Van Persie says ''I can't be arsed with raping anymore!''

Arsenal's frail striker Robin Van Persie (pictured above) has admitted that for the first time in his life he no longer feels the need to go out raping!.

Gone a bit Noel Edmunds!

The Dutchman came to this decision whilst recuperating from the latest in a long line of injury lay offs. Speaking to our North London correspondent Van Persie spoke of his decision. ''If you'd have asked me 5 years ago that I'd be given up the raping, I'd have said you'd 'gone a bit Noel Edmunds', but it's honestly the way I feel!. I've had a long time on the treatment table and a lot of time on my own, and it's times like that you realise that no matter how much money you've got, women just don't want to hang round with rapists...fact!''.

Can't be arsed with raping anymore!

Van Persie then went on to describe some of the inspiration behind his decision, ''I was sat there watching Loose Women when it hit me, I thought if Kieron Dyer can give up spit-roasting, Steven Gerrard can give up DJ punching, David Pleat can stop curb crawling and Glenn Hoddle can give up insulting disabled's....then why the hell can't I stop raping!?!. So from that day I've just stopped!, I know the experts tell you that you shouldn't just give up altogether or you might go 'cold chicken', but it seems to have worked for me. I just can't be arsed with raping anymore......it's so 2004!!''.

The forward used to average 5 or 6 rapes a week in his peak and in 2006 won the unwanted title of 'Dutch Raper Of The Year' but he insists those days are behind him. ''I've turned over a new branch, from now on all my raping is going to be done on the pitch, and by raping I mean scoring........of goals in the hole...I mean net.....goals in the net''.

Van Persie made a successful comeback from injury last night in the North London derby against Tottenham Hotspur, and a visit to Spearmint Rhino's afterwards also passed without any major incidents.

Woods injures wrist whilst watching Babestation!

Tiger Woods has sustained a 'nasty wrist injury' whilst 'minding his own business' in his Augusta hotel room.

The shamed golf club swinger had retired to his suite at the Lusty Palms Hotel Complex after his first day on any golf course in 5 months, but within 30 minutes he had called for emergency help saying he had 'gotten a cramp in my trigger fingers!'.

Old Habits

When the news first broke last night many feared that Woods had lapsed into his old habit of luring waitresses into his room, but his agent Bunny Powers 'assured' fans that nobody else was involved and it was a 'purrfectly innocent' injury which could have happened to anybody. Powers said this to the gathering media at the hotel. ''I just want to assure fans that Tiger is ok, there was nobody else with him when his wrist got injured, it was just a perfectly innocent injury sustained when he realised that he had accidentally turned the Babestation channel on his television!. He was so desperate to change the channel away from the scantily clad bed ridden writhing girls it was showing, that he was too heavy handed with his remote control''.

Furious Tugging

Powers went on to say ''Tiger told me that no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't achieve a successful channel change and it was then that he decided to take the batteries out of the remote!. He tugged furiously at the battery section of the controller but still no reaction!''.

Going at it like a Tom Cat

Powers finished by saying ''Tiger admitted to me that he feels that he has let himself down for injuring himself in this way, he told me himself that he was going at his controller like a tomcat but he just couldn't shift it!''.

Woods is no longer favorite to claim the Augusta title with the injury expected to hamper his swinging for some time to come.

Ribery meets long lost brother!

Sports In Shorts can sensationally reveal that the long suspected lost 'third Neville brother' is none other than Bayern Munich's face for the radio Franck Ribery!! (pictured above using the photo he provided to www.Lovematch.com).

When the boys were babies, parents Neville and Mary Neville realised they couldn't cope with 3 boys who all had that 'lost vacant look!', so they offered the worse one up for adoption. A French family took the young boy and they named him Franck, and he grew up not knowing he was adopted, in rural France.

The Neville boys Dad, Neville spoke to Sports In Shorts after Wednesday's Manchester United game with Bayern Munich. ''It was a huge shock to find out that the little lad we let go as a baby is Franck Ribery!. If we'd known he was going to be the talented one, we'd have given away Gary or Phil....and kept the skillful one, It's too late now isn't it...... to take him back I mean!?!''.

