Bellamy picks fight with Bellamy!

Manchester City bully Craig Bellamy [pictured above chatting to a fan] last night got into a 'war of words' with his great rival and nemesis Craig Bellamy.

The Welsh striker was talking to Sky Sports reporter Andy Burton after Wednesday nights Premier League '4th place showdown' loss to Tottenham Hotspur when he launched an astonishing attack on himself.

''I thought that most of us played really well, but sadly there were a couple of our own players who were shocking tonight Andy.....pardon my Welsh but there were!. The number 39 especially....Bellamy, everyone in the game knows what he's like...so I don't need to say anything, except I'm not shocked by how bad he was tonight even though I said I was shocked earlier....I'm not. As I say, everyone in football knows what Bellamy is like so that's all I'm gonna say.''

Burton then confronted Bellamy about his outburst. ''But Craig,...... you're Bellamy!!, are you saying you had a bad game?.''

''Yes I am, I'm fed up with tip toeing round myself, not telling myself if I'm playing badly. But today I was bad, I'm sorry, I know you shouldn't bad mouth teammates, but I was terrible. everyone in the game knows what I'm like so lets leave it at that.''

In other Manchester City news, 'boss' Roberto Mancini has clung on to a leadership coup fronted by 'panto villain' Garry Cook. Cook the clubs answer to a Chief Executive had been canvassing in the local area and believed he had the 'popular vote' amongst City fans to attempt to topple the current management team. But after he tried storming the residential palace of Mancini late last night, he admitted defeat after a 'mix up with his sat nav' had taken him to the home of elderly bigot Gillian Duffy, who told him exactly what she thought of the clubs middle eastern recruitment policy.

Attendances fall following popularity of 3D football!

Premier league attendances have dramatically fallen in the last month following the rise in the number of 3D televised matches.

Sky Sports now show at least one game a week in the new '3D' format which means that fans of the chosen clubs no longer need to venture to the actual ground. Instead they can venture to one of the chosen pubs hosting the broadcast, wearing the specially designed glasses.

Back in the 1980's when the first wave of 3D films were released, the glasses were the 'weak link' in the technology with the cardboard frames and red/green plastic lenses often having only a shelf live of 10 minutes before the wearer would become increasingly frustrated with them falling off and generally being shit and would put them in a draw at their mums house only to be found 13 years later!.

Nowadays though, the 'modern 3D glasses' are so camouflaged you would hardly notice somebody wearing them [pictured above]. If you concentrate on the image above, after a while you may realise that the people pictured are actually wearing 3D glasses!.

Inventor of the new glasses Prof Graeme Souness said this. ''We wanted to make something that wouldn't make people stand out and look silly when they were watching football in 3D. That was the problem years ago, but I think you'll agree that you could pretty much wear these things all day and no one would even notice!?!.''

Manchester City fan Dick Moore spoke to Sports In Shorts after his teams 3D experience against Tottenham Hotspur last night.

''It's the future int it!, 3D's great. It's like I was actually at the match but in a pub at the match. I used to go down to Middle-Eastlands but theres no need to risk it anymore!. 3D's like being at the match but on the telly, and everythings better on telly!. I just can't wait to see what they do next....I mean, do you think they will ever have the technology to actually be at the game but to be able to watch it live in 3D?. That'd be something wouldn't it!?!.....it'd be like real 3D.....there probly would'nt be any need to put it on telly........ I wonder if we'd still need glasses?.''

Gerrard makes impressive debut for new club!

Ex Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard [pictured above chasing a fleeing DJ] made an impressive debut for his new club Chelsea's win against Liverpool, the club that sold him just hours earlier!.

Details of the move have yet to be realeased but it is thought that the Londoners paid at least £30 million for the midfielder. They also agreed that he would be allowed to wear his beloved Liverpool kit for the game in order to say goodbye to his faithful fans.

Liverpool were put in a situation where a win or a draw would have put a record winning 19th league title on the cards for great rivals Manchester United, a situation where many 'fans' admitted that they would prefer the scousers to 'roll over' and let Chelsea win.

After the game, Sky's Geoff Shreeves questioned manager Rafa Benitez about if he told his team to 'take it easy' for the game.

''What do I care!?!, I'm off to Turin soon innit!''

New signing Gerrard put a precise through ball to Didier Drogba midway through the first half who rounded the keeper Reina and tapped the ball into the net. Frank Lampard slid in a second in the second half to take the win and probably the title back to Stamford Bridge.

Burnley to be re-nickmaned ''The non stop losers''

Soon not to be Premier League outfit Burnley, have changed their club nickname by deed poll to 'cash in' on their losing run!.

The Lancashire team who have lost 10 of their last 9 games took the decision after yet another loss last Sunday to Liverpool. Manager Brian Laws [pictured above] spoke to Sports In Shorts after the 4-0 defeat.

''It's a right laugh here at Burnley to be honest!, the management don't really take it seriously and neither do the board.........I mean if they did, why would they have appointed me??....I'm gonna be the only manager to have relegated 2 teams in the same season if Sheffield Wednesday get relemergated as well!. If they do, I did the donkey work for it so I don't want Alan (Irvine) to get the credit!.

