Sports In Shorts

City's Cook in Real Life 'Brewsters Millions' situation

2010-07-28T00:29:00.000-07:00

It has emerged that the the reason for Manchester City's unbelievably bad spending spree over the last couple of years is down to a playful clause placed in chief executive Garry Cook's contract.

Cook (pictured left when he signed Mark Hughes as manager, shortly before sacking Mark Hughes as manager) signed a contract at Eastlands in 2007 including a never before heard of clause that he should try and waste £850 million pounds over the next 3 years leaving him with no footballing assets!?, which should he achieve he would then qualify for a payment of £100 billion which he would receive in vouchers and be able to spend at all branches of Dorothy Perkins in the Manchester area.

The amazing challenge is surprisingly similar to the storyline of the 1985 Richard Pryor film 'Brewsters Millions' which is known to be the favorite film of owner Sheikh Mansour Bin Zayed Al Nahyan (which incidentally means 'More money than sense' in Arabic).

The film centres on the idea that an aging Minor league Baseball player is left £300 million in a relatives will but only if he can spend £30 million in 30 days and have nothing to show for it!.

Fan Brian Hewlet-Packard from Chapel en the Frith said ''I'm not surprised to be honest, I mean how else can you explain signing players like Lescott, Bridge, Zabaleta, Boateng, Jo, Benjani, Garrido, Bojinov, both Toure's, Santa Cruz, De Jong, Kompany, Bellamy, Wright-Phillips, Adebayor and Petrov!......pointless..... Just think, if we'd have saved the squad we had and spent all that cash on some quality players we might have been the 4th best team in the Premier League!?!....doubtful but you never know.''

Man City sign another player no ones ever heard of!

2010-07-24T15:19:00.001-07:00

Premier League spendthrifts Manchester City have once again wasted another shitload of money by promising Lazio £19million for their never before heard of Serbian leftback Aleksander Kolarov (not pictured above due to no one knowing who he is).

This latest mystery signing is in addition to Jerome Boateng joining from Hamburg, David Silva leaving his self respect in Valencia and Mario Balotelli's agent pushing for more than Comic Relief could raise in a decade.

Manager Roberto Mancini was asked at a press conference in New York about his latest defensive signing.

''I won't lie to you, I've never heard of him either, but when the papers started saying Liverpool and some other clubs were interested in him, we thought we ought to ruin his career like we did Roque Santa Cruz's.''

He was then asked about the other signings his club had made this summer.

''Jerome Boateng I am told already has a brother who plays in the Premiership, I think his name is Cameron, and David Silva played a minute in the World Cup so he must be alright!?.''

He ended the questioning by suggesting what he might do with the other 5 left backs he has in his squad

''My cars need washing so there won't be a lack of opportunity to impress me, I dunno.........Suppose we could maybe sell one to Liverpool or something...I don't know, I'm only thinking off the top??......all I know is I can't stop spending.......I can't tell you why yet but you will find out soon.....I promise!!.''

He then left the Press Conference looking as if he had said something he shouldn't have. This story will run.

Shares slump as Robbie stays put!

2010-07-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

Shares on the London Stock Exchange fell sharply yesterday after the UK’s leading removal firm issued a profits warning statement for 2010.

At a hastily arranged press conference the company’s Chief Finance Officer explained that the their UK business plan had relied heavily upon the annual summer transfer of the Tottenham Hotspur and Republic of Ireland striker, Robbie Keane (pictured above with siblings Roy and Diane). ‘As a move for the former Wolves, Coventry, Inter Milan, Leeds United, Liverpool and Celtic man had so far not materialised during the close season, it is only right for our shareholders and institutional investors to be warned of the potential impact’ he added.

Mr Shifter, Chairman of the British Association of Removers, talking exclusively to the Sports in Shorts, explained that…‘ The last decade has been a golden age for the UK removal industry with the high turnover of footballers changing clubs each year. This year the big clubs are really strapped for cash and this is having a direct impact on the volume of trade for our members. We’ve not seen a downturn like this since BBC Pundit and journeyman professional, Steve ‘I’ve got more clubs than Jack Nicklaus’ Claridge hung up his boots!’

Mr Shifter denied reports that his organisation was trying to kick-start the football transfer market by showering a number of high-profile premier league managers with expensive gifts and lavish corporate hospitality. However, this was at odds with footage from our reporter’s secret camera, which caught the former PG Tips executive discretely stuffing cash into two large brown envelopes...addressed to a Mr Mancini.

Where the ****ing hell are you?

2010-07-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

Football clubs in Scotland have voted unanimously at their AGM to rename perennial Division 3 underachievers Albion Rovers. Problems arose last season at a number of fixtures involving the Coatbridge based club because away fans and club officials could not find the club’s Cliftonhill stadium, leading to numerous late kick-offs.

The situation came to a head last week when Arbroath failed to turn-up for a Tennants Premium Strength Cup tie, arriving instead at The Hawthorns for a pre-season friendly between West Bromwich Albion and Blackburn Rovers. Celebrity ‘Throstles’ fans Adrian Chiles and Frank Skinner looked on in disbelief as the assorted part-time professionals (10 trawlermen and a car park attendant) from the ‘smoked kipper’ capital of the world played the premier league outfits off the park in a hastily arranged three-way round-robin tournament.

The Arbroath bus driver explained to our Sports in Shorts reporter that there had been a problem with his satellite navigation system. Roughly translated into English, he said...‘Look Jimmy, all I did was put ‘Albion Rovers’ in the sat-nav ‘n’ follow the directions from the posh speaking bird. How the **** am I supposed to know where Albion Rovers is? They ought to have a proper name like Queen of the South, St Mirren or somethin’…

Officials from Albion Rovers are likely to appeal against the SFA decision and have strongly defended the clubs generic name, the origins of which are only known to the veteran BBC Scotland football reporter, Archie McPherson. When the time comes McPherson has promised to pass the secret down to his more famous broadcasting daughter, Hazel Irvine.

Football historians speculate that the club’s founders could not agree on a name, so, as a bit of fun, picked the names of other football club endings out of a hat. Before settling on the name Albion Rovers a number of alternatives were apparently rejected. These included County Town, Forest Rangers, North End Villa, Wednesday Nil and - because it clashed with the name of Coatbridge's premier Chinese take-away - Orient City!

ITV's promise of 'broadcast error' fails as millions subjected to dour final!

2010-07-11T23:50:00.000-07:00

ITV chiefs have apologised for an internal error which led to the entire World Cup final between Spain and The Netherlands being shown with no broadcast problems at all!

The channel which is prone to mistakenly cutting to advert breaks just as something of interest is about to happen in a game of football, went the whole 90 minutes and a further 30 minutes of extra time without once missing any of the action!?. This has upset regular viewers.

Dave Gantree of Grantham, Lincolnshire said ''When we really needed ITV to save us from the dross being played last night, they didn't deliver!. I would have killed to have seen a 'Go Compare' or 'that annoying Graham Taylor ad' but they let us down. I wouldn't be surprised if they did it deliberately........it's that Chiles fella......bloody liability he is. This wasn't 'The One Show' .......this is ITV, it's meant to be shambolic!. If I wanted seamless transmissions I'd watch the BBC.''

A spokesman for ITV sport said ''We understand many viewers will be upset at having to watch a boring World Cup Final with no impromptu advert breaks, all we can do is apologise and say it will never happen again!. Normal service will resume when the Champions League starts in September, and we are training extra staff the skills needed to mess up broadcasts and miss vital goals....once again we are very sorry, and we hope nobody suffered too much at having to watch the entire final!?''

Maradona tries to convince authorities he's the German coach

2010-07-05T23:31:00.000-07:00

Unstable Argentinian manager Diego Armando Maradona (above) caused major disruption at Germany's training camp yesterday ahead of their World Cup Semi-Final against Spain, by claiming HE was the German coach, not Joachim Loew!

The confused ex gun wielding maniac turned up at the training ground entrance in various pieces of disguise. Security guard Abedi Sulemedy was on duty in Durban and he tells the story.

''This crazy guy turns up wearing a tight fitting German football and carrying a packet of frankfurters, so I asked if I could help him?.....I thought he may have escaped from the local institute!?........he said that he was here to coach his team to the World Cup victory, so I asked him who his team was?, ''The mighty Germania'' he tells me!.

Then I realised who it was, it was Diego Maradona!....I couldn't believe it. He's one of my favorite players of all time!

So I told him he is Argentina's manager, and that Germany beat them 4-0 in the Quarter Finals!

''If I'm Argentinian like you claim, then why am I here with the national food of Germany..... in my German dress and speaking with this authentic German accent!?'' he replied

I told him, he was clearly putting the accent on, he was doing more of a 'Allo-Allo' style, French accent to be honest.''

After 2 hours of trying to convince staff to let him in, and an unsuccessful attempt at squeezing through a tiny hole in the perimeter fence, Maradona gave up and later spoke to Sports In Shorts of the affair.

''On Saturday night, after the game with Germany, my old friend GOD contacted me....I haven't heard from that guy since 1986!. Anyway, he tells me that he wants ME to win the World Cup and he made a terrible mistake by letting Germany win the game. He promised to make it up to me by letting me become the German manager...only I must promise not to tell anyone! mainly cos of all the fuss it caused when he wanted me to beat England back in the day.

All was going well, I dug my old shirt out I got from Andreas Bremhe, I bought a packet of Frankfurters, and I adopted the alter ego of 'Diego The German'....whats more German than that..right!?.

Sadly the authorities didn't want to take MY or GOD's word for it, so I had to think 'outside the box'.''

Maradona is already back in Buenos Aires about to start work on his new Cop Drama Series 'Diego & Lacey'.....the long awaited 'spin off' from the popular 80's show Cagney & Lacey.

Excellent England return to heroes welcome!

2010-06-28T00:02:00.000-07:00

The heroic underdogs of England's spirited World Cup campaign will return today to Heathrow Airport to a reception of thousands of well wishers and fans.

The plucky team managed to avoid embarrassment yesterday playing the football powerhouse of Germany by keeping the score down to a close run 4-1 defeat!.

Once described as ''pointless fuckwits!'' by manager Fabio Capello, the team rallied round and made the German team look only fractionally better than them.

Ex England manager Graham Taylor watched the game from a cul de sac in Lincolnshire.

''OK, I suppose some so called England fans will be disappointed, but when you see your team play like they did today (yesterday) you can only be proud. To keep THAT German team down to only 4 goals was an astonishing piece of goal prevention, the likes we haven't seen since Carlton Palmer used to parade around the England midfield like a cheap suit.''

Many fans feared the worst when England were paired with Germany in the last 16, but Capello spoke of how he got the best out of his 'low fi' players.

''When you are a that much of an under-doggy, what have you a got to lose!?. You just have to put your eyes on the German team sheet list and it is house hold names all the way a down. Compared to our list where, to be honest if I can for a momento...even I do not recognise the names!......I didn't even realise Joey Coley was our player until I played FIFA World Cup on my Playstation computer.

I just said to my boys, no one knows who you are, go and tell them who you are...Introduce yourself to the football world.....do it for Gary Neville!'.''

'Rebel' Lawrenson refuses to wear traditional BBC pundit clothes!

2010-06-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

Mark Lawrenson the strangely haired BBC pundit caused mild controversy last night by refusing to wear the 'stock' grey shirt/black trouser combo which is expected to be worn by all pundits.

The campish ex Republic Of Ireland defender (pictured above) turned up at the BBC's temporary studio in the foothills of Table Mountain near Cape Town, sporting some items from his own wardrobe, a gold and black sequined sparkly top, light blue pantaloons and knee high black cowboy boots finished with a pink cowboy hat.

This did not go down well with some viewers. A disgruntled Roy Miller from Basildon said

''I switched on the BBC to watch a nice bit of bland inoffensive punditry to go with the Denmark Japan game, then they cut to Lawro and he's wearing that get up, I ask you a PINK cowboy hat???...PINK!.....everyone knows you should never wear pink with gold....they'll clash.

I expect this from Southgate on ITV but not on the BBC, they should know better!.''

Defending his clothes, Lawrenson described the outfit as 'playful yet practical', 'fun and breezy' and 'John Barrowman meets Sex in the City'.

Defoe forgets if he's a Tottenham or a Portsmouth player!?

2010-06-23T23:18:00.000-07:00

England goal hero Jermain Defoe has admitted in a post match interview that he's forgotten if he plays club football for Tottenham Hotspur or Portsmouth.

The 'petite' striker who is exactly half the size of team mate Peter Crouch (fact fans) let this slip during an interview with ITV's Gabriel Clarke.

''Its great to get our campaign off to a non drawing start and to know everyone back home is now going way over the top with praise for us is music to our ears. The team played well and I'm so glad to get the goal cos that's what I'm in the team for!, its what I do day in day out at Portsmouth.....no......Tottenham, hang on....who do I play for?. The managers that fella that looks like a hound dog (Harry Redknapp)....its one of them definitely. Shit, that's embarrassing.....hang on Crouchy will know, 'Crouchy who do we play for?'

''England!'' replied the 'rake like plane botherer' whilst performing his celebratory robot dance

''Na, I know that,...... I mean back home, did you come with me to Spurs?''

''Yeah Little J, we play for Spurs.....or Portsmouth, one of them!.''

Since last night Defoe has completed a transfer to Portsmouth who have since sold him on to Tottenham Hotspur. Harry Redknapp is said to be ecstatic with both his new signings.

FIFA to introduce new emergency rule changes to make games less exciting!

2010-06-22T23:09:00.000-07:00

Sepp Blatter (pictured above after being asked 'using your hands how mental do you think you are?') and his faithful life partner Michel Platini have passed two 'emergency rule changes' to help make the World Cup less exciting to watch.

The measures set to be implemented are to scrap the new Jabulani football, which has been widely criticised as being 'too kick able' and 'round' by many who have used and seen it in action.

This would be replaced by a scaled down version of it, about the same size as a golf ball, which will be camouflaged to make it less visable.

The other 'major' change which FIFA have been championing since it worked successfully at Euro 2004, will be to grant 'automatic qualification' from the group stages of the World Cup for any team who manages to keep the score at 0-0. This is thought to be favoring the 'flair' defensive teams like Greece and Switzerland which Blatter is known to love.

Switzerland were the first team at this World Cup to successfully put their opponents to sleep, before 'creeping' up to the other end and scoring a winner against Spain. Luckily, Spain managed to wake up in time to beat their next opponents Honduras whilst Switzerland played Chile who had taken the precaution of 'drinking an industrial amount of Red Bull' to stave off the 'coma inducing' tactics employed by the Swiss.

Speaking from his hospital bed following the opening ceremony debacle, Blatter spoke to Sports In Shorts.

''Oh, the rule changes, yes, good don't you think!?. To be honest I had to do something, all there is to do here is watch 'Loose Women' and 'Sex and The City' on DVD video tape!, it can get abit Greece...if you know what I mean!?.

Nobody wants to watch players like the Lionel Messi with his lovely feet movements, if you let him loose he scores the goals, scoring goals is so 1970, come on girlfriend....it's the 90's...it's all about the defensive tactics baby.....am I right?....eh?.

The golf ball idea was Michel's, I wanted to make the ball rectangle or triangle shaped, but the initial tests made the game too much like Rugby.''

Capello blasts world cup ball as ''Worst for 4 years!''

2010-06-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

England's furrow browed head coach Fabio Capello (above) has blasted world cup organisers for using the ''worse ball for 4 years'' at the tournament currently being played in South Africa.

The erratically calm Italian said ''This round ball is easily the worst World Cup football I have ever seen for 4 years, maybe more or maybe less but one thing for sure is its not the same I think. The problem is FIFA sticking their busy fingers into a pie that doesn't need tampering with. If nothing needs changing then why tamper with the thing that doesn't need changing. If a baby doesn't need changing, you wouldn't change it's nappy pants would you?. A football is the same....only different ......but always the same.''

The criticism comes after goalkeeper Robert Green spilled a long distance shot from Clint Dempsey in England's opening 1-1 draw with USA and then struggled to have a kick of the ball in the disappointing 0-0 draw with Algeria.

''For me it was not entirely unexpectiated, because after training at the canteen, Greeny spilled a banana when reaching for the fruit, and for this I blame the new design of bananas in the recent times. It was not Roberto 's fault....even though I do blame him. This is why I picked the David James instead to play the position of the keeper goal. The ball is also to blame, Wayne Rooney should have had a go at the ball not the fans.''

Blatter gets carried away at opening ceremony and 'puts back out' doing backflip

2010-06-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

FIFA president Sepp Blatter by his own admission, 'got carried away' at the opening ceremony of the 2010 World Cup tournament.

He took to the microphone to declare the tournament open, then in an extraordinary move started singing and dancing (pictured above) and encouraged the crowd to do the same.

''Maybe I shouldn't have launched into an acoustic version of Lady GaGa's Bad Romance, but you live and learn don't you'' said Blatter from his hospital bed.

He then linked seamlessly into Poker Face, before doing a medley of Shakira's hits, as the stadiums capacity crowd looked on in bewilderment, before doing a 'spur of the moment' dance routine which resulted in an ambitious back flip spurred on by his sidekick/personal assistant Michel Platini.

''Yes, yes, the back flip was a stupid idea, but it was sunny, I'd had a few beers, Michel was encouraging me....I got caught up in the atmosphere what can I say.....Bafana Bafana Shakira Shakira''.

By attempting the back flip, Blatter sustained a back injury which could keep him off the dance floors of South Africa until at least July 3rd.

Crouch tells teammates ''Stop complaining, I always train at altitude!''

2010-06-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

Extreme vertical England striker Peter Crouch (pictured above playing at 33'000ft), has told his world cup team mates to stop complaining about having to train at altitude, as its something he's had to do all his life.

England have been based in the mountains to get used to the high altitude, as their first game with USA in Rustenburg is being played at 1500m.

Peter Crouch Fact #1: Crouch when fully erect is as high as 2 Aaron Lennons, The Eiffel Tower and the Czech forward Jan Koller added together!!.

Crouch said ''So now they all know how I feel!, they want to stop complaining about training up here, I've had to do it for years.''

Peter Crouch Fact #2: He actually shows up on radar and was once talked into a seat by Air Traffic control.

African players suddenly get far too over-expectant!

2010-06-10T00:36:00.000-07:00

One of African footballs biggest names and John Pantsil both had sudden bouts of insanity yesterday when they both simultaneously predicted semi final places were within the grasp of both Nigeria and Ghana!?!.

The move which led many experts and Mark Lawrenson to claim that the players were obviously feeling the pressure of the tournament coming to the Continent for the first time.

Lawrenson speaking to Sports In Shorts said ''First of all you've got that fella with the long legs .....Kanu claiming Nigeria could make the semi finals!, I mean, he's clearly going a bit David Icke....Ok, so it could happen but I could win best new recording artist at the Grammy's, its not gonna happen is it!.
Then theres John Pansil, saying Ghana have a chance of reaching the semi finals, I don't want to be rude but theres more chance of Mick McCarthy being in a good mood than that happening.''

Kim Jong-il warns North Korea not to come back without World Cup Trophy

2010-06-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

North Korea's miniature fruitcake, leader Kim Jong-il (pictured above after winning 'North Korea's Next Top Model') has warned his specially selected squad of footballers not to return to Pyongyang without the World Cup trophy!.

The pint sized lunatic was speaking on his chat show 'A Little Bit Of Kim Jong-il'.

''If my expert squad fail to win the trophy then I will not accept this, and will expect them to face the consequences or at least steal the trophy from whichever evil land of 'non dog eaters' who do win it. If they do not do this as I wish, they know what will happen!'' he said as he mimicked a knife cutting his neck.

