Leaders TV debate sparks war of words over Zamora!

The second televised Prime ministerial debate between the leaders of the main UK political parties and Nick Clegg, sparked an angry exchange over the differing views held over whether or not Fulham's Bobby Zamora should be included in England's World Cup squad.

Audience member William Sowter asked the question ''With the World Cup approaching, who would you all pick as the 4th forward in England's squad?''. Ringmaster Adam Boulton asked Gordon Brown to answer first.

Crouch gives you growth

''Walter, you are probably like me and really think that stability is what we, and when I say WE I mean England because I DO want England to win the World Series Cup games in South America, we need. If you're after a good performance then you SHOULDN'T pick someone like Peter Crouch, but if you want results and growth then Peter is surely the man to go for?. Now isn't the time to risk falling into football obscurity again, and picking someone like Bobby Zamora would jeopardise our national football climate. With Crouchy, you get height, stature, Abby Clancy and the robot dance, with Bobby Zamora you get the barn door being missed and embarrassing songs like ''When the ball hits your head and you're sat in row Z, that's Zamora''. For real results...pick Peter Crouch!''.

Lies

Next to speak was David Cameron. ''Firstly, can I just say this whilst looking straight down the camera and looking shiny-er than ever......, Hi it's me Dave, what the men , women and black community are telling me as I meet them up and down this great country of ours is that they want change, and by 'change' I mean 'not the same', and by 'not the same' I mean NOT Peter Crouch. This government need to make difficult decisions, and they are failing you by telling you they want Peter Crouch to go to South Africa. The lies they have been spreading about a Conservative government wanting to pick Michael Owen are scandalous to say the least. Our manifesto clearly states that we should pick an Englishman wherever possible for the England team unless absolutely necessary, and the WILD rumours saying my Party would bring back the old players of the 90's are so wide of the mark...Peter Crouch could have kicked it himself!. A vote for Conservative is a vote for guaranteed goals....vote Zamora!'' he said looking really pleased with himself.

Bickering

Lastly Nick Clegg addressed the subject. ''Walter, if I can call you that?, I've got some inside knowledge on this subject, as I did work experience for the FA when Sven Goran Erikkson was in charge. And Walter, if you don't mind me saying that?, ........these two remind me of Lawro and Hansen bickering on Match Of The Day!, of course we shouldn't pick Michael Owen, of course we shouldn't pick Bobby Zamora, and of course we shouldn't pick Peter Crouch!. We in the Liberal Democrats Walter ....if I can mention you again?........believe that WHY make this decision yet?. We have 6 weeks left until the squad needs to be announced, so why make the decision yet?. Consider all the options like Emile Heskey, Kevin Davies or Kevin Phillips and let the best player win. So if I could answer the question that Walter asked in the first place........we in the liberal Democrats would not pick anyone for the squad''.

Neville and Scholes come clean over relationship!

Manchester United's Gary Neville and Paul Scholes have come clean about their 'friendship' after they 'forgot themselves' and let themselves go too far in front of the Eastlands crowd last Saturday.

Embraced

Scholes who scored in the 93rd minute to snatch a last minute winner over their rivals Manchester City ran straight to Neville and the two embraced (pictured above) before Gary grabbed Scholes and started furiously kissing the gingerman.

Speaking after the game Scholes, who is notoriously a man of few words mumbled ''Ball came in, me headed it, it went in,...ran to Gary, he kissed me''. But Neville spoke more affectionately about the clinch. ''Scholesy is a ruddy beauty isn't he!?, seeing him score the winner.....man, I just wanted to eat the little fella up...you think that was a kiss?, you should see what I'll do to him tonight!''.

Theres not many men I'd let kiss me

Scholes who rarely gives interviews spoke last night to our Manchester correspondent ''Gary's a good kisser, definitely one of the best I've ever had.....it's his moustache that makes him more manly I reckon?!?. Theres not many men I'd let kiss me, but if the likes of Gary or his brothers Phil or Franck want to snog you.....you don't let moments like that pass!''.

ECB chief admits ''County Championship is as pointless as Deal or No Deal!''

The chairman of the English Cricket board Giles Clarke has admitted in an interview with Sports In Shorts that the English County Championship is ''as pointless as Deal or No Deal!''.