So we just have a laugh with it, a couple of us got lagered up in Wetherspoon's and went down to the deed poll office and changed the nickname from 'The Clarets' to 'The Non Stop Losers'......how goods that!!!.....only cost me £36 as well.....reet bargain!.....and the way I see it is, if we're called 'The Non Stop Losers' how can I be fired if we lose??.......it's our nickname!!....gettit?''.

For the last couple of games I'm gonna play Graham Alexander in goal and Brian Jensen up front as well, you know...have a bit of a laugh with it....... football takes itself too seriously, at least here I can just be myself.......a right joker.........honestly, I'm mental, ask anyone here!. Whilst I was down there I also changed my name to Brain Lawmaker''.

Roy Carroll claims ''In Denmark I'm considered a good keeper!?!''

Former Manchester United goal conceder Roy Carroll, has claimed in an interview with FourFourTwo magazine that he has not taken a backward step by joining the Danish Super League outfit Odense BK!?!.

The Northern Irish keeper is probably best known for preventing 'the goal that never was' (pictured above) when playing for Man Utd against Tottenham Hotspur in 2005. Spurs midfielder Pedro Mendes took a shot from the halfway line which beat Carroll who backpeddled and pushed the ball back out of the goal. The referee and linesman failed to give the goal even though it was at least 2 weeks over the line!.

But in the summer of 2009 after leaving Derby County, Carroll failed to find an English based club who thought he was worth paying, so he took up an offer from the Danish team who immediately made him the most well paid player in their history.

''Here in Denmark, there are a number of things to get used to....for example, they drive on the opposite side of the road, they have winter for 9 months of the year, it's a criminal offense to publicly criticise 'Great Dane' and national hero Peter Schmeichel, but the wages of £120 a week after Danish tax make it all worth while.......... but I suppose the most difficult thing to adjust to over here was the fact that here I am considered a decent keeper!?!.

Many people back home might be thinking that I've taken a backward step by moving to Denmark but you've got to remember.....I've played at Wigan!!......once you've been there...anywhere you go will be paradise!!''.

EU directive passed to make French Cricket replace Cricket

The world of cricket is set to radically change over the next 5 years following a new law passed in Brussels which labels the sport of Cricket in it's current form as 'racist' and 'non European'.

The new directive came after a complaint was raised by the French government at an EU Sports & Leisure conference saying that the Cricket playing nations of the world but mainly only the English, were ridiculing France for their version of the game which is commonly played using the batsman's legs as the wicket and a baguette as a bat! (pictured above).

Far too complicated!

The EU found in favor of France, stating that all current forms of Cricket were 'racist towards Europe', 'non European',and 'far too complicated'. So from 2015 'Cricket' will be phased out and replaced by 'French Cricket' which will be renamed 'Euro Cricket' or 'Le whack le ball game avec le baton baguette'.

In addition there will be several other major changes:

1) All bowling to be underarm and slow to give Gran's a chance of hitting the ball.
2) Games never to last longer than 25 minutes as 'working time regulations' could be broken if played any longer without a break.
3) Tennis balls to be used instead of Cricket balls as they are far too hard and dangerous.
4) All games to be played on beaches.

Absolute Disgrace!

The planned changes have caused a huge wave of disapproval from Cricket aficionado's, including professional Yorkshire man Sir Geoffrey Boycott. Speaking from his mouth in his broad Yorkshire accent he said, ''It's an absolute disgrace!, them bloody French are ruining the sport that I ruined years ago in the 1980's!. They want to mind their own croissants!. You can't play Cricket in France!!........, that's like playing beach volleyball in Barnsley!.........its political correctness gone bi-polar......Fred Trueman's ashes will be spinning in their grave!!''.

O'Sullivan may NOT quit Snooker this year!?!

The world of snooker has been rocked by the news that Ronnie O'Sullivan will NOT be falling out of love with the game and quitting this year.

Annual Tradition

O'Sullivan (34) has made it an annual tradition to claim he has lost interest and love for the pub game, usually after he gets knocked out of the World Championships. But the man from Essex has admitted in an interview with Sports In Shorts that he longer has the interest and love for losing interest and falling out of love.

Speaking to our South Yorkshire reporter Corey Lavender from the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield O'Sullivan spoke about his decision.

''It's not that I don't love not loving snooker anymore, I just don't feel the same level of love for losing the love of the game at the moment!. I'm not saying this is going to last forever, I might have regained the enthusiasm for losing enthusiasm next year.....who can tell?!?. I just need to take time out from taking time out of the so called sport, concentrate on playing, and maybe next year I'll be fed up with not being fed up and quit the game again''.

O'Sullivan has quit the game on no fewer than five occasions, all of which have been after humiliating defeats at the showpiece Sheffield tournament. But on each occasion he has returned to the game with a new found optimism for a month or so, but even O' Sullivan's family have noticed a change in the self proclaimed 'Essex Depressionator'.

Killer Dad

His heavily tanned mother Maria has always taken the blame for O'Sullivan's many problems. Speaking last night she said ''I feel responsible for Ronnie's mental problems, if I hadn't have got involved with his gangster killing Dad he might have been normal stable lad,....but I suppose that ideally if his Dad hadn't gone out killing people then he might not be so highly strung........... but you live and learn don't you!?!, but I've definitely seen a change in Ronnie this year, he's different and has lost the interest of losing interest.....he's growing up!''.