The deluded leader then went on say that if he was playing in the World Cup they'd ''definitely win the tournament'', but sadly due to filming commitments on his latest feature film 'Kim Jong Over The Cuckoo's Nest' he wouldn't be able to play, but even not being in South Africa he would probably end up being '' the top scorer and best player in the world''.

A renowned imaginary athlete and make believe sportsman, Kim Jong claimed that on his first ever round of golf he scored 3 hole in ones!. A massive feat in itself but it was on his 67th birthday when he did it. This was only witnessed by one person, Dong Yi Lui who was working as Kim Jong's caddy at the time. Dong disappeared after he told national newspaper The Daily Oppressor ''Of course it never happened, he was rubbish....he kept missing the ball and claiming ''that's what I wanted to do!, now throw the ball down that grassy area for me to try again!''.

When questioned over whether or not he had ordered Dong's execution, the highly strung munchkin judge of 'North Korea's Got Talent' said ''That's mental, he was obviously as nutty as a cheesecake!.....now, have I ever told you about the time I landed a spaceship on the moon with no prior training!!''

To help his team become World Champions Kim Jong-il has flown his personal chef to South Africa to feed the squad with popular North Korean delicacies such as Rice and Poodles, Sausage Dog Rolls and German Shepherds Pie.

Socceraid game only official function where Jonathan Wilkes can be called 'celebrity'

2010-06-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

Last night saw the annual Socceraid football match to raise money for the victims of the Haiti earthquake. The game at Old Trafford brought together many great players of the past and Jamie Redknapp as well as some celebrities and Jonathan Wilkes.

The game was organised by part time overweight karaoke singer Robbie Williams (pictured above during a brief 'non smug' period), who spoke of the good that the game would bring to some of the worst affected areas of Haiti.

''There are some places in Haiti that haven't even got a radio, let alone an i-pod to listen to me on.....can you believe that....imagine what it must be like not to be able to hear my music!'' said the self righteous Port Vale supporter. ''I plan not to stop raising money until every home in Haiti is back to normal, then the least they could do to repay me is to buy my new album 'The Dick is back In Town'....''.

One of the victims of the earthquake, Oscar Cardozo, who lost his home in the disaster, was flown over to enjoy the match and appeared on ITV with Robbie Williams in the studio with presenter Dermot O'Leary before the game.

Williams said ''Honestly Dermot, people like this little fella here, a little homeless fella like Oscar have lost everything. I mean its bad enough to lose your home......... but your entire record collection....nightmare scenario.....unless you had Gary Barlow's solo album 'Open Road'....eh Oscar..haha'' he chuckled as he gave Cardozo a playful punch.

''But seriously Dermie, I plan not to rest until Oscar here and all his compatriots all have at the very least a CD player to hear me on!.....that's a promise''.

''Wow, that's great news there from the Robster, eh Oscar!?'' said O'Leary enthusiastically

''I told mister Robbie he really really didn't have to do that, we'd rather he didn't!!'' pleaded the Haitian.

The match itself ended 2-2, leading to a penalty shootout which The Rest Of The World team won 8-7. The scorer of the winning penalty then surprisingly earned an call up to his country's World Cup squad!.

The player in question was star of Kingpin Woody Harrelson, who only played 7 minutes of the second half and immediately got drafted into the USA squad by manager Bob Bradley, who claimed ''He's easily the best player I've seen since Sly Stallone.'' The ex Cheers buffoon scored the winning penalty despite having to be told where the penalty spot was, slotting the ball past the England keeper Jamie Theakston, who had previously saved 4 penalties......all by accident.

Robbie Williams summed up the evenings entertainment. ''Its just great to get some charity publicity for the charity and for me. I mean where else could you get Zidane, Ryan Giggs, Mike Myers, Woody Harrelson and a tramp to play football together''.

''A tramp? wheres the tramp Robbie?'' asked O'Leary

''That fella in the hat!'' replied the singer

''That's Ricky Hatton!'' claimed the X factor presenter

''Is it?, the one who's been tucking into the sausage rolls all day?....I thought he was a homeless''

The England teams manager Harry 'the tax evader' Redknapp spoke to Sports In Shorts after the game.

''Ok, so it wasn't a great game but at least Olly Murs has found something he's good at, and by missing his penalty Paddy McGuiness has finally done something funny on telly!''. Said the hound faced Spurs manager before he had to go, as he needed fly to South Africa to sign constant transfer target Jermain Defoe, whom he hasn't yet signed in this transfer window.

Fabregas to play in World Cup ''with broken everything'' says Spanish doctor

2010-06-02T23:53:00.000-07:00

Would be Barcelona bench sitter Cesc Fabregas (pictured above playing in his usual position of injured) has been selected for Spain's World Cup squad despite being diagnosed with having ''a broken everything!'' by Spanish team doctor Emilio Santiago.

''I have never seen a player with as many injuries!?'' said Santiago at yesterdays Spanish team press conference just before the squad jetted off to Cape Town.

''He's got at least 2 broken legs that we know of, a disintegrated achilles, an unsatisfied ankle, malicious knee trouble and a lazy left foot......he's just got a broken everything!''.

Despite having nearly every major injury a footballer dreads, he has still been selected because manager Luis Aragones only other option of cover was Marcos Senna of Villareal, a player he has never forgiven for being black!.

Aragones told the Spanish press ''He (Fabregas) may be injured but at least with him you know what you're gonna get......a younger less greasy version of Peter Andre!!....but still the voice of an angel..........and he's not black''.

Arsenal yesterday turned down a reported offer from Barcelona of £35 million for Fabregas, which Arsene Wenger commented on from his Miami hotel where he is currently supporting The Pussycat Dolls on their North American tour.

''We have no intention of selling Le Cesc, I hope Barcelona stop flirting with him like he is a cheap suit. There is no way I want £35 million to spend in the summer...I'd be forced to buy somebody decent!....now, if you excuse me, I must go work on my set list.''

Capello selects 'Owen Goal' as 4th striker

2010-06-01T00:43:00.000-07:00

Wrinkled Italian Fabio Capello (pictured above waving goodbye to Theo Walcott) has shocked the football world by selecting a striker that by his own admission he ''knows little about''.

The player in question is Chesham United forward Owen Goal, who is said to be ''delighted but not surprised'' at his inclusion in the World Cup squad and was also quick to rubbish reports that the only reason he had been selected was because his name sounds a little bit like Own goal, a player who has served Capello well in his reign as England head coach.

''To be honest, I think my call up has come 4 years too late, in 2006 I had a cracking season scoring 14 goals but Sven overlooked me back then. I'm just glad to be going to a World Cup!'' said the confident Ryman league player yesterday, following the announcement.

When questioned over the rumours circulating that his call up had just been an admin error, Goal said ''Naa mate, 9 goals in the Ryman League speaks for itself. He (Capello) isn't daft, he knows a prolific striker when he sees one and he's seen me and he obviously likes what he sees!''

After a few moments hesitation he concluded ''Ok, so he hasn't seen me playing that often this season but I bet he's heard good things from me mates down the Fox and Goose!''.

Speaking inconclusively to Sports In Shorts Capello talked about the surprise selection.

''I was very impressed with Own Goal, the way he took his 2 goals against Japan was very impressive. He reminded me of a young Toto Schillaci.''

Shortly after this, Capello was told that he had selected Chesham's Goal, and he reacted by saying.

''Oh fiddle the sticks, I'm always doing this!. I am such a buttery fingers eh!?. I told my secretary to always check my spelling. Its my handywriting, its very messy you see!. This wouldn't have happened if the F and A would have brought me that Laptop computer I saw for sale at Makro.....£256 plus VAT, you cannot beat that price!. I knew it would pay for itself!''

Goal has been installed as the bookmakers favorite to finish as England's top scorer in the tournament.

Commentators dealt a blow as player with funny name not selected!

2010-05-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

French defender Rod Fanni (above) has not been selected by their eccentric manager Raymond Domenech for their World Cup squad. This move has upset many commentators from every English speaking country attending the upcoming tournament who saw the Stade Rennes defenders name as mildly amusing and easy to make a pun about.

''You need players with names like his in tournaments. Commentating may sound interesting and sexy but the reality is you have to spend a lot of time with Mick McCarthy, which can drag you down after a while!. You need funny names to keep you interested.'' commented BBC's Steve Wilson.

He went on to say ''I'm gutted he's not going because I've got loads of fanny related gags and puns which I wanted to use. Like Fanni licked for pace or he really put it up Fanni or Fanni was open wide and willing to receive!. So now I've got to get the squad lists out and see where the other funny names are......theres gotta be a South Korean eh!?.....its a pity Jamaica aren't here, they have a player called Ivor Hardon.''

Wilson's BBC colleague John Motson also spoke on the subject. ''Incidentally, he would have been the first player called Fanni to have played in the FIFA World Cup and everybody knows there are at least a couple of dicks in the England squad!.''

Sports In Shorts goes World Cup Mental

2010-05-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

Popular sports blog Sports In Shorts will be going World Cup mental for the duration of this summers tournament.

We will be bringing you exclusive news from now until the final game from all the major teams and France as well.

Our team of sarcastic football writers (Corey Lavender and DC if he can remember his log on) have been sent off to bring you the news that should not be used as fact to impress your mates!.
So tune in to this frequency on a regular basis or to our sister blog Sports In Shorts HD for as much World Cup news that you could possibly ever need!.

Strauss forgets he's England captain!!

2010-05-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

Andrew Strauss (pictured above) has admitted in an interview with Sky Sports News that he ''totally forgot he was still England's Test and One Day International captain''.

Strauss decided not to go on the tour of Bangladesh earlier this year, missing 3 One Day Internationals and 2 Test Matches because, by his own admission ''he wanted to catch up with all the 'Deal Or No Deals' he Sky Plussed over the winter!.''

Speaking in March, Strauss said ''Give me a break!, I'm not going to that god forsaken Bangradash place........I can't be bothered, honestly it's just one boring tour after another. I need a break!. I've got a Sky Box full of Deal or No Deals which aren't gonna watch themselves!.''

So with the impending return visit of Bangladesh the selectors asked Strauss who he wanted in his team for the first test starting today (27th May).

Strauss said ''When they asked me who I wanted to pick, I thought......why they asking me? then I figured that I must still be skipper, I think it's with having a break, catching up on a few things and not being good enough at that Twenty20 stuff to get in the squad. I just forgot about the game...then Colly (Paul Collingwood) led England to victory in the World Twenty20 World Cup, I just presumed he'd be the Captain from now on...honestly I'd forget my own bollocks if they weren't attached!.''

Strauss concluded with his thoughts on team selection. ''To be fair, it doesn't matter who we pick to play Bangerladish does it? if we played my mum as wicketkeeper we ought to win!.....na, joking I am, I'm only pulling ya boob mate!. To be honest, I know I forgot I was captain but I do love this job, standing around in the sun all day ordering people about!....its great!....but I leave team selection to people that know about the game.''

Blackpool go into administration within minutes of being in Premier League

2010-05-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

Premier League newcomers Blackpool went into administration within 10 minutes of being promoted after winning their Play Off final against Cardiff City at Wembley on Saturday.

The Lancashire outfit announced that due to 'overspending' by the current regime in their brief spell in the top league the club could not maintain the 'huge' wage bill which had built up, cumulating in the decision made at 5.05pm Saturday evening.

Following the final whistle after the 3-2 win over the Welsh team, Ian Holloway by his own admission 'couldn't believe how much money he had to spend' and 'got carried away' by immediately putting a bid in for Barcelona's Lionel Messi. ''I was like a kid in a cheese shop'' the eccentric manager commented.

The Catalan giants were said to be keen on the offer, which was a reported £97 million plus Brett Ormorod, but the move was called off because Ormorod didn't want to move out of Lancashire to Spain, saying ''It's not everyday you get the chance to play for a top team in a top league......which is why I'm staying at Blackpool!.''

Holloway, speaking to Sports In Shorts said ''After the Messi move broke down I got real, and started to concentrate on transfer targets which were more likely to happen, which Is why I launched the highest spending spree in the clubs history, buying Premier League stalwarts Robert Earnshaw for £9 million, Jimmy Bullard for £6 million on £97k a week, and Robbie Keane for £14 million. But my biggest coup of all was the Free signing of Michael Owen from Man U, he's good int he?, well worth the £250k a week I agreed to pay him.''

This spell of reckless spending meant that by 5.04pm the club had overspent next years budget, and the next 4 years parachute payments already, leaving the Board of Directors no choice but to go into administration.

Cardiff City financial fuckwit Peter Ridsdale spoke to Sky Sports after the game, ''To be honest I'm gutted, I've been cooking up a ridiculously stupid piece of overspending the world has never seen before. Well, at least since my time at Leeds, I reckon I could have had Cardiff out of business a good 5 mins before they (Blackpool) were!.....amateurs.''

Holloway added ''To be fair, we've had a great run in the top league, it was good while it lasted, so if we get relegated before we've been promoted then so be it. At least we've got our health eh.''
He ended the interview with another pearl of wisdom. ''As Michael Barrymore once said, there is always someone worse off than yourself....and that person is Portsmouth....I've been Ian Holloway...goodnight''.

Gary Neville says ''I didn't even want to go to South Africa''

2010-05-18T12:28:00.001-07:00

Manchester United's anger prone defender Gary Neville (sort of pictured above) has admitted that he didn't even want to go to this summers World Cup tournament in South Africa, so was glad England boss Fabio Capello didn't include him in his provisional 30 man squad.

Capello selected his squad using the newly patented 'Capello Index' which he invented with his mother Dierdre in Turin.

The Index only selected one recognised right back in Glen Johnson with no other player in his position being deemed 'good enough', instead selecting part time right back Jamie Carragher to fill the role in combination with his usual role as 'whinger'.

Neville speaking to Sports In Shorts spoke of his omission.

''I'm probably the best right back in the world, definitely England and without doubt the best in Manchester, but the reason I didn't get picked by Fabio is because I didn't even want to go to South Africa.......in a way. Anyway, me and Phil have booked to go to Drayton Manor in June so I can't even go now even if Mr Stupid Pants Capello wants me to go, we've pre booked our tickets and everything so there!.''

The Capello Index picks players on a number of qualities , which include ability, pace, looks, political persuasion and skill, but it was the controversial category of 'Moustache growing ability' which let Neville down, scoring only 'infant' out of the maximum available score of 'Kevin Webster'.

Bellamy picks fight with Bellamy!

2010-05-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

Manchester City bully Craig Bellamy [pictured above chatting to a fan] last night got into a 'war of words' with his great rival and nemesis Craig Bellamy.

The Welsh striker was talking to Sky Sports reporter Andy Burton after Wednesday nights Premier League '4th place showdown' loss to Tottenham Hotspur when he launched an astonishing attack on himself.

''I thought that most of us played really well, but sadly there were a couple of our own players who were shocking tonight Andy.....pardon my Welsh but there were!. The number 39 especially....Bellamy, everyone in the game knows what he's like...so I don't need to say anything, except I'm not shocked by how bad he was tonight even though I said I was shocked earlier....I'm not. As I say, everyone in football knows what Bellamy is like so that's all I'm gonna say.''

Burton then confronted Bellamy about his outburst. ''But Craig,...... you're Bellamy!!, are you saying you had a bad game?.''

''Yes I am, I'm fed up with tip toeing round myself, not telling myself if I'm playing badly. But today I was bad, I'm sorry, I know you shouldn't bad mouth teammates, but I was terrible. everyone in the game knows what I'm like so lets leave it at that.''

In other Manchester City news, 'boss' Roberto Mancini has clung on to a leadership coup fronted by 'panto villain' Garry Cook. Cook the clubs answer to a Chief Executive had been canvassing in the local area and believed he had the 'popular vote' amongst City fans to attempt to topple the current management team. But after he tried storming the residential palace of Mancini late last night, he admitted defeat after a 'mix up with his sat nav' had taken him to the home of elderly bigot Gillian Duffy, who told him exactly what she thought of the clubs middle eastern recruitment policy.

Attendances fall following popularity of 3D football!

2010-05-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

Premier league attendances have dramatically fallen in the last month following the rise in the number of 3D televised matches.

Sky Sports now show at least one game a week in the new '3D' format which means that fans of the chosen clubs no longer need to venture to the actual ground. Instead they can venture to one of the chosen pubs hosting the broadcast, wearing the specially designed glasses.

Back in the 1980's when the first wave of 3D films were released, the glasses were the 'weak link' in the technology with the cardboard frames and red/green plastic lenses often having only a shelf live of 10 minutes before the wearer would become increasingly frustrated with them falling off and generally being shit and would put them in a draw at their mums house only to be found 13 years later!.

Nowadays though, the 'modern 3D glasses' are so camouflaged you would hardly notice somebody wearing them [pictured above]. If you concentrate on the image above, after a while you may realise that the people pictured are actually wearing 3D glasses!.

Inventor of the new glasses Prof Graeme Souness said this. ''We wanted to make something that wouldn't make people stand out and look silly when they were watching football in 3D. That was the problem years ago, but I think you'll agree that you could pretty much wear these things all day and no one would even notice!?!.''

Manchester City fan Dick Moore spoke to Sports In Shorts after his teams 3D experience against Tottenham Hotspur last night.

''It's the future int it!, 3D's great. It's like I was actually at the match but in a pub at the match. I used to go down to Middle-Eastlands but theres no need to risk it anymore!. 3D's like being at the match but on the telly, and everythings better on telly!. I just can't wait to see what they do next....I mean, do you think they will ever have the technology to actually be at the game but to be able to watch it live in 3D?. That'd be something wouldn't it!?!.....it'd be like real 3D.....there probly would'nt be any need to put it on telly........ I wonder if we'd still need glasses?.''

Gerrard makes impressive debut for new club!

2010-05-02T11:48:00.000-07:00

Ex Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard [pictured above chasing a fleeing DJ] made an impressive debut for his new club Chelsea's win against Liverpool, the club that sold him just hours earlier!.

Details of the move have yet to be realeased but it is thought that the Londoners paid at least £30 million for the midfielder. They also agreed that he would be allowed to wear his beloved Liverpool kit for the game in order to say goodbye to his faithful fans.

Liverpool were put in a situation where a win or a draw would have put a record winning 19th league title on the cards for great rivals Manchester United, a situation where many 'fans' admitted that they would prefer the scousers to 'roll over' and let Chelsea win.

After the game, Sky's Geoff Shreeves questioned manager Rafa Benitez about if he told his team to 'take it easy' for the game.

''What do I care!?!, I'm off to Turin soon innit!''

New signing Gerrard put a precise through ball to Didier Drogba midway through the first half who rounded the keeper Reina and tapped the ball into the net. Frank Lampard slid in a second in the second half to take the win and probably the title back to Stamford Bridge.

Burnley to be re-nickmaned ''The non stop losers''

2010-04-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

Soon not to be Premier League outfit Burnley, have changed their club nickname by deed poll to 'cash in' on their losing run!.

The Lancashire team who have lost 10 of their last 9 games took the decision after yet another loss last Sunday to Liverpool. Manager Brian Laws [pictured above] spoke to Sports In Shorts after the 4-0 defeat.

''It's a right laugh here at Burnley to be honest!, the management don't really take it seriously and neither do the board.........I mean if they did, why would they have appointed me??....I'm gonna be the only manager to have relegated 2 teams in the same season if Sheffield Wednesday get relemergated as well!. If they do, I did the donkey work for it so I don't want Alan (Irvine) to get the credit!.

