''I don't believe in magic'' says Beckham

AC Milan's American based loan signing David Beckham (pictured above after a mishap with some curtains), has spoken of his 'non belief' in magic. The one footed blond man speaking at Milan's 'Magic Week Festival' said:

''I know it's controversial but I don't think magic is actually real is it?!?. I mean I used to believe in it when I used to watch Paul Daniels on the telly as a boy, but it's all gone abit far fetched these days hasn't it!, like that David Copperfield. How could he have made the Statue of Liberty disappear?,non of that was in the book???...... plus he hasn't made it go anywhere, when I went to New York it was still there!......which got me thinking.........then when I thought about it some more I realised that Penn and Teller did a trick with a gun and firing a bullet at the quiet one (Teller), which he caught in his teeth!!........which I'm fairly sure is dangerous!?!. I mean I can't explain how they did it but I'm not sure 'magic' is the answer any more. Then you've got that Derren Brown......now don't get me wrong, he's a good showman but I'm sure that if magic was real he'd have used that to pick them lottery numbers wouldn't he?, and not spend hours working out the answer to the problem''

Beckham then went on to say other things he was sceptical about,... ''Cruz lost one of his teeth the other day, so we put it underneath the pillow for him to get some money from the tooth fairy........we checked the next day and the tooth was still there and there was no money!, anyway we rang Victoria (posh) in America to ask if it's ever happened before that the Tooth Fairy has forgotten to come, and she told me to sit down cos she had some news that might upset me.....I got scared so I hung up but I'm worried that she was going to tell me the fairy doesn't exist!?!..........I know it sounds weird but I'm really doubting the existence of tooth fairies. Then if you think about it, if tooth fairies don't exist who's to say that pixies, goblins, trolls, monsters, Santa, Easter bunnies and Mexicans are real......my worlds been smashed wide open and theres no one real in it anymore!''.

Beckham ended the interview by saying the draw against Livorno was unfortunate, that the manager has the support of the players, it's a game of two halves, he was as sick as a parrot at having a poor game on Sunday and that he was going to have his tattoo of David Blaine removed from his arm ''If magics not real its like he's betrayed me''.

''I'm so glad to be signing for my boyhood heroes'' says Keane again

Transfer addict Robbie Keane (pictured above showing the shirt he made at nursery yesterday) has spoken of his love for his latest employers Glasgow Celtic. At a press conference to introduce him to the unfortunate followers of the Scottish football team he said ''It's been a lifelong dream to play in the green hoops of Celtic, and I want to once again make them the biggest club in Edinburgh'' gaffed Keane.

Keane also spoke of his childhood love of Tottenham Hotspur when he signed for them on both occasions, as he did when he signed for Liverpool, Leeds, Coventry, Wolves and Italian based club Inter Milan of Milan. When asked how many clubs he supported as a child Keane said ''Only the one, I'm a one club man....it's always been Celtic.....and Spurs.......and Liverpool.........Coventry as well I suppose......Wolves I like also.......and Inter Milan.....and Leeds''.

He finished by telling journalists who he would be signing for in June ''It's always been a lifelong dream to play in Glasgow so one day I'd love to play for Rangers, so fingers crossed I won't be able to get in the starting line up for Celtic so I can join my Childhood heroes in the summer'' quipped the Irishman.

Keane finished the Press Conference by saying he still hoped to play in this summers World Cup tournament despite the Republic Of Ireland not having qualified for the event!?. ''It's been a lifelong dream to play in the World Cup and I've always been a fan of England, so I'm just hoping Fabio has got the money to spend and can bring me in to the squad this June'' said the be-wilded Keane.

Rio apologises for exposing Terry affair

Manchester United's sometime defender Rio Ferdinand (pictured above telling reporters his mental age) has offered his apologies to sour faced penalty missing love rat John Terry, for exposing the Chelsea defenders affair with Vanessa Perroncel, the ex girlfriend of his ex teammate Wayne Bridge.

