ideas of how to solve this problem. ''Ahhh the IPL..... now thats made our job in England difficult.....how can we compete?.......we could start the EPL perhaps?, or we could invade India again and make it...like...another England......like an England 2 if you like...just like the old days......except with better weather and crowded trains...... but the easiest thing to do is probably just scare our players into not going by saying terrorists will bomb them if they go!''.