So we just have a laugh with it, a couple of us got lagered up in Wetherspoon's and went down to the deed poll office and changed the nickname from 'The Clarets' to 'The Non Stop Losers'......how goods that!!!.....only cost me £36 as well.....reet bargain!.....and the way I see it is, if we're called 'The Non Stop Losers' how can I be fired if we lose??.......it's our nickname!!....gettit?''.

For the last couple of games I'm gonna play Graham Alexander in goal and Brian Jensen up front as well, you know...have a bit of a laugh with it....... football takes itself too seriously, at least here I can just be myself.......a right joker.........honestly, I'm mental, ask anyone here!. Whilst I was down there I also changed my name to Brain Lawmaker''.

Roy Carroll claims ''In Denmark I'm considered a good keeper!?!''

2010-04-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

Former Manchester United goal conceder Roy Carroll, has claimed in an interview with FourFourTwo magazine that he has not taken a backward step by joining the Danish Super League outfit Odense BK!?!.

The Northern Irish keeper is probably best known for preventing 'the goal that never was' (pictured above) when playing for Man Utd against Tottenham Hotspur in 2005. Spurs midfielder Pedro Mendes took a shot from the halfway line which beat Carroll who backpeddled and pushed the ball back out of the goal. The referee and linesman failed to give the goal even though it was at least 2 weeks over the line!.

But in the summer of 2009 after leaving Derby County, Carroll failed to find an English based club who thought he was worth paying, so he took up an offer from the Danish team who immediately made him the most well paid player in their history.

''Here in Denmark, there are a number of things to get used to....for example, they drive on the opposite side of the road, they have winter for 9 months of the year, it's a criminal offense to publicly criticise 'Great Dane' and national hero Peter Schmeichel, but the wages of £120 a week after Danish tax make it all worth while.......... but I suppose the most difficult thing to adjust to over here was the fact that here I am considered a decent keeper!?!.

Many people back home might be thinking that I've taken a backward step by moving to Denmark but you've got to remember.....I've played at Wigan!!......once you've been there...anywhere you go will be paradise!!''.

EU directive passed to make French Cricket replace Cricket

2010-04-25T12:21:00.000-07:00

The world of cricket is set to radically change over the next 5 years following a new law passed in Brussels which labels the sport of Cricket in it's current form as 'racist' and 'non European'.

The new directive came after a complaint was raised by the French government at an EU Sports & Leisure conference saying that the Cricket playing nations of the world but mainly only the English, were ridiculing France for their version of the game which is commonly played using the batsman's legs as the wicket and a baguette as a bat! (pictured above).

Far too complicated!

The EU found in favor of France, stating that all current forms of Cricket were 'racist towards Europe', 'non European',and 'far too complicated'. So from 2015 'Cricket' will be phased out and replaced by 'French Cricket' which will be renamed 'Euro Cricket' or 'Le whack le ball game avec le baton baguette'.

In addition there will be several other major changes:

1) All bowling to be underarm and slow to give Gran's a chance of hitting the ball.
2) Games never to last longer than 25 minutes as 'working time regulations' could be broken if played any longer without a break.
3) Tennis balls to be used instead of Cricket balls as they are far too hard and dangerous.
4) All games to be played on beaches.

Absolute Disgrace!

The planned changes have caused a huge wave of disapproval from Cricket aficionado's, including professional Yorkshire man Sir Geoffrey Boycott. Speaking from his mouth in his broad Yorkshire accent he said, ''It's an absolute disgrace!, them bloody French are ruining the sport that I ruined years ago in the 1980's!. They want to mind their own croissants!. You can't play Cricket in France!!........, that's like playing beach volleyball in Barnsley!.........its political correctness gone bi-polar......Fred Trueman's ashes will be spinning in their grave!!''.

O'Sullivan may NOT quit Snooker this year!?!

2010-04-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

The world of snooker has been rocked by the news that Ronnie O'Sullivan will NOT be falling out of love with the game and quitting this year.

Annual Tradition

O'Sullivan (34) has made it an annual tradition to claim he has lost interest and love for the pub game, usually after he gets knocked out of the World Championships. But the man from Essex has admitted in an interview with Sports In Shorts that he longer has the interest and love for losing interest and falling out of love.

Speaking to our South Yorkshire reporter Corey Lavender from the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield O'Sullivan spoke about his decision.

''It's not that I don't love not loving snooker anymore, I just don't feel the same level of love for losing the love of the game at the moment!. I'm not saying this is going to last forever, I might have regained the enthusiasm for losing enthusiasm next year.....who can tell?!?. I just need to take time out from taking time out of the so called sport, concentrate on playing, and maybe next year I'll be fed up with not being fed up and quit the game again''.

O'Sullivan has quit the game on no fewer than five occasions, all of which have been after humiliating defeats at the showpiece Sheffield tournament. But on each occasion he has returned to the game with a new found optimism for a month or so, but even O' Sullivan's family have noticed a change in the self proclaimed 'Essex Depressionator'.

Killer Dad

His heavily tanned mother Maria has always taken the blame for O'Sullivan's many problems. Speaking last night she said ''I feel responsible for Ronnie's mental problems, if I hadn't have got involved with his gangster killing Dad he might have been normal stable lad,....but I suppose that ideally if his Dad hadn't gone out killing people then he might not be so highly strung........... but you live and learn don't you!?!, but I've definitely seen a change in Ronnie this year, he's different and has lost the interest of losing interest.....he's growing up!''.

Leaders TV debate sparks war of words over Zamora!

2010-04-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

The second televised Prime ministerial debate between the leaders of the main UK political parties and Nick Clegg, sparked an angry exchange over the differing views held over whether or not Fulham's Bobby Zamora should be included in England's World Cup squad.

Audience member William Sowter asked the question ''With the World Cup approaching, who would you all pick as the 4th forward in England's squad?''. Ringmaster Adam Boulton asked Gordon Brown to answer first.

Crouch gives you growth

''Walter, you are probably like me and really think that stability is what we, and when I say WE I mean England because I DO want England to win the World Series Cup games in South America, we need. If you're after a good performance then you SHOULDN'T pick someone like Peter Crouch, but if you want results and growth then Peter is surely the man to go for?. Now isn't the time to risk falling into football obscurity again, and picking someone like Bobby Zamora would jeopardise our national football climate. With Crouchy, you get height, stature, Abby Clancy and the robot dance, with Bobby Zamora you get the barn door being missed and embarrassing songs like ''When the ball hits your head and you're sat in row Z, that's Zamora''. For real results...pick Peter Crouch!''.

Lies

Next to speak was David Cameron. ''Firstly, can I just say this whilst looking straight down the camera and looking shiny-er than ever......, Hi it's me Dave, what the men , women and black community are telling me as I meet them up and down this great country of ours is that they want change, and by 'change' I mean 'not the same', and by 'not the same' I mean NOT Peter Crouch. This government need to make difficult decisions, and they are failing you by telling you they want Peter Crouch to go to South Africa. The lies they have been spreading about a Conservative government wanting to pick Michael Owen are scandalous to say the least. Our manifesto clearly states that we should pick an Englishman wherever possible for the England team unless absolutely necessary, and the WILD rumours saying my Party would bring back the old players of the 90's are so wide of the mark...Peter Crouch could have kicked it himself!. A vote for Conservative is a vote for guaranteed goals....vote Zamora!'' he said looking really pleased with himself.

Bickering

Lastly Nick Clegg addressed the subject. ''Walter, if I can call you that?, I've got some inside knowledge on this subject, as I did work experience for the FA when Sven Goran Erikkson was in charge. And Walter, if you don't mind me saying that?, ........these two remind me of Lawro and Hansen bickering on Match Of The Day!, of course we shouldn't pick Michael Owen, of course we shouldn't pick Bobby Zamora, and of course we shouldn't pick Peter Crouch!. We in the Liberal Democrats Walter ....if I can mention you again?........believe that WHY make this decision yet?. We have 6 weeks left until the squad needs to be announced, so why make the decision yet?. Consider all the options like Emile Heskey, Kevin Davies or Kevin Phillips and let the best player win. So if I could answer the question that Walter asked in the first place........we in the liberal Democrats would not pick anyone for the squad''.

Neville and Scholes come clean over relationship!

2010-04-18T13:34:00.000-07:00

Manchester United's Gary Neville and Paul Scholes have come clean about their 'friendship' after they 'forgot themselves' and let themselves go too far in front of the Eastlands crowd last Saturday.

Embraced

Scholes who scored in the 93rd minute to snatch a last minute winner over their rivals Manchester City ran straight to Neville and the two embraced (pictured above) before Gary grabbed Scholes and started furiously kissing the gingerman.

Speaking after the game Scholes, who is notoriously a man of few words mumbled ''Ball came in, me headed it, it went in,...ran to Gary, he kissed me''. But Neville spoke more affectionately about the clinch. ''Scholesy is a ruddy beauty isn't he!?, seeing him score the winner.....man, I just wanted to eat the little fella up...you think that was a kiss?, you should see what I'll do to him tonight!''.

Theres not many men I'd let kiss me

Scholes who rarely gives interviews spoke last night to our Manchester correspondent ''Gary's a good kisser, definitely one of the best I've ever had.....it's his moustache that makes him more manly I reckon?!?. Theres not many men I'd let kiss me, but if the likes of Gary or his brothers Phil or Franck want to snog you.....you don't let moments like that pass!''.

ECB chief admits ''County Championship is as pointless as Deal or No Deal!''

2010-04-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

The chairman of the English Cricket board Giles Clarke has admitted in an interview with Sports In Shorts that the English County Championship is ''as pointless as Deal or No Deal!''.

Jazzing Up

Speaking yesterday, Clarke said ''It's difficult to know what to do with our County Championship to make it more popular???, do we merge some teams together so there are less counties so therefore less matches?, do we make games last only 2 days instead of 4......I mean who in their right mind wants to sit through 4 days of that dross??....not me, that's who...... another idea we had was to jazz it up by 'glamming' teams up in fancy dress...so Derbyshire might play dressed as the YMCA boys against Glamorgan, who might be dressed as say.... the Spice Girls.....all these ideas are being considered at the moment. One things for sure, as it stands the County Championship is as pointless as Deal or No Deal!.....which makes me Noel Edmond's I guess'?!?!''.

Suffering

Cricket in England is also suffering from the money available in the Indian Premier League, which means that Counties are finding their best players are preferring to play in India at the start of the English season rather than their regular team. Clarke also has ideas of how to solve this problem. ''Ahhh the IPL..... now thats made our job in England difficult.....how can we compete?.......we could start the EPL perhaps?, or we could invade India again and make it...like...another England......like an England 2 if you like...just like the old days......except with better weather and crowded trains...... but the easiest thing to do is probably just scare our players into not going by saying terrorists will bomb them if they go!''.

Radio Five's Mike Ingham blasts Taylor's expert analysis!

2010-04-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

Graham Taylor the ex manager of Aston Villa was attacked verbally on air on Saturday evening by his colleague and chief football reporter Mike Ingham.

Taylor , who was once likened to a garden vegetable by The Sun newspaper (irony) , gave some of the best punditary ever heard on British radio as the summariser on the Tottenham Hotspur versus Chelsea Premier League game.

Expert Analysis

With Chelsea 2-0 down to Spurs and 10 minutes left on the clock, Taylor said ''Mike (Ingham) Chelsea are 2-0 down, if they want to win, they'll have to score 3 goals! Fact....'' Ingham responded by saying ''Well....yes, that goes without saying I suppose Graham doesn't it??'' before Taylor quipped ''But Mike, what you're not thinking about is, if Chelsea don't score in the next 10 minutes, they won't have scored in this game!''.
''Well, yes,....again..... thats obvious isn't it Graham..anyone could say that, we need expert analysis from you, not spurting out bleeding obvious crap like that......you're quite the football philosopher aren't you!?!'' Ingham said with more than a hint of sarcasm. ''Thanks Mike'' the ex England boss added.

Insane Ramblings

At full time after Frank Lampard had given Chelsea hope with a late goal, Taylor annoyed his colleague again with yet more insane ramblings. ''Mike, it's looking more and more likely that Chelsea won't get anything from this game'' he said. Ingham fired back ''Of course they won't get anything from this game.....it's over.....full time......when that man in the black blows his feckin whistle.....thats it...game over...no more!''. ''Mike, I think it's worth pointing to the viewers on the radio back home or in their motor vehicles, that John Terry getting sent off today meant that Chelsea could only play with ten players!, compared with Spurs being able to play with eleven......so thats one more player........but when they start their next game they will more likely than not start with eleven players again.....sendings off only last for the game it happens in, so they shouldn't get surprised by that!''.

Taylor concluded the summing up of the match by saying, ''Spurs have secured a vital win today which could well mean they have won another 3 points, whereas Chelsea will have to take the no points they won today and hope it will be enough at the end of the day which in this case is a season''.

Van Persie says ''I can't be arsed with raping anymore!''

2010-04-15T00:17:00.001-07:00

Arsenal's frail striker Robin Van Persie (pictured above) has admitted that for the first time in his life he no longer feels the need to go out raping!.

Gone a bit Noel Edmunds!

The Dutchman came to this decision whilst recuperating from the latest in a long line of injury lay offs. Speaking to our North London correspondent Van Persie spoke of his decision. ''If you'd have asked me 5 years ago that I'd be given up the raping, I'd have said you'd 'gone a bit Noel Edmunds', but it's honestly the way I feel!. I've had a long time on the treatment table and a lot of time on my own, and it's times like that you realise that no matter how much money you've got, women just don't want to hang round with rapists...fact!''.

Can't be arsed with raping anymore!

Van Persie then went on to describe some of the inspiration behind his decision, ''I was sat there watching Loose Women when it hit me, I thought if Kieron Dyer can give up spit-roasting, Steven Gerrard can give up DJ punching, David Pleat can stop curb crawling and Glenn Hoddle can give up insulting disabled's....then why the hell can't I stop raping!?!. So from that day I've just stopped!, I know the experts tell you that you shouldn't just give up altogether or you might go 'cold chicken', but it seems to have worked for me. I just can't be arsed with raping anymore......it's so 2004!!''.

The forward used to average 5 or 6 rapes a week in his peak and in 2006 won the unwanted title of 'Dutch Raper Of The Year' but he insists those days are behind him. ''I've turned over a new branch, from now on all my raping is going to be done on the pitch, and by raping I mean scoring........of goals in the hole...I mean net.....goals in the net''.

Van Persie made a successful comeback from injury last night in the North London derby against Tottenham Hotspur, and a visit to Spearmint Rhino's afterwards also passed without any major incidents.

Woods injures wrist whilst watching Babestation!

2010-04-07T00:22:00.000-07:00

Tiger Woods has sustained a 'nasty wrist injury' whilst 'minding his own business' in his Augusta hotel room.

The shamed golf club swinger had retired to his suite at the Lusty Palms Hotel Complex after his first day on any golf course in 5 months, but within 30 minutes he had called for emergency help saying he had 'gotten a cramp in my trigger fingers!'.

Old Habits

When the news first broke last night many feared that Woods had lapsed into his old habit of luring waitresses into his room, but his agent Bunny Powers 'assured' fans that nobody else was involved and it was a 'purrfectly innocent' injury which could have happened to anybody. Powers said this to the gathering media at the hotel. ''I just want to assure fans that Tiger is ok, there was nobody else with him when his wrist got injured, it was just a perfectly innocent injury sustained when he realised that he had accidentally turned the Babestation channel on his television!. He was so desperate to change the channel away from the scantily clad bed ridden writhing girls it was showing, that he was too heavy handed with his remote control''.

Furious Tugging

Powers went on to say ''Tiger told me that no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't achieve a successful channel change and it was then that he decided to take the batteries out of the remote!. He tugged furiously at the battery section of the controller but still no reaction!''.

Going at it like a Tom Cat

Powers finished by saying ''Tiger admitted to me that he feels that he has let himself down for injuring himself in this way, he told me himself that he was going at his controller like a tomcat but he just couldn't shift it!''.

Woods is no longer favorite to claim the Augusta title with the injury expected to hamper his swinging for some time to come.

Ribery meets long lost brother!

2010-03-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

Sports In Shorts can sensationally reveal that the long suspected lost 'third Neville brother' is none other than Bayern Munich's face for the radio Franck Ribery!! (pictured above using the photo he provided to www.Lovematch.com).

When the boys were babies, parents Neville and Mary Neville realised they couldn't cope with 3 boys who all had that 'lost vacant look!', so they offered the worse one up for adoption. A French family took the young boy and they named him Franck, and he grew up not knowing he was adopted, in rural France.

The Neville boys Dad, Neville spoke to Sports In Shorts after Wednesday's Manchester United game with Bayern Munich. ''It was a huge shock to find out that the little lad we let go as a baby is Franck Ribery!. If we'd known he was going to be the talented one, we'd have given away Gary or Phil....and kept the skillful one, It's too late now isn't it...... to take him back I mean!?!''.

You can tell it's him though, he's got his mothers scar and everything!!'', Neville added.

Gary, Phil (who had gone to Germany with Dad Neville) and Franck had an awkward meeting after the game, with Gary saying ''Soooo.....you like football then?'', Franck replied ''Yez, I like le football very much!''. ''Me and Phil like defending...don't we Phil!?'' Gary said with authority ''Ummm yeah!?!'' a be wilded Phil added before saying ''Wait Gaz..... which ones defending again?''. ''Shut up Phil....don't embarrass us... Dad, Phil's embarrassing me!'' Gary whinged, before Ribery went on to say ''Defending!?, non, I prefer le attacking and le scoring of le goals''.

There are no further plans for the boys to get together, with Ribery telling friends he feels hanging around with the Neville lads may make him hated at every ground he plays at......even when he's at home!.

Ji Sung Park boldly goes where no South Korean has gone before!

2010-03-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

Manchester United's South Korean midfielder Ji Sung Park (above) has recently revealed the secrets to his footballing success.

Last week Park spoke of how his mum Maureen used to feed him 'frog juice' when he was little, to help build him into the 5ft 6'' man he is today. But this week he has revealed that his Dad, Dave had an even more profound effect on his life!.

Speaking to Sports In Shorts Park explained how. ''My Dad wanted me to have success in life but also with humility, which is why he taught me the ways of the 'Vulcan's'!.
He made me watch every episode of Star Trek and every film they made.......even that dreadful Wrath Of Khan rubbish!, and I soon realised that I wanted to be just like Mr Spock!.

Not only was he clever but he had special powers as well, I haven't discovered my own special power yet but Dad says it could be any day now!. So when I'm not in my Man U top, you'll always find me wearing blue, that's why I always play better when we're away!....plus I never say 'goodbye', I always say 'live long and prosper' and I got my hair done just like my hero too!''.

Park isn't the first sportsman to emulate their favorite film star, Eric Cantona famously played out a scene from 'Karate Kid 5 - Selhurst Park Showdown' in 1995 when he got sent off for Man Utd against Crystal Palace. As he walked past a well wishing fan on his way to the tunnel, Cantona got the wrong end of the stick with what the fan was saying and flew at the poor man 'leg first'.

David Platt is a fan of the film 'Super size Me', and can be found at fast food joints near any ground he is working on for Sky Sports as he tries to fatten himself up for Christmas!. Our reporter caught up with David last Sunday in Burnley when he said, ''Can't talk....eating....are you gonna have those chips?''.

Bad things come to Lewis Hamilton In 3's!

2010-03-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

McClaren's second best driver Lewis Hamilton has had a week he would like to forget about, with 3 things going wrong for the ex World Champion!.