Ferdinand was filming another hilarious episode of his 'Practical Joke/Prank show' titled 'Rio's About' and was following his England team mate with a film crew in readiness for performing a fake traffic warden skit for the show. ''We was there with the camera outside the hotel that Tezza had gone into, I faught it was wierd he stopped at that hotel cos it was the hotel what we use for taking our prozzies to what we don't want our wife's to know about, then we saw Tezza come out with Bridgy's bird which I faught was wierd cos I faught he'd stopped shagging her years ago!?'' Ferdinand explained, ''I was gonna get rid of the footage cos I didn't want to get JT in any trouble with his missus, but I accidentally put the video in a envelope and posted it to The News Of The World!....I was sick as a parrot about that, it was careless defending of the tape!''.

''I just want to say sorry for ruining JT's marriage by filming him, sorry to Bridgy for exposing his missus as a slapper but most of all and most impotent..... for ruining our chances of winning the world cup this year'' Ferdinand said in his dumbest voice.

In other news regarding the biggest football story of the week, Max Clifford the agent who specialises in other peoples misery and quite possibly nearly as evil as Hitler, has said his client Vanessa Perroncel deserves some praise because she might have cheated on her boyfriend with his friend and teammate but she hasn't as yet sold her story!. ''Everybody is making her out to be a bad person but she hasn't benefited from this..........yet'' said the silver haired friend of Piers Morgan. ''You could say she's the real victim in this situation'' Clifford added.

Monday's Big Match Roundup!

This weekend saw 3 of the worlds most intense football rivalries lock horns, and as ever Sports In Shorts can bring you the best analysis of the rivalries what were mentioned earlier in the sentence!:

River Plate v's Boca Juniors

The Argentinian mega powers went head to head in the Buenos Aires grudge match which averages 5 casualties a year!. As the match was being played after this report went to Internet print we don't know the result but here is a brief summary of what probably happened.

22 yellow cards were handed out with only 5 sendings off this time!?!, a manic Diego Maradona was spotted in the crowd selling Cocaine, irate fans attacked referee, erratic players attacked referee, irate fans and erratic players chased fleeing referee into crowd, game called off after 52 minutes!.

Inter Milan v's AC Milan

The Milanese Derby took place at the Giuseppe Meazza Stadium last night if you're an Inter fan or the San Siro Stadium if you follow AC Milan.

The game finished 2-0 to the Inter veterans who had an average team age of 43. A youthful looking AC team looked inexperienced having dropped the 'wise old heads' of Maldini, Baresi & Costacurta and had to 'make do' with the 'young hopefuls' of Pirlo (32), Favalli (34), Beckham (34), Dida (32), Gattuso (hard to tell cos he's so beardy), Ambrosini (31) and Seedorf (35).

Stevenage v's Kettering Utd

Perhaps the biggest football rivalry of all took place in England with the 'Not quite Midlands, Not quite London' Derby between the 2 Blue Square Premier heavyweights (crowd scene from the Stevenage Jeff Goldblum Arena pictured above). The Steven's outclassed The Kettle's and won 2-0, with the goals coming from Wayne Long and Wayne Long. The win puts Stevenage top of the league and as one fan put it ''Top of the Blue Square Premier!, it don't get much more Rock n Roll than that does it!?!''.

Tevez v Neville battle of hand gestures rumbles on

The Carlos Tevez V Gary Neville war of words and hand gestures continued yesterday as both of the childish players refused to grow up in any way.

It all started when Wayne Rooney muttered the witticism ''Miss, you Greasy Argie'' just before Tevez smashed in the controversial penalty to draw Man City level at 1-1 against fierce rivals Man Utd in Tuesday's Milk Cup Semi-final first leg at Eastlands.

Tevez responded to this by doing an impression of the character Shrek from the film Shrek starring Shrek, directed at Rooney.

Eager to get in on any aggravation going, Gary Neville soon piped up and started shouting comments from the touchline....albeit despite him not even being named on the subs bench for the game!.

Neville's wife Nelly explained ''Gary was watching the game at home with me and as soon as he noticed it was about to kick off with a good argument I couldn't contain him!, he just had to get involved....bless him!.....that's why I love him I guess!?''.

