Man City guilty of encouraging fans to smoke!!

Manchester City have been found guilty by the Premier League of encouraging their fans to smoke cigarettes!.

The third most successful team in the City, have been sending out subliminal messages on their kit. Not only does it resemble a packet of Embassy Number 1 cigarettes, but the clubs sponsor 'Etihad' translates as 'Smoke fags kids, they'll make you popular, get you rich and laid!!'...... in Arabic. This is in addition to club fashion-monger Roberto Mancini never doing a press conference or interview without having a fully lit cigarette.

After the guilty verdict was declared by the Premier League (Who last week signed a new sponsor themselves, the Cancer friendly 'Child Cigarette Company') the club have been told not to promote smoking in any way, a decision which has not gone down well with City's Arab owners. New Arab Garry Cook, spoke to Sports In Shorts. ''It's crazy isn't it!?, next they'll tell us we can't chop players fingers off if we catch them chewing gum in training next!!....bloody jobsworths!''

Man Utd fans aim to send Glazer's home using scarves!!

Manchester United fans the world over have started a 'hate' campaign aimed at forcing the American Glazer family who own the club, to sell to someone else who will put them heavily in debt!.

The fans after much deliberating, decided that the best way to force the owners out, was to wear Green and Gold coloured scarves!?!. The head of the 'We Hate The Glazer's Now That There Are Rumours We've Got No Money' campaign, Barry White (pictured above) spoke to Sports In Shorts. ''Yeah, we're really socking it to the Glazers with this one, we heard that Joel (Glazer) really doesn't like those two colours (Green and Gold), especially when used together on head garments!!...so you can imagine the effect its having on him!!''.

Another victim of the protesters anger has been Chief Executive David Gill, who has been accused of not joining the 'Green and Gold Glazer's out campaign' because it would cost him his job. Speaking to Sports In Shorts, Gill said ''I'm not joining the 'Green and Gold Glazer's out campaign' because it would cost me my job!....it's a no brainer really!''.

When asked what the fans will do once the weather gets too warm to be wearing scarves, White said ''We've got some Green and Gold headbands ready to get distributed round to everybody!!.....we're not as stupid as we might look......'' he said tapping the side of his head with his index finger.

Ruud Gullit admits ''Jimmy Hill was right, my name is pronouced Rod Gullet!''

Dutch ex footballer and manager, Ruud Gullit (pronounced Rude Hullit) has admitted for the first time that ex Match Of The Day summariser Jimmy Hill used to pronounce his name correctly despite people thinking he was insane or stupid!.

The heavily chinned Hill, used to pronounce Ruud Gullit as Rod Gullet amidst constant criticism from viewers and colleagues alike. Des Lynam once famously said of Hill ''The guys an idiot, how can he think Ruud is said as Rod?.......dick!'', but Gullit speaking with Dutch TV said yesterday ''For sure.....yesh, it is true. Jimmy useshed to say my name correctly....its not a well known thing, but Ruud is the Dutch equivalent of Rodney, and G's should not sound like H's in the Dutch language......what can I shay...Jimmy was right for sure!''.

Experts are revisiting other things Hill used to say, which many also presumed to be wrong, such as Eric Cantona which he said as Can-Toner, Gary Lineker which he said as Line-Acre and David James who he described as a ''Good goalkeeper!?!''.

Tyler and Gray try out weak puns!!

Sky Sports commentators Martin Tyler and his hapless wind bag sidekick Andy Gray (above), both made Mikel Arteta based puns whilst commentating on Sundays Everton v Hull City big match spectacular Super Sunday broadcast.

After a series of accurate statistics delivered by the consistent Tyler, workmanlike Gray grew increasingly agitated and had to resort to his stock phrase of ''I dunno Martin, we'll have to let Richard and the boys look at that decision at half time''. But as the impressive Spanish midfielder Mikel Arteta started to take control of the game both men went silent on their microphones, instead choosing to write the perfect pun or clever wordplay.

Tyler was unsurprisingly the first to deliver his effort while Gray was still struggling to get the top off his pen!. Arteta was the player both men were concentrating on as the focal point of their puns, and as he scored his second goal in the last moments of the first half, Tyler went with the unusually poor ''Andy, you could say he's the guy who puts the Art in Arteta!?!?'',....after a few seconds of silence....... Gray panicked, and leap in with the controversial ''Martin he's terrorising the Hull defence like Eta terrorise Spain.....so you could say he puts the Eta in Arteta!!.....and he's Spanish so it works on that level as well!''.