Firstly, on the Thursday before the Australian Grand Prix in Melbourne, the young British driver was caught speeding in his hire car on the streets of the city.
When asked his name, Hamilton said he was called 'Jenson', however a quick witted policeman was suspicious of this as the name on the helmet of the driver said 'Lewis Hamilton', it also had Hamilton's name splashed on the side of the car, all this in addition to Hamilton's photo on the bonnet of the car did not fool the arresting officer James Kilbride, who arrested Hamilton for speeding and impersonating a decent driver.

Secondly, in the main race on Sunday, Hamilton only finished in an embarrassing 5th place with his teammate and rival Jenson Button winning to take maximum points. A despondent Hamilton said after the race ''It's not my fault it's my teams fault...I'm the youngest Formula One champion ever, so it's highly unlikely to be my fault....It's their fault, It's them cos they didn't make my car faster than the other ones.......how can I win if it's not faster!!....derrrr''. He was then asked how the relationship was between him and his compatriot Button? ''Button's not better than me!?!'' Hamilton quipped back to the asking reporter.

The final act of bad luck to fall on young Lewis was perhaps the most important and serious of all. His mum phoned him on Sunday night to say that Blockbuster Video had been in touch saying their records showed that he still had a VHS copy of Driving Miss Daisy borrowed 7 years ago. The fine has amounted to £65'000 if settled immediately, but a source close to Hamilton has it that he has 'no idea' where the video is.

He did comment on the video to a passing reporter today however, saying ''I don't feckin believe it, what else is gonna go wrong!!?!, it wasn't even that good....someone told me it was about cars and shit......but there wasn't even a single car chase!!.....rubbish!''.

New Zealand FA appoint new National team manager!

2010-03-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

The New Zealand FA have appointed a new manager following the recent sacking of Ricky Herbert. Herbert guided the 'All whites' to the World Cup Finals to be held in South Africa later this year, but was sacked after 'an incident' with team mascot Terry the Sheep!.

The new boss Murray Hewitt (pictured above signing his contract), has joined the NZFA from his previous job as Deputy Attache at the New Zealand consulates office in New York. After Herbert he is the next most experienced football brain in New Zealand, having coached at a summer camp to raise extra cash during his stay in America.

Hewitt has already stamped his authority on the squad by introducing 'roll calls' at team meetings every day, by banning all team members from talking to Australians and by organising the band he manages in New York to record the New Zealand football song for the World Cup, tentatively titled 'Who wants to rock the football party?'

Hewitt speaking to Sports In Shorts said ''Wow,..... yes... really pleased to be the new football manager of the team, I organised a rugby tour once so this should be easy....looking forward to taking the guys to Africa.....wow, Africa.....safari's...imagine that!?!''.

Our reporter then asked who he felt was the best player in the squad. Hewitt replied '' Wow, they all seem so good?!?...ummm, let's see...... the man with the gloves who can catch things seems friendly...I didn't catch his name!?!''.

He was then asked what formation his team would be playing? ''I think we'll be going in with the 11 players on the grass with the glove man looking after the net area, then keep some on the side for emergencies!!'' Hewitt said positively.

New Zealand's odds of winning the tournament have increased from 500-1 to 2500 to 1.

Bleakley fails to mention Sport Relief water ski for over five minutes!

2010-03-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

The One Shows Irish Lampard seducer Christine Bleakley, failed to mention her Cross Channel Sport Relief Water ski for over 5 minutes on last nights broadcast!.

The previous record for not mentioning the event was 2 minutes 34 seconds on Monday's show, but that was eclipsed last night (Wednesday) when neither she or Adrian Chiles talked about it for 5 minutes and 46 seconds!.

The 'non mentioning' was broken when Bleakley said ''Oh my god Adrian, have I mentioned that I just water skied across the channel!?! I don't want to repeat myself but I can't remember if I've mentioned it or not to the viewers?!?''. A weary Chiles responded with ''For pity's sake Christine, of course you've mentioned it....you always mention it,.......you haven't stopped mentioning it since you bloody tried to do it!!...then before you even attempted it you wouldn't stop mentioning that you were going to do it!''.

A visibly shocked Bleakley defended herself from her grumpy co host by saying ''Adrian, the only reason I've mentioned it is because I thought it was a worthy cause and would be a huge challenge for someone who's allergic to water!.........so when I did it I was proud of myself and the money I would raise for charity!''. ''Oh don't be stupid Christine, everybody knows you didn't do it!....they just picked you up in the boat after you couldn't keep yourself out the water at the beginning..........took you to the French coast, let you ski the last stretch and gave the idiot viewers the illusion you crossed the channel on your bloody water skis!!.... I should know cos I was there!!''.

A BBC spokesman spoke with Sports In Shorts after the accusation from Chiles. ''What Adrian said isn't true, he's just jealous that Christine's going out with Frank Lampard...he obviously still wants to jump her bones!, although it is company policy for her to mention her water ski challenge every 3 minutes at least, so she WILL get a warning for a 5 minute lapse!..... just like Chris Moyles got into trouble when he didn't mention climbing Mount Kilimanjaro for a similar time!''.

Mick McCarthy once again fails to give straight answer!

2010-03-23T12:58:00.000-07:00

Wolves manager Mick 'grumpy sod' McCarthy has once again failed to give a straight answer or not make a sarcastic comment during a television interview, for a record equaling 10th time on the trot!.

The pessimistic Irish Yorkshire man was being interviewed by Sky Sports reporter Andy Burton at Upton Park, just before his team took to the field to play West Ham Utd in Tuesday nights only Premier League game.

Burton asked the easily offended manager ''So Mick, is tonight's game the most important game in the run in to the end of the season for you?, and McCarthy responded with ''You tell me?, how do I know?, I'll tell you after the game!...all games are important or we wouldn't play them!''.
Burton then asked ''You're playing Kevin Doyle up front on his own and playing five in midfield, is that because you think tonight's game might be won or lost in this area?''. An increasingly more agitated McCarthy said ''Of course the game will be decided in the area!, that area is on the field and all games get settled on the field don't they!?!....you should know that by now you div!''.
Burton at this point realized he was in for a challenging few minutes and went with the easily answerable question of ''Would you be happy with a point tonight Mick?'', but McCarthy was in a scintillating sarcastic mood and replied ''Do you get a point for winning???, do you....no I don't think you do, do you?!?...so no course I wouldn't be....the Irish never play not to win!''
Burton was now frustrated at being made to look silly on prime time TV and blurted out ''You were born in Barnsley you toss-pot!!'' before storming off and adding ''If only Keano had done him in years ago.........''.

The long faced McCarthy simply looked at the camera with a wry smile and added ''He dunt seem happy does he viewers!?!''.

McCarthy's new book 'I'm not being sarcastic, I'm just stupid!' is on sale from next Monday from shops that sell books.

More Messi fans fall out of the closet!

2010-03-21T13:59:00.000-07:00

Following his amazing hat trick at the weekend, more of the worlds football commentators have developed crushes on Argentinian wonder boy Lionel Messi! (above).

Sky Sports coverage of Barcelona's victory over Real Zaragoza was overshadowed by commentator Kevin Keatings saying ''My word Gerry, that Messi has a gorgeous foot doesn't he!?!'' when he scored the first goal, then co commentator Gerry Armstrong claimed ''I tell you what Kevin, that kid could pin a tail on a donkey with his left foot'' when the second went in, but most shocking of all when the third and best goal was scored, Keatings said ''Pele, Best and Zamora........don't even compare to this kid if you rolled them all up and made a 'superplayer'.......he's holier than Mother Theresa, The Dalai Lama and Jeremy Kyle and he's as beautiful as Christine Bleakley, Megan Fox and Peter Beardsley.....Gerry...thats the guy I want to marry!'' to a dumbfounded Armstrong. ''I just think he's a great footballer Kevin!?!?'' Armstrong replied before an embarrassed Keatings said ''Yeah...god yeah, so do I, that about me wanting to marry him was just me commentating,......I didn't mean it....I'm not gay Gerry!....not that theres anything wrong with that of course!''.

On Argentinian television commentator Claudio Flores reacted to the hat trick on by simply saying ''Messiiiiiiiiiiii, goooooaaalllllllllll...........seeexxxxyyyyyyyy fffoooottttbbbbaaalllll boooooyyyyyyyy........(in a Spanish accent).

In Australia, pundit Kevin Muscat said (in an Australian accent) ''Ruddy hell mate, I'm not a bloody Golar... stone the crows, but that little wizard is a ruddy good bloke, in fact...I'd say he's sexier than Mrs Mangel from Neighbours........if she was a footballer!?!''.

And in the USA, American commentator PJ Johnson on Fox Sports said (in an American accent) ''Messi took the ball into the endzone and struck a 3 pointer either side of the first and second quarter time outs......that kid could be the biggest Soccer play teamster since Cobi Jones!''.

Cheltenham Festival Roundup

2010-03-18T14:45:00.000-07:00

A roundup of the weeks main action at the world famous racing festival (not cars....horses!?!):

Monday
The highlight of the day was the 'Broadmoor Institutionally Insane Stakes' run over a grass course with big fences on it. The winner was Osamas Bad Mood at 5-1 ridden by Tony McCoy with Oriental Racism coming second at 22-1 two yards ahead of 7-2 favorite Presidential Tyrant.

Tuesday
The 53rd running of the 'Japanese Tuna Slaughter Trophy' was won by the once hapless Brown's One Eyed Victory ridden by a jockey, with Cameron's Big Face coming second with No Chance Cleggy coming a distant third.

Wednesday
Traditionally Wednesday is 'Human day' at Cheltenham with all patrons adorning the dress of an authentic human, and the race they had all come to see was the 'Piers Morgan puts the Smug In Smug Trophy' sponsored by SMUG the new fragrance by Piers Morgan.
The Timmy Murphy ridden Thatchers Armpit took the spoils at 15-1 easily beating North Korean Rocket Launcher into second and Little Dicky Cocker into third.

Thursday
The big draw on Thursday was the 'Corneilius Lysaght...real name or false?' Invitational Stakes, run over two miles. The going was 'alright' and the Irish trained Poetic Rape beat Ruud Van Nistelrooy and Billie Piper into second and third respectively. The winning Irish jockey Seamus O'Limerick said ''this really isn't just a victory for me, its for the horse as well...Poetic rape deserves some as much credit as me!!

Friday
The Cheltenham Golden Cup drew a record crowd of over 200 people and £156 being gambled on the much fancied favorite K-Toe Star, who was taking on it's much hyped but often disappointing stablemate Henham and in doing so hoping to land his 45rd Golden Cup!.
However the television signal failed just before the race started so we don't know who won.....sorry!?!....look it up on the Internet.

More racing news one day

ITV commentators argue about who loves Messi more!!

2010-03-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

ITV Sports team of presenters, pundits and commentators went way overboard on Wednesday night in lavishing huge amounts of praise on Barcelona's pint sized striker Lionel Messi, before arguing over who loves the little play maker more!?!.

The Argentinian forward (short) capped another great performance by scoring two goals against the German team Stuttgart, in addition to goals scored by Pedro and Bojan, but it was the 'over the top' compliments the ITV team put on Messi that really caught the eyes and ears!.

It started before the match when the usually unflappable presenter Steve Rider (above) 'went all coy' when pundit Andy Townsend mentioned Messi's name in the pre match chat. Rider said ''He's not here is he?....how does my hair look?...I'm not gay but I love that little genius!''. Rider went on to say ''Andy, not only is Lionel the best player on display tonight, but do you think he likes me?........I mean my presenting style!!?!!'' he added when Townsend (shiny) raised an eyebrow at what the former BBC man had said.

When Messi scored his first goal in the first half, the general opinion amongst the fans and viewers was that it was a very good goal, but co-commentator Jim Beglin 'went too far' with his reaction, as he could be heard having a slight orgasm on his microphone and afterwards saying ''Wow!..., that young Argie really knows how to use his feet doesn't he.....he's better than awesome....he's feckin awesome!'' later adding ''that's the best goal ever!''.

Messi's second goal had Beglin and his commentating partner Clive Tyldesley arguing about which one loved him more. Beglin again made his feelings clear by saying ''He's the best player ever, that was the best goal ever.......I really do love him Clive!''.
''Yes, but on balance I appreciate his lovely personality as well as his lovely little feet....It doesn't matter how small they are as long as he knows what to do with them!'' said a swooning Tyldesley before adding ''And if he saw us...he'd definitely pick me over you Jim''. He then totally lost his cool and shouted ''I LOVE YOU LIONEL'' which Beglin followed with ''I LOVE YOU MORE LIONEL!!.......he doesn't love you, he doesn't even know what your favorite colour is!?!''.

An ITV spokesman after the match said ''Yes its true, our football team do tend to go overboard with compliments.... especially when talking about Messi...as great and lovely as he is!, but at least we don't miss goals anymore....its baby steps...one thing at a time''. ''Rome wasn't built in a month...it took ruddy years'' he added.

World's oldest football club win Anglo-Italian Trophy!

2010-03-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

The worlds oldest football club Sheffield FC, last night beat the Italian team ASD Pro Appio in the Anglo-Italian International Trophy. The score however could not be agreed on with the referee counting 12 goals to nil, both linesman counting 11 goals to no reply and Jerry the ground announcer claiming ''To be honest I got in late, some kids told me I missed 4 goals but I don't know if they're tricking me or not!?!....I only saw 8!?!''.

The match organisers decided to use 'average' system to work out the correct score for the first time in the sports history, with Sheffield being credited with the victory by 10.33 goals to nil. Man of the match Steve Woolley scored 3.33 goals and spoke with our reporter. ''Appio gave us a good game, a score of 10.33 nil looks on paper like it was one sided but It wasn't like that at all''.

The Italians suffered a number of injuries to take with them back to Rome, goalkeeper Emiliano Musico was taken off at half time with a bruised ego following the conceding of 4 goals in the first 3 minutes!, midfielder Andrea Cifani walked of the pitch on 53 minutes claiming ''We were told we were coming to Sheffield Utd and Bramall Lane.......look at this dump!!......its not worth it....I'm shooting off back to my Mama's!'', and striker Manolo Teodori 'popping' his newly fitted gastric band following a half time meat pie!.

The home team took pity on the visitors going into the final 10 minutes, by dangling the carrot of giving them a goal of they could get over the halfway line....sadly this only brought more nerves into the players heads and they scored the worlds first own goal penalty!.

Info supplied by DC

MATCH STATS

Sheffield----Pro Appio
Goals 10.33 ---- 0
Shots 124 ---- 0
On Target 12.33 ---- 0
Possession 99% ---- 1%
Yellow Cards 0 ---- 0
Red Cards 0 ---- 0
Retirements 0 ---- 15

Best Player and Match Rating

Steve Woolley (Sheffield) 9
Giorgio Turini (Pro Appio) -5

Man City guilty of encouraging fans to smoke!!

2010-03-07T11:59:00.000-08:00

Manchester City have been found guilty by the Premier League of encouraging their fans to smoke cigarettes!.

The third most successful team in the City, have been sending out subliminal messages on their kit. Not only does it resemble a packet of Embassy Number 1 cigarettes, but the clubs sponsor 'Etihad' translates as 'Smoke fags kids, they'll make you popular, get you rich and laid!!'...... in Arabic. This is in addition to club fashion-monger Roberto Mancini never doing a press conference or interview without having a fully lit cigarette.

After the guilty verdict was declared by the Premier League (Who last week signed a new sponsor themselves, the Cancer friendly 'Child Cigarette Company') the club have been told not to promote smoking in any way, a decision which has not gone down well with City's Arab owners. New Arab Garry Cook, spoke to Sports In Shorts. ''It's crazy isn't it!?, next they'll tell us we can't chop players fingers off if we catch them chewing gum in training next!!....bloody jobsworths!''

Man Utd fans aim to send Glazer's home using scarves!!

2010-03-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

Manchester United fans the world over have started a 'hate' campaign aimed at forcing the American Glazer family who own the club, to sell to someone else who will put them heavily in debt!.

The fans after much deliberating, decided that the best way to force the owners out, was to wear Green and Gold coloured scarves!?!. The head of the 'We Hate The Glazer's Now That There Are Rumours We've Got No Money' campaign, Barry White (pictured above) spoke to Sports In Shorts. ''Yeah, we're really socking it to the Glazers with this one, we heard that Joel (Glazer) really doesn't like those two colours (Green and Gold), especially when used together on head garments!!...so you can imagine the effect its having on him!!''.

Another victim of the protesters anger has been Chief Executive David Gill, who has been accused of not joining the 'Green and Gold Glazer's out campaign' because it would cost him his job. Speaking to Sports In Shorts, Gill said ''I'm not joining the 'Green and Gold Glazer's out campaign' because it would cost me my job!....it's a no brainer really!''.

When asked what the fans will do once the weather gets too warm to be wearing scarves, White said ''We've got some Green and Gold headbands ready to get distributed round to everybody!!.....we're not as stupid as we might look......'' he said tapping the side of his head with his index finger.

Ruud Gullit admits ''Jimmy Hill was right, my name is pronouced Rod Gullet!''

2010-03-07T09:27:00.000-08:00

Dutch ex footballer and manager, Ruud Gullit (pronounced Rude Hullit) has admitted for the first time that ex Match Of The Day summariser Jimmy Hill used to pronounce his name correctly despite people thinking he was insane or stupid!.

The heavily chinned Hill, used to pronounce Ruud Gullit as Rod Gullet amidst constant criticism from viewers and colleagues alike. Des Lynam once famously said of Hill ''The guys an idiot, how can he think Ruud is said as Rod?.......dick!'', but Gullit speaking with Dutch TV said yesterday ''For sure.....yesh, it is true. Jimmy useshed to say my name correctly....its not a well known thing, but Ruud is the Dutch equivalent of Rodney, and G's should not sound like H's in the Dutch language......what can I shay...Jimmy was right for sure!''.

Experts are revisiting other things Hill used to say, which many also presumed to be wrong, such as Eric Cantona which he said as Can-Toner, Gary Lineker which he said as Line-Acre and David James who he described as a ''Good goalkeeper!?!''.

Tyler and Gray try out weak puns!!

2010-03-07T08:49:00.000-08:00

Sky Sports commentators Martin Tyler and his hapless wind bag sidekick Andy Gray (above), both made Mikel Arteta based puns whilst commentating on Sundays Everton v Hull City big match spectacular Super Sunday broadcast.

After a series of accurate statistics delivered by the consistent Tyler, workmanlike Gray grew increasingly agitated and had to resort to his stock phrase of ''I dunno Martin, we'll have to let Richard and the boys look at that decision at half time''. But as the impressive Spanish midfielder Mikel Arteta started to take control of the game both men went silent on their microphones, instead choosing to write the perfect pun or clever wordplay.

Tyler was unsurprisingly the first to deliver his effort while Gray was still struggling to get the top off his pen!. Arteta was the player both men were concentrating on as the focal point of their puns, and as he scored his second goal in the last moments of the first half, Tyler went with the unusually poor ''Andy, you could say he's the guy who puts the Art in Arteta!?!?'',....after a few seconds of silence....... Gray panicked, and leap in with the controversial ''Martin he's terrorising the Hull defence like Eta terrorise Spain.....so you could say he puts the Eta in Arteta!!.....and he's Spanish so it works on that level as well!''.

Tyler then congratulated Gray, saying ''Well done Andy, that's one of your best puns ever, and in a pressure situation...... how are you going to follow that up?''. Gray responded with ''Dunno Martin, I'll let Richard and the boys analyse my performance at half time''.