When he arrived, Neville started hurling insults directed at Tevez, criticising the surgeon who performed the botched operation on his neck wound, to which Tevez retaliated with disparaging remarks about Neville's poorly grown moustache!, one fan heard him say this in his Spanish accent, ''Look guys, theres an Ian Beale lookalike on the touchline and is name isa Gary Neville!''.

A visibly angry Neville took this remark to heart and couldn't think of a witty re post so simply stuck 2 fingers up at the gloating Argentinian ugly man, not realising that in Spanish this signal means ''Last night your mother told me you were adopted!!''. A shocked Tevez could be seen borrowing a mobile phone from a supporter in the crowd to phone his mum to see if this was true!.

Once she convinced him he was not adopted, he got back to the game and almost immediately scored with a headed goal to take City to a 2-1 victory, which once again caused him to celebrate but this time Neville bore the brunt of his mocking comedy, as he produced a comb from his back pocket and started to pretend to comb his top lip where a moustache might be!, whilst shouting ''Hey Gary why don't you grow a real moustache like your mum's got!''.

An upset Neville was then consoled by his Dad who had also been watching the game at home and had felt the need to get involved. Mr Neville (Neville) said ''If you pick on my boy Gary Neville, you pick on me,....Neville Neville''.

''I've never been hungrier'' admits Hatton!

Popular tubby one time decent boxer Ricky Hatton (pictured above before he got fat) has been forced to clarify comments he made in a statement last week.

He was speaking at a press conference held for him to announce his plans for his next humiliating defeat (a story broken by Sports In Shorts in November 2009), this summer to Mexican pensioner Juan Marquez.

The part of the statement which caused confusion was when he mentioned that ''I've never been hungrier!'', many reporters believed him to mean that he was hungry for success after the embarrassing loss to smiley faced Filipino drug user Manny Pacquiao, however Hatton speaking to Sports In Shorts has spoken of the real meaning of his comments.

''When I said I've never been hungrier, I didn't mean for success, I just meant I've never been hungrier!!.....I've not eaten for about 10 minutes or so!......I've got a real craving for sugary treats at the moment..........but I reckon I'm gonna move onto savory pastries soon for a bit of variety.......then I'll step up my calorie intake and move onto deep frying everything and within a few months I should be my ideal lounging weight!''

Hatton or 'Roly Poly Ricky' as his fans call him also mentioned the inspiration behind his odd dress sense. ''I tend to wear a black suit jacket with blue jeans at half mast, its a look I stole off that curly haired fella off Top Gear, and sometimes I like to wear a silly looking sun hat with my favorite tracksuit so I've got the look of a typical Manc chav....which I guess is what i am at heart!''.

Hattons new weight gain video 'Get fat with the chav in the hat' is out next Monday on video priced £8.99, or free if you buy 50 of Ricky's new 'Calorie Intense Deep Fried Pizzas'.

Pienaar admits love of Coq!

South African Floella Benjamin impersonator Steven Pienaar has spoken of his love of his clubs kit maker Le Coq (pronounced cock) Sportif.

The Everton midfield lightweight kissed the kit makers emblem after scoring a poorly hit free kick in Saturdays tussle with Manchester's 3rd best team Manchester City. At first tv viewers and fans just presumed he kissed the wrong side of his kit and thought he had really meant to kiss the Everton badge, but speaking to ESPN's blond woman after the victory, Pienaar spoke of the real reason for this show of affection.

He said ''I've always loved Le Coq, growing up as a young girl in South Africa we used to see the old First Division on TV and whereas most of my friends became fans of Liverpool or Manchester United, I just fell in love with Evertons kit, the way it makes it look as if you're wearing a white t-shirt underneath a blue top is breathtaking. It's not just the Everton kit I love, Le Coq also make the Italian Serie C kit for AFC Bergamo which is equally spellbinding. So when I score a goal I like to celebrate by kissing Le Coq..........it's just a way for me to show my appreciation to Le Coq for being great''.

Pienaar finished by adding ''I'd just like to say, if any viewers are watching who also like Le Coq, maybe we should hook up and celebrate being fans of Le Coq together???.......maybe have a Coq party??''