You can tell it's him though, he's got his mothers scar and everything!!'', Neville added.

Gary, Phil (who had gone to Germany with Dad Neville) and Franck had an awkward meeting after the game, with Gary saying ''Soooo.....you like football then?'', Franck replied ''Yez, I like le football very much!''. ''Me and Phil like defending...don't we Phil!?'' Gary said with authority ''Ummm yeah!?!'' a be wilded Phil added before saying ''Wait Gaz..... which ones defending again?''. ''Shut up Phil....don't embarrass us... Dad, Phil's embarrassing me!'' Gary whinged, before Ribery went on to say ''Defending!?, non, I prefer le attacking and le scoring of le goals''.

There are no further plans for the boys to get together, with Ribery telling friends he feels hanging around with the Neville lads may make him hated at every ground he plays at......even when he's at home!.

Ji Sung Park boldly goes where no South Korean has gone before!

Manchester United's South Korean midfielder Ji Sung Park (above) has recently revealed the secrets to his footballing success.

Last week Park spoke of how his mum Maureen used to feed him 'frog juice' when he was little, to help build him into the 5ft 6'' man he is today. But this week he has revealed that his Dad, Dave had an even more profound effect on his life!.

Speaking to Sports In Shorts Park explained how. ''My Dad wanted me to have success in life but also with humility, which is why he taught me the ways of the 'Vulcan's'!.
He made me watch every episode of Star Trek and every film they made.......even that dreadful Wrath Of Khan rubbish!, and I soon realised that I wanted to be just like Mr Spock!.

Not only was he clever but he had special powers as well, I haven't discovered my own special power yet but Dad says it could be any day now!. So when I'm not in my Man U top, you'll always find me wearing blue, that's why I always play better when we're away!....plus I never say 'goodbye', I always say 'live long and prosper' and I got my hair done just like my hero too!''.

Park isn't the first sportsman to emulate their favorite film star, Eric Cantona famously played out a scene from 'Karate Kid 5 - Selhurst Park Showdown' in 1995 when he got sent off for Man Utd against Crystal Palace. As he walked past a well wishing fan on his way to the tunnel, Cantona got the wrong end of the stick with what the fan was saying and flew at the poor man 'leg first'.

David Platt is a fan of the film 'Super size Me', and can be found at fast food joints near any ground he is working on for Sky Sports as he tries to fatten himself up for Christmas!. Our reporter caught up with David last Sunday in Burnley when he said, ''Can't talk....eating....are you gonna have those chips?''.

Bad things come to Lewis Hamilton In 3's!

McClaren's second best driver Lewis Hamilton has had a week he would like to forget about, with 3 things going wrong for the ex World Champion!.

Firstly, on the Thursday before the Australian Grand Prix in Melbourne, the young British driver was caught speeding in his hire car on the streets of the city.
When asked his name, Hamilton said he was called 'Jenson', however a quick witted policeman was suspicious of this as the name on the helmet of the driver said 'Lewis Hamilton', it also had Hamilton's name splashed on the side of the car, all this in addition to Hamilton's photo on the bonnet of the car did not fool the arresting officer James Kilbride, who arrested Hamilton for speeding and impersonating a decent driver.

Secondly, in the main race on Sunday, Hamilton only finished in an embarrassing 5th place with his teammate and rival Jenson Button winning to take maximum points. A despondent Hamilton said after the race ''It's not my fault it's my teams fault...I'm the youngest Formula One champion ever, so it's highly unlikely to be my fault....It's their fault, It's them cos they didn't make my car faster than the other ones.......how can I win if it's not faster!!....derrrr''. He was then asked how the relationship was between him and his compatriot Button? ''Button's not better than me!?!'' Hamilton quipped back to the asking reporter.