Heskey's peskie replacement!

2010-03-07T08:18:00.000-08:00

Norway's version of Emile Heskey, John Carew (pictured above with James Milner and Stephen Warnock) on Sunday inspired a stunning second half comeback from Aston Villa in the FA Cup tie 4-2 win against Reading.

The occasional striker scored a second half hat-trick much to the delight of manager Martin O'Neill. ''Ah, it was great wasn't it. I picked Emile (Heskey), and played Carew (John) so he could learn about being Emile Heskey from him, but he's surpassed anything Emile's ever done. I never expected him to score, let alone 3 goals!!....I feel sorry for Reading to be honest. I only brought John to be Emile's understudy and never expected him to score goals.......thats more Richard Dunne's job in this team'' O'Neill told our reporter.

Carew has had a long history of not being Emile Heskey, starting with Carew's mother not giving birth to Heskey, he then wasn't called Emile Heskey instead being given the name John Carew. Carew then went on to be Norwegian which meant he once again was not Emile Heskey. He went on to have a playing career for Valencia in Spain, Roma in Italy, and Lyon in France. All these while not being even remotely Emile Heskey!.

Instead while all this was going on Heskey was not being John Carew during spells with Leicester City, Liverpool, Birmingham City, Wigan Athletic and England.

''Zamora, best striker since Brian McBride!'' boasts Hodgson

2010-02-25T12:12:00.000-08:00

Fulham's overly nasal manager Roy Hodgson has boasted to premier league rivals that his 'hotshot' centre forward Bobby Zamora is not only the best forward in the league at the moment, but he is probably the best striker that's ever played the game!.

The player who after years of trying has finally hit the barn door he was aiming for, has scored 67 goals this season so far with a possible 20 more games still to play for the West London club!.

Speaking to Football Focus on Saturday before the goalless FA Cup Quarter Final tie against Tottenham Hotspur, Hodgson said. ''The key to our great season is down to one man.............Andy Johnson.....if he hadn't have got injured we'd have been underachieving once again. But with him out the way I finally had an excuse to pick Bobby, and bugger me he's finally started scoring goals!. The way he's playing right now, he's not only the best in the premier league, he's probably the best striker of all time........or at least the best since Brian McBride''.

Cole tells Grant ''Sorry, but the photos weren't for you''!

2010-02-21T11:02:00.000-08:00

Injured Chelsea exposer Ashley Cole, has told beleaguered Portsmouth manager and curb crawler Avram Grant (pictured above) that the explicit photos he recently sent him on his phone were sent by accident!.

The defender who is currently out for 3 months with a foot and marriage injury, had meant to send the pictures to Canadian pop star Avril Lavigne (the next entry on his phone), but only noticed he'd made the error when he checked his sent messages!.

Speaking to Sports In Shorts Grant said. ''Well, I can't say it was a shock when I got the pictures from Ashley, he always looked at me with his come to bed eyes!, and he seemed to be upset when I left. Then I got these photos (shows Sports In Shorts the pictures), I thought Ashley was ready to join me and Mrs Grant for some sweet sweet love play!!...... Don't get me wrong its nothing I haven't seen before, but I'm always up for some phone relief so I took one of me being punished by Mrs Grant and sent it to him''.

Grant then went on to say what happened next. ''Bout, half an hour later my phone rang and it was Ashley wanting to know why I'd sent him a photo of me in a leather cat suit being whipped by my wife!?, so I told him because you'd just sent me one of 'little Ashley'. He just said ''Oh God, tell me I didn't.....oh shit.......'' and he hung up. He must have checked his sent messages and realised what he'd done because he rang me later to say he'd sent me them by accident and they weren't meant for me.............but I'm not so sure.....I think he likes me''.

Cole (29) has a long history of sending naked photos of himself to others, with at least 4 women coming forward saying he's sent them photos. Cole's spokesman Max Clifford answered these accusations by saying ''Ashley is the real victim here, just think what he's had to go through by seeing Avram Grant naked!''

Premier League to vote on Play Offs for Top 20!!

2010-02-21T08:56:00.000-08:00

Premier league chiefs are considering the possibility of introducing a 'play off' system for the Top 20 teams in the league to add interest at the end of the regular season in May.

The idea was proposed by Bolton Chairman Phil Gartside, who spoke to Sports In Shorts. '' Yeah, It wer my idea, good innit!. What I think we should do once every team has played 38 games is get the top 2 teams to play a 7 match 'head to head' with any draws going to replays in addition to the 7 games. Whoever wins the most will be crowned the Champions and gain entry to the Champions League, the runner up would also qualify for the Champions League as would the 3rd and 4th placed teams after the clubs who finished 3rd to 20th have to play each other home and away again with 3 points for a win, 2 for a draw and minus 5 for a loss. But you would also get a 'bonus' point for every goal you score, and minus bonus points for every goal you concede!. However that finishes will be the final table''.

Our reporter then asked Gartside how he planned to fit in all these extra games!. ''Don't worry, I've thought of that, I'm not just a pretty face!. Instead of 90 minutes, the games will be 15 minutes each way, that way we'll be able to play 3 or 4 games every day including travel time, or another possibility would be to play all these games on Pro Evo Soccer on me new Playstation 3!?!''.

Premier league clubs will be voting for the new idea at the next Premier League meeting which is being held at The Ramada Inn Reading, 2 weeks on Tuesday ago.

Ancelotti forgets about Zhirkov!

2010-02-21T08:33:00.000-08:00

Chelsea's baffled Italian manager Carlo Ancelotti (pictured above filming the new lynx advert) has admitted that he'd forgotten all about Yuri Zhirkov!.

The Russian left sided defender was signed from CSKA Moscow in July 2009 for £14 million but has been used sparingly this season, despite first choice left back and amateur photographer Ashley Cole picking up a long term injury and divorce.

The former Milan manager Ancelotti spoke to Sports In Shorts at Chelsea's training ground, ''To be honest, I forgot all about Yuri, I mean, I saw him hanging around in training but I just presumed he was a friend of Roman's!, he's got that vacant look that Russians have!, do you know what I mean!?!, so I thought he was probably a hitman or summat. It totally slipped my mind we brought him, ha just goes to show what I know! lmao.....that means I am laughin' my arse off!!''.

Ancelotti finished by asking about other players in the squad. ''Do we still own Juan Veron, does anybody know?, and Ian Wrighty-Phillips....did we sell him?....I get confused. And what about him''? the Italian blurted, whilst pointing at Daniel Sturridge, ''Is he my player?'', a club spokesman responded by saying ''Yes Carlo, that's Daniel, we got him from City last summer!''. ''Ah yes yes, of course City,....Birmingham City'' Ancelotti responded knowingly.....''Manchester'' the Spokesman corrected.......''Yes, Yes.....Manchester, that's what I said'' added Ancelotti.

Schoolboys take legal action against people critising their defending!

2010-02-21T08:15:00.000-08:00

Schoolboys the world over have instructed Lawyers to launch legal action against anyone using the term 'Schoolboy defending' in a derogatory sense.

The biggest users are football commentators and pundits, when rather than actually describing what the defenders did wrong and how they could have correctly defended the play, they just fling out the same old boring phrase, saying 'That was schoolboy defending Brian!'.

One of the worst culprits is Sky Sports windbag Andy Gray, who in the 4-3 victory by Manchester City over Sunderland earlier in the season used the phrase 54 times!, with Alan Hansen on MOTD2 once using it over 40 times in one show when talking about Liverpool defender Daniel Agger!.

Schoolboy Jake Elwood from Bristol said ''It's not fair, they talk about bad defending by comparing it to how us schoolboys defend........I'm not sure how Alan Hansen knows how I defend, cos I'm sure he's never watched me!?!, and even if I did defend badly occasionally, It's not fair to insinuate that I always do!!. Why can't they just say it's bad defending?, lazy tit!''.

Elwood went on to say about other gripes he has with commentators ''They also describe good play in football and some other sports as being 'Textbook', now I've never seen sport being taught in a textbook have you?!?''.

But the BBC's resident dullard John Motson (above) responded to these claims. ''Incidentally Gary, the term 'Schoolboy defending' can be traced back to the Second World War, when London schoolboys were send out by their schoolmasters to shield their schools from bombs being dropped by Johnny Foreigner!, with the best defenders being St Cuthbert's Primary from Chiswick who successfully defended their school 15 times in 1944 alone!. It's ironic now that the term is used as a sign of poor defending whereas it's actually performing a heroic act!''.

Tiger's mum says her son should be allowed to put it where he wants!!!

2010-02-19T14:14:00.000-08:00

Serial American sex pest Tiger Woods, appeared on Friday at an organized press conference to offer his stage managed apologies to his wife, kids, mum, extended family, friends, sponsors, fans & pets for the shame and embarrassment caused by the string of extra marital affairs he has engaged in around the world.

But it was his mum Caterina who made the most headlines when she stuck up for her sons behaviour!.

Before Mrs Woods took to the mic, Tiger went on to apologize for the earthquake in Haiti, for the lacklustre punditry by Alan Hansen on MOTD, for Hitler's bad mood with Jewish people, for Wayne Rooney's premature hair loss and England's inability to be any good at One Day International Cricket!.

Whilst Woods was speaking, his mother could be seen shaking her head in a disapproving manner, as he finished he went over to her for comfort but she clipped him round the ear, pushed him out the way and made the following statement.

''God damn bro, why can't my boy put some dick about?. He rich ain't he?, can do what he wants to any hoe that wants some Tiger play....it's just a good job his father Tiger Senior ain't here to hear this, he'd be one angry cat......he used to have his dick everywhere and never said sorry!, and d'yer know why?, because he rich, rich men can do what they want......and his wife....... that Swedish hoe, if she don't like it, she knows where the doors at!!''

Security then removed Mother Woods from the podium but she could be heard shouting ''Get your hands off me mother fecker , I'll sue your ass.... bitch, everybody want some Woods don't they.....you can't stop me!......what are you?, some kind of dick police!?!''.

Woods(Tiger) then apologized for his Mothers comments, blaming hormones for the outburst!.

Warnock accepts defeat surprisingly well!!

2010-02-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

Bad tempered Crystal Palace manager and quite possibly one of the most angry people ever invented, Neil Warnock, accepted a loss at Junior Monopoly surprisingly well on Saturday!. The usually horrible man was enjoying a day off and was playing with his Aunt, Nephew and Daughter when had all his pretend money taken away early on, following a secession of unlucky dice rolls kept landing him on his Nephew's loaded properties!

Warnock then had no money to invest when he landed on 'free' squares, and eventually found himself first out the game. Fearing the worst the rest of the family shielded the board so the 'poor loser' Warnock couldn't wipe all the counters and pieces from the table. But an unusually calm Warnock said ''Ah, never mind, I played badly, I had it coming to be honest!''. His mum Betty who was acting as 'Game Referee', braced herself for a tirade of abuse, similar to the recent attack she sustained following a loss of a game of Cluedo, but the ex Sheff Utd boss just seemed resigned to defeat.

Speaking after the loss Betty Warnock said ''It shocked me actually, our Neil is a really bad loser most of the time, but he accepted defeat very well this time......it seems he might finally have grown up!?!....bout time though eh!?!''

The Eagles manager soon got back to normal service at Selhurst Park on Sunday afternoon though, when he strongly disagreed with the lines mans decision to give a corner and not a goal kick from which Aston Villa scored from, to draw the match 2-2. He said this to ITV reporter Gabriel Clarke ''Jesus, I mean, how did he give that decision?, seems everybody has got it in for me haven't they!......first my Nephew, now the linesman.....who next.......God??.......I can't say what I'm really feeling cos I'll be in trouble but I will say, that the linesman, who may I point out found it funny that I was crying at the final whistle!! probably deserves to be sacked or at least imprisoned for what he did today''.

Clarke then had to flee the agitated Warnock after he responded with ''C'mon Neil, it's only a game mate''

Winter Olympics started 3 weeks ago, but no one noticed!

2010-02-13T13:06:00.000-08:00

The Winter Olympic competition in Vancouver Canadia started 3 weeks ago but no one even noticed!. The games which used to be watched by millions, kicked off at the end of January but organisers 'forgot' to tell anybody!.

Percy Winterbottom from the Olympic Committee spoke to Sports In Shorts, he said ''Usually people seem really interested in the Games so we just assumed that people knew it had started!?, it was when Clare Balding from the BBC asked us when the Men's Downhill started?, we had to tell her that it happened last week and was won by either a Swiss or Austrian.....something like that.....I can't even remember!?!''. He went on to say how interest in the competition seems to have wained over the years ''There was a time when we'd have been sold out!, with all the hotel rooms full and loads of Curling fans chanting and singing their songs in the town centre, but we had more people in Vancouver last year when Peter Andre opened our new Sainsbury's''.

Following the lack of interest in the games the Olympic committee are considering bringing Simon Cowell in to judge the Ice Dancing competition, with the winner to be decided by a phone vote. An excited Cowell said ''Ya, the way to make the games more popular is definitely to bring me in, cut out the boring Skiing stuff, I'll be cruel to a couple of the Ice Dancers and the Jamaican bobsleigh team, then we'll have a phone vote and Louis's yer uncle........we've got ourselves a hit show!!, we'll also get rid of those stupid medals, the winners can just have a signed photo of me!!'' the high trousered Cowell added.

''All Wenger Does Is Whinge!!'', Whinges Ballack

2010-02-09T00:19:00.000-08:00

Chelsea midfield whinge bag Michael Ballack has been caught whinging once again, with Arsene Wenger this time bearing the brunt of his whinge attack.

The German moaning minnie told Chelsea TV this, (in his German accent) ''All Wenger does is whinge!....ooooh, we played better but didn't win, we've got better kits than you I've got a better looking wife.....it just gets tiresome......somebody should tell him that no-one likes a moaner!'' moaned Ballack.

This outburst was in response to Wenger taunting Chelsea after Arsenal's 2-0 defeat to the West London club, saying things like ''We didn't want to win anyway!......in a way'', and that Mrs Wenger was ''way better looking than Mrs Ancelotti!''.

Ballack then went on to moan about some other subjects ''I wish they wouldn't keep changing Facebook!, the new layout is horrible!'' whined the German man, and ''Why can't you find Honey Roasted Peanuts anymore''.

The BBC have recently announced that a new programme has been commissioned called 'Grumpy Old German Footballers', and will be broadcast in early 2011.

Jeremy Kyle sorts out Terry/Bridge fallout!

2010-02-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

ITV's resident idiot Jeremy Kyle (above) yesterday attempted to sort out the relationship problems between John Terry, Wayne Bridge and Vanessa Perroncel.

The show started with Terry's ex workmate Bridge telling Kyle he'd heard rumours that Terry had ''gone with his missus behind his back while he was busy shagging Joe Cole's missus'', and that while they were having an affair Perroncel got pregnant with Terry's baby which he offered to pay to have aborted!.

Kyle then introduced Perroncel to lots of booing from the easily led audience. When asked who called the show Bridge said ''It wer me Jeremy, I just want to get this sorted out, all I'm hearing is lies and accusations so I just want her (Perroncel) to have a lie detector test to see if they did sleep together or not!''. When he asked the french underwear model Perroncel if she had slept with the Chelsea captain she said ''No I haven't, it's all lies....he's just jealous...he needs to get fit, get a job and start stepping up to the plate and providing for his kids!''.

Terry came out next, to a chorus of jeering from the people who should know better and immediately started shouting at Bridge and Perroncel ''Why would you start these lies Wayne, I'd never sleep with your missus....you need to stop these accusations and get your head down and get back in the Man City squad. All the pot you smoke is making you paranoid man!''.

Then Kyle said ''Right, lets get the all important lie detector results ''First of all we asked Veronica 'Have you kissed anyone other than Wayne since you got together?' you said 'No'..........and you were lying were'nt you! cos the test shows you have!!, next we asked you 'Have you had any sexual contact with anybody other than Wayne since you got together?', again you answered 'no'......and surprise surprise....you were lying again weren't you!, finally we asked you 'have you been having an affair with your boyfriends friend and teammate'....you again said 'no'..........and you've got the full house cos you were lying again!!.
Now listen to me lady......you need to get a grip and stop jumping into bed with anybody wearing a blue kit!!'' Perroncel responded ''No, I haven't...Wayne baby I haven't, the tests must be wrong!''

Bridge then surprised everyone by getting down on one knee and proposing to the cheater Perroncel to yet more jeers from the cynical audience.

When asked why he was doing this to a woman who had obvioulsy cheated on him he said ''I can't help it Jeremy, I love her.....you can't help who you love can you!?!....she's the one for me!''.

Since the show Bridge has run off with Perroncel's half sister and Terry knocked up one of the producers of the show before jetting off to Dubai for a reconcilliation with wife Toni.

West Ham raise money through 'Cash For Gold'

2010-02-05T03:12:00.000-08:00

Perennial Premier League underachievers West Ham Utd have revealed the reason for the sudden influx of cash into the club which has enabled manager Gianfranco Zola (above) to invest in the January transfer window.

Zola (Italian) was at home nursing a heavy cold and was watching day time television, he said this in his funny Italian accent ''I was watching the day time television, I'd watched Jezza Kyle, and had turned over to five to watch Trisha when I saw a very interesting advertisement in the break. It was saying that the price of gold is at an all time high and if I bagged up all the spare gold I had round the place, they would price it up and send me a cheque so I could go on holiday, have a new car......or help buy Benni McCarthy!. So anyway, I went straight to David Golds (Owner Of West Ham) house, put him in a big envelope and posted him off to 'Cash For Gold'. Within the week they sent me a letter telling me they'd melted him down and the weight of the total gold was worth enough to buy Mido as well as McCarthy with a little bit left over to persuade Matthew Upson to stay in the summer''.

On hearing the story it also gave Northern man Mick McCarthy an idea, speaking to SkySportsNews, the once Irish man said ''I heard about what Franco did and I thought that wer clever so I thought I'd also raise some funds by sending Cash For Gold a load of our football tops at Wolves!, unfortunately they wrote back to me telling me they weren't real gold'' the dimwitted star of Sesame Street muttered.

Sheffield Wednesday's Alan Irvine also had made £480.26 when he sent off some Gold that Ron Atkinson had forgotton to take with him during the tanned mans time at Hillsbrough.

ADVERT: If you've got any spare gold hanging around the place visit www.nothingbettertodowithyourday.com and we'll tell you how we're gonna scam your Gold out of you!

Formula One to introduce Dancing points!

2010-02-04T15:48:00.000-08:00

Unpopular turgid coma inducing so called sport Formula One, will be introducing bonus points for dancing from the start of the 2010 season.

'Supremo' Bernie Eccleston (above) announced the news wearing a glittery outfit in front of surprised journalists who were expecting news of newcomers 'Team Foxtrot'. The tiny but huge ego ed man said ''as dancing seems to be popular these days and motor racing certainly isn't for anybody who actually wants anything to happen when watching sport, I decided that after the race, the top 3 drivers will still go on the podium, but instead of wasting good champagne they will have to do a dance of judge David Coultard's choosing who will then judge on poise, rhythm and not falling off the podium!. After this there will be a phone vote for the public to stick there ore in and bugger things up and then on the following Saturday the winner of the previous Sundays race will be announced''.

Motor racing expert Murray Walker said ''These new rules are just what the Sport needs'', but not all fans are happy with the news. Ex bad driver Martin Brundle said ''Its feckin brilliant isn't it, I'm a great mover, I'd av been great at that.......might av got some points''.

The BBC have also announced a new presenter for the coming season with Tess Daly taking over from lanky man Jake Humphery.