Tyler then congratulated Gray, saying ''Well done Andy, that's one of your best puns ever, and in a pressure situation...... how are you going to follow that up?''. Gray responded with ''Dunno Martin, I'll let Richard and the boys analyse my performance at half time''.

Heskey's peskie replacement!

Norway's version of Emile Heskey, John Carew (pictured above with James Milner and Stephen Warnock) on Sunday inspired a stunning second half comeback from Aston Villa in the FA Cup tie 4-2 win against Reading.

The occasional striker scored a second half hat-trick much to the delight of manager Martin O'Neill. ''Ah, it was great wasn't it. I picked Emile (Heskey), and played Carew (John) so he could learn about being Emile Heskey from him, but he's surpassed anything Emile's ever done. I never expected him to score, let alone 3 goals!!....I feel sorry for Reading to be honest. I only brought John to be Emile's understudy and never expected him to score goals.......thats more Richard Dunne's job in this team'' O'Neill told our reporter.

Carew has had a long history of not being Emile Heskey, starting with Carew's mother not giving birth to Heskey, he then wasn't called Emile Heskey instead being given the name John Carew. Carew then went on to be Norwegian which meant he once again was not Emile Heskey. He went on to have a playing career for Valencia in Spain, Roma in Italy, and Lyon in France. All these while not being even remotely Emile Heskey!.

Instead while all this was going on Heskey was not being John Carew during spells with Leicester City, Liverpool, Birmingham City, Wigan Athletic and England.

''Zamora, best striker since Brian McBride!'' boasts Hodgson

Fulham's overly nasal manager Roy Hodgson has boasted to premier league rivals that his 'hotshot' centre forward Bobby Zamora is not only the best forward in the league at the moment, but he is probably the best striker that's ever played the game!.

The player who after years of trying has finally hit the barn door he was aiming for, has scored 67 goals this season so far with a possible 20 more games still to play for the West London club!.

Speaking to Football Focus on Saturday before the goalless FA Cup Quarter Final tie against Tottenham Hotspur, Hodgson said. ''The key to our great season is down to one man.............Andy Johnson.....if he hadn't have got injured we'd have been underachieving once again. But with him out the way I finally had an excuse to pick Bobby, and bugger me he's finally started scoring goals!. The way he's playing right now, he's not only the best in the premier league, he's probably the best striker of all time........or at least the best since Brian McBride''.

Cole tells Grant ''Sorry, but the photos weren't for you''!

Injured Chelsea exposer Ashley Cole, has told beleaguered Portsmouth manager and curb crawler Avram Grant (pictured above) that the explicit photos he recently sent him on his phone were sent by accident!.

The defender who is currently out for 3 months with a foot and marriage injury, had meant to send the pictures to Canadian pop star Avril Lavigne (the next entry on his phone), but only noticed he'd made the error when he checked his sent messages!.

Speaking to Sports In Shorts Grant said. ''Well, I can't say it was a shock when I got the pictures from Ashley, he always looked at me with his come to bed eyes!, and he seemed to be upset when I left. Then I got these photos (shows Sports In Shorts the pictures), I thought Ashley was ready to join me and Mrs Grant for some sweet sweet love play!!...... Don't get me wrong its nothing I haven't seen before, but I'm always up for some phone relief so I took one of me being punished by Mrs Grant and sent it to him''.

Grant then went on to say what happened next. ''Bout, half an hour later my phone rang and it was Ashley wanting to know why I'd sent him a photo of me in a leather cat suit being whipped by my wife!?, so I told him because you'd just sent me one of 'little Ashley'. He just said ''Oh God, tell me I didn't.....oh shit.......'' and he hung up. He must have checked his sent messages and realised what he'd done because he rang me later to say he'd sent me them by accident and they weren't meant for me.............but I'm not so sure.....I think he likes me''.

Cole (29) has a long history of sending naked photos of himself to others, with at least 4 women coming forward saying he's sent them photos. Cole's spokesman Max Clifford answered these accusations by saying ''Ashley is the real victim here, just think what he's had to go through by seeing Avram Grant naked!''