The final act of bad luck to fall on young Lewis was perhaps the most important and serious of all. His mum phoned him on Sunday night to say that Blockbuster Video had been in touch saying their records showed that he still had a VHS copy of Driving Miss Daisy borrowed 7 years ago. The fine has amounted to £65'000 if settled immediately, but a source close to Hamilton has it that he has 'no idea' where the video is.

He did comment on the video to a passing reporter today however, saying ''I don't feckin believe it, what else is gonna go wrong!!?!, it wasn't even that good....someone told me it was about cars and shit......but there wasn't even a single car chase!!.....rubbish!''.

New Zealand FA appoint new National team manager!

The New Zealand FA have appointed a new manager following the recent sacking of Ricky Herbert. Herbert guided the 'All whites' to the World Cup Finals to be held in South Africa later this year, but was sacked after 'an incident' with team mascot Terry the Sheep!.

The new boss Murray Hewitt (pictured above signing his contract), has joined the NZFA from his previous job as Deputy Attache at the New Zealand consulates office in New York. After Herbert he is the next most experienced football brain in New Zealand, having coached at a summer camp to raise extra cash during his stay in America.

Hewitt has already stamped his authority on the squad by introducing 'roll calls' at team meetings every day, by banning all team members from talking to Australians and by organising the band he manages in New York to record the New Zealand football song for the World Cup, tentatively titled 'Who wants to rock the football party?'

Hewitt speaking to Sports In Shorts said ''Wow,..... yes... really pleased to be the new football manager of the team, I organised a rugby tour once so this should be easy....looking forward to taking the guys to Africa.....wow, Africa.....safari's...imagine that!?!''.

Our reporter then asked who he felt was the best player in the squad. Hewitt replied '' Wow, they all seem so good?!?...ummm, let's see...... the man with the gloves who can catch things seems friendly...I didn't catch his name!?!''.

He was then asked what formation his team would be playing? ''I think we'll be going in with the 11 players on the grass with the glove man looking after the net area, then keep some on the side for emergencies!!'' Hewitt said positively.

New Zealand's odds of winning the tournament have increased from 500-1 to 2500 to 1.

Bleakley fails to mention Sport Relief water ski for over five minutes!

The One Shows Irish Lampard seducer Christine Bleakley, failed to mention her Cross Channel Sport Relief Water ski for over 5 minutes on last nights broadcast!.

The previous record for not mentioning the event was 2 minutes 34 seconds on Monday's show, but that was eclipsed last night (Wednesday) when neither she or Adrian Chiles talked about it for 5 minutes and 46 seconds!.

The 'non mentioning' was broken when Bleakley said ''Oh my god Adrian, have I mentioned that I just water skied across the channel!?! I don't want to repeat myself but I can't remember if I've mentioned it or not to the viewers?!?''. A weary Chiles responded with ''For pity's sake Christine, of course you've mentioned it....you always mention it,.......you haven't stopped mentioning it since you bloody tried to do it!!...then before you even attempted it you wouldn't stop mentioning that you were going to do it!''.

A visibly shocked Bleakley defended herself from her grumpy co host by saying ''Adrian, the only reason I've mentioned it is because I thought it was a worthy cause and would be a huge challenge for someone who's allergic to water!.........so when I did it I was proud of myself and the money I would raise for charity!''. ''Oh don't be stupid Christine, everybody knows you didn't do it!....they just picked you up in the boat after you couldn't keep yourself out the water at the beginning..........took you to the French coast, let you ski the last stretch and gave the idiot viewers the illusion you crossed the channel on your bloody water skis!!.... I should know cos I was there!!''.

A BBC spokesman spoke with Sports In Shorts after the accusation from Chiles. ''What Adrian said isn't true, he's just jealous that Christine's going out with Frank Lampard...he obviously still wants to jump her bones!, although it is company policy for her to mention her water ski challenge every 3 minutes at least, so she WILL get a warning for a 5 minute lapse!..... just like Chris Moyles got into trouble when he didn't mention climbing Mount Kilimanjaro for a similar time!''.