Manchester City victim of Hustle

2010-02-04T15:06:00.000-08:00

Filthy rich no hopers Manchester City have been 'stung' by the production team behind the BBC One show Hustle. The show (Monday nights 9pm, pictured above) which follows the antics of five con artists who steal from people who have made/stole money through unfair means, targeted the moral less club after Club Idiot Garry Cook boasted that they would soon be the biggest club in the world cos ''we've got loadsa money innit''.

The 'con' depended on Middlesbro winger Adam Johnson moving to Eastlands for as much cash as they could drag out of them. It started when Albert Stroller played by Elderly actor Robert Vaughan 'set up' the con by talking loudly on a phone in a restaurant about ''potentially the best player in the world ever....called Adam Johnson'' while Garry Cook and the Arab fella were on the adjacent table.

The 'convincer' played by ex Holby City actress Kelly Adams then set about confirming Johnson's status as one of the best players in the world when she joined Stroller at the dinner table and dropped the 'bombshell' that he is a direct descendant of Stewart Downing!.

On hearing this discussed the underhand City duo could be seen whispering to each other and rubbing their hands together as all the best TV criminals do when a opportunity comes their way.

The evil Mancs then 'googled' Johnson and found that his agent was the aptly named Maurice Dealer. Unbeknownst to them though they had visited a website mocked up by the TV Show and the agent was non other than Michael Stone the groups leader, who confirmed that Johnson was being sort after by the cream of Europe's best clubs....... Real Madrid, AC Milan and Steve McClaren's FC Twente. He then mentioned that a Spanish manager (played by Robert Glenister as the fixer) was 'very interested' in doing a deal for Johnson as soon as possible and would probably be paying £24 million for the player. He snared the duo though when he said for a 'cash' deal of £7 million up front and in full he would make sure Johnson signed for City before the end of the transfer window.

Falling for the con they drew the cash out of the nearest ATM and paid the £7 million to Stone who said he would arrange Johnson (played by ex Eastender Matt Di Angelo) to turn up for training the very next day. When this didn't happen, after much soul searching Cook contacted the police, who confirmed that the real Adam Johnson is in no way worth £7 million, as ''anyone could look as good as him in the Championship''.

''I don't believe in magic'' says Beckham

2010-02-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

AC Milan's American based loan signing David Beckham (pictured above after a mishap with some curtains), has spoken of his 'non belief' in magic. The one footed blond man speaking at Milan's 'Magic Week Festival' said:

''I know it's controversial but I don't think magic is actually real is it?!?. I mean I used to believe in it when I used to watch Paul Daniels on the telly as a boy, but it's all gone abit far fetched these days hasn't it!, like that David Copperfield. How could he have made the Statue of Liberty disappear?,non of that was in the book???...... plus he hasn't made it go anywhere, when I went to New York it was still there!......which got me thinking.........then when I thought about it some more I realised that Penn and Teller did a trick with a gun and firing a bullet at the quiet one (Teller), which he caught in his teeth!!........which I'm fairly sure is dangerous!?!. I mean I can't explain how they did it but I'm not sure 'magic' is the answer any more. Then you've got that Derren Brown......now don't get me wrong, he's a good showman but I'm sure that if magic was real he'd have used that to pick them lottery numbers wouldn't he?, and not spend hours working out the answer to the problem''

Beckham then went on to say other things he was sceptical about,... ''Cruz lost one of his teeth the other day, so we put it underneath the pillow for him to get some money from the tooth fairy........we checked the next day and the tooth was still there and there was no money!, anyway we rang Victoria (posh) in America to ask if it's ever happened before that the Tooth Fairy has forgotten to come, and she told me to sit down cos she had some news that might upset me.....I got scared so I hung up but I'm worried that she was going to tell me the fairy doesn't exist!?!..........I know it sounds weird but I'm really doubting the existence of tooth fairies. Then if you think about it, if tooth fairies don't exist who's to say that pixies, goblins, trolls, monsters, Santa, Easter bunnies and Mexicans are real......my worlds been smashed wide open and theres no one real in it anymore!''.

Beckham ended the interview by saying the draw against Livorno was unfortunate, that the manager has the support of the players, it's a game of two halves, he was as sick as a parrot at having a poor game on Sunday and that he was going to have his tattoo of David Blaine removed from his arm ''If magics not real its like he's betrayed me''.

''I'm so glad to be signing for my boyhood heroes'' says Keane again

2010-02-02T11:13:00.000-08:00

Transfer addict Robbie Keane (pictured above showing the shirt he made at nursery yesterday) has spoken of his love for his latest employers Glasgow Celtic. At a press conference to introduce him to the unfortunate followers of the Scottish football team he said ''It's been a lifelong dream to play in the green hoops of Celtic, and I want to once again make them the biggest club in Edinburgh'' gaffed Keane.

Keane also spoke of his childhood love of Tottenham Hotspur when he signed for them on both occasions, as he did when he signed for Liverpool, Leeds, Coventry, Wolves and Italian based club Inter Milan of Milan. When asked how many clubs he supported as a child Keane said ''Only the one, I'm a one club man....it's always been Celtic.....and Spurs.......and Liverpool.........Coventry as well I suppose......Wolves I like also.......and Inter Milan.....and Leeds''.

He finished by telling journalists who he would be signing for in June ''It's always been a lifelong dream to play in Glasgow so one day I'd love to play for Rangers, so fingers crossed I won't be able to get in the starting line up for Celtic so I can join my Childhood heroes in the summer'' quipped the Irishman.

Keane finished the Press Conference by saying he still hoped to play in this summers World Cup tournament despite the Republic Of Ireland not having qualified for the event!?. ''It's been a lifelong dream to play in the World Cup and I've always been a fan of England, so I'm just hoping Fabio has got the money to spend and can bring me in to the squad this June'' said the be-wilded Keane.

Rio apologises for exposing Terry affair

2010-02-02T10:40:00.000-08:00

Manchester United's sometime defender Rio Ferdinand (pictured above telling reporters his mental age) has offered his apologies to sour faced penalty missing love rat John Terry, for exposing the Chelsea defenders affair with Vanessa Perroncel, the ex girlfriend of his ex teammate Wayne Bridge.

Ferdinand was filming another hilarious episode of his 'Practical Joke/Prank show' titled 'Rio's About' and was following his England team mate with a film crew in readiness for performing a fake traffic warden skit for the show. ''We was there with the camera outside the hotel that Tezza had gone into, I faught it was wierd he stopped at that hotel cos it was the hotel what we use for taking our prozzies to what we don't want our wife's to know about, then we saw Tezza come out with Bridgy's bird which I faught was wierd cos I faught he'd stopped shagging her years ago!?'' Ferdinand explained, ''I was gonna get rid of the footage cos I didn't want to get JT in any trouble with his missus, but I accidentally put the video in a envelope and posted it to The News Of The World!....I was sick as a parrot about that, it was careless defending of the tape!''.

''I just want to say sorry for ruining JT's marriage by filming him, sorry to Bridgy for exposing his missus as a slapper but most of all and most impotent..... for ruining our chances of winning the world cup this year'' Ferdinand said in his dumbest voice.

In other news regarding the biggest football story of the week, Max Clifford the agent who specialises in other peoples misery and quite possibly nearly as evil as Hitler, has said his client Vanessa Perroncel deserves some praise because she might have cheated on her boyfriend with his friend and teammate but she hasn't as yet sold her story!. ''Everybody is making her out to be a bad person but she hasn't benefited from this..........yet'' said the silver haired friend of Piers Morgan. ''You could say she's the real victim in this situation'' Clifford added.

Monday's Big Match Roundup!

2010-01-24T23:58:00.000-08:00

This weekend saw 3 of the worlds most intense football rivalries lock horns, and as ever Sports In Shorts can bring you the best analysis of the rivalries what were mentioned earlier in the sentence!:

River Plate v's Boca Juniors

The Argentinian mega powers went head to head in the Buenos Aires grudge match which averages 5 casualties a year!. As the match was being played after this report went to Internet print we don't know the result but here is a brief summary of what probably happened.

22 yellow cards were handed out with only 5 sendings off this time!?!, a manic Diego Maradona was spotted in the crowd selling Cocaine, irate fans attacked referee, erratic players attacked referee, irate fans and erratic players chased fleeing referee into crowd, game called off after 52 minutes!.

Inter Milan v's AC Milan

The Milanese Derby took place at the Giuseppe Meazza Stadium last night if you're an Inter fan or the San Siro Stadium if you follow AC Milan.

The game finished 2-0 to the Inter veterans who had an average team age of 43. A youthful looking AC team looked inexperienced having dropped the 'wise old heads' of Maldini, Baresi & Costacurta and had to 'make do' with the 'young hopefuls' of Pirlo (32), Favalli (34), Beckham (34), Dida (32), Gattuso (hard to tell cos he's so beardy), Ambrosini (31) and Seedorf (35).

Stevenage v's Kettering Utd

Perhaps the biggest football rivalry of all took place in England with the 'Not quite Midlands, Not quite London' Derby between the 2 Blue Square Premier heavyweights (crowd scene from the Stevenage Jeff Goldblum Arena pictured above). The Steven's outclassed The Kettle's and won 2-0, with the goals coming from Wayne Long and Wayne Long. The win puts Stevenage top of the league and as one fan put it ''Top of the Blue Square Premier!, it don't get much more Rock n Roll than that does it!?!''.

Tevez v Neville battle of hand gestures rumbles on

2010-01-20T23:55:00.001-08:00

The Carlos Tevez V Gary Neville war of words and hand gestures continued yesterday as both of the childish players refused to grow up in any way.

It all started when Wayne Rooney muttered the witticism ''Miss, you Greasy Argie'' just before Tevez smashed in the controversial penalty to draw Man City level at 1-1 against fierce rivals Man Utd in Tuesday's Milk Cup Semi-final first leg at Eastlands.

Tevez responded to this by doing an impression of the character Shrek from the film Shrek starring Shrek, directed at Rooney.

Eager to get in on any aggravation going, Gary Neville soon piped up and started shouting comments from the touchline....albeit despite him not even being named on the subs bench for the game!.

Neville's wife Nelly explained ''Gary was watching the game at home with me and as soon as he noticed it was about to kick off with a good argument I couldn't contain him!, he just had to get involved....bless him!.....that's why I love him I guess!?''.

When he arrived, Neville started hurling insults directed at Tevez, criticising the surgeon who performed the botched operation on his neck wound, to which Tevez retaliated with disparaging remarks about Neville's poorly grown moustache!, one fan heard him say this in his Spanish accent, ''Look guys, theres an Ian Beale lookalike on the touchline and is name isa Gary Neville!''.

A visibly angry Neville took this remark to heart and couldn't think of a witty re post so simply stuck 2 fingers up at the gloating Argentinian ugly man, not realising that in Spanish this signal means ''Last night your mother told me you were adopted!!''. A shocked Tevez could be seen borrowing a mobile phone from a supporter in the crowd to phone his mum to see if this was true!.

Once she convinced him he was not adopted, he got back to the game and almost immediately scored with a headed goal to take City to a 2-1 victory, which once again caused him to celebrate but this time Neville bore the brunt of his mocking comedy, as he produced a comb from his back pocket and started to pretend to comb his top lip where a moustache might be!, whilst shouting ''Hey Gary why don't you grow a real moustache like your mum's got!''.

An upset Neville was then consoled by his Dad who had also been watching the game at home and had felt the need to get involved. Mr Neville (Neville) said ''If you pick on my boy Gary Neville, you pick on me,....Neville Neville''.

''I've never been hungrier'' admits Hatton!

2010-01-19T23:47:00.000-08:00

Popular tubby one time decent boxer Ricky Hatton (pictured above before he got fat) has been forced to clarify comments he made in a statement last week.

He was speaking at a press conference held for him to announce his plans for his next humiliating defeat (a story broken by Sports In Shorts in November 2009), this summer to Mexican pensioner Juan Marquez.

The part of the statement which caused confusion was when he mentioned that ''I've never been hungrier!'', many reporters believed him to mean that he was hungry for success after the embarrassing loss to smiley faced Filipino drug user Manny Pacquiao, however Hatton speaking to Sports In Shorts has spoken of the real meaning of his comments.

''When I said I've never been hungrier, I didn't mean for success, I just meant I've never been hungrier!!.....I've not eaten for about 10 minutes or so!......I've got a real craving for sugary treats at the moment..........but I reckon I'm gonna move onto savory pastries soon for a bit of variety.......then I'll step up my calorie intake and move onto deep frying everything and within a few months I should be my ideal lounging weight!''

Hatton or 'Roly Poly Ricky' as his fans call him also mentioned the inspiration behind his odd dress sense. ''I tend to wear a black suit jacket with blue jeans at half mast, its a look I stole off that curly haired fella off Top Gear, and sometimes I like to wear a silly looking sun hat with my favorite tracksuit so I've got the look of a typical Manc chav....which I guess is what i am at heart!''.

Hattons new weight gain video 'Get fat with the chav in the hat' is out next Monday on video priced £8.99, or free if you buy 50 of Ricky's new 'Calorie Intense Deep Fried Pizzas'.

Pienaar admits love of Coq!

2010-01-17T04:49:00.000-08:00

South African Floella Benjamin impersonator Steven Pienaar has spoken of his love of his clubs kit maker Le Coq (pronounced cock) Sportif.

The Everton midfield lightweight kissed the kit makers emblem after scoring a poorly hit free kick in Saturdays tussle with Manchester's 3rd best team Manchester City. At first tv viewers and fans just presumed he kissed the wrong side of his kit and thought he had really meant to kiss the Everton badge, but speaking to ESPN's blond woman after the victory, Pienaar spoke of the real reason for this show of affection.

He said ''I've always loved Le Coq, growing up as a young girl in South Africa we used to see the old First Division on TV and whereas most of my friends became fans of Liverpool or Manchester United, I just fell in love with Evertons kit, the way it makes it look as if you're wearing a white t-shirt underneath a blue top is breathtaking. It's not just the Everton kit I love, Le Coq also make the Italian Serie C kit for AFC Bergamo which is equally spellbinding. So when I score a goal I like to celebrate by kissing Le Coq..........it's just a way for me to show my appreciation to Le Coq for being great''.

Pienaar finished by adding ''I'd just like to say, if any viewers are watching who also like Le Coq, maybe we should hook up and celebrate being fans of Le Coq together???.......maybe have a Coq party??''

Where are they now?

2010-01-16T06:53:00.000-08:00

Number 1: Ryan Giggs

After an amazing debut by the 17 year old Giggs against QPR in 1989 he could never live up to the hype of being labelled 'The Welsh Wizard'! mainly due to him having never actually had any formal wizard training.

In the game, he scored twice and set up a 3rd for Brian McClair and the drooling press went overboard with comparisons to the Irish superstar.......... Norman Whiteside and the Sun's famous headline called him 'A white Bobby Charlton!'.

The pressure was too much to handle at a time when footballers were becoming front page celebrities as well as back page fodder. At a party once at the house he shared with Celebrity Love Island's Lee Sharpe, his manager Alex Ferguson waited outside because he hadn't been invited. He eventually plucked up the courage to gatecrash, he entered and found the easily led Giggs smoking a cigarette, so to punish him he made him eat the entire packet in an attempt to put him off for life!.

No matter how hard he didn't train, he could never recreate the magic of his first match and by 1991 had been loaned out to Hamilton Academicals in the pointless Scottish League. Even this level proved to be too high for the now alcoholic Giggs and Manchester United, desperate to 'get rid' of their problem star said they would 'Pay anyone who wants to take him off our hands!'.

Total Network Solutions in his homeland took up the unique offer famously netting £1 million in the process.

He managed 5 games for the Welsh minnows in the inaugural Welsh League, but retired in 1995 aged 22 when he finally admitted he would never make it big in the game. From 1995 to date he has had a variety of jobs including, erotic night club dancer, part time drug dealer and umbrella salesman but these days he can be found on the streets of Manchester as the city's most popular beggar!.

January sales watch!!

2010-01-14T15:10:00.000-08:00

The January transfer window has been open for 14 days and a number of big money deals have nearly been completed:

David James the multi hair-styled pensioner (pictured above after spotting a hairstyle he hasn't had) has joined Stoke City on loan from cash strapped Portsmouth who accepted a Mars bar and a can of Lilt as payment for the overrated goalkeeper.

Jermaine Beckford is certain to leave Leeds Utd with the striker wanting a move to the Premier League but as he rates himself much higher than anybody else does, a move to Scotland is more likely, with Rangers and Celtic battling it out once more to sign the £75'000 valued player.

Sol Campbell has rejoined Arsenal with Arsene Wenger admitting he didn't see the build up to the move from where he was and would have to watch the TV coverage of it before he could comment.....but strongly denied it was likely to happen!.

Manchester United manager Sir Angry Ferguson has said he is unlikely to spend any money on his first team squad this January because the 'For Sale' signs have gone up outside Old Trafford in a bid to raise the money he says he can spend but obviously haven't got.

Liverpool have been the 'Big Spenders' so far with Argentinian passenger Maxi Rodriguez joining on a free transfer from Athletico Madrid to rival Albert Riera for a place on the reserves subs bench.

The big transfer news in Scotland is that most decent players will leave the Scottish league at some point in their career if they are any good.

News from La Liga in Spanish Spain is that Real Madrid have once again spent all their money on the best players in the world but failed to secure a manager thats any good, as Paul Hart seems likely to take over from one time bottled water inventor Manuel Pellegrini. Hart yesterday left QPR after only 5 games in charge when erratic boss Flavio Briatore confusingly claimed he (Hart) ''just wasn't getting to the training ground quickly enough for his liking!, he's no Michael Schumacher!''

More transfer news one day maybe?

Ashley Cole tells press to stop saying he's straight!

2010-01-12T15:03:00.000-08:00

Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole (pictured above left in the infamous aftermath of his affair with David Beckham) has hit out at journalists who are constantly insinuating that he is a straight heterosexual man (non gay).

The camp left back speaking to Sports In Shorts said 'I just wish all these rumours would stop!, I'm definitely gay, I've always been openly gay.....I even made a gay sex romp video in Ibiza with Sol Campbell and Freddie Ljungberg but the press still insist on saying I'm married to Cheryl Tweedy!?. We're not married!!! urgghh!, I love Cheryl as a friend but the thought of seeing her naked repulses me!.....we're just gals who like to hang out and have sleepovers.....that kind of thing. She just happened to change her name back to her Dad's name of Cole'.

Cole finished the interview by reassuring his fans 'I just want to say don't believe what you read in the papers!, I'm definitely gay.....gay as ever....don't worry about that..........I'm so gay!' he added.

Scarf sales go through the roof in Manchester!

2010-01-11T12:25:00.000-08:00

Sales of the blue and white scarf recently worn by new Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini (above with scarf in hands) have reportedly gone through the roof in the last 2 weeks since the Italian took over.

He first appeared in the garment when being introduced to the fans, with one fan in particular commenting 'I know nowt about the lad but anyone who can carry a scarf off like that must be worth a go!. If you'd av told me I'd ever be thinking about buying a scarf and sticking it around me neck, I'd av thought thee were fookin mad! but I reckon I might get me one of those!'.

Mancini once again sported the neck appendage whilst stood on the sidelines watching his team beat Blackburn 4-1 last night and was copied by his opposite number Sam Alladyce who went with a grey scarf/jacket combination. A move which did not go down well with fashion conscious Mancs. Lindsey Buckingham from Burnage said 'Big Sam shouldn't av worn a scarf, he just hasn't got the raw fashion ability of Roberto'.