Jazzing Up

Speaking yesterday, Clarke said ''It's difficult to know what to do with our County Championship to make it more popular???, do we merge some teams together so there are less counties so therefore less matches?, do we make games last only 2 days instead of 4......I mean who in their right mind wants to sit through 4 days of that dross??....not me, that's who...... another idea we had was to jazz it up by 'glamming' teams up in fancy dress...so Derbyshire might play dressed as the YMCA boys against Glamorgan, who might be dressed as say.... the Spice Girls.....all these ideas are being considered at the moment. One things for sure, as it stands the County Championship is as pointless as Deal or No Deal!.....which makes me Noel Edmond's I guess'?!?!''.

Suffering

Cricket in England is also suffering from the money available in the Indian Premier League, which means that Counties are finding their best players are preferring to play in India at the start of the English season rather than their regular team. Clarke also has ideas of how to solve this problem. ''Ahhh the IPL..... now thats made our job in England difficult.....how can we compete?.......we could start the EPL perhaps?, or we could invade India again and make it...like...another England......like an England 2 if you like...just like the old days......except with better weather and crowded trains...... but the easiest thing to do is probably just scare our players into not going by saying terrorists will bomb them if they go!''.

Radio Five's Mike Ingham blasts Taylor's expert analysis!

Graham Taylor the ex manager of Aston Villa was attacked verbally on air on Saturday evening by his colleague and chief football reporter Mike Ingham.

Taylor , who was once likened to a garden vegetable by The Sun newspaper (irony) , gave some of the best punditary ever heard on British radio as the summariser on the Tottenham Hotspur versus Chelsea Premier League game.

Expert Analysis

With Chelsea 2-0 down to Spurs and 10 minutes left on the clock, Taylor said ''Mike (Ingham) Chelsea are 2-0 down, if they want to win, they'll have to score 3 goals! Fact....'' Ingham responded by saying ''Well....yes, that goes without saying I suppose Graham doesn't it??'' before Taylor quipped ''But Mike, what you're not thinking about is, if Chelsea don't score in the next 10 minutes, they won't have scored in this game!''.
''Well, yes,....again..... thats obvious isn't it Graham..anyone could say that, we need expert analysis from you, not spurting out bleeding obvious crap like that......you're quite the football philosopher aren't you!?!'' Ingham said with more than a hint of sarcasm. ''Thanks Mike'' the ex England boss added.

Insane Ramblings

At full time after Frank Lampard had given Chelsea hope with a late goal, Taylor annoyed his colleague again with yet more insane ramblings. ''Mike, it's looking more and more likely that Chelsea won't get anything from this game'' he said. Ingham fired back ''Of course they won't get anything from this game.....it's over.....full time......when that man in the black blows his feckin whistle.....thats it...game over...no more!''. ''Mike, I think it's worth pointing to the viewers on the radio back home or in their motor vehicles, that John Terry getting sent off today meant that Chelsea could only play with ten players!, compared with Spurs being able to play with eleven......so thats one more player........but when they start their next game they will more likely than not start with eleven players again.....sendings off only last for the game it happens in, so they shouldn't get surprised by that!''.

Taylor concluded the summing up of the match by saying, ''Spurs have secured a vital win today which could well mean they have won another 3 points, whereas Chelsea will have to take the no points they won today and hope it will be enough at the end of the day which in this case is a season''.

Van Persie says ''I can't be arsed with raping anymore!''

Arsenal's frail striker Robin Van Persie (pictured above) has admitted that for the first time in his life he no longer feels the need to go out raping!.

Gone a bit Noel Edmunds!

The Dutchman came to this decision whilst recuperating from the latest in a long line of injury lay offs. Speaking to our North London correspondent Van Persie spoke of his decision. ''If you'd have asked me 5 years ago that I'd be given up the raping, I'd have said you'd 'gone a bit Noel Edmunds', but it's honestly the way I feel!. I've had a long time on the treatment table and a lot of time on my own, and it's times like that you realise that no matter how much money you've got, women just don't want to hang round with rapists...fact!''.

Can't be arsed with raping anymore!