Scarfs were invented in 1867 by Venetian inventor Luigi Scarfi, who wanted to find a cure for his chilly neck after a late night winter walk home from his friend Massimo Cravati's house, and have become a staple diet of the Italian mans wardrobe ever since, despite the opinion in Britain that they 'look a little bit gay!'.

The scarfs are available from the City club shop for a very unreasonable £65 plus wool tax but it's not just the neck garment that's got fans swooning, lifelong blues fan Gary King said 'Its not just his scarf we love here at city, its his lovely hair.....he must use shampoo or summat on it?!? its superb. If i weren't bald i probably have the same style myself........it'd go great with my man bag!'.

The club in line with the demand to want to look like Mancini will bring out the 'Dress like Roberto kit' featuring scarf, raincoat, wig, Italian phrasebook and man bag available for £120 plus ridicule tax.

The clubs heartless backstabber Garry Cook commented 'No ones getting carried away with the clamber to want to look like Roberto, if you remember we had the same thing when Sven took over but we wasted millions on developing the Sven spectacle, grey suit and blow up Ulrika Jonsson doll kit'.

Other clubs also sell manager merchandise with Manchester United selling the used chewing gum spat out by Alex Ferguson when querying the time added on at the end of the games, and Arsenal sell the popular 'I didn't see the incident specs'.

Berbatov's tired of football!

2010-01-10T06:50:00.000-08:00

Manchester United's languid Bulgarian forward Dimitar Berbatov (pictured above waking up after a nap at Spurs) has declared that he is a sufferer of the affliction Narcolepsy the disease which can make people fall into bouts of sleep at any time of the day.

Angry Scottish manager Alex Ferguson speaking through his BBC interpreter Mike Phelan said 'We've never actually seen the lad (Berbatov) awake, but Harry (Redknapp) at Tottenham (Hotspur) has assured that when he wakes up he'll be worth the £30 million we spent on him. They gave us a guarantee as well that if we don't see him awake within 3 years they'll give us our money back!!, but the thing is........ having a player on the pitch asleep is better than having a fully awake Michael Owen!'.

At one point during the FA Cup 3rd round tie with Leeds Utd at Old Trafford he looked like he was going to wake up as he started rubbing his eyes and yawning but he just looked at the time on the scoreboard and realised he'd still got some time before the game ended, so he just put his thumb back in his mouth and went back to the land of nod.

Another famous sufferer of Narcolepsy in football is the ex Southampton drifter Matthew Le Tissier who currently acts a summariser on Sky Sports Soccer Saturday. Programme supremo Jeff Stelling said 'Matt does a great job on the show even though he's out of it most of the time!, he's developed a skill that enables him to commentate on matches whilst being asleep. He sometimes blurts out non football quotes...... usually about food but he's soon back onto detailed analysis of the game'.

Sir Geoffrey Boycotts his senses!

2010-01-07T14:04:00.000-08:00

Sir Geoffrey Boycott (above) the ex Yorkshire and England batsman and current critical Yorkshire man has told failing or over the hill sports stars such as Michael Owen or Kevin Pietersen to adopt the ridiculous ancient art form of Feng Shui in order to change their fortunes.

Boycott who holds the healing powers of Feng Shui responsible for curing his boring blocking style of batting, told Madness Magazine 'Before I turned to Feng Shui it used to take me 900 balls on average to get off the mark which was becoming a problem for my batting stats....especially in one-day cricket!, but after I pointed my settee in the right direction my run scoring increased two fold!'.

The Chinese invented Feng Shui when they were bored one weekend to make them sound wise and interesting and in touch with the universe and also to take every body's minds off the whole human rights violation thing!.
Some of its made up virtues are that if you wear red you will always be successful (a case proven by the current West Indies cricket team), you should always face the sun whenever possible (providing you've got a good pair of sunglasses) and you should eat hot food instead of the more popular cold food options.

The once sane ex cricketer now criticises England's current players for a living on Radio 4's Test Match Special, and made the claim on air to a bewildered Jonathan Agnew who tried to deflect Sir Geoff from his ramblings with a lovely slice of cake sent in by Maureen Coombs from Shrewsbury. A move which backfired when Geoffrey pointed out he couldn't possibly eat it without having lucky hot custard poured over it in line with Feng Shui traditions!.

Fulham ask FA for last nights loss to be postponed!

2010-01-06T01:05:00.001-08:00

Fulham chairman Mohammed Al Fayed (above brandishing a threatening fax) this morning phoned the FA asking for last nights 3-2 loss at Stoke City to be postponed.

The erratic non British passport owning rich man asked for the strange request because he felt aggrieved at not being able to 'have a snow day' like the rest of the country.

Al Fayed moaned this to a Sports In Shorts correspondent this morning 'Its reet not fair, rest of t'country gets to go out and play in t'snow and we had to go to that god forsaken place! (Stoke), I mean for fecks sake even Manchester City have called off tonight's game, I demand that last nights loss gets deleted from the record books and we can play it again when the weather is nice..... say in June?'.

Stoke was bizarrely the only place in Great Kingdom that didn't get any snow so the Premier League mid table Europa league/relegation dogfight between Stoke City and Fulham was able to go ahead, with Stoke taking a 3 nil lead going into the half time break and Fulham fighting back with 2 goals in the 2nd half including a 'wonder goal' by Clint 'Dirty Harry' Dempsey.

Snow expert Channel Fours Jon 'Snowy' Snow has warned that more towns and cities might get left out in the future when everybody else is having fun on sledges and stuff. He said 'the problem is boring places like Stoke just get left out cos the snow just forgets to go there!, its like tonight,... most events will be postponed but in places like Slough theres no snow at all!.......its just a shame that they are really rubbish at football so haven't got a team!'.

Tour De France On Tour

2010-01-04T11:15:00.000-08:00

The 2010 Tour De France will not have any stages in France for only the 2nd time in its 678 year history, it was announced yesterday by race drug givers Astra Zeneca.

The bike race which started before pushbikes were even invented has been dogged with controversy for years with allegations of cheating and illegal drug use (2009 winner Pierre Curzon pictured above before race organizers uncovered his bike was actually a car in disguise!).

This year the tour will commence in New York on June 3rd where riders will do a few laps round central park, then every rider will be asked to remember which position they were in for when they start the penultimate stage in Moscow where they will do a road race round the insecure city before finishing outside the Kremlin. Then every rider will be ferried to the foot of Mount Kilimanjaro for a proper mountain climb up the man made hill where the race will end if anybody survives it.

American bike rider Lance Armstrong who has raced in more tours than anybody without having ever won it, said ' I hope the change in scenery gives me a bit of extra luck so i can maybe clock up my first win!', but race traditionalists are less happy, a french bike riding fan who cannot be named for pronunciation reasons said 'How can you have the Tour De France that isn't in France?? its crazy, its like having Deal or No Deal without Noel Edmunds!......or a Frenchman with no garlic round his neck!!'.

In addition to the change of venue it has also been declared than in an attempt to combat the unfairness of many riders gaining an advantage through the use of performance enhancing drugs, riders will be able to take 'pretty much anything they want', in fact rumours suggest that instead of drinks being available by the roadside there will be complimentary steroids.

China condems Motherwell for sacking Gannon

2010-01-01T11:45:00.000-08:00

There were scenes of outrage yesterday in China after the delayed news of Jim Gannon's sacking from Scottish no hopers Motherwell who play in the the pointless Scottish Premier League was finally announced to the Jim Gannon loving Chinese public.

Gannon (pictured above) once holidayed in the unliberal country where he declared the Kung Po Chicken he sampled for the first time as 'Top notch!'. Ever since, the easily lead Chinese public have been staunch supporters of the former curly haired midfield lightweight.

In an interview with the popular Chinese magazine 'Human Rights, Human Scmights!', Jim Gannon enthusiast and Chairman of the Jim Gannon Supporters Club, Xing Li said 'We are gonna be doing everything possible to make sure Mr Jim either gets his job back at Motherwell or gets an even better job.......say at Falkirk or summat!?!'.
He then went onto say how China's love for Motherwell has almost been wiped out. 'Don't get me wrong, Motherwell are...sorry.... were..... popular here in China but if theres something or someone that's more popular than Motherwell its Jim Gannon..........we see him as a sort of a Superhero!?!. We strongly suspect that Mr Jim's human rights have been violated by this sacking, but he can rest assured the Chinese public will defend him until the board of directors at Motherwell are slaughtered!!..........or at least told off very harshly!'.

The trigger happy right wing country's government have also asked that the Motherwell board or directors responsible for sacking Gannon are extradited to China, so they can give them a half baked unfair trial for unfair dismissal, which in China has the maximum punishment of Death by lethal takeaway meal.

Gannon speaking with Sports In Shorts said 'It really makes your heart glow when you find out that a nation of bully's like China are fighting your corner!'.

Andy Gray doesn't watch the same game as us!!

2009-12-22T13:45:00.000-08:00

Sky Sports producers have revealed what regular viewers have long suspected.....that Scottish blame merchant co-commentator Andy Gray doesn't watch the same game that the viewers are watching!.

Producer Jim Kelsey said ' To be honest, it's not an ideal situation, but we've found this is the best way of making Andy's comments fit with the game that the viewers are watching!. What we do is strap Andy into the commentary gantry at the ground next to the main commentator (we've found he responds best when he works with Martin Tyler!), then show him an entirely different game on a little portable TV......sometimes we don't even show him football.....earlier in the season when the viewers were watching Liverpool versus Manchester United, Andy was watching 'Come Dine With Me', but the comments he provided fitted perfectly!.
Kelsey went on to say why they had to resort to these extreme measures 'When Andy gave comments on the actual game we were showing, nothing seemed to fit?!? It's almost as though he doesn't know the rules of the game!?!' he added.

Sky Sports got the idea from the BBC, as its been the method of making John Motson's commentary fit to the game they are showing for the past 30 years!.

Mancini's Blue Moon gets burst!

2009-12-20T12:58:00.000-08:00

Manchester City sensationally sacked manager Roberto Mancini (pictured above waving hello and goodbye) on Sunday night with the Arab puppet master owners citing 'poor results' as the reason for the Italian's departure.

Mancini had only been in the job for 24 hours after replacing the Welsh pessimist Mark Hughes on Saturday night, but the Manchester City board said that they thought that with the amount of money they were paying Mancini he should have ensured that West Ham beat Chelsea, giving City the chance to close the gap on their fellow title challengers. Unfortunately the game ended all square at 1-1 with this result spelling the end of Mancini's reign.

The boards handyman Garry Cook said 'The owners cannot accept Sundays results with the level of investment they have made. They are aware that Roberto did not actually have a game in charge to prove himself, but he should have used his initiative a bit and maybe paid off the referee or something.......he's Italian isn't he!?!. We would like to thank Roberto for his hard work in the last 24 hours, its a shame but he just didn't cut the mayonnaise!'.

The new manager is none other than Mark Hughes who only left the club after Saturdays 4-3 win over Sunderland. Rumours are surfacing that the deal to replace Mancini with Hughes was actually agreed and signed up 3 weeks ago, before Mancini had replaced Hughes in the first place!. Speaking to Sports In Shorts the current ex manager Hughes said 'I agreed to come back before I even knew I was going, so i really missed the place on Sunday while I was away!.....Right then, the owners had better get the cheque book ready, I wanna waste some more money!......Is Kieron Dyer available?'.

Great Expectations!!

2009-12-17T00:03:00.000-08:00

Portsmouth's South African midfielder Aaron Mokoena (pictured above) has compared his homeland waiting to host next years football World Cup tournament to a pregnant woman waiting to give birth!.

Speaking to Shorts In Shorts, Mokoena said 'this is a very nervous time for my country, it's like we are pregnant with Sepp Blatter's baby and we've got 7 months until we give birth...it's a worrying time being a parent hoping everything is gonna turn out alright!'.

Our correspondent then got the wrong end of the stick and congratulated Mokoena on his good news! 'No....., you've misunderstood, I'm NOT actually pregnant.......it's South Africa that's pregnant with a football baby that everybody expects great things from!!! That's a lot of pressure on our football shaped baby and South Africa's football shaped body!' he snapped.

Our guy was still none the wiser, he then asked a dumbfounded Mokoena if he knew the sex of the baby yet? 'Of course I don't know the sex of it.......it's NOT a real baby you idiot, I'm just comparing it to being pregnant.......it's not exactly rocket surgery is it?! are you mental!?!

Correspondent: 'Have you thought of any names yet?'

An increasingly irate Mokoena then blasted 'Look dildo, I'm only comparing it, likening it too, showing it's similar to being pregnant.....I'm not pregnant, I was merely using it as a reference to my country hosting something that is exciting and scary and is 7 months away from happening.......Do you understand?!?!?

Correspondent: 'Yes, I think so?......(long pause).............was it planned?.......have you decorated it's room yet?

'Oh For f&#k's sake........bloody amateurs' Mokoena shouted as he stormed off!

Wrong Racism Kicked Out Of Football

2009-12-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

The kick racism out of football campaign claimed its first victim yesterday as Liverpool's stalwart Groundsman of 32 years Billy Racism got his marching orders from his beloved Anfield.

At first the reason seemed unclear, it was thought poor lawn mowing skills may have been a contributing factor, or maybe because he accidentally placed a curse on the club in 1989!?.

Then rumours starting spreading round the club that it was the Hapless Texan owners Tom Hicks (pictured above) and George Gillet who had ordered the dismissal due to an article Hicks had read and got the wrong end of the stick of in his weekly copy of MATCH magazine. We spoke with Hicks on the phone....'Howdy partner, so you wanna know about the Racism sacking do'yall, ok, well I Tom Hicks do declare that I take the things that MATCH magazine said he'd (Billy Racism) been doing as very serious!, apparently he's been abusing players racially for years and he'd been making it difficult for black people to get work in the game! He had to go....now I'll speak to y'all later cowboy!'.

Racism (not the person) has been in the game for almost as long as Racism (the person). It started in 1981 when Frank Stapleton (Irish) called Mark Lawrenson (half Irish) 'an English dildo' after an on field fall out. One listener in the crowd that day was the larger than most life's Ron Atkinson, who on hearing people abuse each other because of where they came from or what they looked like thought it was ok to do so.

Racism (Billy) has already been approached by other clubs to cut their grass, but he going to take a break from the game, he said 'I feel persecuted because of my name, with a name like mine its a struggle, every day you get abuse thrown at you......i just want people to know you shouldn't pick on people because of colour, religion or names' Racism added

Football Drops From The Sky

2009-12-14T23:57:00.000-08:00

Sky television sensationally announced yesterday that they will be dropping live Premier League football coverage after the conclusion of the current 2009/2010 season in favour of a dancing extravaganza phone in singing show.

Head of the channel's Knee Jerk Reaction Department Henry Belafonte said this 'I don't want anyone to think we've just rushed into this decision cos we've seen how much money can be made from premium rate voting lines, but we've realised how much money can be made from premium rate voting lines so it was a no-brainer really!'. He went on to say of the way he sees live televised sport heading 'No one likes football anymore, the worlds moved on, the public just care about ballroom dancing, people singing karaoke and frumpy looking women who crack up on screen. Footballs gone forever......at least for a couple of seasons!'.

Sky will show live and exclusive coverage of the 9 month long ''Pro Celebrity Ballroom That's Not Strictly Dancing League'' sponsored by Haribo starting on Saturday August 14th. The league will consist of 10 teams made up of 11 dancers (5 professionals, 5 celebrities and 1 special guest) and each will have a mentor who will be one of the soon to be out of work Premier League managers.

Each team will perform various dances or songs against a rival team, in front of the judging panel who will award 3 points to the winning team, 1 for a draw and zero for a loss. A pointless phone vote will then be held each week, but as its pointless it will not in any way count towards the final scores!.

Belafonte wanted to assured fans of Sky's football coverage that there will be some familiar faces in the new show. 'We want to assure fans there will be some familiar faces in the new show, dance enthusiast Richard Keys will host the live Super Sunday Showdown Dance Off, and he's already been practicing his new catchphrase of 'This is easily the best dance league in the world!'. I know it might sound like a radical idea but i do know what I'm doing.......it was my idea to bring back Gladiators!.....he added'.

Sports personality? of the year awards

2009-12-13T23:48:00.000-08:00

Last night saw the 245th annual Sports Personality Of The Year Awards. The jewell in the BBC's crown, this year the show came live from 'The Steal City' Sheffield, nicknamed because it enjoys more robberies per square metre than anywhere else in Europe. Coincidentally, it's also the place where men stripping for charity started as portrayed in the film Brokeback Mountain.

Held at the city's premier function room The Gala Bingo Centre, it almost sold its entire ticket allocation of 128 seats such is the keen interest in free ticket giveaways of the locals. It was as ever hosted by the ever wooden Gary Lineker assisted by Sue Barker who provided nervous laughter on demand.

The main event of the evening was the main event of the evening, and this years nominees for 2009 Sports Personality Of The Year were:

Jason Batten: for picking the fastest car

Phil Taylor: for winning the Phil Taylor Darts Tournament for the 56th straight time

Tom Daley: for being able to stay up late

David Haye: for having 1 fight in 2 years

Ryan Giggs: for escaping the old peoples home for a day

Beth Tweddle: ??????

Andy Murray: for having a great personality

Jessica Ennis: for being the most successful Yorkshire person ever

After announcing Jessica Ennis & Jason Batton in 3rd and 2nd place respectively, a bleary eyed Andrew Flintoff read out the winner as Ryan Giggs. Lineker took over with authority at this point, stating that Giggs was the eldest ever winner of the former prestigious award, and a visibly bewildered Giggs said on receiving the award 'oooooo, its a lovely day isn't it!, what have i won? is my dinner ready mother?, what time do we go back to the home???

A hormonal Tom Daley did not take defeat well however, as he could be heard shouting 'are you friggin joking me,..... him?? he's an old shit, give it me you bastards...i can jump into water headfirst!'

Football League announce involvement in charity Christmas appeal

2009-12-11T13:48:00.000-08:00

The Football League has today announced its participation in a national campaign initiated by the charity ‘Help the Concerned Aged UK’ to raise awareness of the plight of the elderly and infirm at Christmas. For its part the Football League has agreed to generate publicity by taking inspiration from Accrington Stanley and similarly renaming each of its founder members with the name of a lovely old person for the duration of the festive period.

The revised club names released at today’s press conference include Aston Priscilla, Tony Blackburn, Preston North Enid, Stoke Kitty, West Bromwich Albert, Wolverhampton Wanda, Derby Courtney, and in honour of the 90 years-old crooner, Michael Bolton. Despite the renaming exercise being for charity disgruntled fans of Everton and Burnley have already congregated outside Goodison Park and Turf Moor to protest against their respective new uninspiring monikers of ‘Evelyn’ and ‘Bernie’.

Fans across the country will be asked to take part in a premium rate telephone poll to find their all-time greatest player for each founder member. At the today’s launch Premiership midfield veteran Ryan Giggs said…’as well as raising lots of money for British Telecom…sorry, I mean good causes, this is the kind of thing which gets the ordinary fan really talking about the game. Just hearing the names of Stanley Matthews, Billy Wright and Tom Finney takes me back to the days when Bobby Charlton and I first played against these greats as apprentices for Newton Heath in the 1950’s. The most popular former player selected for each club will receive a tasty winter food hamper – actually a shoe-box, brightly decorated by local school children and containing assorted dented tins of fruit and vegetables that are past their sell by date.