Van Persie then went on to describe some of the inspiration behind his decision, ''I was sat there watching Loose Women when it hit me, I thought if Kieron Dyer can give up spit-roasting, Steven Gerrard can give up DJ punching, David Pleat can stop curb crawling and Glenn Hoddle can give up insulting disabled's....then why the hell can't I stop raping!?!. So from that day I've just stopped!, I know the experts tell you that you shouldn't just give up altogether or you might go 'cold chicken', but it seems to have worked for me. I just can't be arsed with raping anymore......it's so 2004!!''.

The forward used to average 5 or 6 rapes a week in his peak and in 2006 won the unwanted title of 'Dutch Raper Of The Year' but he insists those days are behind him. ''I've turned over a new branch, from now on all my raping is going to be done on the pitch, and by raping I mean scoring........of goals in the hole...I mean net.....goals in the net''.

Van Persie made a successful comeback from injury last night in the North London derby against Tottenham Hotspur, and a visit to Spearmint Rhino's afterwards also passed without any major incidents.

Woods injures wrist whilst watching Babestation!

Tiger Woods has sustained a 'nasty wrist injury' whilst 'minding his own business' in his Augusta hotel room.

The shamed golf club swinger had retired to his suite at the Lusty Palms Hotel Complex after his first day on any golf course in 5 months, but within 30 minutes he had called for emergency help saying he had 'gotten a cramp in my trigger fingers!'.

Old Habits

When the news first broke last night many feared that Woods had lapsed into his old habit of luring waitresses into his room, but his agent Bunny Powers 'assured' fans that nobody else was involved and it was a 'purrfectly innocent' injury which could have happened to anybody. Powers said this to the gathering media at the hotel. ''I just want to assure fans that Tiger is ok, there was nobody else with him when his wrist got injured, it was just a perfectly innocent injury sustained when he realised that he had accidentally turned the Babestation channel on his television!. He was so desperate to change the channel away from the scantily clad bed ridden writhing girls it was showing, that he was too heavy handed with his remote control''.

Furious Tugging

Powers went on to say ''Tiger told me that no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't achieve a successful channel change and it was then that he decided to take the batteries out of the remote!. He tugged furiously at the battery section of the controller but still no reaction!''.

Going at it like a Tom Cat

Powers finished by saying ''Tiger admitted to me that he feels that he has let himself down for injuring himself in this way, he told me himself that he was going at his controller like a tomcat but he just couldn't shift it!''.

Woods is no longer favorite to claim the Augusta title with the injury expected to hamper his swinging for some time to come.

Ribery meets long lost brother!

Sports In Shorts can sensationally reveal that the long suspected lost 'third Neville brother' is none other than Bayern Munich's face for the radio Franck Ribery!! (pictured above using the photo he provided to www.Lovematch.com).

When the boys were babies, parents Neville and Mary Neville realised they couldn't cope with 3 boys who all had that 'lost vacant look!', so they offered the worse one up for adoption. A French family took the young boy and they named him Franck, and he grew up not knowing he was adopted, in rural France.

The Neville boys Dad, Neville spoke to Sports In Shorts after Wednesday's Manchester United game with Bayern Munich. ''It was a huge shock to find out that the little lad we let go as a baby is Franck Ribery!. If we'd known he was going to be the talented one, we'd have given away Gary or Phil....and kept the skillful one, It's too late now isn't it...... to take him back I mean!?!''.

You can tell it's him though, he's got his mothers scar and everything!!'', Neville added.

Gary, Phil (who had gone to Germany with Dad Neville) and Franck had an awkward meeting after the game, with Gary saying ''Soooo.....you like football then?'', Franck replied ''Yez, I like le football very much!''. ''Me and Phil like defending...don't we Phil!?'' Gary said with authority ''Ummm yeah!?!'' a be wilded Phil added before saying ''Wait Gaz..... which ones defending again?''. ''Shut up Phil....don't embarrass us... Dad, Phil's embarrassing me!'' Gary whinged, before Ribery went on to say ''Defending!?, non, I prefer le attacking and le scoring of le goals''.

There are no further plans for the boys to get together, with Ribery telling friends he feels hanging around with the Neville lads may make him hated at every ground he plays at......even when he's at home!.