A spokesperson for the oldest Football League Club in the World, Notts Methusalah, who were formed in 1862 BC (that's before Clough in Nottingham), said that they were also delighted to be involved. ‘We are acutely aware that not all elderly people look forward to Christmas, particularly if they are alone, frail or vulnerable. That’s why we gave Sven a job! We warmly encourage our fans to think of an elderly neighbour at this special time of the year...and fleece them for a few quid to spend in the club shop. Lord knows we could do with the extra money to help pay this year's Christmas bonus because the electronic bank transfers from our owners in Dubai keep mysteriously going astray...they say it's a problem at our end!'

Man United Spending Spree!!

2009-12-11T00:02:00.000-08:00

Manchester United are preparing to go on a massive January spending spree without actually putting their collective hand in their owners small pockets.

Spurred on by the cheap one-footed gamble Michael Owen's success, and the growing speculation that his old England team-mate Sol Campbell could be joining the Old Trafford outfit, manager Sir Alex 'Mr Angry' Ferguson has drawn up a list of so called over the hill players he wants to sign which no-one else in their right mind would touch with a barge-pole.

He has not publicly divulged the list to the media but luckily club Ambassador Bryan Robson was spotted in the Coach & Horses in Salford yesterday morning by our Manchester correspondent and he spilled the beans.

Robson said this 'I'm not telling you anything about the January transfer plans!.....end of girlfriend!'. Then after 2 hours of our man plying Robson with 10 pints and 20 tequila slammers 'Right, ok, he's (Ferguson) is hoping to get Campbell to sure up defence, he's gonna solve the Goalkeeping crisis by bringing back former City favorite Peter Schmeichel, who as it turns out is actually younger than Edwin Van Der Sar!. To add steel to the midfield I've agreed to rejoin on a free from my team The Slug & Lettuce, then for a bit of wing wizardry he's gonna get Ryan Giggs to come out of retirement. He wanted an extra striker so he called his mate and fellow foreigner Kenny Dalglish but he's already got an offer from Rafa to play for Liverpool to replace Torres when he signs for City!' Robson slurred'.

Transfer Speculation

2009-12-09T23:56:00.000-08:00

With the January transfer window about to open to give Sky Sports News something to speculate about for at least 31 days, the rumour mill is already in full swing over who might be switching clubs:

The usual January transfer suspects are preparing for their annual post-xmas move to wherever Harry Redknapp has moved to now, so Jermaine Defoe, & Peter Crouch are both thought to be following Redknapp back to Portsmouth who he joined late last night when Avram Grant wouldn't wake up after last weekends press conference. David James also spoke last night about how he would love to move back to Portsmouth to help regain his England place until it was pointed out he was already at the club! 'Whoops, I forgot!' he added.

Manager of Liverpool and star of the Spanish version of 'The Office' Rafa Benitez (pictured above at the signings of Fernando Torres & Alberto Aquilani), has announced that there are no funds in place to add any quality to his poor squad, but there are plenty of funds available to add dross to the squad, so the likes of Lucas Leiva & David N'Gog could soon be joined by Joey Barton who Benitez has been watching playing for D-wing Wanderers, Bobby Zamora who it is thought he would be willing to waste at least £10million on and Barnets 41 year old striker Paul Furlong who apparently is available for under £3million.

Chelsea are preparing an offer of £50million plus 'as much plastic surgery as he wants!' to bag Bayern Munich's Franck 'the Tank' Ribery, while Mark Hughes was interviewed on Sports In Shorts 24 hour sports TV show last night and was asked who Man City had a cat in hells chance of signing in January?, he said 'We'll be going all guns blazing to get Lionel Messi!'. When asked about these rumours Messi responded in his spanish accent 'haha, are you having a laugh?, eh Andres, Zlatan, listen to this one......is funny!.....'.

World Cup Football Will Be Round Organizers Promise

2009-12-09T00:13:00.000-08:00

The football being used at the 2010 World Cup Finals tournament in South Africa will be perfectly round for the first time ever.

The ball, (pictured above, being tested by Lionel Messi) has been developed at Loughborough University's Sports Science Academy in London and has been described by FIFA experts as 'Very kickable!'. Although round looking, all previous footballs ever produced have actually got thousands of flat sides which are simply placed together to create the illusion it is curved, or as the science bods call it 'ball-shaped'.

The new design of round ball is said to be able to move through the air without moving, and the age old problems of balls stopping dead on the grass/playground because of one of the straight edges landing face down is going to be totally eradicated.

Already other sports who have ball problems are rumoured to be interested in this new technology, with both Rugby codes making contact with the developers 'We'll Make It Round'. Union (rugby) chief Robin Weston said 'This is fantastic news, we won't have to play with those silly egg-shaped things anymore, we always wanted round balls but just couldn't afford the scientific research'.

One of footballs best foot kickers Frank Lampard said to Sports In Shorts 'Brilliant!, the guys here at Loughborough in London have done good in producing a round football. Before with the non-round ones you could really hurt yourself if you caught it on one of its edges or corners, all the work the scientists have put in morning, noon and every 2nd Thursday night has really paid off!'.

Kuyt reveals he isn't the real Superman!!

2009-12-08T00:03:00.000-08:00

Liverpool's non-spectacular dutch forward and part-time right winger has told Sports In Shorts that despite rumours to the contrary he is definitely NOT the real Superman!.

Kuyt (pictured above on one of his missions) was forced to make the admission after he was asked to do life saving acts which he could not carry out.

He had been impersonating the popular superhero since watching the original 1978 film when it was on ITV2 last Summer, he said 'I saw the film and loved it big-time, then I saw a costume for sale online, it was only meant to be so I could impress Mrs Kuyt but as I was trying it on, my neighbour Mrs Batley came frantically knocking on my door, well....I didn't have time to get the suit off so I had to answer the door wearing it!. When I opened the door she said 'thank god its you', then went on to tell me how she wanted me to rescue her cat who had got itself stuck up her tree!'.

Word soon spread round the neighbourhood that Superman had been spotted rescuing a cat from a tree and before long Kuyt was being inundated with menial tasks for elderly neighbours who all thought they had a superhero living on their doorstep. He then explained why he went along with the double life 'I went along with it cos I liked the attention to be honest, I don't get much at Anfield, its all Stevie this and Fernando that, at last people wanted a piece of the Dirkmeister!'.

Then the call came in from Mrs Kuyt (who was playing a sort of Lois Lane role) to say that someone needed rescuing who was tied to a rail track in the path of an oncoming train and they wanted Superman to stop the train!. He said 'I had to come clean and reveal that the only way I could perform this heroic act would be to call the train company and get them to radio the driver direct!. Luckily I managed to call the them in time and it did stop, so I'm kinda a hero but I really should point out I'm not the real Superman!'.

Scholes and Grant release festive DVD's

2009-12-07T00:36:00.000-08:00

As ever, the DVD shelves are packed full of desperate celebrities & minor footballers flogging tediously dull footballing so called funny DVD's. This year however there are at least some offerings worth buying as 2 of footballs most charismatic characters join the great yearly sale.

The first is the snappily titled 'A day in the life of Paul Scholes' which is hosted by Manchester United wild man Paul Scholes. While others serve up the same old funny clips we've all seen a million times before, this concentrates on the more day to day aspects of footballing life. For instance, one clip shows Scholes deciding which boots to wear before a Carling Cup meaningless game against Burnley before commenting 'they wer me favorite boots them!' with his trademark wit. Another shows Scholes in the canteen at the Carrington Training Centre getting some Lasagne for dinner after which he exclaims 'that's me favorite dinner that!'. All in all this is a great buy for anyone who wants to add a bit if colour (in this case ginger) to the Christmas telly listings.

The other is Avram Grant's DVD, which has the title 'Avram Grant's 10 best Press Conferences ever'. The 240 minute uncut action packed spectacular, shows Grant's best Press Conferences in full from his time in English football. It includes the infamous speech when 3 journalists fell into Coma's when listening to his January transfer plans, and when Steve Curry of the Daily Mail stood up during Grant's summary of the 1-0 Chelsea victory over Arsenal and declared 'this is crazy, don't you see what he's doing, he's killing us with boredom.... I'm getting out!'. This isn't for the faint hearted which is why it contains the warning 'People who get bored easily or have no interest in grey motionless humans should not watch without company', but otherwise if you want to see how footballs Mr Happy wows expecting audiences with his electric personality.....put it on your Christmas list!.

Both DVD's retail at £9.99 or if you steal them they're free!!

Fastest man on Earth joins F1!

2009-12-06T06:51:00.000-08:00

Rumours are rife in the worlds of motor sport and athletics that newcomers to the Formula 1 World Championship, Virgin Racing, have pulled off an incredible scoop by signing Olympic sprint Gold Medallist, Usain Bolt, as their lead driver for 2010. The signing is potentially a tactical masterstroke given that the numerous rule changes planned for next year’s championship include the reintroduction of drivers sprinting to their cars at the start of each race.

The fitness levels of current F1 drivers will undoubtedly come under closer scrutiny than ever before and there are unconfirmed reports of rotund racer, Rubens Barrichello, considering his retirement from the sport. Track-side paramedics raised their concern over the condition of the popular Brazilian when he had to be given oxygen at a secret FIA practice event arranged to give teams an opportunity to practice the new starts in simulated race conditions. Official timings confirmed that Barrichello had been lapped twice by the rest of the field before he had even completed the pit-lane sprint to his car.

Bolt’s entry into F1 has also been welcomed by his former adversary and disgraced British sprinter Dwain Chambers who continues in his attempts to resurrect his career after well publicised failures in Rugby League and American Football. A little known screen test as a Bond villain also ended up on the cutting room floor. Chambers, who failed his only previous driving test for making an illegal manoeuvre, has been seen frantically visiting local driving schools.

The audacious signing of Bolt has amazed everyone involved in the sport other than, of course, former team owner come television pundit, ‘mystic’ Eddie Jordan, who in hindsight, ‘saw this move coming for quite some while’.

Algerian Delight With Easy Group!

2009-12-05T04:35:00.001-08:00

There were scenes of celebration last night in Algeria after the World Cup Group draw created what many Algerian football fans and pundits are calling the easiest group ever!.

When the man who was helping deputy head of FIFA Charlize Theron, produced the slip which was inside Makhaya Ntini's little ball and read out Algeria to join England and USA in group number C, there were jubilant scenes in Algiers High Street and soon after the traditional chant of 'Easy, Easy, Easy' could be heard being sung by the crowds.

The draw which was shown live on the Algerian 24 hour football channel which is called 'The Algerian 24 hour football channel' was hosted by Algerian housewife's favorite Garat Lunaker, and was joined by Algerian football commentator Jonas Motason who as ever delivered fascinating stats as if his career depended on it. The lineup was completed by ex Algerian centre back (although he was born in Morocco) Markesh Lawrensonian who traditionally acted like the guy who would rather not be working midweek in between throwing out weak puns.

Motason pointed out ' incidentally Garat, this is not only the easiest draw we could have hoped for but this is probably the easiest group in world cup history'.while Lawrensonian quipped 'yeah, England, The Yanks and Slovenia must be quaking in their flip-flops already, at the thought of this group, there is always a group of death, and for those 3 teams this is it!'.

At the official Algerian football supporters club, the spokesman for the club Mustafa Victory said 'we should drift through the group stage with ease to be fair, you don't want to appear over confident, but its hard to think that Algeria won't win the World Cup now!'.

Bookmakers too have reacted to the draw with Algeria now being joint favorites to win the tournament with Spain at 3-1.

Even Theron felt compelled to comment 'now i don't really know what the hell I'm on about but i do feel sorry for the other teams in Algeria's group.....especially England, it means there is at least 3 footballing powerhouses in Group C, which i know is something Sepp wanted to make sure we avoided.......'.

England manager Fabio Capello had the last word though 'Its a shame, sometimes you get an easy ride sometimes you don't, i think i may have make a call to the family at Juventus, see what they can do for us.....if you know what i mean!?!'.

Sir Ian Bowls Over Scunthorpe!

2009-12-03T23:56:00.000-08:00

At last nights Scunthorpe United end of years awards ceremony, cricketing heavyweight Sir Ian Botham topped a poll voted for by fans of the team as the greatest player ever to have played for the unfashionable Championship minnows.

The all round former all-rounder played for The Irons between 1980-1985 clocking up 11 appearances and scored no goals. His greatest moment probably came in a Division 4 encounter against Mansfield Town when Botham inadvertently got in the way of a shot which was going wide after his attention was taken by a blond lady in the crowd carrying a pie, its never been proven whether it was the lady or the pie which took his fancy but the deflection the ball took off the back of his head deceived the keeper and put Scunthorpe 1-0 up. The goal although never officially credited to Botham has gone down in history as being all thanks to him and it lifted his team to the lofty heights of 5th in the league.

Speaking afterwards to local TV channel Look To The East, Botham said 'its great to get this award, people just assume my greatest achievements were in cricket in the Ashes Series against Australia in 1981 but to me there is nothing quite like a rainy Tuesday night in Scunthorpe to make you feel you're alive.....you can shove your 46'000 at the SCG up your arse!' Botham added

Federer arrested for own safety!

2009-12-03T11:58:00.000-08:00

Superstitious executives at Gillette have apparently requested Swiss authorities to detain World No.1 tennis star Roger Federer in order to protect his squeaky-clean image.

Fearing that bad things 'always come in threes' and with the reputation of high profile patrons Tiger Woods and Thierry Henry in tatters after recent indiscretions, the detention of Federer is seen as an essential element of the global brand's risk management strategy.

Gillette has neither denied or confirmed whether current endorsements of Woods and Henry will be renewed. Henry's situation has not been helped by recently surfaced dressing room footage of him handling a Bic disposable razor. Meanwhile representatives for Woods are allegedly touting their client's new bad boy image to potential sponsors such as Durex and Spearmint Rhino.

There has been no statement as yet from Federer, but fellow detainee, Mr R Polanski commented to reporters that Federer's family had already paid the tennis superstar a visit at the high-security facility, located some twenty miles beneath the Swiss Alps. 'Roger and his family are adorable, especially his teenage niece', Polanski added.

Huntalaar Reveals Big Move Secrets

2009-12-03T00:08:00.000-08:00

Overrated dutch striker Klaas Jan Huntalaar has revealed the circumstances in how he keeps getting big money moves despite obviously being a very average player. The former Real Madrid flop speaking to Italy's equivalent of Sky Sports News which is called Sky Sports News said this 'i was on my summer holidays with my mum in Milan, she doesn't let me go alone because of a mix up once in a Thai hotel, anyway mum wanted to do the tour of the San Siro so i went along. She paid for me to get in and a part of the tour takes you to the changing rooms, now cos it was a match day we didn't have chance to do both changing rooms so we had to choose which one to walk around, mum chose Inter cos shes got a thing for Jose, and i went into AC's as my fav player ever was Mark Hateley....i just loved the way that even though he was going bald he just grew his hair longer at the back to compensate!. So I'm in the changing room looking at the big comfy red chairs and the flat LCD TV's each player has, when Leonardo (AC's Head Coach) walks in and tells me to get my kit I'm late for training. He must have got confused or mistaken me for Marco Van Basten or something either way its too late now cos I've signed a contract and they've got to pay me.....finders keepers!'.

He then went on to describe that the move the year before from Ajax to Real Madrid also came about in unorthodox circumstances 'Mum had taken me to Madrid cos I'd done so well for Ajax, scoring lots of goals and stuff, she went out for a few beers and she didn't want me to cramp her style so i stayed in. Anyway, she ends up in an hotel room with the then Real Madrid President Ramon Calderon, she only found out he was married afterwards, so she threatened to tell Mrs Calderon about the whole thing unless Madrid gave me a lucrative contract!!! winner!'.

He was then asked where the Huntalaar family were planning on going on holiday in Summer 2010, he responded 'I think mums got her heart set on Manchester!?'.

Snooker World Championships In Doubt

2009-12-01T23:58:00.000-08:00

The governing body of World Snooker admitted last night that they had forgotten to book the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield for next years Betfret World Snooker Championship. Their spokesman Les Bennett said this in his northern accent 'usually what happens is we book ahead while the tournament is on, so we say to em, same again next year please, give em a deposit and jobs a good un. We usually get a reminder of the balance to pay, and i notices that we adn't ad it so i gets me secretary to ring up, well...that's when they say no one booked ahead, don't know how we forgot that...probably watching a mesmerising game o'snooker or sumat...i don't know, but anyway we're knackered now cos they've got a sold out run all through April and May of 'Loose Women On Tour'.....that's gonna make more money than watching snooker ever will!'.

The Organisers of the Championships have been working round the clock to find alternative locations for the 2 week Snooker fest, and it is thought that the event will now be held at either Riley's Snooker centre in Stoke or Mansfield Working Men's Club's function room if Jed and Baz don't hog it all month.

BBC's Hazel Irvine on hearing about the mix-up commented 'thank F£#K for that!, I'm fed up to the back teeth of having to look happy about being in that hellhole (Sheffield)....i wish they'd just give me another job, its a chuffing nightmare having to spend 2 weeks with that lot. You've got Steve Feckin Davis telling me about his collection of antique snooker cues and that perve Dennis Feckin Taylor trying to get off with me all the time!, Dennis.....first time was a mistake, we we're both drunk , its NOT gonna happen again!'.

Sepp Thinks Irish Request Was Prank

2009-12-01T00:11:00.000-08:00

Sepp Blatter (pictured above auditioning for Silence Of The Lambs) has revealed this morning that when he told the Irish FA that they could be accommodated in next years World Cup tournament in South Africa as the 33rd team, the only reason he said yes is because he thought it was a joke!. The hapless head of FIFA said 'I like a prank as much as the next guy, so when me and Michel were settling down with our lunchtime Paninis to watch the lunchtime edition of Neighbours, and the phone rings and it's this guy on the other end with a funny accent....i thought it was that funny fella who does the Eurovision and the Radio 2 breakfast show.....well i love that guy, so i went along with it. I didn't know it was actually Bernard 'Bernie' O'Byrne the head of the Irish FA!?. He asked me if they could go as the 33rd team, so i said yes.....the problem is every team who didn't qualify has since been on the phone asking to be re-entered because of things that they didn't agree with in their matches. So next years World Cup will start in February to make sure we get finished in time for the Final which we're already booked in for.....we've paid a deposit on that so I'm not losing £35, that's throwing money away......and instead of 32 teams, we'll be having 210, which is more than actually entered in the first place.....i think i may have been had!?'.

Richard Keys threatened with Lawsuit over Catchphrase

2009-11-30T00:38:00.001-08:00

Sky televisions football presenter Richard Keys has been threatened with legal action by FIFA because of his constant use of the phrase 'the best league in the world' when describing the English Premier league. FIFA head honchos have taken this step because Keys (52) never fails to do a broadcast without using the phrase at least 4 times, and on one occasion after a dour 0-0 bore draw at the Reebok Stadium between Bolton Wanderers and Hull City he used it 15 times in front of an astonished Jamie Redknapp. Speaking at the time Redknapp said 'even I was shocked at the amount of times wot Richard said the premier league is the best in the world. I mean don't get me wrong, I fink it is the best in the world because I don't fink there is another league wot is as good, but 15 times was a bit too much'. FIFA spokesman Henri Trossalet said 'the phrase The best league in the world, should not be used by anyone describing the English Premier League because as we all know Spain's La Liga is clearly the best league in the world, here at FIFA HQ we have a little saying...how does it go Michel?.......oh yes that's right, the English Premier League is like watching Chimpanzees playing Badminton.....funny but pointless! hehe'. When asked to comment Keys simply said 'its definitely the best league in the world!'.